I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

Glad they are not going ahead and some of the group understand. Disappointed with the "point taken" response but not surprised.

"Point taken" is a really shitty response

I hope you are ok OP

Sounds like their pride is getting the best of them op.

They owe you more than “point taken”. They should actually say sorry.

Everyone has stupid ideas sometimes but if you upset someone then apologise, it’s not hard.

@WetLookKnitwear

Sounds like their pride is getting the best of them op.

Agree with this. They're very ungracious. You're better off without them.

I think the only apology I would have been likely to get from her would have been "I'm sorry that you felt..." which would have made me even more angry.

I'm quite happy to have simply left the group and them still have a good reputation. Despite this incident they do a lot of good locally and it wouldn't benefit anyone for them to completely disband or for their reputation to be in tatters.

I hope one of the ones who apologised can stand up to any more stupid ideas that may come up. Although this is the only one that has been this stupid in the years we have been running, it was a fucking monumentally stupid one though.

OP, it's a shame you cannot start a fundraising effort for a cuddle cot with your donation with a gofund me that mumsnetters could add to. It's something which affects so many on here. I know that sort of thing is not allowed but its a shame that your donation will get swept up in the fundraising efforts from such an insensitive group!

Well done OP.

You've handled this really well.

@fortheloveofcheesecake

OP, it's a shame you cannot start a fundraising effort for a cuddle cot with your donation with a gofund me that mumsnetters could add to. It's something which affects so many on here. I know that sort of thing is not allowed but its a shame that your donation will get swept up in the fundraising efforts from such an insensitive group!

From doing research I know quite a few hospitals are raising funds for cuddle cots.

It would be lovely if MNers had a look in their area and donated locally to those.

Its something you only realise how essential it is if you're in the devastating position to need one, and people who don't need one don't want to think about it.

I'll be donating directly to the department, but as long as they raise enough money to get one I don't really care if its swept up alongside the fundraising they eventually decide to do.

My main concerns were it not being this specific fundraiser, and making enough money for one, the first has been achieved by the look of it, and I'm certain the second one will be.

I can see why you got upset.

And I don't think bereavement should be appropriated in this way.

You can't cosplay losing a child...

I will be looking at my local hospital to see if they are fundraising for one and then further afield if not. You sound lovely OP. Wishing you all the best x

So glad that they have decided not to go ahead with their 'idea'. Disappointed with the 'point taken' response. An apology was and is in order in my opinion, though I agree that they seem to be of the 'sorry you were offended' school of thought, which would just be rage inducing.

Thank you for the update. I think you've handled this unbearably distressing situation with great patience and dignity.

Every good wish to you. x

You've single handedly raised awareness among the many posters and lurkers on this thread fortunate enough to have been unaware of cuddle cots, OP, and your suggestion for people to look for local campaigns is very sensible.

Thank you for raising awareness OP, I have donated to the local hospitals campaign for cuddle cots.

The person who came up with the slogan, "we'll give up our cuddles so you can have yours," probably thought they were being really clever. I'm guessing they were really impressed with themselves for such a snazzy catchphrase and really didnt want to let any common sense get it in the way of it.

Thing is, you can come up with a snazzy slogan for anything. Even atrocities can be given fun catchphrases. It doesnt make them a good idea though.

They were just too pleased with themselves and their slogan that they didnt want to accept what a terrible idea, and therefore disgusting slogan, it was.

'Point taken'? Blimey, how ungraceful. I am glad they have seen sense though. I hope you're as OK as possible OP, and that the next few days treat you kindly.

What a disgusting idea and to the person just saying 'point taken', I hope you continue to read this. It's one thing making a wrong judgement (although how one can be this inept on understanding other people's emotions I don't know) but to get funny with someone who is a bereaved parent and then not even have the decency to apologise properly is vile. I honestly can't believe what I've just read.

I had a message from the one who issued the 'apology' saying "point taken" and a couple of messages off the group chat apologising for staying silent, but that they agree with me

There is a lesson here in the need not to stay silent.

Point taken ??? How about a proper apology for your insensitivity !! Words fail me with this response. Hold your head high - and "point taken" should hang his or her head in shame !

but to get funny with someone who is a bereaved parent and then not even have the decency to apologise properly is vile

I agree. They clearly care more about their own feelings than those of the bereaved mother they caused distress to.
An apology would have been ' I'm sorry, I got this badly wrong and I am truly sorry for the distress it caused you.'

Well done OP. You've acted with real strength on this.

Being separated from your child for 24 hours is more of a break than a bereavement, you know your going to see the child again when they haven't died. Maybe suggest doing something that represents the hardship of grief like crawling a mile a race carrying a something really heavy to symbolise the hardness of having to carry on after a loss.

You're kidding!
Point taken?

So basically big mardy lip tripping folded arms sulky arse then

If anybody should be deciding what the theme of a fund-raising campaign for such a deserving cause should be it's you @Namechanged4obvreasons

For anyone else reading this who needs to know the Fundraising Code of Conduct (and Ethics!) is incredibly important to bear in mind when dreaming up your next bucket shaking event. The idea that you think what is best for the beneficiaries rather than actually asking and listening to them, belies that fact you want to support them in the first place. Tone deaf indeed, open your ears, heart as well as your wallets please.

OP I wish you all the best and my sympathies for your loss

It sounds as if “point taken woman” likes to tell people off and feel morally superior. That was a very ungracious message, especially after the patronising one she sent earlier.