Unplanned pregnancy, I am so scared to tell my partner

[emmaa1990]

Hello,

I am on a pill which I have been taking, I was on 3 lots of antibiotics- could this be how I have fallen pregnant?
Anyway I am late for my period, so yesterday I did a test off my own back, and to my shock it was positive. I am so so scared as this is totally unplanned- I still haven’t told my boyfriend of two years, I am so scared of how he will react. What if he says absolutely not, or is angry at me?

Please can someone give me advice or calm me down! Thank you

Honestly suggest you tell him Friday won't work for you & take some more time & space so that you can really work out how you feel

You have a lot on your plate op with your dad too

It's not up to him whether you continue the pregnancy or not!

That's your decision every time

Quite honestly as always on such threads it's best to make the decision that most suits you as I am afraid the relationship is unlikely to survive

If you continue the pregnancy he will resent you, but I believe if you abort you will regret it and come to resent him

That's not because I am remotely anti abortion I am pro choice all the way but I get the distinct feeling YOU don't really want to abort and if you did you'd end up resenting him

He ignores me when he’s upset or angry all the time, it’s 100% a control thing and making me feel punished

Regardless of current situation that's abusive behaviour anyway op you're better off without him no matter what

And he is completely out of order blaming you! It takes two! If he knew he definitely didn't want a pregnancy and would react badly if one happened then he could also have used condoms it's not all on you!

I fell pregnant the 1st time on the pill - it happens! I was 18. After that except when actively ttc WE (and I'm talking different relationships here my ex was 2 boyfriends after this) used pill and condoms

With this guy - you're right he's shown his true colours

Regardless what you decide re the pregnancy I wouldn't stay with him

Honestly op youre better off without him either way-shown his true colours

He sounds like a twat! Your better off without him. It takes 2 and now he's putting all this stress on you instead of supporting you. Sending love

There are many posts here calling BF a twat and various other names.

If I have understood Emmaa's posts correctly, he is doing up his house with a view that Emma and her child move in at some point. If I have misunderstood anything here, please ignore the rest of this post.

I also want to say I believe that there was a pill fail in this case so this post is not aimed at Emma but rather those maligning her BF.

There are many women in this world that will go to any lengths to get themselves a marriage, house , pension rights etc without having to work for it. It's a magnificent prize and saves many years of hard work.

So most men faced with a women stating that they are 'accidently' pregnant will be asking themselves questions as there is a lot at stake.

In this case he would be faced with an extra 2 children plus GF/wife.

I'm not defending him here or accusing Emma of anything, but just saying any man who has questions in similar situations is not a twat or any of the other names bandied about, but just thinking what a lot of other people would also think, and that includes thinking about any part he had played in the whole saga.

Completely agree @dogmandu
I'm on the pill. If I fell pregnant then I would seriously have questions. I know that it isn't 100%, but it is a very low chance of pregnancy if used properly and I would be questioning if I'd used it properly tbh and I would expect my partner to do the same.

It's not his questioning/wondering that's the problem, but he's being unpleasant about it.

He's talked in the past about them having children together, they've been having sex. It was always a possibility.

There were two possible reactions- have a sensible discussion about the way forward, or blame her for getting pregnant. He chose the latter. That's why he's being criticised.

@picklemewalnuts
There were two possible reactions- have a sensible discussion about the way forward, or blame her for getting pregnant. He chose the latter. That's why he's being criticised.

Unfortunately in a realistic world most of us would have had questions in a similar situation, whether or not we voice them.

In the most secure and trusting of relationships one party can at some point come up with the most shitty and unacceptable actions. This is a life lesson that some of us learn. If I were in the situation discussed here, I would also be asking questions as this is a life lesson that I have learned - don't always take everything at face value, especially if looks suspicious and the other person has a lot to gain from it.

