I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

I think you need to reply that:

• It could be seen as trivialising parents' grief
• It's likely to create negative publicity for the organisation

And therefore they really need to reconsider

It totally trivialises what you and other patents have been through. Its in very poor taste at best.

They think it's OK to play at being bereaved?
And not just OK but commendable and something people will give them money for?

Must have been awful for you OP. Good on you for not backing down. I'm not suprised you don't want to spend time with these people anymore.

It's a horrific idea. Anything that replicates anything related to the horror of losing a child is awful. The event should instead be linked into something that bought the child happiness as a tribute to that child. Or not have a link at all.

It's the most tactless thing I have ever heard

Just to add to the voices "we give up our cuddles so you can have yours" actually made me feel sick too, it's shockingly heartless. I honestly don't see how they can't see that.

I am shocked that anyone could even suggest such a thing.
It is beyond insensitive.

I really hope they take a moment to think about how revolting it is to say to bereaved parents hey we are going to be away from our children for 24 hours so we will experience what you're going through and raise money.
Just - fuck off. Absolutely fuck off with that stupid idea.

I suspect sending them this thread was a bad idea. They'll likely decide they're the victims here and it will become about how upsetting it is for them that you reacted this way and how they are trying to do A Good Thing and not how they think not hugging their child for one day then having a nice cuddly reunion and business as usual has anything in common with or gives any insight into how it feels when your child dies.

You'll never see your children again but we got to tuck ours into bed after 24 hours.

FFS. Idiots.

And they forgive you for your reaction!
They fucking WHAT??

I don't have words.

Well. I do. But I'd just get deleted.

It’s similar to shaving your head to look like a cancer sufferer or sleeping out in the streets for homeless
I once sent kids out in wheelchairs ( with tasks to complete so they would have access issues) a wheelchair using woman saw this and offered and came to school to talk to them which was much better
Trying to replicate the “issue” for “fun” is not a good thing

I would email everyone individually and come up with other ideas that have nothing to do with kids or babies - toy and book sale cakes car washing

How much is a cuddle cot?

I hope they reconsider and recognise their tone deaf idea and message to you afterwards was out of order

You are not wrong @Namechanged4obvreasons

Volunteer fundraising can be pretty old fashioned at times, I am thinking about the homeless sleep on the streets to raise cash for the night and a sighted woman doing 24 hours blindfolded to raise cash for a blind charity. Campaigns like this should be questioned more.

I do think you should write to the group but do some reading up on the issues and ethics around 'problems fundraising emotional' and you could also write to the hospital who approached you to raise concerns and ask how they think they parents of their patients might feel about such an emotional laden fundraising campaign.

The Institute of Fundraising's Codes of Practice (whose website appears to be down for maintenance today) warn charities against producing any fundraising materials that intend to cause distress or anxiety. Daniel Fluskey, head of policy and research at the IoF, says "Emotive appeals can help connect a donor with a cause, but it should always be respectful."

And this below link to their code of conduct may well help you use the 'right' language to put the scaries up 'em, I would be inclined to pay particular attention to 2. Ethical Standards and Integrity, especially the 2nd and third bullet points ;)

ciof.org.uk/about-us/code-of-conduct

Yes send a link to just giving I’m happy to chip in just to end this hideousness for you

What a bizarre and insensitive idea. I would not sponsor anyone for doing anything so sanctimonious and tone deaf.

Like you, I'd be wondering whether or not I could envisage a future doing fundraising with such a bunch of twats.

Maybe the ones who stayed silent were just as disbelieving as you. Some might follow your lead if you can stand against this.

Yes to publishing this thread to all of them.

I really hope they see sense. I can't believe anyone would think this was a good idea. Shame on them. It's horrible.

This is one thread that I wouldn’t mind the daily Mail getting hold of.

Just despicable.

@SunshineCake1

How much is a cuddle cot?

about £1500 each.

@Namechanged4obvreasons your response was normal, of course you were going to cry when they just didn’t get this. They shouldn’t have made you feel shitty in their reply.

Huge well done for actually raising this and sending them this link.

To anyone on that group, I get it seemed like a good idea, but it really isn’t. Giving you your cuddles so they can have theirs? Nope. Most people would be happy with a night on the piss away from their kids. It’s not the same.

I’m not a bereaved parent and can see this is a bad idea. And when someone affected tells you it is, you don’t dismiss them, you listen. If you were planning a disabled event, and someone disabled tells you it’s bad, they know, listen.

Ooops sorry!!

@DefiniteTortoise

'Dear volunteering group. The fundraising idea you have suggested suggests that being separated from your living child for a brief, finite period of time is somehow analogous to being separated from that child forever due to their death. As a bereaved parent I am appalled at quite how tone deaf this suggestion is, and implore you to consider other options for fundraising in this instance.'

I'm so sorry OP

This! And I would also the physical pain you suffer so intensely for the first couple of years. That feeling can’t be replicated.

I hope those group members who were silent feel a bit ashamed of themselves reading this. Why on earth would you not speak up and support a bereaved mother who is voicing her (valid and lived) opinion on what a shit idea it is. And the arrogance of the group spokesperson to ignore OPs input and suggest they will press on with the idea. Staggering!! I think they’ve let the power of being fundraisers go to their heads.

Sorry for your loss OP. I hope the next few days are more peaceful for you.

Thanks again everyone.

The thread had been read.

I had a message from the one who issued the 'apology' saying "point taken" and a couple of messages off the group chat apologising for staying silent, but that they agree with me.

I've now left the chat, and won't be returning to the group again and I will be personally be donating as much as I can towards the cuddle cot.

I'm sorry to anyone this thread has upset, but thank you all for taking the time to help me make sure this didn't go ahead, and thankfully it seems like it won't.

Your voices were definitely more effective than mine here and I appreciate every message which has made the group see how harmful this would have been.

She hasn't even had the decency to apologise?

'point taken' is plain rude and dismissive. she should be ashamed of herself.

I thought that too. I think you’re owed a bit more than “point taken”, but someone who was pushing this idea in the first place and then refused to accept that your reaction to it was valid, is never going to understand that.

Hope she learns something from this.