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Do some people just lack the ability to be happy?

154 replies

Quitabix · 22/02/2022 20:57

Like me.

I'm tired of trying to be happy. I've been trying to be happy for as long as I can remember. I'm definitely not depressed.

I know all the theory...practising gratitude, avoiding comparison, finding joy in the little things, finding your purpose etc etc...and I try and try, yet none of it ever works.

My life is just me constantly asking what the point of anything is, and darkly muttering...I didn't even ask to be born whenever something even vaguely inconveniences me.

I just think life is so so pointless and all these experiences we go through...so pointless.

This is me talking after protracted episodes of philosphising and therapy and research and medication...I absolutely know I am not depressed.

For me, it's a very rational conclusion that....life is pointless. I've accepted that life is pointless and try and just enjoy it for what it is, but I just don't think I have it in me to be happy.

Does anyone else relate?

OP posts:
OneSwallow · 22/02/2022 23:39

@StopStartStop

I had shitloads of therapy. I was depressed for 60 years, now I'm happy every day.

Get therapy!

Please PM me your therapist too!!
OneSwallow · 22/02/2022 23:44

This expectation we all have that we are somehow failing if we aren’t happy most of the time is a new one for society. People used to just get through life as stoically as they could. Having food on the table and a roof over their heads was reason enough to not to complain.
The notion of having all the material stuff we have now, all the home comforts and financial security would be a cause for amazement for most people 100 years ago. Just keeping out of the workhouse and keeping alive would have been enough for many of them.
We are so fortunate yet it’s not making us happier really.
I think the secret to happiness is not expecting to be happy.
Many people in the past looked to religion for reasons to go on. Basically, the rewards were to be had in heaven, not on earth.

SoFriendless · 22/02/2022 23:48

I feel like this completely. Life is so pointless, everything is so boring and it’s an endless drudge.

Sometimes there’s a little spark that says if it’s pointless then nothing matters so you might as well enjoy it. And then I remember that I have to work to live and I hate working with every fibre of my being. Then I’m back at the beginning again.

I’m in therapy now. Fingers crossed!

Couchbettato · 22/02/2022 23:52

Life absolutely is pointless and that's the beauty of it.

We're not here to be subservient, we're not part of a divine plan, the world will keep turning whether we're here or not.

So, seen as there's no point to it all, why not just live? Like, not just survive, but LIVE.

Change your priorities, find a job that allows you to make an income, and gives you the time to explore things that you want out of life.

Make a plan for your goals because without a plan you won't get any where.

gazh63 · 22/02/2022 23:54

just do things u enjoy?? Grin

Bananawings · 23/02/2022 00:01

I can't subscribe to the view that life is utterly pointless. We are not all Einstein or Mary Wollstonecraft but we all influence one another in various ways large or small whether it's intentional or not, or whether we are aware of it or not.

OverTheRubicon · 23/02/2022 00:14

It's one of the cruellest things about depression is that it not only makes you unhappy, it convinces you that this is actually how you are, how the world is, and stops you from making life changes that would actually improve your mood.

You mention gratitude journals, have you taken physical steps to change? Medication, diet
change (not dieting, but simple changes like swapping some processed snacks for fruits and veg, for example), exercise, and volunteering all have pretty good rates of success, though it can be hard to get started when you're feeling low.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 23/02/2022 03:11

That sounds a bit like stoicism.

If that is your outlook, i.e. it is all pointless....logically that doesn't negate being happy.

You can accept it's all pointless and decide to be happy anyway. In fact its easier.

I have very little problem being happy but I do think there are a few fundamentals that are needed - about 4 or 5.

Connection to others, I mean real meaningful connection. I have a handful of people whose lives I am meaningfully entwined with. I would drop a lot of things for them. I like hearing their mundane every day shit. They don't irritate me.

Something to do. Kind of irrelevant what, but something interesting, a bit of challenge.

Food, sleep, warm and safe home to be grateful for.

I actually think relationships are the most important one though.

