Unplanned pregnancy, I am so scared to tell my partner

[emmaa1990]

Hello,

I am on a pill which I have been taking, I was on 3 lots of antibiotics- could this be how I have fallen pregnant?
Anyway I am late for my period, so yesterday I did a test off my own back, and to my shock it was positive. I am so so scared as this is totally unplanned- I still haven’t told my boyfriend of two years, I am so scared of how he will react. What if he says absolutely not, or is angry at me?

Please can someone give me advice or calm me down! Thank you

I know I do feel like I need therapy I have put up with sooo much from him & tbh I think I am lowering standards and not thinking of myself.

Gently OP, you aren't thinking of your daughter either if you stay with this bloke when you know he ignores you to punish and control you.

It wouldn't be putting her first to stay in a relationship with him. You owe her more.

He’s not a bad person - he’s so good with my daughter and yes we’ve had arguments where he ignored me after as that’s how he deals with things, however our relationship has been great until now… he hasn’t handled this well at all and maybe has shown true Colours! He doesn’t treat me badly or anything like that, he’s just been very unkind in this situation.

You’ve gone from saying he’s a lovely man to admiring he’s put you through a lot and that’s a big step.

I imagine a lot of his behaviour is worse than you realise and that therapy may be very beneficial to you.

What stands out to me is that,
yes it is a shock,
yes it may not be what you had planned,
yes he may not want a baby right now....

But he is 50% responsible for getting you pregnant, so if the above is all true he could have doubled up contraception and worn a condom.

Also and most importantly, he could and should have sat down and calmly asked you what you wanted and how you were feeling, told you his views (even if that was a termination )discussed the options and been upfront about his true feelings.....
Instead he has been harsh and selfish...

I would walk away now, this is the character of the man.

I know he’s been awful in this situation and I am shocked he has acted like he has to be honest, total opposite of what I thought he would of been like as conversations we’ve had beofre!

I am upset I’ve seen this side of him.

@Dragongirl10 100% he should of come over and chatted to me calmly - unfortunately it was done all over phone. I expressed this last night to him x

@emmaa1990

I know he’s been awful in this situation and I am shocked he has acted like he has to be honest, total opposite of what I thought he would of been like as conversations we’ve had beofre!

I am upset I’ve seen this side of him.

It doesn't sound out of character OP, it sounds exactly in line with the man you've described.

He ignores me when he’s upset or angry all the time, it’s 100% a control thing and making me feel punished

Please don't let your fear of being alone override your responsibility to your daughter. And to yourself - you deserve to be in a healthy relationship (and to be single until you find one) and I promise you that the description of how he acts when he's upset or angry is not present at all, whatsoever, in a healthy happy relationship.

Something doesn't sit right with said partner hun...

Housing circumstances etc don't really matter in this situation...

People that love each other make it work somehow or another you know?

At least discussing several times before even mentioning an abortion
Would've been the way forward. 🤔

Has he even thought about how your daughter would feel having a sibling?

You need to put your Dd first. Not your boyfriend or some cells growing inside of you. You said you were scared about telling him you were pregnant. This means that his response is not out of character. Did you take your pill correctly? Whether you choose to continue with the pregnancy or not, I highly doubt you will have a healthy relationship with this man. You will be tied to him forever and you need to put your Dd first - you don’t want her to think this kind of relationship is healthy.

I’m going to take this weekend alone and think everything over ♥️

As my daughter is going to her dads, and I know I should see my bf and talk but actually I feel time alone would be best right now xx

I think that is very wise op...this is your and your DDs future...only you can decide what you want to do but please don't base any decisions on this relationship.
Good luck

He's telling you what you want to hear to keep whatever you've got going on a bit longer. He acted in a way with 0 consideration or compassion, by the sounds of it he's leading you on really. I think in your heart you already knew he didn't want this and that's why you were so stressed and scared. He's not a good one. He's not a man.

Oh OP....
Take your daughter and new baby if you want to go through with the pregnancy and run for the hills.

He's keeping you sweet. I'm sorry

@PyongyangKipperbang's posts are spot on

I've not truly been in the situation myself as that 1st pregnancy ended in mc

But I've been single for almost 20 years in terms of not living with anyone and for 3.5 years after split from ex I didn't even date. I just wasn't ready

You don't HAVE to be in a relationship certainly not a poor one

Nothing wrong with being contentedly single

Which is not to say I haven't dated/had my fun since but I've honestly only met 1 person that really had the potential to go the distance, the issue was I couldn't have more dc after dd and while at first he thought he was ok with that ultimately he decided he wanted his own biological dc which is fair enough. We're still friends he's married with dc now.

Who a person REALLY is you see when the chips are down NOT when things are smooth sailing.

When I'm stressed I get v sarcastic, snippy and snappy.

When my dd is stressed she walks for miles! She needs to burn off the nervous energy physically

When my ex is stressed he drinks (but I don't mean alcohol I mean just soft drinks he gets very very dry mouth and guzzles down water/juice)

Everyone handles stress differently yes - but SOME methods - like sulking are unacceptable and immature.

