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Original poster

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

227 replies

Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 15:00

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

OP posts:

PersephonePomegranate · 07/03/2022 15:50

No, not at all. It's frustrating that some people still think of life as a checklist.

Daisydaisydaisydaisydaisy · 07/03/2022 15:53

No, not if you were happy. I wasn’t, in a similar situation, and it can be miserable but that was my personal circumstances if you like.

I do find it odd people are saying they are jealous … I mean, why not just stay single and not have children if it is so enviable?

Coffeencrochet · 07/03/2022 15:55

DH and 2 DC here and would definitely love to be in your position at times although I adore my family. I would feel sorry for your colleague for thinking a spouse, kids and a house is the epitome of happiness and life success.

Rosehugger · 07/03/2022 15:56

God no, not at all.

Though I agree with the comments about online dating, that does not appeal to me at all. If I didn't meet anyone through work, a social activity or hobby I wouldn't bother, and I would never bother chasing a man or a relationship full stop. I was always happy to be single, but these bloody men kept turning up. I met DH within about two months of moving to London when I graduated, so bloody annoying!

FuckThatBullshit · 07/03/2022 15:57

I'm in the exact same position as you OP only difference being I'm late 30s, live in a (small but lovely) house and I don't have a great social life - but purely because I love my own company and can't be bothered socialising more than probably once per month; I often prefer to go for a nice long walk by the river than lunch with 6 other people. I do crave a relationship with someone special though and often think people must see me as a sad pathetic loser for not having a successful love life. These replies have made me feel a little better!

Hawkins001 · 07/03/2022 15:58

@Daisydaisydaisydaisydaisy

No, not if you were happy. I wasn’t, in a similar situation, and it can be miserable but that was my personal circumstances if you like.

I do find it odd people are saying they are jealous … I mean, why not just stay single and not have children if it is so enviable?

One perspectives is they may think the marriage, family ect equals happiness but then it's a whole different perspectives when they achieve it

SoManyTshirts · 07/03/2022 16:00

No, and I’m in a similar position now but older. However … in the initial flush of post-wedding honeymoon period I probably felt sorry for everyone without a partner. The initial post-birth rush of love can feel similar - “this is the best thing that ever happened to me and everyone should share it”. Will feel slightly sorry for DD if she doesn’t have a daughter, but her choice may be different.

Libertybear80 · 07/03/2022 16:03

That's the life I dream about when I've just had a row with my eldest, my husband is leaving his shit everywhere and I'm trying to taxi the youngest here there and everywhere!

DoobryWhatsit · 07/03/2022 16:04

I lived in a little flat by myself for 8 years before I got married. Hands down, the absolute best years of my life.

SirChenjins · 07/03/2022 16:07

No - unless I knew you’d wanted kids or had been going to get married and were jilted by the other person.

I can kind of see where the person saying that they wouldn’t date again was coming from. DH and I have been married for 27 years and whilst I love him dearly I wouldn’t be in a rush to put myself through the dating scene again if something were to happen to him - I’d be perfectly happy with my friends, DC and the dog.

Tipsylizard · 07/03/2022 16:07

Not at all. I was single for most of my 30's, living in a flat on my own. I loved it and now I am married with kids I miss those days!

Enjoy your life as you want to live it and avoid the head tilters

Bancha · 07/03/2022 16:07

If you had said you’d wanted children and it didn’t happen/wasn’t happening for you, then I would have empathy for that. But otherwise, absolutely not! I would be a bit jealous of your freedom!!

I would feel sorry for anyone that would automatically assume that being single, without children, and living a flat is something that they would feel sorry for you for. Seems like a really sad way to look at the world!

PiperPosey · 07/03/2022 16:11

I read this survey once and they asked what their favorite time of the day was for moms...

An overwhelming 5 said, " When my child is asleep." hahahha
IF someone bugs you just say..." I am good to go..."

PiperPosey · 07/03/2022 16:12

overwhelping % not 5 duh...

Bromse · 07/03/2022 16:15

Don't take any notice of them. Many would envy you, op. As long as you are content with your life, why worry?

WellTidy · 07/03/2022 16:18

Not at all.

It can be a real shock though, when you’re quite happy as you are, and you suddenly realise that people feel sorry for you.

I had this in my early to mid 20s. I was living at home for a good few months between the end of a postgraduate degree (went to university about two hours’ drive away so had come home after living away for 4+ years) and the start of living away whilst I did a one-year professional qualification, which was another 4+ hours away. Friend from university visited as she was passing through. She was also living at home but she was working, so she had decent disposable income, and my funding wouldn’t come through until I start the professional qualification study.

She asked quite pointedly about my mental health, and said how hard it must be for me when those around me had moved on, full on head tilt and everything. I was gobsmacked. I had seen myself as enjoying the last times I would spend living at home before starting what I’d hoped would be a really exciting next phase of my life in a few months’ time. Which is what it turned out to be

TenoringBehind · 07/03/2022 16:18

Gosh no - I’m very envious. I’d love the freedom to do what like and when I like and not to be bogged down in the endless drudgery of family life.

HumunaHey · 07/03/2022 16:21

I wouldn't feel sorry for anyone who is happy. Some people can't fathom a lifestyle that is different than theirs.

PrescriptionWine · 07/03/2022 16:23

I secretly jealous of my friend who is in the same situation as you! Oh the freedom to do what you want and when you want to!!!

As long as you are happy that’s all that matters

1forAll74 · 07/03/2022 16:24

No, I wouldn't feel sorry for you at all, you are having a life that suits you, and are happy with it all.. People say all sorts of things, about people who live alone,, as in, you must feel alone and a bit sad, or it must be hard for you, etc, some people just talk a load of tosh.

I feel sad, when I hear about lots of people,who say that they are so alone and depressed, as they have no partner etc, and then resort to going on dating sites to hopefully meet someone..

Echobelly · 07/03/2022 16:24

No - I like having friends doing all kinds of different things with their lives in our mid 40s and I think that's great.

I do feel a bit sorry for a couple of friends who I get the impression did want kids but it's not likely to happen for them now. But I'd never feel pity for the child free status of someone who doesn't want kids in the first place.

ScrambledSmegs · 07/03/2022 16:26

That's really odd of your colleague. Your life sounds perfectly happy. Do you think they were trying to put you down somehow, by 'pitying' you conspicuously?

supersundaythenmonday · 07/03/2022 16:27

@Rinatinabina

Er no, happily married with 1 DC but I would be a bit jealous of you!

I was going to say the same. DH 3 dc but I'm slightly jealous of my single, child- free fiends

firstimemamma · 07/03/2022 16:27

Of course I wouldn't feel sorry for you! It sounds like you've got a great life to be honest.

BeanyBops · 07/03/2022 16:28

No, I'd be a bit envious!

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