ExhaustedMumma · 23/02/2022 03:24

@Pyewhacket

The Labour Party are institutionally miserable. They've spent years perfecting the science of gloom. If one of them ever came up with a positive thought the rest would froth at the mouth and fall over backwards demanding Thatcher be dug-up and put on trial.
I love how a thread about happiness can become a labour bashing thread. Any excuse. Hmm
HelloPudding · 23/02/2022 05:21

Looking inwards has never really helped me, but looking outwards and doing small things - like shoving my face in the coffee jar in the morning and taking a deep breath, patting the neighbour's cat when he comes into my garden in the morning (he's a very soft wee boy), or looking at the light through a red maple tree - these little things can make me feel, not happy maybe, but content? As @gingerhills said upthread, these things don't make you go wow or give your life a purpose, but it's a little moment of 'well, this is ok.'

Years ago, I was flicking through a magazine and one of the rooms pictured had a collection of 'inspirational words' in curly writing. I misread them as 'Lose Hope Relax' and laughed. For me, that kind of works.

Partyintheusa2012 · 23/02/2022 05:30

Some people are just more negative than others.

I had a bit of a shitty childhood, ended up with PND, have an auto immune disease and am now in premature menopause.

But, I'm pretty content. I think I'm just generally wired that way. I get very stressed like everyone else, but I'm satisfied with the majority of my life.

I am not religious but believe in karma and things happening for a reason.

My 8 year old son is quite a negative person. Has been since the day he was born. He complains constantly and always finds the bad in everything.

He will complain the entire time on a day out, drive me up the wall, then at bedtime announce that he had a great day and wants to go again 🤦‍♀️

DH and I work really hard with him, trying to get him to shift his perspective, but he actually seems "happier" when he's moaning and complaining.

It's hard to watch as the negativity means his life weighs very heavily on his shoulders, despite being incredibly privileged.

I've begun to accept that he just is a glass half empty person, and roll my eyes when he's not looking.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 23/02/2022 05:54

I don't think I have the ability. My DP is the same. We're both negative and really don't see the point in life at all. I'd rather not exist and have always felt that way. I did have a tough childhood but my brother seems to have come through much more unscathed. He seems genuinely happy (he can be a bit grumpy though).
I think it's just how some people are wired and although I've tried to change my attitude, I don't seem able to.

BigGreen · 23/02/2022 06:59

I think I started to lose that 'what's the point' when I started thinking about the environment. We're animals in a network of pretty amazing global earth systems. The whole idea of a 'point' is very human. Agree with others that a switch to being and making meaning from experiencing has been v helpful.

SnakeLinguine · 23/02/2022 07:07

@dreamingbohemian

I don't think people lack the ability to be happy, but perhaps they're unable to do the things that would make them happy

For example people who feel bored or meaningless in a particular town or job but don't feel able to make a big move

OP you mention the things you've done to try to think yourself happy (therapy, philosophising) but IME long term unhappiness only ends when you actually make big changes in your life. New location, new job, new relationships etc.

That is what a was going to say. OP, have you made significant changes in your life to see whether they increase your happiness? I get rather impatient with the Mn view on moving countries being pointless because you always have to work and pay bills — I moved countries in early 2020 and despite a lot of stress since, it has definitely made me happier.
Ecosralayce · 23/02/2022 07:25

try reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Very interesting and I found it really helpful.

ClariceQuiff · 23/02/2022 07:34

Yes, I'm rarely happy - when I am it's quite fleeting. I feel happy perhaps two or three times a year, for a few hours at most.

The rest of the time I feel anxious or depressed. My usual state is worrying about something and generally feeling uncomfortable. If I manage to stifle one worry, another one pops up, like whack-a-mole.

Ibizan · 23/02/2022 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leavingtime · 23/02/2022 11:54

The life humans have is about progressing. We may be progressing into disaster but it's still us moving forward, staying put is not going to find any form of satisfaction. Life is changing anyway, and we are changing every day even if our lives seen banal and ordinary. Just by getting up every day, eating and drinking to survive we are moving forward.

Therefore, even if you don't find the cure for cancer or become a president, everything you do has an impact somewhere even in ordinary lives. But something you did or said at one time may have stuck with someone and changed their thinking/life, if you decorate your home, if you improve your garden, if you work every day, if you have a child, if you buy goods so the provider can then look after his family....you are making an impact, changing the world in minute ways..

