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Original poster

I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

401 replies

Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:06

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

OP posts:
zeldaonadreamcloud · 03/03/2022 14:26

The person who came up with the slogan, "we'll give up our cuddles so you can have yours," probably thought they were being really clever

its such a horrible slogan on so many levels. Basically, its making it all about them. Its ' I'm being so wonderful and generous, and sacrificing and caring. Look what I am doing for you! I'm so nice! I'm so caring!'

It utterly self-congratulatory and patronising.

Its so self-referential. Its awful!

CannaeRemember · 03/03/2022 14:30

If the "point taken" person is reading this - you should feel very ashamed of your disgraceful behaviour.

OP - anniversaries of losing loved ones are hard, but I can't imagine how much more heartbreaking it is when losing a child. My deepest sympathies for your loss and I wish you every blessing.

impossible · 03/03/2022 14:30

I'm sorry you've had to deal with such an insensitive idea. I can't really add anything - the responses on this thread have been so eloquent - but I wanted to say you've handled all this with such grace. Really sorry for your loss.

WellyoucantellbythewayI · 03/03/2022 14:33

If your group is still reading I’d just like to say to them:

you didn’t listen to her. And please do not think yourself generous for forgiving Confused her response

If you had listened in the first place there would have been no need for her to come on here for support.

Arghhconfused · 03/03/2022 14:38

Point taken?! She should be apologising profusely! She sounds hard done by!!

Flowers for you

ChameFangeNail · 03/03/2022 14:42

If any of the group are reading and want a better idea - why not either get the community to donate teddy bears and then set up a teddy stall at school and charge 10p a cuddle with a bear? Or if that’s too much faff, get one of the group to dress up as a big cuddly teddy and charge for cuddles?

ChameFangeNail · 03/03/2022 14:44

And ‘point taken’ as an apology is pathetic. It’s just doubling down on the twattishness. Have the ovaries to own the fact that you got it really wrong.

Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 03/03/2022 14:52

Thank you all, I don't feel very dignified in the way I handled it, and I stayed silent for way too long when it was a personal issue to me so I can't blame others for staying silent. I can still hear the commentary running through my head when this was suggested, which made much more sense than my garbled teary objection. Thankfully you all articulated things a lot better than I did and it looks like they have seen sense now.

I definitely think "point taken" will still be reading this so So basically big mardy lip tripping folded arms sulky arse then made me properly laugh Grin

I'm no longer in the group chat but I expect a few more messages later when people who are working see it, I hope that a few more of the quieter ones agree with me, and I'm not sure what the other main instigators will make of it all. "Point taken" was the one who came up with the line about cuddles.

Thank you so much to the poster who donated to the local hospital towards a cuddle cot. You will never know the impact that will make for too many families. Extra cuddles with a baby who only has a limited time in your arms are absolutely priceless Flowers

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 03/03/2022 14:55

@ChameFangeNail

If any of the group are reading and want a better idea - why not either get the community to donate teddy bears and then set up a teddy stall at school and charge 10p a cuddle with a bear? Or if that’s too much faff, get one of the group to dress up as a big cuddly teddy and charge for cuddles?
Yeah, the dressing up to cuddle kids won't be allowed.
lemmity · 03/03/2022 15:04

I have worked with / encountered some horrifically insensitive people over the course of my life and Point Taken Person beats them all.

Massive respect to you OP and I'm so sorry you had to deal eith this. I'm off to see if my local hospital is collecting for cuddle cots.

Point Taken Person is hopefully off to GET IN THE SEA.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/03/2022 15:09

@KateTheEighth

"Point taken" is a really shitty response

I hope you are ok OP Thanks

Agree. If you are reading this “point taken” lady, I hope you feel truly ashamed. The correct response is a shedload of flowers and a proper apology that shows you have truly taken on board the cruelty of this ridiculous idea.
Topseyt · 03/03/2022 15:14

I hope "Point Taken" is still reading the thread.

"Point Taken" is a totally inadequate response for the hurt that this very foolish and insensitive idea has caused, and would have continued to cause if it had gone ahead.

