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Original poster

Dp won't let kids leave the house because of Russian invasion

327 replies

Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/03/2022 08:28

We live in the UK and he won't let our secondary school age kids leave the house and go to school. It is 10 minutes away so pretty local. He is usually intelligent, aware of world events and history. He used to be in the marines and is very aware of military history and stuff. You get the picture. I think the kids can go in as normal but have discussed it with him and he wont budge. So they will have more time at home now. He wants them to have the whole week off. I have said they can stay home today and we will discuss it tomorrow. After all the lockdowns....self isolation due to covid twice.
Is he crazy?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 01/03/2022 14:49

I hope he's OK OP and he gets some help

Original poster
Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/03/2022 14:49

There have been some useful comments, so thank you for those. There have been ott responses telling me he is abusive and will surely kill us all.
We are not locked in. I went to my part time job. I have spoken to him and he has said he is fine with the kids going into school tomorrow and he says he will go into work tomorrow. Hopefully that will happen.
The kids will definitely be at school from tomorrow even if dp changes his mind.
I have suggested he see someone about this. Go to go for now.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 01/03/2022 14:57

Hi, it sounds tricky. While you try to work out how to help him can you rationalise rhe following He said he doesn't want to spend the last hours of life at work. by explaining the children may not wish to spend their final hours at home? They may choose to go to school this week. That might give you time and space to look after your husband.

velvetblanket · 01/03/2022 14:57

@FatherBuzzCagney

Hi OP,

I'm an analyst of Russian foreign/security policy. Your DP is overreacting.

Despite the very vague threatening statements made by the Russians over the last few days, the US government was reporting a few hours ago that no change to Russian nuclear force posture had been detected. There's no evidence - so far - that this was more than a desperate attempt to retrieve some credibility in the face of Russia's weakness in Ukraine and inability to stop Western states coordinating diplomatic and economic responses.

Even if Putin is mentally unstable - and there's no consensus on that - the people around him, including the senior military leadership, aren't.

Also thanks for this. I've screenshot this comment and have decided I'm going to otherwise restrict my time online.
REP22 · 01/03/2022 14:58

Best wishes, OP. I hope that your DP can find some peace of mind and that his worries haven't been too frightening for your children.

It is a troubling time. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Sending you all the best. x

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 15:03

I'm glad you've made progress. Keep an eye on him OP, and be kind to each other.

Brieandcamembert · 01/03/2022 15:06

Do not stand aside and let him garn your children like this or you are as bad as him. You are setting them up for a life time of mental health difficulties if you don't stop this right now

crispsarny · 01/03/2022 15:19

All the best op, I hope things improve for you all soon Flowers

Whatthefleckster · 01/03/2022 15:28

@Privateandconfidentialplease

Some really good responses. To my knowledge he didnt go to war when he was a marine and has never suffered ptsd or anxiety. I think he has been suffering undiagnosed depression for a while now but not anxiety. I am not enabling him. I do not think it is ok to keep the kids off school but i have to respect that he is their dad and has a say in this. I will not ltb as some posters suggested. He has no where to go and neither do we. I am hoping that during the day he will see sense. I will chat to him later on and i will say they are going in to school tomorrow. If I meet resistance I guess I will have to stick to my guns. He has said out loud what his fears are and he still thinks it is rational. I know it is irrational to keep them home but he doesn't.
It's highly unlikely that if he was a marine, he wouldn't have been in some form of active service. We've had a 20 year war in Afghanistan, plus Irag. Before that Bosnia and Kosovo. And we all underestimate how bad Northern Ireland under the troubles were. I'm glad you've recognised that this wasn't a normal reaction though. All the best OP.
BoredZelda · 01/03/2022 15:52

There have been ott responses telling me he is abusive

I wouldn’t dismiss these as OTT. You are living with a man who refused to let his children go to school and who you didn’t want to go against because “it wouldn’t go well” That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship in any way, for you or your children. What did your children learn about yours and their relationship with their father? Do what he says to keep the peace.

Brefugee · 01/03/2022 16:27

Glad to see your update, OP. The best suggestion here was on the first page, i think, and that was to get in touch with SSAFA.

At the height of the cold war when the Protect & Survive leaflets were being sent to all households, and films like The Day After, Threads and When the Wind Blows came out one after the other it was a very strange feeling. TBH when i was at school a lot of us thought we'd never make it to 40 because of the threat of nuclear war and pension planning seemed idiotic. And yet here we are.

ThanksItHasPockets · 01/03/2022 16:47

I'm glad to see that your update is more positive, OP, and I hope that tomorrow goes well.