Feeding the birds, caring for a dog/cat, planting a tree, cooking a meal for a friend, looking after yourself with a walk/bike ride/swim/gym session/dance...all give satisfaction and an appreciation for nature, others, life. It may not make you 'happy' but surely a degree of contentment and a feeling of being alive/of use.

Therefore contentment is in the small things, not necessarily the cruises, expensive shoes, flash cars etc...all of which help but are fleeting and not of the every day.

If comparison of others deflates you, then compare with those who are very sick, starving, homeless, cold, brutalised, terrified, with no where to turn and with no one .

I also think motivation has a part to play here. I'm motivated...to make the most of every day, find something to do, somewhere to go, move, have ideas etc, even if it's just enjoying reading a book. I know someone who sadly isn't, it's maybe not her fault it could be genes inherited [it's not her past, mine has been dire at times, really]...but she moans and never changes anything despite being more than capable of doing so and having the funds. It's constant, and the years go on......I think motivation and the satisfaction that it brings is also about one's attitude. And we can work at changing those.

I started life as a happy baby, a happy child [ok so I was maybe lucky, but the circumstances were pretty awful at the time, of course i didn't know that, I was shielded from it]...and that is my start off point. Since then I have been very unhappy at times, for long periods. I've had to do a lot of work on myself. I now get rid of what does not suit who I am, I do not do things I don't want to, that make me unhappy, I do not see people who have hurt me badly. I clear it all out if and when it happens. I'm now left with myself, live alone and I am content. It's how I felt as a child, before the world kicked in and said I had to do and say and go where I wasn't comfortable. Chasing happiness doesn't work. Just be who you really are and enjoy what you need to do. We are lucky to have a chance to change our lives every day.

ChillyAvocado · 23/02/2022 12:41

Yes my mother.

She goes on and on about how bad her life is, blames others, falls out with everyone and has never done anything to help herself.

She has depression and I’m wondering if she has some kind of personality disorder too.

I’m struggling to feel happy in my life now, although not as bad as my mum, I rarely feel really happy…just quite neutral. I make a conscious effort to try and be a glass half full person. I often wonder if it’s genetics or learnt behaviour.

SparklingLime · 23/02/2022 12:42

That’s an amazing post, @ibezan. Can you possibly point me in the direction of more of that approach? Are you a therapist?

bumblingbovine49 · 23/02/2022 12:44

I absolutely feel exactly the same op. I have short periods whee I feel happy/ content but the vast majority of my time I am not at all content. I am 57 now and had so much therapy and treatment for depression it is not worth listing. I am still basically quite unhappy most of the time though

SparklingLime · 23/02/2022 12:49

@SparklingLime

That’s an amazing post, *@ibezan*. Can you possibly point me in the direction of more of that approach? Are you a therapist?
Oops, sorry, I meant @Ibizan.
Porfre · 23/02/2022 12:49

To that I say Fuck it.

I am happy , but it doesn't mean I have to go around with an inane grin on my face.

Just because I'm not grinning like an idiot dpesnt mean I'm not happy or content. And in between I can have times when I'm not happy, ot dpesnt mean my life is shit just because I'm not happy 24/7.

Also I'm not sure why you keep striving to " be happy".

I'm just busy- being happy or trying to be happy doesnt take up much of my brain space.

HorrocksToThem · 23/02/2022 12:55

I find that the more time I spend trying to be happy the less happy I feel. The more I analyse my life, the less satisfied I am with it. Best (for me) to just keep going, keep busy, and if I get happy moments I savour them.

Unmumsymofo · 23/02/2022 12:56

If it makes you feel better, intelligence and depression are linked. A LOT of seemingly happy people are just thick tbh. (I said a lot not all before I get flamed lol). Honestly the state of the world it’s no wonder it’s a struggle to be happy sometimes. I can be happy in the moment but am often a bit flat, but i think that’s fairly normal and it’s a myth people are always happy. I agree purpose and fulfilment are more meaningful goals

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