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Original poster

I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

401 replies

Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:06

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 03/03/2022 16:54

Whoever said it was like something David Brent would come up with is spot on - it's that appalling, tone deaf and cringe worthy I don't know why Point Taken isn't curling up into a ball of hot shame in her house.

SusieMyersonAndAssociates · 03/03/2022 17:07

Also a bereaved parent who thought they’d heard it all.

My jaw will be on the floor all evening.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/03/2022 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/03/2022 17:18

And OBVIOUSLY Lil Miss point taken was who came up with that wonderful slogan, that goes without say!! Literally says it all about the type of person you’re dealing with.

NCembarassed · 03/03/2022 17:20

I think one of the things I find hardest about this (my son didn't live long after he was born) is that 24h without their child would probably be spent having a lovely time, and they probably know their child is safe during it. After the 24h they get the joy of seeing their child again.

For those of us who have lost a child - we've lived through that horrible event, and will never see our child again. The insensitivity of the suggested event, and lack of compassion are horrible (lost for words).

Those who think this is ok must be incredibly self-absorbed, and privileged to have never been in this position. They obviously don't know many people this has happened to, as I'd like to believe no-one would do something so hurtful, deliberately.

Yet, their behaviour toward OP indicates that they know it's hurtful, and they don't care. This is inhumane.

Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 03/03/2022 17:22

@endofthelinefinally I am so sorry Flowers

This is truly a shit place to be. And I'm sorry you have to miss your boy.

I don't want to out my particular area in case it damages the fundraising, but I've had a Google and there's a registered charity who raise money for cuddle cots. Hospitals can apply for one from this charity, and if someone wants to donate, and can't find a fundraiser in their area it looks like a good one to donate to (I'd advise people to properly check the charity out themselves first as I've only just googled it, had a quick look and checked its a registered charity).

I've had a couple of really nice messages from group members apologising for not saying anything, they were also shocked and didn't know what to say. Point taken, by the looks of it, has blocked me. Our paths don't cross besides this group anyway so it's no huge loss to me.

I hope this doesn't impact them as a group and they continue to do so much good for local causes, its a shame I had to leave, but I don't think I could tolerate 'point taken' after this again.

Thank you everyone for your support Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 03/03/2022 17:29

@SusieMyersonAndAssociates

Also a bereaved parent who thought they’d heard it all.

My jaw will be on the floor all evening.

I really did think I'd heard it all from "I know how you feel, my dog died 3 years ago and was like my child" to "My granny died when I was 5 so I totally understand" and everything in between.

I still can't get my head around it.

I'm sorry that you're here too Flowers it's such a shit place to be.

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 03/03/2022 17:36

Those who think this is ok must be incredibly self-absorbed, and privileged to have never been in this position. They obviously don't know many people this has happened to, as I'd like to believe no-one would do something so hurtful, deliberately.

Even if you don't know someone in this position it takes very little imagination to understand why this is Not OK.

Point taken is a dick

endofthelinefinally · 03/03/2022 17:53

Oh God yes. I have had the dog/cat died so they completely understand. Don't even get me started on all the wailing and gnashing of teeth because their child has gone to university/another country/got married and they miss them soooo much. I know we all miss our children, my surviving children have moved away and I miss them but at least they are alive and I can speak to them/visit them. It is NOT the same and it is extremely tactless to complain about it to someone whose child is dead.

endofthelinefinally · 03/03/2022 17:58

Sorry. I am derailing the thread. OP you are absolutely right to leave this group. This individual is just awful and appears to completely lack insight.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 03/03/2022 18:09

Point taken, by the looks of it, has blocked me

Grief, she is really determined not to apologise! What an unpleasant person.

theyreallydontcare · 03/03/2022 18:13

Point taken really is an utter cunt. Her blocking you, OP, just underlines that she really doesn't understand that she has done anything wrong, and is probably feeling annoyed at being pulled up on it.

Unfortunately there are people without empathy. Sadly more than you might think. The levels of self absorption of some people never cease to amaze me. I have had a few jaw-dropping moments after my own bereavements, and a friend who lost two young children as a result of a genetic inherited disorder has tales of inappropriate comments that you would scarcely believe were true if it weren't for the fact that there is no way they would be made up by my friend. Some people are terrifyingly cold and emotionally illiterate.

