Sister Prefers her Friends to me

[fedupneighbour]

My sister hardly makes an effort with me, my mum and dad.
My family has had a lot of troubles, including mental health, other health issues such as dementia and also addiction.
My sister keeps away and is soon to be moving to a different city.
She hardly ever wants to meet up for holidays and birthdays, but always makes room for friends and her partner's family. I feel neglected and like it's all one way.
She tells me she is hoping to stay over one night a week after working in London at my mum's so she can see everyone still. From my pov this is to suit her since she will be working the next day and then going off home to her new city. What is she actually giving to the family? I don't think anything.
She rarely spends time with my parents yet they are aging and my mum especially craves company. My parents are eccentric and possibly have undiagnosed mental health issues, which I feel I deal with on a day to day to basis, and as they grow older they will need more help.
I don't feel like I want to even go and see her in her new city because I'm so fed up of her and her partner.
My parents go along with whatever she says more or less and I think my dad will want to go to her house for Christmas again because he loves the grandchildren.
I don't know how to talk to my sister about this because she obviously knows what she is doing. I don't really trust her or her boyfriend. I find them selfish and used to getting their own way and that they will only talk honestly with each other and maybe his family.
I feel like they think they are better than me, particularly her partner, who talks about himself non stop.
I am wondering whether just to tell her how I'm feeling but she tells him everything and I think it would come back at me.
My parents don't see things the same way and won't criticise or challenge them.
Any thoughts or advice please?
Thanks

Turn it around and think about how much she does put into the family despite living elsewhere, having other responsibilities and friendship.

It sounds like you think she should live next door and be around in 5 seconds if one of your family needs her.

Your expectations are really unhealthy and not normal.

I'd be doing exactly what your sister is. Building and good life and getting away from the toxic dysfuntion of your family that you've described.

You sound resentful and a bit jealous?
your posts reads like "she off having a nice time and is shirking her half of the work / misery" vs " I love hanging out with her we have so much fun and I miss her when she's gone!"

You sound enmeshed and trapped / entangled in your family drama/ difficulties while she has (rightly) distanced herself.

Another vote for therapy to get some clarity.

I don’t know, I’m suspecting the op is very young, and just jealous and resentful of her sisters freedom.

Also you barely reference she has children!!!
I missed it first read...

What is your relationship like with your nieces and nephews? What are you "giving to her family"?
Do you go and visit? Take them on days out? Offer to babysit???

It sounds as if your sister is getting on with her life and perhaps you should aim to do likewise.

I also prefer my friends to my family. My mum demands far too much of my siblings time. If they can't say no that's their boundary to work on.
Just because your mum "craves company' doesn't mean you or anyone has to provide it. Has your DM no friends?

As PP have suggested, counseling might be beneficial to you. Your should give your family as much time as you want and let your sister do the same

I'm sorry, OP, but I don't see what your sister is doing wrong?

I love my brother and would describe us as close but he chooses to live in a different county to the rest of the family - at one point in a different country. This was no reflection on us, this was/is where he wants to live. At one point I lived the other side of the world and this was not a comment on how close to my family I was. This was me making a decision about what I wanted to do with my life.

We might spend a family birthday together each year (e.g. he'll come to stay for Mum's birthday one year) and we might holiday together every 2-3 years or so. We spent last Christmas together but might not again for another 2-3 years. Again, this is not reflection on the family love - this is just the natural pattern as a result of everyone making different choices and the different elements of people's lives that need to be acounted for.

I don't know what the root of your anger towards your sister is, age old wounds or unrealistic expectations. But from your OP, she sounds like a normal person doing normal things.

It’s fairly normal for people to prefer their friends to their family. Friends are people they’ve chosen to have in their lives, after all.
One night a week when she has a young family and lives in another city seems on the higher side of contact to me.
You’re not unreasonable to be upset that you don’t have a closer relationship with your sister, but I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong here.

You need to address whether YOUR relationship with your parents is healthy (its not) and what life you have separate from your family to help give you perspective and support in dealing with your difficult parents.

You may be taking on too much which is actually detrimental to their well being. And certainly to yours.

I think your sister has that sussed.

OP, putting your sister aside - what are you doing with your own life? Is there a sense that your parents can’t manage on their own so you have to stay and look after them - at the expense of your own freedom. This is not right and your parents should not be putting this burden on you.
What age are they? This could go on for years.
If they’re relatively young and fit - ie the same age as your friends’ parents - why shouldn’t you do as your sister is doing, make your own plans to cut the apron strings (if you want to).
If they are genuinely frail, then look into what help they will need when you are focusing on your own life/work/travel/relationship - as you have every right to do. Inform them of what’s available and be clear that they need to consider engaging with it. After that it’s up to them. Harden your heart a little, OP. You can still be supportive to them but from a life and independence of your own. Put your own oxygen mask on first!

