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Original poster

Do some people just lack the ability to be happy?

154 replies

Quitabix · 22/02/2022 20:57

Like me.

I'm tired of trying to be happy. I've been trying to be happy for as long as I can remember. I'm definitely not depressed.

I know all the theory...practising gratitude, avoiding comparison, finding joy in the little things, finding your purpose etc etc...and I try and try, yet none of it ever works.

My life is just me constantly asking what the point of anything is, and darkly muttering...I didn't even ask to be born whenever something even vaguely inconveniences me.

I just think life is so so pointless and all these experiences we go through...so pointless.

This is me talking after protracted episodes of philosphising and therapy and research and medication...I absolutely know I am not depressed.

For me, it's a very rational conclusion that....life is pointless. I've accepted that life is pointless and try and just enjoy it for what it is, but I just don't think I have it in me to be happy.

Does anyone else relate?

OP posts:
wingscrow · 22/02/2022 22:26

Some people choose to be miserable...

I had parents like that. On paper they had so much going for them (no money trouble, lovely house, car, lived in a safe area, reasonably good health and long life). Yet they were never happy about anything and spent their time dragging other people down and creating conflict. I think because they were really superficial people who somehow were just angry at the world, wallowing in self-create misery and never bothered to find a purpose in life and stop to count their many blessings.

No one can be happy all the time and most of us will experience hardship, but you can choose to keep a positive mindset.

You can actually 'work' at being happy. Nobody else is going to do that for you and the universe does not owe you happiness...

newcarnewhouse · 22/02/2022 22:31

I could have wrote your post op @Quitabix Sad

gingerhills · 22/02/2022 22:33

I do think a whole generation has been pushed to be happy 24/7, as though no other emotion is valid. The relentless pursuit of non-stop joy is exhausting. It's OK to be pissed off, grumpy, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, bitter, sarcastic, worried etc some of the time, as long as we're also capable of feeling happy, comfortable, peaceful, elated, proud, confident, satisfied, in awe, inspired, playful, creative, energised, purposeful, entusiastic some of the time too.

Maybe allowing for life to be OK and steady as a baseline emotion would help. I get pleasure from very small every day stuff like making good coffee, feeding the birds, watching a bunch of cheap daffodils open up, putting on my favourite music to cook to, playing with the cat etc. I can;t pretend these things make me go: Wow, this is why I'm here. My purpose! But I do just think: yeah, nice coffee, soft cat, pretty flowers.

CharmingScene · 22/02/2022 22:33

@wingscrow

Some people choose to be miserable...

I had parents like that. On paper they had so much going for them (no money trouble, lovely house, car, lived in a safe area, reasonably good health and long life). Yet they were never happy about anything and spent their time dragging other people down and creating conflict. I think because they were really superficial people who somehow were just angry at the world, wallowing in self-create misery and never bothered to find a purpose in life and stop to count their many blessings.

No one can be happy all the time and most of us will experience hardship, but you can choose to keep a positive mindset.

You can actually 'work' at being happy. Nobody else is going to do that for you and the universe does not owe you happiness...

I think the OP has said she has tried to work at her happiness though.

It's the trying and yet persistent flatness despite that.

(In my case, I cringe when I think how many self-help books on being happy I've bought over the years. I've definitely tried.....)

SuddenArborealStop · 22/02/2022 22:37

I relate entirely and I pray my kids don't inherit this propensity.

For example if I dream about winning the lotto I know it would make life easier obviously, but I also know that not having to earn money will take away a large occupation of my time and thought.

Without that I think I'll just be miserable with my own thoughts for company. I lack imagination to fill my time effectively in a fulfilling way.

I do think years of bullying early in my life has thought me to suppress joy to some extent. Any sign of weakness would be jumped on. Unfortunately I can hide joy from myself as well as others.

suggestionsplease1 · 22/02/2022 22:37

There's a saying, I can't quite recall exactly but it's along the lines of...you won't find happiness by aiming straight at it, it comes in round about ways.

