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Original poster

Dp won't let kids leave the house because of Russian invasion

327 replies

Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/03/2022 08:28

We live in the UK and he won't let our secondary school age kids leave the house and go to school. It is 10 minutes away so pretty local. He is usually intelligent, aware of world events and history. He used to be in the marines and is very aware of military history and stuff. You get the picture. I think the kids can go in as normal but have discussed it with him and he wont budge. So they will have more time at home now. He wants them to have the whole week off. I have said they can stay home today and we will discuss it tomorrow. After all the lockdowns....self isolation due to covid twice.
Is he crazy?

OP posts:

username1293948 · 01/03/2022 12:23

Why are you allowing your children to suffer by listening to him? Get them up and to school regardless of what he says. Not normal at all.

timeisnotaline · 01/03/2022 12:24

He might be their dad but do you really think he has a say here? It’s not legal to decide you won’t let your child attend school. All you have to do is tell the school and social services your husband won’t let the children go. That’s what I’d tell my dh if he were doing this.

username1293948 · 01/03/2022 12:25

@Privateandconfidentialplease

I don't think I am enabling him. Usually what I say goes...regarding the kids. He really wont budge on this. I reckon if i insist they go in it won't go well. I will try to get them in tomorrow tho. He said he isn't going into work this week. He said he doesn't want to spend the last hours of life at work.

You ARE enabling him. Get them to school ffs. What’s he going to do, physically restrain them? What’s your answer going to be when the school inevitably rings and asks why they aren’t in? They will report you to the authorities

ravenmum · 01/03/2022 12:25

I agree that it isn't entirely irrational.
However, although we don't know how mad Putin is, most people are currently saying that if he does use nuclear weapons, that would probably mean local, smaller-scale attacks on the Ukraine rather than shooting off a missile to another random country thousands of km away.
news.sky.com/story/ukraine-invasion-what-nuclear-weapons-does-russia-possess-and-what-might-it-use-them-for-12554087
This article mentions, for example, "the 2S7 gun ... It can also fire a nuclear shell with a yield of about one kilotonne - one thousand tonnes of TNT equivalent". That's the kind of size people used to stand and watch as they exploded a mile away during US nuclear tests. A lot of the tests were much bigger. 1 ktonne is not good for the locals but not a threat for you in the UK.

It's in Putin's interest for us to believe that he is so bonkers he might do it. So him appearing mad enough to do it, having himself filmed making his generals look shocked, etc. does not mean anything about the likelihood of it happening.

And even though it's also possible that he might lose it entirely and start WW3, it's not definitely going to happen this week, which is the context in which your dh's actions would make sense. He wants to be with them if the UK is nuked in the future, but he has to weigh that up against the fear he is instilling in his children now, and what happens if you are not nuked, and they grow up with the psychological effects.

Ponoka7 · 01/03/2022 12:26

Dlso you've decided not to safeguard the children and act in their best interests. He doesn't get a say when what he wants isn't what's best for them. There will be parents thinking like your DH and some will commit murder/suicide, some will cause them anxiety which will stay with them and everything in between. If things escalator don't shy away from calling other support services. They need to be in school tomorrow.

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 12:26

Ok so he's having some kind of mental health crisis then?

We're not at war. A week won't make a difference. He needs counselling.

lockdownalli · 01/03/2022 12:27

OP you ARE enabling him. You should be prioritising your DC needs over DP MH issues.

What might he do if you say the DC are going to school tomorrow?

ravenmum · 01/03/2022 12:29

Do the children know why they are being kept at home? Have you told them not to let anyone know? Given them a different reason that sounds plausible? They need a good explanation or they may be badly bullied.

username1293948 · 01/03/2022 12:30

You say you’re doing this to “respect his say as a Father” … you sound as delusional as he is. You’re allowing his deteriorating mental health to impact your children by not sending them to school where they should be.

Rosesandblossoms · 01/03/2022 12:32

Can everyone calling him ridiculous check yourself and go and do some reading up on anxiety and PTSD. At the urging of my husband yesterday I have got back in touch with my therapist to have a conversation about anxiety. If I had my way the children would be at home. In fact if I had my way the Children would be out of the country. I’ve started mild prepping and the last thing I reminded DH before I forced myself out of the house to work this morning is the location of the children’s classrooms, so that if the alarm sounds, he can go and be with them (school is one minute away on foot).

You might think I’m crazy, and I probably am, but it’s real to me…and that’s partly because my role means I know more about this than most. @Privateandconfidentialplease, I’m so sorry that your DH doesn’t have the clarity of thought to recognise that this isn’t a proportional reaction, or that, if you live in an area that might be a target, that them being in school is no less safe than being in your house. I wish him well, and hope that he finds a degree of internal peace soon.

