DH considering becoming a doctor

[pinkgingham]

Posting here in case anyone has experience/advice they can share.

DH is 37 and in a fairly good career type role but it doesn't motivate him (it could uncharitably be called a bullshit job).

He wanted to study medicine at uni but instead did politics (got some dodgy career advice at school and was the first in his family to go uni).

He's wanted to retrain for many years but it didn't make sense whilst we were trying to buy a house, have kids etc.

He's now considering it properly for the first time. Unfortunately he has had to spend a lot of time in hospital recently due to serious illness in his family and it's really brought home to him that what the medical staff do is so meaningful, which is a direct contrast to his job (in his view).

We've worked out that we could afford to live on my salary for a few years if needed whilst he was studying, I appreciate that the hours are crazy and sometimes unpredictable and that it would put a lot more of the childcare burden on me. I still think it's worth it though as he has a lot of years left to work and you only get one life and it's a long time to waste in a job you think is meaningless. He would love to do it but is always more cautious than me.

Is this totally mad? Do people actually do this at 37? What do we need to consider?

Go for it! My DH is leaving a well paid office job to train in something manual and go from there. He’s miserable in his current job. Do what makes you happy, especially if you can afford it

@LuckyWithMyLot

I know a couple of people who've done this. You only get one life and we should all pursue our dreams.

However, I'd strongly encourage him to have frank conversations with some doctors about the downsides; it's a damn hard job and you wouldn't want to qualify in your forties only to find it's not really for you. Burn out is rife and the hours are incredibly long initially.

I disagree with pursuing your dreams if it means your partner will be sole breadwinner and massively the primary carer for years of study, and then have little support for years more after that. If you have tons of cash and supportive family then go for it, otherwise I think the cost to you and your children would be huge.

The person upthread talking about FY1 positions is incorrect. Even if you're staying technically in an area, many of my friends have been sent hours commute away to various places, and you can't live over 2 hours away if you're on call.

[quote JBFletcher90]@Goldi321 I hear you, but with all due respect, what might be a challenging job for some might be a walk in the park for others.
I understand that you felt the need to comment to ensure all points for covered for the OP, but I’d like to think I am speaking from some area of knowledge. I grew up with parents working in the NHS, I have worked in the NHS prior to med school (volunteer and paid roles) and I have been attending hospital placements (in some of the busiest central London hospitals) for the last 4 years of med school.
Personally, I have found greater ease and enjoyment actually working in hospitals and talking to patients rather than med school - but I understand I might be an outlier on this thread![/quote]
IMO not job itself that's difficult, but the impact on surrounding people. Easy to focus on a gruelling job with high responsibility and odd hours if someone else is running the family.

The issue here isn't whether her DP can do it but what happens in 5+ years when OP is left bearing the family load (again depending on how old their kids are), impact on HER career. It's one of those things (like a long commute) which seems easy until you actually do it.

Despite my earlier comments I wouldn't say 'don't do it'. More of plan for all scenarios. What if one of you loses your jobs, what if he wants to quite, or you don't want to continue bearing the family burden? Are you ok with the potential exit costs?

Hope for the best plan for the worst. Again you're already ahead by thinking about it and asking people.

I cannot stress strongly enough not to do this, sorry. It will be shit for all of you.

Also being a doctor is not necessarily the most rewarding healthcare role. Depending on what he does nurses have the main patient contact and are generally those who are remembered after discharge.

Obviously not hating on doctors they are amazing just two different roles

@affairsofdragons

I would also require a bit of protection for your own financial security, OP. If you fund his way through medical school at this late date, I would want a written commitment to pay a chunk of it back to you in the event you two split. It's not uncommon.

This too! Get everything legalled up

This question comes up perennially and if you done an advanced search you’ll find some really detailed threads with lots of input from posters who have either done it themselves or supported a partner through the process.

There are also lots of very well-meaning cheerleaders who will declare ‘just go for it!’ I will just say that these are never the people who have first-hand understanding of the wide-reaching implications for your whole family for the next 10+ years.

I'm 42. I was a Deputy Head in a secondary school before I left to have DC- 7,4 and 2. I would also love to do Medicine. DH will support me he says- he's a Head and is well-paid so money is not the issue. But he is worried about the amount of support the children and we, as a family, would need and whether he can provide all of that and do his job. I had a place to do Medicine when I went to uni and backed out. I have not studied any science since my A levels. At 42 people keep telling me I am too old and am swapping one very stressful career for another and it will take years to qualify and then being a junior doctor if incredibly tough. I don't want to go back into teaching.

