What one single word describes your mother to you and sums up what she means to you?

[NETSRIK]

I'll start 'distant'

Love ❤️

RIP Mum 😢

The positive replies fill me with joy and the negative make me sad (my own reply was negative) but what has shocked me so much is the few posters who are adamant that people who have had terrible experiences from a mother and been scarred as a result either mentally or physically should be expected to show compassion simply because that woman gave birth to them. That is baffling to me. A blatant lack of empathy from these posters. No one should show compassion to any one who has had such a negative and damaging influence on their life. No one.

I know.

It's funny really because the mothers of those who've posted here with negative experiences would I have no doubt be the ones saying exactly those comments.

@Gilead
I’m so sorry. Just to remind you that you deserved none of that. You deserve and deserved love and compassion. I hope you have managed to comfort the little you.

@Gilead
Sending love to you in buckets.

one word for me?

"Multiple".

@HandScreen The first of my mothers became a dreadful abusive woman who her younger children had to climb over tables to get away from when she was threatening them with knives. There was a realistic expectation of a stabbing. That's really only the tiniest fraction of the abuse, though it's dramatic enough that people go "goodness me".

I do feel compassion for her since her own upbringing was terrible. No way could she emerge a stable loving woman, even though she did try.

But I -can- feel compassion because I have a bit of distance. She didn't bring me up. She was both horrifying and pitiable. But before there is the potential for compassion, at least part of you has to be able to grow beyond the survive-at-all-costs trauma that literally freezes the brain in the moment - look at the science.

Compassion is vital I believe. But you have to be in a good enough place to develop it. Also some people have just been hurt too badly to feel compassion, and that absolutely has to be respected.

[quote Gilead]@HandScreen at the age of ten the daughter of the head of the local primary took over housekeeping duties. Doing the washing, by hand. Shopping, cooking, cleaning. She had limited money but managed okay. Made sure her siblings got to school okay. She didn’t get Christmas presents, but the others did. She got school uniform for birthday.
She got a beating in the hospital loo whilst in hospital for showing her parent up by crying for an injection. She got a beating for forgetting to put the salt in the bread. She got regularly beaten for the most trivial of excuses. She would gaslight her daughter and deliberately set her up to fail. When she left home her Mother asked ‘well who’s going to babysit tonight?’
That woman is 85 now, only one of her children speaks to her. I have scars from her. She should not have been allowed to have children.
I am not a monster. I am the daughter of a monster.[/quote]
This is awful, and a really unusual situation. I'm so sorry that happened.

The volume of people with negative responses here doesn't reflect the few cases where abuse like this occurred.

@NETSRIK

The positive replies fill me with joy and the negative make me sad (my own reply was negative) but what has shocked me so much is the few posters who are adamant that people who have had terrible experiences from a mother and been scarred as a result either mentally or physically should be expected to show compassion simply because that woman gave birth to them. That is baffling to me. A blatant lack of empathy from these posters. No one should show compassion to any one who has had such a negative and damaging influence on their life. No one.

I disagree with you.

@Ijsbear

one word for me?

"Multiple".

@HandScreen The first of my mothers became a dreadful abusive woman who her younger children had to climb over tables to get away from when she was threatening them with knives. There was a realistic expectation of a stabbing. That's really only the tiniest fraction of the abuse, though it's dramatic enough that people go "goodness me".

I do feel compassion for her since her own upbringing was terrible. No way could she emerge a stable loving woman, even though she did try.

But I -can- feel compassion because I have a bit of distance. She didn't bring me up. She was both horrifying and pitiable. But before there is the potential for compassion, at least part of you has to be able to grow beyond the survive-at-all-costs trauma that literally freezes the brain in the moment - look at the science.

Compassion is vital I believe. But you have to be in a good enough place to develop it. Also some people have just been hurt too badly to feel compassion, and that absolutely has to be respected.

Agreed

Steadfast

@HandScreen I don't care for your opinions so don't care that you disagree with me. I'm actually pleased you do as if you agreed with me I wouldn't be a very nice person.

Strong

[quote NETSRIK]@HandScreen I don't care for your opinions so don't care that you disagree with me. I'm actually pleased you do as if you agreed with me I wouldn't be a very nice person.[/quote]
Jeez. You seem genuinely not nice. What an odd comment to make.

@HandScreen
How do you know what people have experienced?
Should I tell you the reason I don’t like long fingernails?

Needy.

@BrennieGirl

It makes me feel so much better to see so many negative words on this thread. I have a terrible relationship with my mother and sometimes it feels like everyone around me has a great relationship with their mother except me.

Definitely not just you, you're not alone

Mine would be either 'vile', 'narcissistic' or 'fuckedup' (I know its two words)

'Yes, the majority will be ungrateful. There will be a very small percentage who will be the exception. Have you raised children yourself? It's hard work and no one is perfect'
Speak for yourself jvg33 ,some mothers are truly awful and deserve what's been written .

My mother had a shit childhood. I have a lot of compassion for her. That doesn't negate the fact that she was abusive to me.

I can assure you that it is not me making odd comments.

Last post in reply to @HandScreen.

There are plenty of selfish humans, some of whom neglect their loving parents (or loving children, for that matter).

But if people feel actively negative towards their parent - there's a reason for it. We are programmed by nature to love our mothers unconditionally. When someone feels actively that their mother is truly unpleasant, that's because their mother's behaviour has made them feel that way.

People from more loving families don't have the frame of reference to understand, ime.

Well said @ljsbear . A lot of people, including myself, who have put a negative word to describe their mother can probably not relate at all to those who have put a positive word. I listen to people around me talk about things they do with their mum and how much they look forward to seeing her and how much love she shows them and I cannot relate to it at all. I have spent most of my adult life thinking I am abnormal because of this. This thread makes me feel less so. I genuinely wish I did have a loving relationship with her but I don't. None of her children do and 6 of us can't be all wrong.

Cold

G.O.A.T

Okay four words. I'm just sorry for everyone else they didn't get her.

@NETSRIK

Well said *@ljsbear* . A lot of people, including myself, who have put a negative word to describe their mother can probably not relate at all to those who have put a positive word. I listen to people around me talk about things they do with their mum and how much they look forward to seeing her and how much love she shows them and I cannot relate to it at all. I have spent most of my adult life thinking I am abnormal because of this. This thread makes me feel less so. I genuinely wish I did have a loving relationship with her but I don't. None of her children do and 6 of us can't be all wrong.

I agree with every single word of that.