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Original poster

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

227 replies

Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 15:00

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 07/03/2022 17:22

No, I would only feel sorry for you if you told me that you were unhappy with your life. Otherwise I would just assume that you had made different choices to mine and that you were happy with them.

saltedcaramelanything · 07/03/2022 17:24

I get the comments about living on your own during the pandemic. But think that's actual empathy rather than feeling sorry for you because of my ideas of a happy life.

In general though, unless you made comments about wishing for a partner/missing out of kids, then absolutely not.

CookieMunch · 07/03/2022 17:25

No I’m a bit jealous of you. I might ask how lockdown was from a position of genuine care but I worried about lots of different types of people on lockdown not just the ones who lived on their own.

ToniLaRoni · 07/03/2022 17:26

I'd only feel sorry for you if we'd had a conversation that had made me feel sorry for you.

So if you'd told me how lonely/sad/desperate for a baby you were.

If anyone is happy in whatever life they've made for themselves then I've no need to feel sorry for them. Even if their choice would make me miserable.

HopefulProcrastinator · 07/03/2022 17:26

Frankly I'm jealous of you.

MadMadMadamMim · 07/03/2022 17:28

No. I'd feel sorry for you if you talked openly about how lonely you felt life was. But you don't, and therefore don't need sympathy.

I don't pity anyone who is content with their life; we all want different things.

AgathaMystery · 07/03/2022 17:28

God no. I’d think how bloody great!

TheWeeDonkey · 07/03/2022 17:29

So basically your life is a Beyonce anthem and you're supposed to be sad that you don't have to to school runs and plan means for people who go on food in the blink of an eye and have to know where everything is all of the time even if it has nothing to do with you?

People are weird, if you're happy enjoy your freedom.

SouperNoodle · 07/03/2022 17:30

Happily married in a big house with 2 DC and I wouldn't feel bad for you at all. Slightly jealous that you can do whatever you want whenever you want! 😅

Xmasbaby11 · 07/03/2022 17:31

No and I think you're unlucky in your circle of acquaintances. I'm 45, married with kids but have plenty of long term single friends in their 40s, 50s and 60s. I don't pity them any more than any other friends! You know some narrow minded people!

Wizzbangfizz · 07/03/2022 17:32

No if anything I would have a twinge of envy!

lovelyluvvy · 07/03/2022 17:33

Colleagues can be the worst for this kind of thing. I'm in the same position as you, early 40s, single, never wanted kids. These kind of comments started for me in my mid-20s, during which time I was playing the field and enjoying myself with no intention of settling down. I remember a colleague who had brought her child in for the office Christmas party and she was asking me the inevitable question of if I wanted kids (no), to which she replied 'Awww, you'll find someone'. Had similar comments from friends who are married with kids. I'm not sure what's going on here, whether it's simply that they are happy and cannot imagine any other way of being happy (which would mean an utter lack of imagination, for one thing), whether they feel insecure about their own life choices and so have to insist that you must do the same as them or else you'll fuel their doubts that their way of life isn't the option for happiness, or whether it's just plain bitchy. None of their business anyway, so long as you're happy. I'm not looking for a partner personally, in fact the idea of living with a man and dealing with his BS fills me with dread, so I'd find it extremely arrogant of anyone to assume that I'm crying into my pillow. Media tropes of the desperate single woman of a certain age have a lot to answer for.

TheDuchessOfMN · 07/03/2022 17:34

I’m going to be brutally honest and say no, except at Christmas.
(Which is probably completely ridiculous of me, and I’d love for you to come back and say how wonderful your Christmas is)

saraclara · 07/03/2022 17:38

I don't think they pity you, but I think it's perfectly reasonable and thoughtful of them to worry about you being isolated over lockdown. I live alone since I was widowed and am comfortable being so. But I'd say the same as they would about both the isolation and the dating scene. The latter, especially OLD, sounds stressful to me, and I'm relieved that at my age I'm not looking for a partner! So yes, I might say that, not in a pitying way but in a 'thank goodness I don't have to' kind of way.

BoredZelda · 07/03/2022 17:40

I wouldn’t feel sorry for you as it’s the life you’ve chosen.

But I would have thought lockdown would have been harder for you than it was for people who had others to live with.

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 07/03/2022 17:42

No. Some of the best times of my life were when I was single, living alone in a flat.

However, if I knew you wanted a partner and kids but it wasn’t happening, then I would.

Macaroni46 · 07/03/2022 17:46

You sound happy and that's the main thing. I wouldn't feel sorry for you, rather I'd admire you for being self sufficient both financially and emotionally. Bit patronising of people to feel sorry for you.

tkwal · 07/03/2022 17:47

There are times when I'd give my eye teeth to be you. You're happy, you're self sufficient , you have company when you want it and not when you don't. Good for you, sincerely x

LethargeMarg · 07/03/2022 17:47

I would never have said I'd feel sorry for you but personally for me I always imagined getting married and having kids so I would have been disappointed if I hadn't done this as it's important to me but I appreciate everyone has different values and plans for life. I think at Christmas it must be hard with all the emphasis on family and I would worry about being old with no partner or kids but of course you can't rely on them .

Dottdoo · 07/03/2022 17:59

I don't pity anyone living a single life - if they own it as a life choice. If they are crying about being single etc then yes. If I'm, say having a moan about domestic life and someone says, 'this is why I never got married or never had children' - all I think is - good for you!

That said there was a lot on the news about the MH of single people during covid. I lived on my own for 5 years (27-32yrs) and I absolutely loved it. But that was when my social life was thriving. I was dating, working in an office every day etc etc. Sometimes I loved a weekend with nothing to do and feel like a completely free agent to either lounge around all weekend, or head to the shops.

But it was always a choice. I think being in isolation on my own would have been very hard. My Mum is single and she cried more than once about it. For the last 20yrs it has not bothered her at all living on her own. Bur during lockdowns she found it hard. Even with all the zooms, and calling her. She once broke down to me and said - I literally haven't sat and had a meal with someone in months, I haven't had a hug.

When isolation lifted enough that I could back, she was so excited and she broke down just from having a hug.

So yeah I felt sorry for people living alone during lockdown but in a empathetic way.

springtimeishereagain · 07/03/2022 18:07

No, of course not! I might envy you a bit...

It would be dull if everyone was the same, wouldn't it?

BuddhaForMary · 07/03/2022 18:09

As long as you're happy then no, of course not! Mind you I'm alone with my DC now and I never intend to have another full time partner. I do get 'oh no you'll be lonely when the kids move out..' and I don't appreciate the pity. I've made my decisions and I'm happy with them. Just do what suits you OP, I don't get why people think you need to be in a couple to be happy! I'm happier now than I've ever been!

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 07/03/2022 18:18

No, not at all. My SIL is in her fifties, single and lives on her own. She never wanted children and loves her life. Good job, great social life/family. I am married with 3dc's and even having a bath for 10 minutes, they on constant knocking on the door with, Mum where is my dinner, what time is Dad home, etc. Not complaining at all but once in a while a relaxing bath would be nice. Showers from now on. Enjoy your life OP.

Squidthing · 07/03/2022 18:21

I wouldn't feel sorry for you. I may even feel a bit jealous of you in many ways!

Ganesh2022 · 07/03/2022 18:23

The things people think they can comment on never fails to amaze me...too many kids, not enough kids, single, married, too young for this, too old for that...my god. As others have said I'd only feel sad for/with you if you really wanted these things and they weren't happening.