I'm so sorry, he's been awful. I could understand him being shocked and wanting a termination Tbh, I got pregnant after years of trying and IVF, and after all that when he saw the line on the test my DH decided he'd changed his mind and didn't want kids anymore!) It was shock. It's the way he's treated you that's really concerning. Ignoring you as a punishment 🙂 s very controlling so you really have to evaluate whether you want to stay with him. Only you know whether a termination is right for you. Try to calm down and listen to that little voice in your head, you'll get through this xxx

Oh god ignore the inappropriate, random smiley face 🙄

@dogmandu

There are many posts here calling BF a twat and various other names.

If I have understood Emmaa's posts correctly, he is doing up his house with a view that Emma and her child move in at some point. If I have misunderstood anything here, please ignore the rest of this post.

I also want to say I believe that there was a pill fail in this case so this post is not aimed at Emma but rather those maligning her BF.

There are many women in this world that will go to any lengths to get themselves a marriage, house , pension rights etc without having to work for it. It's a magnificent prize and saves many years of hard work.

So most men faced with a women stating that they are 'accidently' pregnant will be asking themselves questions as there is a lot at stake.

In this case he would be faced with an extra 2 children plus GF/wife.

I'm not defending him here or accusing Emma of anything, but just saying any man who has questions in similar situations is not a twat or any of the other names bandied about, but just thinking what a lot of other people would also think, and that includes thinking about any part he had played in the whole saga.

You need to talk to someone about all that internalised mysogny hon!

You need to talk to someone about all that internalised mysogny hon!

I'm a woman and am the opposite of mysoginistic, but it always helps to be realistic and not idealistic. If course there are men sponging off women, many of them but in this case we're talking about women.

Life is not black and white - I look at each case and judge accordingly.

I agree in part dogmandu, and would expect him to wonder and hedge his bets a bit. I'd also expect him to consider how tough it is to have to tell someone contraception failed and deal with the consequences. To have no consideration at all for how OP may be feeling and only react angrily is selfish.

If we live in a society where an unexpected pregnancy is all about the poor man being trapped in responsibility, then we need to educate men better about the possible consequences of sex. Particularly sex with a woman they don't actually trust that much.

Morning everyone, I’ve woke up today feeling a lot more understanding over it, it is a shock & totally unplanned, and I get where he is coming from, he’s doing up his house, he then wants me and my daughter to move first and have that life, before having a baby, otherwise it’s all rush with me moving in with two kids! It’s a lot, I get it.

I think I’m more upset over the way he’s handled things, not cos he doesn’t want the baby. He’s been quite unkind but I guess he’s in shock. Xx

Yea nobody's criticising him being "questioning" we're criticising him for being sulky, harsh and not acknowledging his part here - she didn't get pregnant herself!

Any man who is concerned a woman may deliberately get pregnant to take advantage of him absolutely needs to take his own precautions! Nobody was stopping him doing that

@picklemewalnuts

I also agree with much of what you say....

I just hope he does see a future with me and my daughter and I’m not just here to fill time whilst finding someone more suitable but I guess that’s my over thinking x

I had a similar situation once, many years ago now but it played out almost exactly like this.

I had been given all the promises of living together, marriage babies etc. We got engaged (sort of... he bought me a ring but refused to discuss weddings because, and I quote, "Why do we need to get married if we are engaged".....err.... should have seen that red flag for what it was but I was very young) and I found out I was pg. Then suddenly we had no future if this baby was born, I NEEDED to get an abortion, it would be totally selfish of me not to, and then the big guns.....his parents were very rich and he said that they would fund him to make sure he never had to pay a penny for said child. Looking back now I can see that he completely future faked me to keep me in his life. He knew I wanted the settled life, he didnt but didnt want me to dump him. I think he also knew what I can now see, that I was completely out of his league and he would never get someone else like me in a million years. Thats not me being arrogant, I was (note the past tense!) pretty, slim, dressed well, intelligent, popular....crashingly low self esteem though so I was grateful that he, anyone, wanted to be with me. :(

I had the abortion, dumped him and moved on. I am very glad I did. I look back and I would have had 28 years (so far) of that shit head in the back ground even if he hadnt seen the child. I would have had him hanging over me as I know his family would have loved the child and wanted to see it.

Sometimes there isnt just a wrong time to have a baby but a wrong person to have it with. Sadly we dont always find that out until after the deed is done, then its down to damage limitation.

