Do some people just lack the ability to be happy?

[Quitabix]

Like me.

I'm tired of trying to be happy. I've been trying to be happy for as long as I can remember. I'm definitely not depressed.

I know all the theory...practising gratitude, avoiding comparison, finding joy in the little things, finding your purpose etc etc...and I try and try, yet none of it ever works.

My life is just me constantly asking what the point of anything is, and darkly muttering...I didn't even ask to be born whenever something even vaguely inconveniences me.

I just think life is so so pointless and all these experiences we go through...so pointless.

This is me talking after protracted episodes of philosphising and therapy and research and medication...I absolutely know I am not depressed.

For me, it's a very rational conclusion that....life is pointless. I've accepted that life is pointless and try and just enjoy it for what it is, but I just don't think I have it in me to be happy.

Does anyone else relate?

Yes my mother

Never ever seen her genuinely happy, she acts it

Manic depressive

Yes, but I’m definitely clinically depressed. Contentment is a more realistic goal than happiness, surely?

I’ve read that people have a baseline of happiness. You can deviate for while when things happen to you (when a parent dies, when you get married etc), but then you re set back to your baseline after a few months.
I think there is some validity to this theory. I think it’s true for myself.

I read somewhere that the people who are happiest find meaning in their lives. It took me ages to figure out what that meant until a longevity researcher who spoke at an event I attended said it was just ‘keeping busy’. So basically people who keep busy with their lives, find some kind of meaning or purpose to pitch their attention onto so they don’t have to think about anything else, are the happy ones.

'Happy' is a false goal, a mirage.

Aim for contented, fulfilled instead.

I am personally much happier than I used to be. Even on days when I am properly fucked off, I am basically OK now.

My baseline level of happiness is subterranean! Sigh.

Interesting thread, thanks for starting this.

I wouldn't say I am always naturally happy, I really have to put in the effort. Some days I just want to be left alone.

Yes, agree with the busyness approach. You do sound as if you’ve been doing a lot of ruminating, OP. Definitely unhelpful.

We used to say my late Dad was only happy when he was miserable, it was just how he was, ha.

Some people are just miserable and can't look for the good in life. Takes all sorts.

Everybody in life is struggling with something, perpetual happiness doesn't exist it is fleeting, along with all our other emotions.
The way l look at it is life owes me absolutely nothing, it is my sole responsibility to make something of my life, through my attitude, behaviour, actions etc, its all on me, so do l value myself and my life enough to put the effort in ?

@ufucoffee

Some people are just miserable and can't look for the good in life. Takes all sorts.

I think it's a bit more complex than that. Scientifically, a propensity for depression / mental health issues can partly be determined by genes.

(Though OP I know you said you're not depressed.)

You seem to be describing a kind of anhedonia.

I empathise with your post cos I've bought a mountain of how to be happy books. I've just always felt that I'm not quite there. I'd be happy with 'content' though as others have said.

Still working on it - and sadly, not found that one book that helps me crack it yet.

As the years go by, I do wonder how much of it (in my case at least) is shaped by a combo of my genes and early life. I just wish I could know that one day the 'flat feeling' would lift. I do envy the relentlessly chirpy

This is why I find daoism helpful. I listen on you tube talks about being like water. Going with the flow. A state of being not doing. Of course we all have things to do each day but it is about a state of fully being in the moment and not living in our head.

Personally I find it very helpful. Though it is very early days looking into it.

Happiness is not sustainable. Contentment is.

Daoism sounds really interesting @Lightning020 - I might look that up.

Interesting topic. My nearly 18 yo is having last year at school stress and at the same time they are studying existentialism - not a good mix. She is filled with questions about what's the point in all and I struggle to know what to say.

I don't think there are many of us that go round filled with joy all the time - it's probably one of those media illusions. But on the other hand I certainly can tell the difference between being genuinely UNHAPPY and not. Even if stressed. If it is all pointless then to me it's stupid to worry about it. Taking pleasure in the small things is probably a biggy and trying to fill your life with as many positive things as you can. Coffee and gossip with a friend, clean sheets, hanging washing out on a sunny day, reading a good book, laughing with your kids, snuggling up for a movie, Friday wine and takeaway sort of stuff.

I love travelling and Covid has hit that hard. I have loads of dream trips on the go and if I feel down I go and do some googling for local and far away places. I will never get round to them all but it gives me a positive focus.

Yes it isnt prescriptive just soothing and helpful.

Helps existing.

What is your definition of being happy? Are you talking about feeling content with your life?

I tend to think of happiness as being a fleeting feeling just like sadness, excitement, fear, etc. I mean, if you asked me overall am I happy with my life, yes, I generally am, but that doesn't mean I'm basking in the feeling of happiness all the time.

Wonderful thread

Never feel happy, rarely feel, if that makes sense

Really relate and definitely a glass half empty

Came from my parents, trying to work on it and find what the point is

Definitely worse now I am peri meno

I agree with the busyness idea. It’s dismissed as an avoidance strategy sometimes which I think is unfair. I see ‘keeping busy’ as a useful coping strategy that can, if you’re lucky, develop into something very positive and meaningful in its own right. Obviously depending on what you keep busy with- needs to be something not unhealthy for you, that you really care about. Volunteering or helping others in whatever way is a good example which seems to help quite a few people feel good about doing those things.

Absolutely agree with this. My friend self perpetuates her misery. I think she has depression in all fairness but she doesn't help herself in situations that could be improved

Thanks for all the replies so far. I don't think I ever expect to be walking around in a state of permanent happiness, but yes, even contentdness feels out of my reach.

It really does feel like there is some intrinsic to my psyche which makes attaining this impossible. Like, maybe I just don't have the capacity for it.

I pretty much exist in a perpetual existential crisis.

I do try to keep busy, and try to avoid rumination as I know it will yield nothing, but still, that pervasive sense of 'urgh, why am I even here' is forever present.

It's interesting because I used to be a miserable sod but all thew things you say you tried work for me.
Life is pointless. Our job is to give it purpose. It doesn't have any intrinsic purpose . It's up to us to create it. But there doesn't have to be any pressure in that. It can be a life's purpose just to lounge around watching daytime TV and cuddling the dog, if that satisfies someone. It's no one's business but ours what we do with our lives. The only caveat is: if you have children they are your purpose, so look after them properly with love. Apart from that, anything goes.

Knowing that life is pointless is something that makes me happy and you sad. To me, it's like saying: it's a blank slate, fill it as you please. But you say to you the filling of it also seems pointless. I have felt that way when depressed, but you say you're not depressed.
Can you think of anything at all, at any point in your life that brought you happiness or fulfilment or a feeling of self satisfaction and self worth? What were these things?

I don't think people lack the ability to be happy, but perhaps they're unable to do the things that would make them happy

For example people who feel bored or meaningless in a particular town or job but don't feel able to make a big move

OP you mention the things you've done to try to think yourself happy (therapy, philosophising) but IME long term unhappiness only ends when you actually make big changes in your life. New location, new job, new relationships etc.

Can you ask the question 'Why am I even here' neutrally? Without the emotional frustration, just as a philosophical question devoid of emotion? It's an interesting question. It doesn't have to be loaded with disgust and frustration and sadness.

Sometimes being a light for someone else is out purpose. Go and help someone if you are feeling like this and forget about yourself. That’s what I would do anyway. All the best.