I would focus on your relationships and friendships, nurturing these usually brings happiness as a side-effect.

CharmingScene · 22/02/2022 22:37

That said, I've just gone onto the 'what songs give you the rage' thread and it's given me a good chuckle. It's not all doom and gloom Smile

ToooOldForThis · 22/02/2022 22:42

I was given a podcast recommendation, it's called How to Build A Happy life....haven't finished it, but there's been some thought provoking bits. It's American, but quite pragmatic

Zilla1 · 22/02/2022 22:44

It may be you have gone through rigorous assessment but why are you so certain you are not depressed? Are you sure what you consider depression is the same as any clinical diagnosis?

StopStartStop · 22/02/2022 22:44

I had shitloads of therapy. I was depressed for 60 years, now I'm happy every day.

Get therapy!

CharmingScene · 22/02/2022 22:47

@StopStartStop

I had shitloads of therapy. I was depressed for 60 years, now I'm happy every day.

Get therapy!

This is encouraging @StopStartStop! Please feel free to PM me your therapist.
stayathomer · 22/02/2022 22:48

In relationto some theories above, I'm a happy person, BUT I haven't had some of the stuff some people have had happen to them so I dont know how I would have been had I for example been abandoned as a baby or grown up in an abusive house. All the bad things that have happened to me I've had support and love around me. Saying that I've found health issues and not seeing my family have definitely lowered the happiness levels, which makes me wonder if secretly I'm a negative person who's just been lucky in life!!!

CharmingScene · 22/02/2022 22:48

That sounds like I'm joking, which I sort of was, although I'm actually not...

blueshoes · 22/02/2022 22:51

'Happiness', whatever that means, is not within. It comes from outside. This navel gazing goes nowhere and is tedious. Do stuff, yes, keep busy. Help others. That way, you forget about yourself and find meaning.

Or even if you don't find meaning, just do do do.

Self actualisation comes from service to others. Otherwise, what IS the point of being on earth Hmm

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/02/2022 22:52

It's hard at the moment, OP. So many events happening in the world which bring people stress and misery. It just really brings the "is this it?" question to the fore. If you're anywhere near my age (rapidly approaching 50) you've got the added issue of messed-up hormones, very apparent ageing in oneself and one's parents, possibly teenaged children going through stressful things like A-levels and uni applications.

I feel like I've had the best period of my life and that it's just downhill from here really. I would like to think that my teens are entering the same exciting, happy and fulfilling 20s that I experienced as that would bring me pleasure. But instead all I can see is that life is just worse for them than it was for me at that age and that just brings me worry and disappointment for them! Job shortages, unaffordable housing, awful energy and food increases, bloody Putin. DS was supposed to have his driving test today, we were all geared up for what should have been (hopefully!) a positive achievement for him, something to celebrate. But it got bloody cancelled this morning by DVLA and rescheduled to the end of March as the examiner wasn't available! The storm stopped us going to a uni offer holder's day at the weekend. It just seems like the little steps forward that the kids should be having at their stage in life are thwarted.

The pandemic has just generally been SHIT for happiness possibilities even if you were lucky enough to not be affected health-wise. eg travel, particularly just feeling some proper sunshine on your body and feeling relaxed and carefree, maybe paddling on a beach.

Instead, we are snatching small moments of happiness. eg being "present" in the moment while wandering round the garden looking at how the plants are changing, listening to the birds, enjoying a glimpse of blue sky.

Luckyelephant1 · 22/02/2022 23:00

I really feel you OP and I'm sort of the same. It's not even that I'm UNhappy, as I am truly grateful for the good things in my life (great husband, beautiful baby, decent house etc). But I'm just not that happy or content, and I too always find myself thinking what is the point of all this? Why am I here? Why am I getting stressed about work or housework or what's for dinner etc when none of it really matters!

