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Original poster

Sister Prefers her Friends to me

76 replies

fedupneighbour · 21/02/2022 23:00

My sister hardly makes an effort with me, my mum and dad.
My family has had a lot of troubles, including mental health, other health issues such as dementia and also addiction.
My sister keeps away and is soon to be moving to a different city.
She hardly ever wants to meet up for holidays and birthdays, but always makes room for friends and her partner's family. I feel neglected and like it's all one way.
She tells me she is hoping to stay over one night a week after working in London at my mum's so she can see everyone still. From my pov this is to suit her since she will be working the next day and then going off home to her new city. What is she actually giving to the family? I don't think anything.
She rarely spends time with my parents yet they are aging and my mum especially craves company. My parents are eccentric and possibly have undiagnosed mental health issues, which I feel I deal with on a day to day to basis, and as they grow older they will need more help.
I don't feel like I want to even go and see her in her new city because I'm so fed up of her and her partner.
My parents go along with whatever she says more or less and I think my dad will want to go to her house for Christmas again because he loves the grandchildren.
I don't know how to talk to my sister about this because she obviously knows what she is doing. I don't really trust her or her boyfriend. I find them selfish and used to getting their own way and that they will only talk honestly with each other and maybe his family.
I feel like they think they are better than me, particularly her partner, who talks about himself non stop.
I am wondering whether just to tell her how I'm feeling but she tells him everything and I think it would come back at me.
My parents don't see things the same way and won't criticise or challenge them.
Any thoughts or advice please?
Thanks

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/02/2022 13:45

My friends are closer to me than my sibling. Other than our parents we have literally nothing in common. I don’t agree with some of the choices he’s made and I’m sure he thinks the same of my life.
So I’d see him at events but I’d not go out of my way to see him. And that’s fine. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to like them.

Octomore · 22/02/2022 13:49

when their daughter had sickness and diorreah refusing to stay with her and effectively making my mum babysit and look after her while he went shopping

No-one made your mum do anything. Your mum is a grown woman.

One thing that really stands out from your posts is that no-one in the family takes responsibility for their own decisions, and only your sister seems capable of drawing boundaries. (Example: your mum craving company, and this being portrayed as other people's responsibility to fix)

It sounds like your parents are quite young still. You describe them as 'aging', but your dad obviously still works for living. The dynamic you are establishing now will therefore last for a VERY long time (i.e. the rest of their lives).

In counselling, you need to work out how to build a healthy, positive dynamic, relating to your parents as an equal adult, rather than continuing to sink under feelings of guilt and obligation towards towards them. You need to be free to live your own life, just as your sister has done.

RedToothBrush · 22/02/2022 14:39

@fedupneighbour

Thanks for the clarity. I have offered to babysit but she's never taken it up. My mum has issues. My dad encourages her to see the family when he's at work so quite a lot. You say about anger. There have been times when my sister has taken the p. For example at my cousin's wedding they sat at the bar all night and didn't even come to say hi to the rest of the family who were sitting together in the main area. I guess I feel that they have treated us/me as a second best eg at Christmas time, coming for dinner for an hour before leaving and going to meet up with his family/friends for an event. I suppose I feel if I had her attitude I'd never see her. She says herself that her partner always get what he wants (thinking male version of Meghan markle) and at times I think he's again taken the p eg when their daughter had sickness and diorreah refusing to stay with her and effectively making my mum babysit and look after her while he went shopping. My mum said she'd rather go shopping for him but he pretty much insisted. I actually am trying to get some counselling. Thanks for your help. 'Turns off commenting.'
Your sister does not have to talk to anyone she doesn't want to at a wedding.

You sister probably thinks your offer to babysit comes with strings given your attitude towards her on this thread. I'm willing to bet you would forever go 'but I did this for you', as a means to try and get her to do what you want on another occasion.

Your mother's decision to babysit is nothing to do with you. Its between your sister and your mother and your judgement of it, is basically interferring in that.

Coming for Christmas is an invitation not a summons. Your sister does not HAVE to spend Christmas with your family exclusively.

Every further comment you've made only serves to show me that your relationship and attitude towards your sister is toxic. Its unhealthy, judgmental and controlling.

If your sister was here I would firmly tell her that she's got the right idea.

