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Original poster

Dp won't let kids leave the house because of Russian invasion

327 replies

Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/03/2022 08:28

We live in the UK and he won't let our secondary school age kids leave the house and go to school. It is 10 minutes away so pretty local. He is usually intelligent, aware of world events and history. He used to be in the marines and is very aware of military history and stuff. You get the picture. I think the kids can go in as normal but have discussed it with him and he wont budge. So they will have more time at home now. He wants them to have the whole week off. I have said they can stay home today and we will discuss it tomorrow. After all the lockdowns....self isolation due to covid twice.
Is he crazy?

OP posts:
Libertybear80 · 01/03/2022 12:52

Call the school and tell them your DH is having a breakdown!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/03/2022 12:53

@Rosesandblossoms

Can everyone calling him ridiculous check yourself and go and do some reading up on anxiety and PTSD. At the urging of my husband yesterday I have got back in touch with my therapist to have a conversation about anxiety. If I had my way the children would be at home. In fact if I had my way the Children would be out of the country. I’ve started mild prepping and the last thing I reminded DH before I forced myself out of the house to work this morning is the location of the children’s classrooms, so that if the alarm sounds, he can go and be with them (school is one minute away on foot).

You might think I’m crazy, and I probably am, but it’s real to me…and that’s partly because my role means I know more about this than most. @Privateandconfidentialplease, I’m so sorry that your DH doesn’t have the clarity of thought to recognise that this isn’t a proportional reaction, or that, if you live in an area that might be a target, that them being in school is no less safe than being in your house. I wish him well, and hope that he finds a degree of internal peace soon.

He doesn't have PTSD. OP said that already.
balalake · 01/03/2022 12:54

Unreasonable, having children travel to and from school accompanied would be OK, not otherwise.

Lambkin689 · 01/03/2022 12:55

@SlashBeef FlowersFlowersFlowers

busyeatingbiscuits · 01/03/2022 12:55

[quote Wolfiefan]@Rosesandblossoms your therapist hasn’t helped. You need to speak to your GP. Your behaviour isn’t a rational response to the level of threat. What alarm exactly? Please seek help ASAP.
Just because this man does seem to be having some kind of MH episode probably triggered by the news doesn’t mean that his behaviour is acceptable. It IS abusive to deny the kids an education or his wife to leave the house.[/quote]
What 'behaviour'? She said she was mildly prepping, which is what many countries including the US instruct their citizens to do (have a few days supplies, identify a suitable shelter). She's sent her kids to school and gone to work.

I believe the UK will have a system of emergency alerts to phones rather than external alarms/sirens.

Rosesandblossoms · 01/03/2022 12:56

@Wolfiefan, I am well aware my response to this isn’t rational. Nor is that of the OP’s husband. That was the point of my post.
Your suggestion that a GP might have the skills or available resources to help did make me smile though, so thanks for that.

Miriam101 · 01/03/2022 12:56

His response is madly disproportionate and you need to take him on over it to avoid your kids being really badly affected. There’s absolutely a need for empathy, but empathy for a man who for whatever reason is struggling to keep this frightening episode in perspective and is trying to control his children’s lives in a way that could be incredibly damaging to them.

EthelTheAardvark · 01/03/2022 12:57

I do not think it is ok to keep the kids off school but i have to respect that he is their dad and has a say in this

I hope that he has agreed to pay the fines and help the kids to make up for the work they're missing?

crispmidnightpeace · 01/03/2022 12:58

Perhaps he is crazy and being in the armed forces often contributes to that. He obviously knows things. He is worried the kids will be detained in school and you will be unable to get to them, right? If the school locked down they wouldn't let you in or anything.

Suprima · 01/03/2022 12:58

@Privateandconfidentialplease

I told the school the kids were ill.

I may give the dr a ring but they are so hard to get hold of and dp has this unshakable belief that there is very real possibility we will be nuked by Russia. I will have a think and approach it later on.

You are absolutely enabling him

This is ludicrous

Rosesandblossoms · 01/03/2022 12:59

@busyeatingbiscuits, thank you. That’s what I’m trying very hard to do…deal with the highly irrational thoughts, and carry on as normal. Not easy. Definitely in the category of ‘just about managing’ today. My heart goes out to those who aren’t, and to those, like the OP, doing their best to support them.

crispmidnightpeace · 01/03/2022 12:59

@WouldIwasShookspeared

What does he think could happen to them outside that they are protected from inside?

Do you live in a nuclear fallout shelter?

He's being irrational but fear is often irrational and a lot of people are really scared right now. He needs to think rationally about it. Say what he is afraid will happen and say why he thinks staying at home will help. I think often when people are asked to explain things like that, they realise they are not being logical

Could be more about being separated and unable to get back in physical contact with the kids. But definitely find out from him exactly what his concern is.
crispmidnightpeace · 01/03/2022 13:00

@Whattodoniw

This is purely down to mental health reasons I suspect .

