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Original poster

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

227 replies

Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 15:00

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

OP posts:
QuantumWeatherButterfly · 07/03/2022 16:29

Not at all. You are living the life I had, and that I planned for myself, before I met DH.

I love him, and my DS, and I wouldn't change what I have now - but I was living a very good life before and I know I would have been very happy if I was still in your shoes. Plus, happy as I am right now, there are definitely some aspects of having my own space and total freedom to do as I wished that sometimes, I miss very much indeed.

oohyoudevilyou · 07/03/2022 16:29

I wouldn't feel sorry for YOU, exactly, but I'd imagine me being in your position and it would be the polar opposite of what I'd have wanted. So I'd reflect on it and feel sorry for the theoretical 40-something childless single me Gin. I haven't got a great career though, and only a small circle of friends, so it's not a fair comparison,

BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 16:29

Unless anyone told me they were unhappy with their situation, I wouldn’t feel sorry for them. Even then, it’s not so much feeling sorry for them as I’m sure they wouldn’t want my pity, I’d just hope they get whatever makes them happy in the future.

It would be wrong to assume people are happy or unhappy based on the things that make me happy or unhappy because obviously different people want different things.

Icemast · 07/03/2022 16:29

Nope, happiness and contentment comes in many many forms- I would never feel sorry for anyone, but I suppose the only time I'd feel like they were in an unfortunate position in life is if they were unhappy. Be that someone who is single, someone married with children or whatever. I was very happy and lived a blessed life before marriage and DC, it's just a different path now but I would have been fulfilled, happy and grateful for staying on the path I was on too!

godmum56 · 07/03/2022 16:29

sounds like they are jealous. Mind you my husband did die and I am not looking for another relationship.

Nelliephant1 · 07/03/2022 16:32

Not at all. I have what you listed in the title and although I wouldn't change it, I can't say that your life isn't something I long for because I do.

Georgeskitchen · 07/03/2022 16:32

Can I swap lives with you?
😉😉

Miller2021 · 07/03/2022 16:32

Your colleague sounds like the one with the problem, tbh - if someone thinks being single is this "difficult", you have to wonder how they'd cope if (heaven forbid) they were suddenly single themselves.

caringcarer · 07/03/2022 16:35

No, I would not feel sorry for you unless you had told me you were unhappy with your life and wanted children, spouse, house. I think the person who said that to you is a bit strange tbh. I was very happy whilst I was single and carefree, now I am happy married with children. We all choose what we want. I know one thing you are probably a lot happier than women who stay with an abusing spouse bossing them around and making their lives miserable.

Sharrowgirl · 07/03/2022 16:39

I would only feel sorry for you if I believed that the pinnacle of a woman’s achievement is to have a husband, children and a kitchen with an island. But I don’t so no, I don’t.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 07/03/2022 16:41

If you seem happy then no I don't think so? It's more when people come off as miserable. I'd distinguish between not wanting something for oneself, for example I wouldn't fancy dating again and don't think I'd bother if I were to be single now, and feeling sorry for someone else who's doing it and appears to be enjoying life.

Wardrobes123 · 07/03/2022 16:50

God no, I don't understand the perspective of having a husband and/or children to feel fulfilled.

I think there has been a definite shift in my age group (mid 30's). Half have the husband/children set up and half don't. . In fact, I am friends with a group through work who definitely are all in your situation, not one married person in the group and certainly no children. All 30-45. In their eyes I am the tragic one as I have boring commitments, whereas they have freedom!

MurmuratingStarling · 07/03/2022 16:51

Wow, how rude and ignorant they sound. I know some people are unhappy alone/not in a relationship, hence the millions of people on dating sites, but many are perfectly happy alone. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely!

I do know a few women who struggle badly financially alone, and this alone makes them unhappy. They seem to go on dates with different men every few weeks, like they are desperate to be with someone, but I some women know are happy single. I have to admit, I wouldn't like to be single, and am much happier being married, but I do 'get' that some people are happy single, and I would never do a 'head-tilt' to a single woman of 40!

Grazyna80 · 07/03/2022 16:55

No !!!!!! Jealous. Maybe your head tilting colleague is little envious. Freedom!

Trytryandtryagain11 · 07/03/2022 17:02

Absolutely not, such a small minded view that you can only be happy by following one path. I'd think that there are lots of interesting and fun things you'd be doing that perhaps I couldn't at this point in my life, and love to hear all about it! I love meeting and speaking to people who are on different paths or from different backgrounds, surely that's what life is all about - not assuming everyone wants the same things as you, or that's the only thing that could possible make them 'happy' x

Laiste · 07/03/2022 17:07

Not sorry for you nor jealous.

You've said you're perfectly happy as you are and THAT is what we all want at the end of the day.

Horses for courses ect.

I was watching something recently showing a man who had basically disappeared into the wilds of Scotland and lives as a hermit off the land near a lake in a little cabin he's built himself. Wouldn't be for me (I'd be scared stiff and lonely) but he's happy so i didn't feel sorry for him. We're all different. No need to pity people with different lives.

RickRude · 07/03/2022 17:09

Nope. I was single and living on my own from 18 until my mid 30’s. I love dh and dc to bits, but I do sometimes miss the calm, quiet and freedom I had when I was on my own. I don’t pity you at all

drawacircleroundit · 07/03/2022 17:13

Seems like heaven. I'd swap my life for yours in a heartbeat.

Amnotamug · 07/03/2022 17:14

No I definitely don’t feel sorry for you.
I am literally having my first three days without anyone at home …apart from the dog !! I have been craving this for over two years and am absolutely bloody loving it …am actually having a cheeky early glass of wine !
Love my family dearly but also like my own company as well and I don’t get enough of me time !

stairgates · 07/03/2022 17:15

Completely envious here too!

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 07/03/2022 17:17

It wouldn't even register with me, but then I'm married with a house but no kids (by choice) so I'm also not totally "the norm" either.

UnUdderOne · 07/03/2022 17:18

You sound happy 😊

onthinice · 07/03/2022 17:19

No I definitely wouldn't feel sorry for you. Though there are countless times I've felt sorry for friends in relationships /marriages with lazy, selfish and entitled men.

Gotajobthrunepotism · 07/03/2022 17:20

Gosh no. I’m married with a child and a house. And sometimes I daydream of what it would be like to live in a flat and have all my time and money to myself. I’ve had a lot of colleagues that are similar to yourself, and definitely do not pity them.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/03/2022 17:22

I have a child but no partner or desire for one. I had my child young so he'll be grown up by the time I'm your age, your life is what I want for myself then.