Gowithme · 01/03/2022 12:32

@jytdtysrht

I don’t think he’s crazy. Putin threatened never before seen consequences for interfering. Easily construed as nukes. We’ve interfered. Putin has the means to send a nuke here. Very easily. So it is logical to consider that we could be nuked. However secondary kids need to go to school. At this stage, they should definitely go. But your h isn’t wrong or stupid. He’s knowledgeable and experienced and worrying over something that could easily happen. Putin has no decency or boundaries. He does things that are beyond the pale. He just novichooks or irradiated people who don’t agree with him. He has already trashed himself by invading like this and so why wouldn’t he start firing nukes? He personally has little to lose given his age and position.

Don't you think he was conveniently vague. At no point has he said 'if you interfere I will nuke you'. There's nothing stopping him saying that if that's what he plans so why be vague? My guess is because it isn't what he means at all but it's convenient to make us think that.

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 12:34

@labyrinthlaziness yes I would escalate the situation when the former soldier was acting nuts and forcing his kids to stay home. He wasn't fucking drafted.

venusmay · 01/03/2022 12:34

Good grief.Yes he's in the wrong, take charge and explain to him he needs help. The situation is very serious in Ukraine but there's nothing to suggest we are currently at risk. Let the children go to school. He has no right to keep them at home.

user1471538283 · 01/03/2022 12:34

It sounds like PTSD to me. He cannot think rationally because he is in the zone. My DF could be like this sometimes and I do understand it.

But the children have to go to school and he needs to try to manage this.

He must feel absolutely terrible and he needs support.

Lambkin689 · 01/03/2022 12:36

Tell him that I have family in Ukraine right now who can hear explosions around them, their electricity and water is cutting out regularly, looting is going on in their town, and they're still going out to work. They just duck into their shelter with the kids when a siren sounds.

FilledSoda · 01/03/2022 12:37

Going along with his disordered thinking will reinforce his delusions.
You can have compassion and respect for him without allowing him to do this to the children .
What if he decides you'd all be better off out of it ?
This is very serious OP.

NativityDreaming · 01/03/2022 12:40

I think the OP is enabling his behaviour, she has lied to the school and kept the children home. This is the definition of enabling behaviour.

Being depressed does not negate the fact that this is controlling and abusive behaviour. He does need help, and some good signposting on this thread to relevant sources of support, but the children need protecting from this behaviour too, not capitulation.

I would be speaking to the school and asking for support.

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 12:40

@Privateandconfidentialplease

Some really good responses. To my knowledge he didnt go to war when he was a marine and has never suffered ptsd or anxiety. I think he has been suffering undiagnosed depression for a while now but not anxiety. I am not enabling him. I do not think it is ok to keep the kids off school but i have to respect that he is their dad and has a say in this. I will not ltb as some posters suggested. He has no where to go and neither do we. I am hoping that during the day he will see sense. I will chat to him later on and i will say they are going in to school tomorrow. If I meet resistance I guess I will have to stick to my guns. He has said out loud what his fears are and he still thinks it is rational. I know it is irrational to keep them home but he doesn't.

So he's never even been to war but you're allowing him to take out his depression and anxiety on your children. Why are you so afraid to tell him to stop being crazy? Would he hit you?

He's unbalanced. He needs to see a doctor and calm the fuck down.

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 12:41

@user1471538283

It sounds like PTSD to me. He cannot think rationally because he is in the zone. My DF could be like this sometimes and I do understand it.

But the children have to go to school and he needs to try to manage this.

He must feel absolutely terrible and he needs support.

She's said he never even saw action.

SlashBeef · 01/03/2022 12:42

@Lambkin689

Snap. Family stuck in Kharkiv and they cannot get out now. They're cracking on because they have to.

ShaneTwane · 01/03/2022 12:44

I wish people would stop saying PTSD means what he is doing isn't abusive and wrong. Of course it is. Even in the midst of a mental health crisis you can be abusive. That's not to say he is usually abusive, but him refusing to allow his children out to school is abusive. I grew up with a father traumatized with PTSD and flashbacks from the wars he has fought in and it's hell on earth being raised that way. It doesn't make it any easier when your dad's screaming at you or blocking you leaving the house or madly enlisting you into scrubbing the house and putting it into military order in case anything happens and people just say "oh it's PTSD poor man he is a war hero you should respect and feel sorry for him. Despite PTSD they are still normal people and Still need to seek mental help and not subject their family to their crisis.

RainingYetAgain · 01/03/2022 12:45

It does sound that the current situation has triggered something connected to his service. Depending how long he has been out of the Marines he might be able to get help from the nearest DCMH, (military mental health services) .
Alternately try to ask the Combat Stress helpline for advice.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 01/03/2022 12:48

How is your children? If their father is so worried that the world will end and keep them at home, it must have devastating effect on the children.
I really think your dh needs urgent help.

Wolfiefan · 01/03/2022 12:50

@Rosesandblossoms your therapist hasn’t helped. You need to speak to your GP. Your behaviour isn’t a rational response to the level of threat. What alarm exactly? Please seek help ASAP.
Just because this man does seem to be having some kind of MH episode probably triggered by the news doesn’t mean that his behaviour is acceptable. It IS abusive to deny the kids an education or his wife to leave the house.

username1293948 · 01/03/2022 12:51

can everyone stop saying he has PTSD when he’s never even been in action nor saw a battlefield

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