The appropriation of someone else's grief that a previous poster mentioned really sums it up.

I'm so glad you made a stand regarding this, OP, although the fact that you had to in the first place is unbelievable.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 03/03/2022 18:35

I am unsurprised Point Taken has blocked you. I know the type. She'll be outraged that you are being so horrible to her. 🙄 Cos of course, it's all about her.
Fundraising attracts its fair share of that sort tbh.

Herewegoagain84 · 03/03/2022 18:42

An absolutely horrible idea. You are not in the wrong, and I sincerely hope the group realised how insensitive and crass this idea is

ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 18:55

@endofthelinefinally you are not derailing the post at all. People need to hear your voice
Point taken will still be reading this, your voice carries weight Flowers to you all

saraclara · 03/03/2022 18:55

I'm not convinced that the abuse of point taken (especially the use of the c word) is great. It's a kind of cyber bullying which doesn't reflect well on us.

OP is behaving with such dignity that verbal abuse of someone who hasn't put herself on this thread, really sticks out.

I'll be making a donation for you OP. I don't think I've ever come across such dignity and fairness from someone on here. Your determination to still admire the work of the group despite what happened, and to wish them well, is really honourable.

the80sweregreat · 03/03/2022 19:01

It's a truly Horrible idea :(
People never cease to amaze me with their stupidity at times.
No wonder you were upset.

headintheproverbial · 03/03/2022 19:38

Send them this thread. ALL of them.

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2022 19:44

Incredibly crass idea. How can being away for 24 hours compare with the loss of a child? This would just demonstrate a total lack of empathy.

StartupRepair · 03/03/2022 19:50

OP I hope you can find something lovely, meaningful and restorative to do with the time you save by leaving that group.

koalalala · 03/03/2022 19:52

Oh god that's horrific. You've got to speak up! I don't know what to say though!

Rainartist · 03/03/2022 20:02

@WouldIwasShookspeared

I am unsurprised Point Taken has blocked you. I know the type. She'll be outraged that you are being so horrible to her. 🙄 Cos of course, it's all about her. Fundraising attracts its fair share of that sort tbh.
Absolutely agree here. She will be affronted that her idea wasn't gratefully accepted, deep down she may be utterly mortified and embarrassed but as that's an alien/weak notion and difficult to reflect on, it's easier to affronted and make out you're being vile, than truly self reflect and apologise profusely.
Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 03/03/2022 20:35

@endofthelinefinally you aren't derailing at all. Every single post on this thread has made the group have a rethink thankfully.

Because you, and so many others, have done such a difficult thing and shared your pain, you have helped prevent more parents like us being hurt, and stopped a great cause being impacted negatively, so I can only thank you for that Flowers

I've had a few more messages apologising and agreeing with me and they have confirmed this plan will not be going ahead.

The silence from the ones who were the instigators is very, very loud, and I have been told that Point Taken has simply said that they are going to discuss other ideas as that one could potentially be perceived as offensive. It definitely sounds like some of you have had a Point Taken in your lives and have the measure of her.

If she is still reading this I would just like to wish you all the best with raising the funds for this, and future, causes. I'm not going to apologise for the measures I took to ensure this plan wouldn't go ahead, but thank you for listening and putting a stop to this idea before it went anywhere.

OP posts:
Shrekprincess · 03/03/2022 21:29

@Tigofigo

Those who think this is ok must be incredibly self-absorbed, and privileged to have never been in this position. They obviously don't know many people this has happened to, as I'd like to believe no-one would do something so hurtful, deliberately.

Even if you don't know someone in this position it takes very little imagination to understand why this is Not OK.

Point taken is a dick

I completely agree. I am childfree by choice and have never had any loss so absolutely no personal experience, I don’t know anyone close to me who has openly had any loss either and I felt sick reading the OPs post and the ‘slogan’. I can’t believe how dense and cold some people can be.

I’m so sorry for the OP and everyone who has shared on here Flowers

CushionSpiral · 03/03/2022 21:32

OP, you continue to hold your head up high, her blocking you and not apologising further and still suggesting to the group that it only might be inappropriate speaks volumes. The fact the others felt they couldn’t speak up either also states what kind of woman point taken it. She will absolutely be feeling she’s been bullied on MN for not worshipping her idea.