I have spoken to Newcastle Uni who explained what it would involve- the academic stuff would be hard for me too I think. I spent 3 days in a GP practice, 3 days in a hospital with a kidney consultant and 2 days trailing a junior doctor. I'd want to be a hospital doctor. I have just about given up on the idea - I think I am too old and the strain it would put on our family is unfair. I would have done it if I was 37 though. I'm upset that I probably can't do it. Good on your husband.

@Snoods

Go for it! My DH is leaving a well paid office job to train in something manual and go from there. He’s miserable in his current job. Do what makes you happy, especially if you can afford it

For a single man ten years younger, perhaps. But there are so many factors at play here. "Just do it" doesn't really cut it.

@deeplyrooted

What are your dreams OP?

Whatever they are, they will be second to her husband's for a very long time so I hope her marriage is rock solid.

@ThanksItHasPockets

This question comes up perennially and if you done an advanced search you’ll find some really detailed threads with lots of input from posters who have either done it themselves or supported a partner through the process.

There are also lots of very well-meaning cheerleaders who will declare ‘just go for it!’ I will just say that these are never the people who have first-hand understanding of the wide-reaching implications for your whole family for the next 10+ years.

A very American culture... 'just do it' lmao. Also interestingly people say 'you have one life, chase your dreams'. Yeah. But in that SAME one life there are a myriad of things you can be doing in your youth...watching kids grow up, travel while still yunf and healthy

Do the posters saying 'just go for it' really understand that they would be condemning OP to effectively be a single parent and sole breadwinner, who was also asked to help finance medical studies for probably a decade ?

Shat about the children never or hardly ever seeing their other Thank you very much bye-look

My cousin did it as a “ mature” student in his twenties with two young kids . I think he got financial support from parents and in laws. He is now a GP and honest enough to describe his wife as a single parent ( they are still married). On the other hand, he loves his job and is a doctor to his fingertips and professionally fulfilled.

The point is you can't "Just do it" once you have a family. The impact on them must be given due consideration. It's doing a long and challenging degree which will take him away from his family and put probably quite a lot of pressure on his wife, not booking a holiday which is a bit too expensive.

My DP (a consultant) says he is mad. He felt old when he did it at 27 (no kids), and it was totally knackering. Our home life still now, years later, is impacted regularly due to his job. His hours are long, and there is a ton of shit to deal with on days off/evenings too more often than not.

I also think it’s a crazy idea, and the impact this will have on you and your children will be immense. I knew coming in to our relationship that his job came first for the most of the time, but did have a good understanding of it thanks to being a nurse for a good number of years.

Might I suggest you both read The house of God by Samuel Shem. It is old, but gives a bit of an inkling into what he might be signing up for.

Easy to focus on a gruelling job with high responsibility and odd hours if someone else is running the family.

Quite.

So often on here, people will say 'go for it!' to a million different situations - asking someone out, having a wild confrontation with a neighbour, leaving a partner. It is so easy to give advice online, because you personally bear none of the consequences and it's much more fun and accepting and dynamic to encourage the 'doing something' option. But it's just flippant advice, an idealised soundbite. In reality, very few people would do or even encourage most of the things they advocate on here.

I certainly don’t think he’s too old and if you didn’t have kids then I’d probably say yes. However, you do have kids, he won’t be able to spend much time with them for quite a few years and I’d say being a parent, providing the emotional and financial security that you can for them is the most worthwhile and valuable thing you can do. How old are they? As people say he could consider other HCP options although many won’t be much better in terms of training and hours in the short term. Or maybe look at using his existing skills in a different job role? Volunteering? There’s loads of ways for him to feel he’s making more of a difference without a career change.

If his first degree was politics he’s also going to find going straight into medicine pretty hard. Did he do science a levels? The people I know who did the 4 year course were already qualified HCP

I just want to say that when someone has commitments and responsibilities that extend beyond themselves i.e. a spouse and or a child, things like "Live Your Best Life" and "Follow Your Dreams" cease to carry any significant meaning. If he were a 21 yo graduate drinking with his friends following exam season great! But a man nearing 40 with young kids and a wife???? Not so much.