Nothing here is healYou really need step back. Make your own life. Let your sister live hers on her terms rather than on the basis of whether you approve of what her decisions in life are. They are hers to make - not yours.

If you carry on like this, you risk losing the relationship with her completely as she will eventually decide that it is harmful to her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
georama · 22/02/2022 14:59

So do you expect your sister to not have moved? To live closest them their whole lives regardless of her own families wants and needs?

AskingforaBaskin · 22/02/2022 15:21

Just because fate made you both be born to the same prenatal does not obligate her to like you or want to socialise with you.

user7643789 · 22/02/2022 17:25

her partner always get what he wants (thinking male version of Meghan markle)

Right-o

Geppili · 22/02/2022 18:07

How old are you op? Do you live with your parents? What is going well for you in your life?

Chestofdraws · 22/02/2022 18:09

@Geppili

How old are you op? Do you live with your parents? What is going well for you in your life?
I think the op is a very young woman, likely teenager, maybe a little older.

I’m sorry op if I’m wrong, but you come across as very young and resenting your sister being allowed to do all these things when you’re stuck at home.

Thereisnolight · 22/02/2022 18:46

@AskingforaBaskin

Just because fate made you both be born to the same prenatal does not obligate her to like you or want to socialise with you.
Gosh I wouldn’t go that far. Sounds very harsh. It’s not unreasonable to want a loving sibling relationship with the person who knows you better than anyone else. Provided you can both do it with respect and equality.
UserBotLurking9to5 · 22/02/2022 18:50

Apart from keeping her distance, what is upsetting you?
I keep my distance from my family. I do this because they are impossible!

Howshouldibehave · 22/02/2022 18:52

I don't know how to talk to my sister about this because she obviously knows what she is doing.

She is living her life! You seem to be placing your own demands on her and deciding how she should be doing things/how often/how much she should help?! You can’t dictate any of this.

It sounds like your family has incredibly complicated issues and are very needy and perhaps her friends and in laws aren’t!

SeasonFinale · 22/02/2022 18:56

I think she is obviously pretty nice to pop in on Christmas day when she would rather be with people who value her and treat her nicely.

cptartapp · 22/02/2022 20:16

Your mum needs to find company elsewhere. Highly selfish to expect busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to fill that gap.
If she's no friends that's on her. Your sister doesn't have to 'give' the family anything.
What strange expectations you have. Do you have friends?

AskingforaBaskin · 22/02/2022 22:18

@Thereisnolight nothing wrong with wanting that. But the level of entitlement here is ridiculous.

Just because their re-elected does not entitle them to her time or obligate her to fulfilling their needs.

Many people do not like those in their families. Not through any wrong doing or even crimes. Just don't like them and don't want a close relationship.

fedupneighbour · 23/02/2022 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

thereisonlyoneofme · 23/02/2022 15:42

Oh dear, someone who doesnt like the answers

bbtatoes · 23/02/2022 15:50

"Just posting to let you know that I'm not posting again, after previously saying I'm not posting again".

ChocolateMassacre · 23/02/2022 16:15

You all sound really hard work. She's already giving a fair amount of her time... maybe that's her limit for what she can cope with.

maddy68 · 23/02/2022 16:22

Don't most people prefer to be with their friends than their siblings? I think thats normal. I barely spend time with my siblings (love them very much) but only see them 3/4 times a year.

Friends I see all the time

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/02/2022 16:24

I wish l could have seen her message before she flounced

fruitbrewhaha · 23/02/2022 16:44

Your sister doesn't want to spend time with you. You just have to accept that. I don't think you are very nice to her, you sound like you don't like her, so why are you so keen to have a relationship with her.

Ohwowhoho · 23/02/2022 16:49

I mean this with kindness but I much prefer my friends over my sister. I picked them myself. You can’t pick your family, you get what you’re given.

I love my sister but she’s hard work and I would chose to spend time with my friends over her any day.

UserBotLurking9to5 · 23/02/2022 18:21

Same.

GreenClock · 23/02/2022 19:11

What’s your situation OP? Are you struggling yourself?

Octomore · 23/02/2022 19:35

@NorthSouthcatlady

I wish l could have seen her message before she flounced
She basically said that she wished there was a button to turn off commenting, and told everyone who'd been critical of her expectations of her sister to fuck off.