Do some people just lack the ability to be happy?

[Quitabix]

Like me.

I'm tired of trying to be happy. I've been trying to be happy for as long as I can remember. I'm definitely not depressed.

I know all the theory...practising gratitude, avoiding comparison, finding joy in the little things, finding your purpose etc etc...and I try and try, yet none of it ever works.

My life is just me constantly asking what the point of anything is, and darkly muttering...I didn't even ask to be born whenever something even vaguely inconveniences me.

I just think life is so so pointless and all these experiences we go through...so pointless.

This is me talking after protracted episodes of philosphising and therapy and research and medication...I absolutely know I am not depressed.

For me, it's a very rational conclusion that....life is pointless. I've accepted that life is pointless and try and just enjoy it for what it is, but I just don't think I have it in me to be happy.

Does anyone else relate?

@lljkk

what the point of anything is

finding a purpose is definitely the key to contentment.

People can get thru hell if they they find a purpose.

I have one friend, I keep trying to inspire her to find a purpose, but the only purpose she can imagine being worthwhile is having a man in her life -- as long as no man, she can't be more than very transient happy. Everything makes her furious and sad.

I dunno... is she choosing or is she truly unable to choose otherwise, that her happiness depends on only one possible thing.

I know someone like this. Yet she won’t ever meet anyone because she doesn’t go anywhere. She seems completely incapable of doing anything alone.

@lilkiki

It’s weird because I relate to yojr post a lot, but not for the same reasons I had quite a horrible upbringing and am now really quite chirpy (I prob don’t seem like it on here ha ha!) I laugh loads; I make people laugh. I love summer and flowers and hugs and cosy blankets and blah blah Have loads of friends

But there like an emptiness all of the time
It’s like being thirsty but no matter how much you drink you’re still thirsty?
I have also tho fight about the lottery dream. I don’t even care about winning it now, since I realised that I’d still feel the same just have millions more. Well ok, I’m still me tho aren’t I

Therapy never worked. Mostly because I objectively understand my situation, triggers, behaviours etc
But I’m still like… empty

It’s hard to explain
I am overall quite “happy”
I am happy on payday, I am happy when I see friends, I am happy when I am out and about and being useful etc etc

But there’s still an emptiness and I don’t think it’ll ever go away. Even with all the “self love blah blah blah” and “practice gratitude rah de rah”
And that makes me feel so utterly sad
I’m generally very positive about life. But you know, I just feel like, being satisfie and content etc is not meant for me
Like I own the house but never had a key to that room but I see everyone else go in and out of it with total ease
It’s very dejecting

I think having a horrible upbringing often has this effect. It’s like there is a missing piece of the puzzle which will never be found. Not having a supportive, loving home and unconditional love in my view causes damage that can never be rectified. Talking it through only does any good if you don’t understand yourself and your responses. I understand why I am the way I am. Talking about it doesn’t help me. What I feel empty about is never having had those positive early experiences . So I understand exactly what you mean.

Such an interesting thread 🙂

Thanks for all the responses on this thread! So many thoughtful/thought-provoking posts. Lots to be ponder.
To address a few points.

I am very busy. My work and social life keep me busy. I enjoy my job as much as I expect I can in that, even though I may not enjoy it, I would enjoy any other job even less, if that makes sense.

I don't spend a lot of time navel-gazing. I do try and focus a lot of my attention outwards, focus on helping people, on fostering my relationships.

I do not feel entitled to happiness or perpertual contentment, but surely it's understandable to crave/want it?

My mental landscape is constantly flat and interjected by fleeting moments of joy. But even the joy is underlied by the knowledge that the flatness lurks just behind it.

I've always thought that I could be standing on a beautiful, remote beach, surrounded by loved ones, with lots of money in the bank(insert other dream situation of choice) and if someone said...I give you the choice to never have existed, I would say yes. Because I know the flatness is waiting for me.

I don't know if this makes any sense?

Either way, thanks again for all the responses. I will be going through them and taking what I can from them.

I think happy is probably a poor bar. Something more like cpntended, or "well" is a much better sense of what is realistic. And of course no one is that way all the time.