It is a non-apology. Not at all contrite or understanding of the hurt caused by their crass insensitivity.

endofthelinefinally · 03/03/2022 15:26

That "cuddles" slogan makes me feel physically ill. I still wake up at night feeling on the edge of a panic attack because I will never be able to put my arms around my son again. I still have the terrible ache in my chest when I think of the last time I saw him, wishing I had given him an extra hug, told him again how much I love him.
That person should be nowhere near a charity connected with bereaved parents. It is disgusting.

CushionSpiral · 03/03/2022 15:34

It would have been even harder to send this knowing you are outed and no longer in the group, so kudos to you OP for that and look at how many people will be will to donate. I bet you could single handedly raise it if you started a go fund me and posted a link for us all to donate.

Sadly “point taken” will still feel hard done by that we don’t understand her amazing idea.

I’m sorry for everyone that’s had a loss.

EveningOverRooftops · 03/03/2022 15:41

This is like trying to empathise with abuse victims by being slapped about with a rubber stick.

Or empathising with someone whose beloved cat has died by getting yours put into a coma for the day.

It’s just so fucking bizarre and surreal.

These people are completely out of their minds and shouldn’t be anywhere near a charity fundraiser of any kind.

CityHigh · 03/03/2022 15:47

‘Point taken.’ Wow, what a cunt!

The correct response should have been a deeply sincere apology about how she clearly didn’t understand how upset you are and how grotesque the idea was in the first place!

Feenie · 03/03/2022 15:57

Because we know that it’s entirely possible to teach every child to read and sick of the myths still peddled by teachers who make excuses instead of trying their hardest to find out how it can be done.

I won’t apologise for being passionate about wanting to make sure every child can read and can back up everything I say with a wealth of evidence based research.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/03/2022 16:04

@Feenie

Because we know that it’s entirely possible to teach every child to read and sick of the myths still peddled by teachers who make excuses instead of trying their hardest to find out how it can be done.

I won’t apologise for being passionate about wanting to make sure every child can read and can back up everything I say with a wealth of evidence based research.

Wrong thread?
Feenie · 03/03/2022 16:04

Here you go, drspouse:

iferi.org/iferi_forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=1431

Feenie · 03/03/2022 16:05

Gosh, I am really sorry - wrong thread entirely 😳

zeldaonadreamcloud · 03/03/2022 16:07

@Feenie

Gosh, I am really sorry - wrong thread entirely 😳
See Point Taken, that's what an apology looks like Grin
Bromse · 03/03/2022 16:32

Feenie :-).

2018SoFarSoGreat · 03/03/2022 16:41

POINT TAKEN: you know who you are. Shame on you, woman. Shame on you. Your insensitivity and lack of simple human feeling is so apparent in how you have handled this entire issue. I hope you can reflect on what YOU said - and did not say - and learn from it. Point Taken does not, in any way, cut it here.

OP - you are gracious and generous and these people do not deserve you. Do not allow them to feed on your grief, or on that of any other mother in similar (horrendous) circumstances.

I will donate for you, for mothers like you, if you start a campaign. Please do. You'll have this done and done with heart and in the right spirit.

Again, I'm so sorry this whole episode brought up all of this pain, I really am. Flowers

DomesticatedZombie · 03/03/2022 16:51

Point taken? Fucking hell.

OP, this is a plain or garden arsehole. I don't usually like to fling insults, but there must be something very wrong with her thinking.

Please don't let it upset you. What an upsetting thing to go through, all because some idiot doesn't consider other people's feelings.

DomesticatedZombie · 03/03/2022 16:52

@endofthelinefinally

That "cuddles" slogan makes me feel physically ill. I still wake up at night feeling on the edge of a panic attack because I will never be able to put my arms around my son again. I still have the terrible ache in my chest when I think of the last time I saw him, wishing I had given him an extra hug, told him again how much I love him. That person should be nowhere near a charity connected with bereaved parents. It is disgusting.
I'm so very sorry. Sending you all my best. Flowers