I know I'm not depressed either, but I also think I'm so cynical that therapy wouldn't work on me. Like I know I'd go in with a negative approach ready to roll my eyes at all the mumbo jumbo CBT or whatever approach. I roll my eyes at so much of this self improvement stuff- not because I don't believe in it per se but because I just don't think it will work on me as I think I will just always be a fundamentally negative person.

I've recently tried to start getting into inspirational podcasts such as Diary of a CEO. Granted I've only listened to the first two episodes so maybe it will get better, but as much as I respect the guy and what he's achieved I still just end up rolling my eyes at it because so far it all just sounds like a bunch of inspirational clichéd quotes you see on social media.

I don't know why I'm such a miserable cow!

jackfrosttoes · 22/02/2022 23:02

I can relate - I try not to think about the pointlessness of it all, and concentrate on doing things I enjoy, things I have to do and not ruminating.

I agree some of your happiness potential is predetermined by genetic factors, childhood experiences, and life choices.

FinallyHere · 22/02/2022 23:08

For me, it's a very rational conclusion that....life is pointless.

I agree that life is pointless. For me, this is exhilarating. I get to make it whatever I want, there is nothing I have to do, I can do anything.

But then, people have been known to complain about my relentless cheerfulness on a Monday morning.

My mother was also a relentlessly happy sort of person. Towards the end of her life, I finally understood that this was her choice , rather than a consequence of her situation.

Bananawings · 22/02/2022 23:11

I think you are bound to fail if you ^aim^ for happiness.

I was raised to believe that life was a test with many challenges and so it has proved to be. If you don't expect to be happy, then you are not disappointed I suppose but appreciate it when you are.

As Winston Churchill said,

" We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give"

I also think it helps if your parents model how to be grateful and know how to celebrate the good moments.

lisaandalan · 22/02/2022 23:14

Yes. X some people always see their glass as half empty, rather than half full. X

Sweetlikejollof · 22/02/2022 23:17

I think you’d enjoy reading some philosophy. Goes very well with muttering darkly. Nihilism, existentialism, a sprinkle of the logical positivists.

It’s great fun, if you’re a particular kind of person (and I strongly suspect that you are) and you’d probably get more satisfaction from it than an MN thread, on this particular topic.

Notgettingbetter · 22/02/2022 23:20

I am depressed. Severe, clinical depression. For about a year now. I've had depression before but this is the worst it's ever been. I've always been quite negative - pessimistic, glass half empty kind of person - but I used to also be able to enjoy lots of little things. Now I don't really enjoy anything. Life has never felt more pointless. My daughter is my purpose and she is the reason I carry on. I just hope to fuck she doesn't end up like me.

johndglynn · 22/02/2022 23:32

@Ozanj

I read somewhere that the people who are happiest find meaning in their lives. It took me ages to figure out what that meant until a longevity researcher who spoke at an event I attended said it was just ‘keeping busy’. So basically people who keep busy with their lives, find some kind of meaning or purpose to pitch their attention onto so they don’t have to think about anything else, are the happy ones.
Recently listened to a great audiobook on YouTube about the Japanese practice known as Ikigai, which is basically as you describe: finding this purpose in a regular state of flow and integrating it into a broader sense of community and longevity with the aim of feeling connected to others. OP could maybe check that out.

Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life g.co/kgs/kVVM5G

Pixiedust1234 · 22/02/2022 23:33

Interesting thread. I look outside of myself for contentment. As a pp said, look to nature. A Robin flitting in the undergrowth, the first snowdrop always brings a smile to my face. Then, bang! Something inside me hits the floor and it's all gone. No idea what causes it but it only takes seconds from that smile and lasts for ages afterwards.

Pyewhacket · 22/02/2022 23:35

The Labour Party are institutionally miserable. They've spent years perfecting the science of gloom. If one of them ever came up with a positive thought the rest would froth at the mouth and fall over backwards demanding Thatcher be dug-up and put on trial.