That being said I think that it's very difficult to have any real contentedness or happiness if you don't have a sense of meaning. And I don't think being busy cuts it - if you have no sense of meaning, being busy can hide that, but it doesn't really remedy it. It tends to lead to a lot of seeking after distraction to keep up the wall.

I completely agree about the importance of meaning. In the past my life has meaning but it doesn’t anymore. The question is, how do you find meaning in life?
I genuinely don’t feel my life has any purpose .

I don’t feel as tho life has purpose either

I became quite spiritual/religious in recent years. Believing that there was a meaning and a purpose and the suffering was for something. I always believed that you live the life you deserve.

Then I kinda realised that well, I don’t have anything? So either I don’t deserve happiness or contentedness and maybe god just doesn’t like me very much or that actually it’s all bullshit.

I appreciate that I am healthy, tbat I now earn ok money and can pay bills, I am warm, I have friends and hobbies and all that jazz. But meh, there’s no meaning to it. My life doesn’t mean anything.

I have found that people say things like, oh being helpful is meaning. Helping others brings meaning? Ok so I was born purely to prop up other people? That doesn’t seem all that fair really in the grand scheme of things.

Or that you’re somehow victim blamed. You’re not positive enough, don’t love yourself enough, you’re not grateful - I mean you could be living in Syria so be thankful and yadda yadda yadda yadda
It’s like, ok but, I do try very very hard to be content and still I am not? What more can I do, oh oracle of joy? Pray tell how I should seek therapy and learn to appreciate tbe little things and that it’s actually all my fault that I am faulty and broken. That will sure improve my mood.

Sorry for the rant. This whole thread is just a bit too on tbe nose for me these days.

I don’t believe there’s a point to life but if there is it’s definitely subjective. I don’t think there needs to be a point though. It’s ok to just be.

My happiness comes in little burst. They can last seconds, minutes or hours. I can marvel at the kitchen looking lovely in the morning sun & then walk into another room & internally rage about something that happened years ago.

I’m not depressed either. I’m sure of that. I think the recent focus on mental health has been good in some ways but not in others. Now everyone is self diagnosing or diagnosing others.
I don’t think life has a point and I’m ok with that so I think that makes me content. I’m just here with no particular purpose and that’s fine.

To add, I know people who are very toxic with their happiness. Everything has to be positive and they have fully taken on the ‘only good vibes’ mantra. Proclaiming your happiness and lust for life from every corner is very cool at the moment but very likely BS.
A permanent orgasm surely would be uncomfortable just as perpetual elation.

Reading your responses makes me think that you do have some form of low-level depression.

Many, many people go undiagnosed because they think depression is "worse" than just constant low mood.

I used to feel the way you feel - eventually I got myself some help (medication) and I felt so different. I quit my job and started a business and I've never looked back.

I read some of the stuff I used to write and I cringe at how miserable and low I sounded. But I thought it was normal or cool to be all cynical - in reality I was depressed and had no real motivation so it was easier to take the piss out of anyone happy and cheerful than it was to actually address my own issues.

I now see other people behave how I behaved and I cringe at the thought of it.

I am content with moments of happiness or sadness depending on what life throws at me.

I don't have a purpose or see any point to life apart from making it the best I can and that makes me feel content.

The ‘point’ is to reproduce and raise our young. That’s why we’re here…to ensure the continuation of the species. If we can find personal contentment along the way that’s a bonus…but essentially once our young are independent and reproducing themselves, we can shuffle off.

I guess it’s what you make it. Good luck. Xx

The ‘point’ is to reproduce and raise our young. That’s why we’re here…to ensure the continuation of the species. If we can find personal contentment along the way that’s a bonus…but essentially once our young are independent and reproducing themselves, we can shuffle off.

Must have missed that memo as being childfree I have 'no point to life' 😆

I read that Charlie Brooker piece and it slightly baffled me. Why does there have to be a point to life. And if he feels the lack of one, what sort of thing does he think would be worthy of being the point?

Biologically, @Pictish is right. That's the point. Beyond the urge to reproduce our own species, the rest is fair game - up to us. We make our own point. I sort of think that is the point. We're dumped here, not through choice. no choice of parents or early circumstances. And then we get to adulthood and the rest is up to us.We're not often in full control of our circumstances but how we choose to react to them and act on them is up to us.