My dad and sister - sulkers! And it's not just a stress response it's absolutely designed to be manipulative to make those around them uncomfortable and ask what's wrong and try to "fix" it at which point they miraculously come out of the sulk

The real him is who he's been last few days NOT who he is when it's all sunshine and rainbows

And quite honestly op men like him, when your dd hits that awkward and VERY trying teen stage she'll be on the receiving end too! Especially if by that point he has his own "real" kids with you - happens all the time

Your focus should be on your wants. Do you want to be a single parent of two? Because this relationship is over either way, or should be, if you value yourself. He’s thick as fuck-‘how did this happen?’ Er, you put your bare penis into OP and ejaculated, mate, took zero responsibility for contraception himself.

@Graphista is 100% right about seeing the real person when things are tough.

Its why you see so many posts on here from women married to utter fucking selfish lazy bellends who had no idea that they were like that until the kids came along. Then you get "helpful" comments like "Why did you have a baby with him then?" and the answer is invariably "Because he wasnt like this then!".

Think of him as two people. One is Nice Guy, the other is Bellend.

Nice Guy is who you met and fell in love with. He is also who he sees when he looks in the mirror. He treats you nice, he buys you flowers, tells you that you are beautiful and tries to make sure you cum first (a weird badge of honour but one that many men seem to think makes them a [literal] fucking hero).

But........deep down inside him lives Bellend. Now Bellend hibernates, sometimes for years, until life hits a bump in the road. Maybe its a financial crisis, and unexpected pregnancy or his partner suddenly expecting him to make good on his promises, whatever it is, its enough to wake up Bellend.

Bellend is a selfish shit who will use any methods he can think of to make sure that life goes back to the way that him and Nice Guy like it. If his methods succeed then Bellend goes back to sleep, but not such a deep sleep as before, it takes less to wake him up. And when he does wake Bellend knows exactly what method will work best to get what he and Nice Guy want, so he goes straight into sulk mode (in your case). And so it goes on until you end up living with Bellend 99.9% of the time and Nice Guy only appears very occassionally, and usually for other people, never you.

And you know the worst thing? Whenever he looks in the mirror, he STILL never sees Bellend, only Nice Guy so that means that everything that is wrong in the relationship can safely be blamed on you.........

I really just keep thinking to myself, how he was so quick to say no and all the reasons why, he hasn’t even taken a day of two to be like ok I love this girl we could make it work!
It’s like he’s telling me all the things I want to hear like we can at end of the year etc, when actually it’s bullshit - maybe he isn’t as serious about me as I thought, I mean his facts are valid and I get them. But it’s happened at a wrong time but not as if he’s 20 - he’s 34 this year with no kids!
He spends most nights at mine with me and my daughter so he knows what us living together would be like!

I’m not going to have the abortion right away, I need time time process my own thoughts - I wouldn’t like to be a single parent of two but I don’t know yet x

Two of my friends have been in exactly your shoes - both stayed with the guys who reacted like this (angry / nasty then soothing saying "just not right now, maybe next year etc"), were persuaded to terminate the pregnancy based on those promises... and both of the guys promptly broke up with them once the terminations were done.

He's very likely saying whatever he thinks is going to be most effective when it comes to you ending the pregnancy.

You really need some space from him to consider what YOU want to do.

And also, as I said earlier, to be brutally honest with yourself about the fact that this man regularly uses silence as a punishment when he's angry or upset (your words) as a form of control (your words) and ask yourself if it's fair to be planning to move your little girl in with someone who behaves like that.

I'm so glad you're taking some time on your own to think things through. Ultimately this is your decision. He may come round or he may not.
Take your time, think everything through.

It's your decision, he's 34 so he's old enough to know how condoms work if he's not ready.

I like how he made up 50% of the sex but yu have to take 100% responsibility for preventing a pregnancy.

@Fluffycloudland77

It's your decision, he's 34 so he's old enough to know how condoms work if he's not ready.

I like how he made up 50% of the sex but yu have to take 100% responsibility for preventing a pregnancy.

Why do some people (not just men!) think like that?

He puts his penis inside her, deposits enough sperm to create a baby (ie....at least one!) but when a pregnancy occurs ...... SHE got pregnant! Like she somehow did it on her own, or stole his semen!

For the fact that he thinks like this at all, I would be dumping him.

I know he said he’s not blaming it on me, and keeps saying he’s not being pushed into having a baby when he doesn’t want to right now, he hasn’t taken any of my thoughts into consideration at all. He is only listening to himself!
He said so what if I am 34, I want to be settled and living comfortably before even thinking of having a baby. He said ‘you’ve got a child’ so I will literally have two kids after not having any!

It’s like he feels I am forcing him to have this baby when I haven’t even said I wanted it, I’m just saying about other possibilities but in other hand he’s forcing me to not have it! He’s being very one sided. I haven’t even seen him yet btw, this is all over txts. He said he’s coming tomorrow

Not even sure I want him to?!

I'd tell him not to and both have a few days to calm down before you have a serious chat x