You seem really angry with your sister for daring to have a life of her own outside of you and your parents.

Why is that ?
And do you feel responsible for your parents ? The use of eccentric and undiagnosed mental illness to me sounds worrying - are you perhaps brushing issues under the carpet ?

My family has had a lot of troubles, including mental health, other health issues such as dementia and also addiction.

This is a recipe for a really fucked up family dynamic. Everything you write screams obligation and co-dependency. It's not healthy, and most sensible people would want to distance themselves for reasons of self-care.

my parents... are aging and my mum especially craves company.

What has your mum done to seek out company / friendships? Your mum isn't your responsibility - she's a grown adult who has seemingly chosen not to establish friendships outside the family.

My parents are eccentric and possibly have undiagnosed mental health issues

Have they sought support or a diagnosis? Or do they just rely on the two of you? Their mental health is not your or your sister's responsibility, and you shouldn't act as though it is.

What is she actually giving to the family? I don't think anything.

Have you ever asked yourself what the family is giving her? Given the MH and addiction issues, do you think your family contributes positively to her life in any meaningful way? If not, why are you expecting her to give and get little in return?

Also, what does your family contribute positively to your life? If not, why haven't you drawn boundaries like your sister has?

Your sister is not responsible for your parent's mental health or their addiction issues. It is also not her fault that you are so enmeshed in the family dynamic that you don't look outside it for fulfilment and happiness.

What is she actually giving to the family? I don't think anything

She doesn’t have to give the family anything-she’s not a carer.

I don’t blame her for preferring her friends-I’m presuming they don’t try and get something out of her!

I am afraid how you are feeling is not your sister's responsibility. You need to see a counsellor.

What is she actually giving to the family?

What is the family actually giving to her? A load of problems by the sounds of it.

She is a mother to young children, her priority is them and also preserving her own mental health. Do you have your own friends OP or a life outside of this rather dysfunctional family?

I think the comments have been quite harsh. If your parents didn’t have you, what would happen to them? You seem to have a greater sense of filial piety. I get that your sister has her own life and her own family but if you can’t turn to your sibling for support over family issues, who can you turn to? Do you have anyone else you can turn to for support?

Thanks for the clarity. I have offered to babysit but she's never taken it up. My mum has issues. My dad encourages her to see the family when he's at work so quite a lot. You say about anger. There have been times when my sister has taken the p. For example at my cousin's wedding they sat at the bar all night and didn't even come to say hi to the rest of the family who were sitting together in the main area. I guess I feel that they have treated us/me as a second best eg at Christmas time, coming for dinner for an hour before leaving and going to meet up with his family/friends for an event. I suppose I feel if I had her attitude I'd never see her. She says herself that her partner always get what he wants (thinking male version of Meghan markle) and at times I think he's again taken the p eg when their daughter had sickness and diorreah refusing to stay with her and effectively making my mum babysit and look after her while he went shopping. My mum said she'd rather go shopping for him but he pretty much insisted. I actually am trying to get some counselling. Thanks for your help. 'Turns off commenting.'

She is a grown woman, and she is carving out her own path in life, which is normal.

I have sympathy for you, because you clearly feel rejected by her and fear that she is not going to share the burden of your difficult parents. This is probably true, and instead of getting angry with her, you may need to look at what burdens you yourself are willing to accept before it all falls on you.

One of my brothers (although on good terms with us all) basically transferred to his wife's family on marriage. It is hard not to take umbrage on my parents' account, but the reality is he identifies more with them, because they are arty creative types and very successfully so. He doesn't owe the rest of us a close relationship as long as he stays in touch and shows his face occasionally.

I'd rather spend time with the random neighbours down the road than my sister, that's my prerogative. She's free to choose how she lives her life.

You’re carrying a lot of resentment towards her for striking out and making a family of her own.

She doesn’t have to be trapped in a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Do you have a partner/family of your own op?

Do you live with your parents?

I can understand why you feel rejected, but i dont think it sounds like shes taking the piss. I think she sounds like a busy working mum who still makes time to see her parents but has strong boundaries.

Do your parents discuss with you how they feel upset with her?

You do not have to be your parents carer either. I think it might do you good to branch out and make your own friends more

For example at my cousin's wedding they sat at the bar all night and didn't even come to say hi to the rest of the family who were sitting together in the main area.

You mentioned addiction issues. Is alcohol addiction the problem? Are they now sober, or still drinking?

Weddings can be pretty fraught when one of your family members has a problem with alcohol.

Also, you say they made no effort to come to you. Did you make an effort to go over to them?

She's presumably a grown up, she's left home, built a life for herself with friends and boyfriend somewhere else. That's what grown ups do.

Why do you expect her to keep retuning to the family home. Once every few months is normal, some don't manage that. I'm not sure what you expect.

Do you live at home with your parents OP?

Is there a big age gap between you and your sister?