I meant we're not often in full control of our circumstances.

There’s no particular point to me or my kids either. We’re just part of the ongoing process. Don’t take it personally.

Interesting. I'm annoyingly happy, so is my sister.

But my mum is always looking for the dark, the anger, the injustice, the suffering. It feeds something in her. Makes her feel valid in a way. I've never understood it. She has an ostensibly rich and interesting life, with a happy family all living nearby.

But she is utterly determined to be as sad or angry as daily circumstances allow. It's something within her and it will never change.

Yes my brother is like this. No matter what he achieves in life he always harks back to the time he was unhappy and depressed and it shadows his whole life. He’s always depressed about something. It’s hard to be around! I do think some people just have a naturally downbeat nature, it may be genetic/familial - are any of your family like this OP?

But btw I don’t think being happy should be a goal in life, how about experiencing and accepting all emotions.

My husband is very similar. Finds little joy in anything, always seems to be looking for the negatives to pick holes in. He’s generally pissed off and often angry about things but does nothing to alleviate his irritation and pessimism except harp on at me.
I’m leaving him soon. One life.

Btw studies on happiness and contentment show that doing things for others brings the greatest and deepest happiness, so maybe try doing more community/outreach stuff. Just a suggestion if you would enjoy that kind of thing.

pictish
That is one of the most comforting things I have ever read.

That was in response to you 8:29 post

I’m not sure that doing things for other people does make you feel better. I always thought that being helpful to others would bring meaning but now I look back on my life and see that I have lived a life of thankless servitude. I wish I’d been more selfish when I was younger and not tried so hard to be a good person.

@MorrisZapp

Interesting. I'm annoyingly happy, so is my sister.

But my mum is always looking for the dark, the anger, the injustice, the suffering. It feeds something in her. Makes her feel valid in a way. I've never understood it. She has an ostensibly rich and interesting life, with a happy family all living nearby.

But she is utterly determined to be as sad or angry as daily circumstances allow. It's something within her and it will never change.

I’ve realised in adult life that my mother is someone who thinks of herself as unlucky and unfortunate and while she worries incessantly about things going wrong, she’s actually weirdly reassured when they happen — she certainly prefers her children when they fail, I think because that’s how she sees life narrative. ‘News’ = ‘bad things happening’ for her. She worries like someone picking at the sleeve of an old jumper to unravel it. She’s had so many opportunities to live a richer life, but she refuses to take them, because they’re not what she knows. And I’m wary of the idea that happiness comes from helping people — in her case it’s more messy and complex. She surrounds herself with people who are unwell, poor, troubled etc, because it makes her feel needed and puts her up close to lives reassuringly worse than hers. It’s partly a power thing.

I’ve had to put in a lot of work to move away from those scripts.

This is a really interesting thread.

I was a naturally happy, enthusiastic and playful person up until a few years ago. Everything in my life always seemed to work out well and I'd been very lucky in life with a lot of the important things - great childhood, great parents, careers, family, money, children, health, looks, friends etc I was conscious that I was happy and content but I was also aware that my happiness had never really been challenged. Nothing bad had ever happened to me.
However everything went a bit shit a few years ago with some serious mental health issues in the family and some personal health issues. Covid probably hasn't helped either. I still think I'm naturally happy but it's not the same. It's interesting to see how I deal with it.

I think I do ok but I find the health issues incredibly frustrating (even though I know there are zillions of people worse off) The mental health issues affecting a close family member are extremely difficult to deal with. I want to be able to magically 'cure' them but, of course, I can't. I worry about it a lot and I've realized I'm actually a bit on an anxious person. I didn't see that coming.

I still do all the basics of things that make me happy - sport/friends/culture/being outdoors/volunteer work etc but everything is a little dulled. Hopefully things will improve.

One thing that I find differs a lot between people is 'playfulness'. It's a quality that children have but many adults don't. My husband isn't playful in the way my parents, my adult kids and I are. I like the fact I'm a playful person.

Anyway. I hope everyone who isn't happy finds some contentment one way or another.