Difficult for those who are fortunate enough not to suffer them, so easy to say he's ' crazy ' or ' abusive'.

Yes, the children need to go to school and I would gently suggest he has a chat with the Doctor.

Sounds like PTSD to me and my mental health is horrendous so I understand where he is coming from.

Hope all is okay 💕

I am thinking through this whole thread when did it become acceptable to just call people crazy all over the place because they are obviously having mental health issues?
JellybabyGina87 · 01/03/2022 13:01

Fucking hell. I couldn't cope with him. Move out and take the kids.

28birthdays · 01/03/2022 13:05

Except OP has said he hasn't been in a war situation and doesn't have PTSD so he's just a bog standard abusive bloke

It could be 'just' anxiety but it's clearly overwhelming him. MH problems can be bubbling under the surface for years only to surface when somebody is under alot of pressure / worry.

It's not abuse for fuck sake.

In his mind, however irrational it might be, he believes he and his family are about to die. His behaviour stems from alarm and distress not abuse.

Honestly I despair at some of the posters on MN sometimes, quick to jump to LTB and calling men abusive.

I have been in an abusive relationship, at no point during that half a decade did any of the abuse come from a place of distress or panic. Abusers know the damage they're doing, people in acute distress like this are not trying to hurt anybody. They're not calculating.

Please don't lump this poor man in with abusers.

OP - take that crap with a pinch of salt and try to get him to get some help.

SlashBeef · 01/03/2022 13:05

when did it become acceptable to just call people crazy all over the place because they are obviously having mental health issues?
About the same time it became OK for kids to be collateral damage I guess..

Octomore · 01/03/2022 13:09

It is not unheard of for men who are in this sort of mental state to annihilate their families, so there is a genuine risk to the OP and her children here.

Whether it's due to abuse or mental illness is irrelevant - she and her children need to be safe, and being locked indoors with a man who won't permit you to leave is not safe. He doesn't need to be a bad person for this to be the case.

Octomore · 01/03/2022 13:12

A similar example would be a severe alcoholic - it is entirely possible to be sympathetic towards the alcoholic and recognise that they are seriously unwell, while also acknowledging that they are not a safe person to leave children with.

lockdownhasbrokenme · 01/03/2022 13:12

Suggest you get help for him, what happens if he convinces himself that there is no way to survive and decides the best way forward is to give his family a quick merciful death rather than suffer radiation posioning.

Octomore · 01/03/2022 13:12

And the fact that the OP lied to her children's school shows that she knows this is not ok.

ravenmum · 01/03/2022 13:24

Signs or characteristics of an enabler
www.healthline.com/health/enabler#signs
#3 - covering for them or making excuses.

Gowithme · 01/03/2022 13:25

@28birthdays

Except OP has said he hasn't been in a war situation and doesn't have PTSD so he's just a bog standard abusive bloke

It could be 'just' anxiety but it's clearly overwhelming him. MH problems can be bubbling under the surface for years only to surface when somebody is under alot of pressure / worry.

It's not abuse for fuck sake.

In his mind, however irrational it might be, he believes he and his family are about to die. His behaviour stems from alarm and distress not abuse.

Honestly I despair at some of the posters on MN sometimes, quick to jump to LTB and calling men abusive.

I have been in an abusive relationship, at no point during that half a decade did any of the abuse come from a place of distress or panic. Abusers know the damage they're doing, people in acute distress like this are not trying to hurt anybody. They're not calculating.

Please don't lump this poor man in with abusers.

OP - take that crap with a pinch of salt and try to get him to get some help.

So if he locked them in the house and refused to let them leave until he considered it safe then it wouldn't be abuse because it stems from distress and panic? Abuse is often caused by fear - often the fear of being rejected/abandoned/left in a relationship for example. It's far too simplistic to say abusers always know exactly what they're doing - that's crediting them with emotional intelligence they don't always have.
Cornettoninja · 01/03/2022 13:25

It is not unheard of for men who are in this sort of mental state to annihilate their families, so there is a genuine risk to the OP and her children here

I’ve been dancing around this but it’s right that it’s spelled out clearly.

This is a particularly tense time which the OP and her husband have no control over. The mind automatically looks for things we can control.

hopeishere · 01/03/2022 13:26

Can you get him off screens? Is he mainlining news?

It does sound like a mental health crisis.

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 13:28

@EthelTheAardvark

I do not think it is ok to keep the kids off school but i have to respect that he is their dad and has a say in this

I hope that he has agreed to pay the fines and help the kids to make up for the work they're missing?

There's not going to be any fines for a day off when the school think the kids are ill and the fines are clearly not the issue here