I think there are a lot more options that are much more compatible with family life. I retrained as an SLT when I was 38 and my son was 2. My husband was able to support this financially, it was tough, but we managed. I only had a small part-time job prior. I wanted to do something more rewarding, and I am so happy I did.

I think there are ways to work in healthcare without the, by the sound of it, gruesome training for years and years.

@FazedNotPhased

Easy to focus on a gruelling job with high responsibility and odd hours if someone else is running the family.

Quite.

So often on here, people will say 'go for it!' to a million different situations - asking someone out, having a wild confrontation with a neighbour, leaving a partner. It is so easy to give advice online, because you personally bear none of the consequences and it's much more fun and accepting and dynamic to encourage the 'doing something' option. But it's just flippant advice, an idealised soundbite. In reality, very few people would do or even encourage most of the things they advocate on here.

I'm sure they'd be jumping for joy and whooping "you go!" if their husband on the wrong side of 30 came home and announced he was off to study medicine.

@foxyfemke

I think there are a lot more options that are much more compatible with family life. I retrained as an SLT when I was 38 and my son was 2. My husband was able to support this financially, it was tough, but we managed. I only had a small part-time job prior. I wanted to do something more rewarding, and I am so happy I did.

I think there are ways to work in healthcare without the, by the sound of it, gruesome training for years and years.

Exactly, there's an ABUNDANCE of choice. Allied health professionals, nurse practitioners, help people and well paid. People usually fixate on becoming a doctor for 3 reasons

• Prestige/achievement
• Lack of knowledge
• Genuine passion (some really want to be surgeons, have a specific disease to study ). These sadly are the minority.

Every student considering med school should attend a compulsory talk on alternate careers.

I come from a family of medical professionals, mostly doctors, but the next generation are different HCP. My aunt for example started as an eeg tech and was looked down on by the doctors. Several years later an experienced clinical physiologist, earns a fair bit and because she already started earning well 10 years into her career has a fair bit put away. Did a diploma and then degree all paid for by employer so no student debt. She has a nice life and can easily pick up overtime at high rates.

@JBFletcher90 I’d be interested to hear your thoughts in a few years!

I’d highly recommend investing in a couple of sessions with a good careers adviser who specialises in advising mid-life career changers. Good careers guidance is a world away from most people’s experience of having a few leaflets shoved at them in school and they will help your DH to identify exactly what about medicine appeals, and then to explore other options which won’t involve throwing a ten-year grenade into your life as a family. At 37 he has at least thirty years of working life ahead of him, probably more, and it’s more than reasonable to find something which is more fulfilling- but not if it places an unsustainable burden on you as his partner.

I know three women who started midwifery training in their 30s with young children and two of them gave up because the pressure of work, study, night shifts and family was too much. The idea of starting medicine at a similar age is impossible for me to imagine.

An additional point is that consultant/GP are not the only endpoints there are also jobs that are not training posts leading to consultant that are much more 9-5ish after the FY1 and 2 years. variously called staff grades, specialty doctors, medical officers, clinical fellows. These are locally employed posts with set hours and duties some have career progression, some don't.
True, there are alternatives, but it would be more accurate to say that non Consultant career grade posts might be more 9-5ish and have set hours than that they do. That's going to depend very much on the specialty and location.
In my specialty and others, the tendency for trainees to spend an increasing amount of time in the central teaching hospitals and less in DGHs, compounded by the need to reduce working hours to comply with the EWTD, created huge gaps in DGH on call rotas that most Trusts sought to fill with Specialty Doctors or worse, non standard Trust Grade posts often with poor terms and conditions. In the Trust I've recently left, a lot of these doctors (across many specialties) are effectively permanent registrars - workhorses who are carrying out much the same duties as the remaining SpRs but without the protection and privileges of being a trainee. And as they are middle grade posts a certain amount of experience is needed, you can't get one straight from the Foundation years.My dept required a minimum of 3 years experience in the specialty and to have passed Part 1 of our post grad diploma or equivalent, which these days is pretty much impossible to attain without being on a training programme anyway, unless you've worked abroad.
I'm sure that there are some good Specialty Doctor posts out there, but in my experience they are more often than not terribly undervalued staff who will be doing resident middle grade on call shifts to the end of their careers. I haven't met many doctors who have taken that route completely by choice.