Have you never thought that it's a bit strange that you aren't sure if he saw active duty while in the Forces? I can understand not knowing details if he was involved in covert operations but if he won't talk about that period at all then that might be a sign that he needs some help.

Andouillette · 01/03/2022 16:59

@ThanksItHasPockets

I'm glad to see that your update is more positive, OP, and I hope that tomorrow goes well.

Have you never thought that it's a bit strange that you aren't sure if he saw active duty while in the Forces? I can understand not knowing details if he was involved in covert operations but if he won't talk about that period at all then that might be a sign that he needs some help.

Good point. Possible he was SBS. OP I am relieved to read that things seem to have settled a bit but steps still need to be taken to get him some help. I see you mentioned that your GP is very hard to get hold of at the moment (same here!) so I'd go for one of the Services specific providers mentioned by PPs. Please do that asap.
bellac11 · 01/03/2022 18:00

@girlmom21

I would also speak to the LA/school to see if their education welfare officer can visit, the children wont be able to have their absence authorised and if you contact them first, they will visit and be able to support you to get the right referrals made to support him.

I would advise against this. There are a lot of services that can provide appropriate support. An educational welfare officer isn't one of them.

An EWO is exactly the person that can support because their job is to support parents to ensure that their children attend school. They will join up with a multi agency approach to liaise with the right services to enable him to send them to school
Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 18:02

That’s quite worrying op. This morning rhe kids can’t go to school and he thinks he’s going to die and now the kids can go to school and he’s going to work tomorrow? That’s so deeply unstable it’s worse.

bellac11 · 01/03/2022 18:25

@AlternativePerspective

people need to stop justifying abusive behaviour in the name of mental illness.

So maybe he’s mentally ill, we don’t actually know, but even if he is that doesn’t mean his children should be victims of it. OP’s responsibility needs to be to her children not this man. If he’s so mentally ill that he’s refusing to allow his family to leave the house then he needs removing from the situation or the n
OP needs to remove herself.

Allowing herself to be controlled like this is one thing, allowing him to control her children and potentially contributing towards their poor mental health as they grow up is absolutely not acceptable, it doesn’t matter why it happens, all that matters is that it has.

I would absolutely be saying to this man that he either seek medical advice now or I would take the children and leave.

Leaving aside the claim of 'abuse' for the time being.... what 'medical advice' do you think in this situation would be forthcoming.

You think what... that he will get an appointment at the GP and the GP do what exactly, prescribe some anti depressant/anxiety medication?
You think the husband would go?
You think counselling would be offered? and the husband would attend?

I said earlier the two main services to call are the police if she feels that if she pushes him by getting the children out that they might be at risk, they could then safeguard her and decide if he needs a mental health assessment and secondly get the LA/school on board to ask for help

Medical intervention on a layman 'patient' basis is going to go no where in this country right now.

saraclara · 01/03/2022 19:00

@Privateandconfidentialplease

There have been some useful comments, so thank you for those. There have been ott responses telling me he is abusive and will surely kill us all. We are not locked in. I went to my part time job. I have spoken to him and he has said he is fine with the kids going into school tomorrow and he says he will go into work tomorrow. Hopefully that will happen. The kids will definitely be at school from tomorrow even if dp changes his mind. I have suggested he see someone about this. Go to go for now.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow. That's progress at least.

I hope the kids are okay and haven't heard/taken on his fear.

KeyWorker · 01/03/2022 20:17

But telling the school the children are ill is enabling him. The children are not ill, they are staying at home to appease their fathers anxiety.

toomuchlaundry · 02/03/2022 07:56

How is it going this morning @Privateandconfidentialplease

SartresSoul · 02/03/2022 09:11

Why does he think they’re any safer at home? If we’re going to get nuked it will just happen and we can’t change it. He’s completely irrational.

duvetdayforeveryone · 02/03/2022 09:14

@Privateandconfidentialplease Please either send your children to school or call the police. He cannot keep you hostage!

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 09:15

[quote duvetdayforeveryone]@Privateandconfidentialplease Please either send your children to school or call the police. He cannot keep you hostage![/quote]
She went to work. She wasn't kept hostage.

Original poster
Privateandconfidentialplease · 02/03/2022 09:18

Kids up and out and are at school.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/03/2022 09:19

How is your DH?

TYbakedpotato · 03/03/2022 12:19

@Privateandconfidentialplease

Kids up and out and are at school.
Good to hear - how are all of you doing today? Has your DH agreed to talk to someone about how he's feeling?
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