Right now you need to limit the damage to YOU. And I will be honest and say that you sound quite fragile and maybe not in a place to stand up to him with a big fat fuck off. There is no "best" way in a situation like this, but there is always a "least worst" way. So if a termination would be the least worst way for you to get through this, then so be it, but please please do ask for counselling from the service you have booked it through. They have to offer it and can signpost you for further help if you feel you need it.

Take care of yourself sweetheart, take each day as it comes and try not to pressure yourself xx

See this reads to me as you lowering your standards, dropping the bar, being ready to accept shit behaviour from him as long as he lets you and your DD move in with him.

Honestly, that's not a great idea. Be very careful. He may be a sensible man being cautious, but even if he is he has treated you unkindly.

Do you want to set up home with a man who'll blame you whenever something goes wrong? Who'll ignore you when he's upset? Really?

@picklemewalnuts this is super true and I have major doubts now. I don’t want to move with him anytime soon, he’s true colours came out yesterday and atm i really don’t even want to see or talk to him! He’s been so unkind and really hurt me.

But what I am saying is- I get what he means about house and it’s a lot moving with me and two kids xx

@picklemewalnuts

See this reads to me as you lowering your standards, dropping the bar, being ready to accept shit behaviour from him as long as he lets you and your DD move in with him.

Honestly, that's not a great idea. Be very careful. He may be a sensible man being cautious, but even if he is he has treated you unkindly.

Do you want to set up home with a man who'll blame you whenever something goes wrong? Who'll ignore you when he's upset? Really?

I agree.

I really do think that counselling/therapy would help you to understand why you are accepting his behaviour. And thinking about whether this the relationship template you want for your DD.

You had a failed relationship with her father, it happens, and I get that you dont want that again. But not continuing in a relationship that isnt for you is not failing, its actually a really positive life affirming thing to do. Its you telling yourself "I know what I am worth and I will walk if I dont get it". Single and proud is much better for your emotional and mental health than in a relationship, any relationship, rather than being on your own.

I am not saying that you should finish with him, but do some work on yourself, your boundaries, your self esteem, your confidence before considering living with him or having more kids.

I know I do feel like I need therapy I have put up with sooo much from him & tbh I think I am lowering standards and not thinking of myself.
I just fear the whole meeting someone new and starting over, it’s a horrible feeling.

But I’m going to take a few days and just have space from him.

The abortion place has offered some therapy to me so I may talk to them x

@emmaa1990

I know I do feel like I need therapy I have put up with sooo much from him & tbh I think I am lowering standards and not thinking of myself. I just fear the whole meeting someone new and starting over, it’s a horrible feeling.

But I’m going to take a few days and just have space from him.

The abortion place has offered some therapy to me so I may talk to them x

I just fear the whole meeting someone new and starting over, it’s a horrible feeling

I would take this out of your thinking for now. Finding someone new should be lower down the list, you need to find YOU first. You cant hope to have a healthy relationship without knowing who you are, what you want, where your boundaries are and how to stick to them.

I felt like this when my marriage ended after abuse, but then I spent the next 2 years on my own and felt the happiest I had in years. For the first time I could just look after me and the kids. I didnt have to factor in a selfish man who expected everything to be about him and what he wanted. It was so freeing! When I did start dating it was very much on my terms, and still is, which is very empowering. I come from a place of "What do I want?" rather than "Can I be what he wants me to be?"

If a man treated your daughter like this in the future, you’d tell her she was worth more.

Not being ready for a baby is one thing but treating you like this is disgusting.

@emmaa1990

I just hope he does see a future with me and my daughter and I’m not just here to fill time whilst finding someone more suitable but I guess that’s my over thinking x

Why on earth are you planning to subject your existing daughter to a man who you describe as follows?

He ignores me when he’s upset or angry all the time, it’s 100% a control thing and making me feel punished

This whole episode should be a wake up call. This is who he is. This wasn't a blip or an out of character reaction. You said he ignores you "all the time" when he's upset or angry, that it's a control and punishment thing.

How can that be someone you want your daughter to live with?!