(Wrong) English etiquette guides for Europeans.

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

I was chatting to a customer yesterday at work. She’s lived in the UK for a few years but has yet to make any meaningful female friendships, works with a load of blokes who she gets on fine with but is looking for real friendship.

Anyway, one of the first things she said to me was ‘you have beautiful eyes’ which was lovely if a bit out of nowhere (and I did wonder if she was chatting me up).

A little bit later we ended up chatting at the bar and she told me about the friends thing and that she was reading a book (in her language) about English etiquette and that apparently the done thing is to find something to compliment your new acquaintance on.

I think this is great, if slightly bonkers advice, and I wish it really was an English thing to do. I always make a point of sincerely complimenting people on a particular dress, shoes, etc but it’s not routine.

I did say to her I’d probably steer clear of commenting on hair, eyes or anything physical, because it can come across a bit intense, and that it’s not particularly a very British thing to do but I think it should be.

I just love the idea that there are books floating around Europe with completely off base ways of behaving more like the locals when you move to the UK.

I’m really curious what else her book tells her but alas I didn’t get a chance to ask before closing time. If she comes back I’ll find out.

You have used UK and England interchangeably in your OP and I always find that a bit annoying being a Scot, just my opinion.

100% this

@godmum56 - Hoffnung? - Yep.

@Words - It is a hallowed custom that those attending a cricket match for the first time should assemble in front of the white screens as play commences.
Their presence will be acknowledged with waves and shouts of greeting.

Love it - Excellent!

Grrr. Posted too soon!
When I looked over during choosing time, I saw an orderly queue of 5 year olds politely waiting their turn to choose a picture from the drawer.
All hell broke lose when a little boy (from a non British background) tried to push to the front as he could see that the supply of superhero pictures was running low. Suffice to say due to his peers indignant responses he has now learned to queue in true British style (and I kindly printed him an extra superhero picture as his disappointment at them running out was so big).
This incident still makes me smile warmly. Love the idea that 5 year olds already know the mores of their country.
Another time we were studying the weather and every week, without fail, we'd all troop outside to look at the sky. One week, a little boy folded his arms, peered up with his head tilted to one side and proclaimed wisely "hmm, looks like rain"! Only in Britain would a 5 year old even know that expression. Made me smile.

This thread is reminding me of a lovely job I had working with EFL mature students at university. We had a big group from the Middle East and they loved learning Glaswegian/Scottish phrases and decided to use them as much as possible. So you’d get the Saudi dads coming down the hallway saying awrite ma man to the academics and without fail someone would ask me if I was going oot and aboot at the weekend.

Re other points on this thread, I find when I’m abroad quite often people conflate British with English but that doesn’t mean they don’t see Scotland as insignificant, just separate. Which I can’t really get bothered about tbh, I don’t put a lot of stock in having a ‘British’ identity beyond what it says on my passport.

@Words

It is a hallowed custom that those attending a cricket match for the first time should assemble in front of the white screens as play commences.

Their presence will be acknowledged with waves and shouts of greeting.

Oh that’s just mean! 😂

[quote Hellocatshome]@QueeniesCroft yes "ow do" is definitely reserved for people who may be up to no good. My non British university friends used to be very confused when my DF used to great them with "Alright cock?" Or "Alright Cocker?" [/quote]
Is he Cornish? "Wosson my cock?" is a favourite local greeting, although the standard one is:
"Urright?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Yeah."

I've lived in many places abroad. I was overseas when Princess Diana died and my colleagues there asked if I was going back for the funeral. Er, no? They thought us Brits all knew each other.

My work employs a lot of non British workers and this explains a hell of a lot

@Cocomarine you answered your own question that a simple Google search would educate. Just as a simple explanation to someone that "English" and "British" are not interchangeable. No need to go into the deep dark history of it all, just a simple explanation will do.

There was a very Salfordian lady (think early Corrie type accent) who said goodbye by loudly shouting 'See yer, cock'. Caused some consternation with a couple of builders from further down south wondering if they were accidentally flashing! 😂

Where I live, there's a tendency for people immigrants to call people darling. I really don't like being called darling by a stranger.

Very funny

We hosted a German family a few years ago (we'd never met them before) and upon arrival the mother presented me with two packs of paper serviettes, just bog standard serviettes in plastic wrapping. I thanked her of course and she said "I hope this is OK. I was told it's a good gift".

When we hosted a French exchange student she arrived with disposable breathalizer test kits that her parents had given her to test us with!

@Snoken ha ha. I live in Yorkshire and that's so true. I'm picturing you trying to explain how you're feeling. Funny.

@minou123

KirstenBlest

MrsMoastyToasty
DH gets given malt whiskey every Christmas by his senior managers because all Scotsmen drink whiskey apparently.
DH is Scottish. We live in England. He hates whiskey.

Whiskey is irish. Whisky is scottish

Is that right? Because that explains a lot. I love Whisky, but always got confused with the spelling.

It's a bit like Gray and Grey. Ones British and the other American, but for the life of me, I can't remember which ones which.

actually i believe that whisky is scottish. and whiskey is from everywhere else, including irish, american ...

@MurciaMarmalade

My partner is Spanish and we live in Manchester. He couldn't get his head round everyone saying 'see you later' as a goodbye when no-one has any intention of seeing anybody later! He was also told we all stop to drink tea at 5pm

that would obviously be indian tea at 5pm, having slipped an hour from 4 o'clock. just reminded me, years ago when working in the area, i used to go for lunch in a little place up the hill at harrow, called tea at three. they had hexagonal plates.

Only Brits tut. I tut all the time and Canadians don't get it. If it's accompanied by an eye roll they just fall about

I first came to England 20 years ago. My guide book said talk to English people about the weather, pets, cricket, heritage sites and national monuments - do not talk about sex, religion or money. My host family thought it was hilarious (I was an au-pair then).

I definitely thought (and quite a few relatives still think this) that English people eat a full English breakfast every day.

@Oneearringlost

"I was a bit startled by the compliment".

Oh,Why, OP?
Such a shame that a genuine compliment should be construed as a sexual ' come on''.
Take it in the vein it was meant.
I'm sure you have lovely eyes.

When I was in Malaysia in my 20s, a woman complimented me on my bottom

I was going to use Holland Vs Netherlands as a comparison to UK/Eng/Sco/Wal/NI. I'd always assumed Holland was about 90% of Netherlands but having Googled it I am very wrong. What surprised me is that the Dutch themselves have referred to Holland rather than Netherlands until really recently! I just assumed it was Brits getting it wrong. www.theguardian.com/world/2019/oct/04/holland-the-netherlands-dutch-government-rebrand

In defense of Canadians, we are pretty good at queueing also.

I do think though that if someone "butts into a line" as we call it, we are less likely to go crazy and start shouting. I have observed said outraged shouting by some English on a cruise ship. It was actually a bit scary.

We Canadians are renowned for saying "sorry" many times a day even if we have done noting wrong. Someone bumps into you? The correct response is "sorry."

Pathetic really.

@MrsMoastyToasty

DH gets given malt whiskey every Christmas by his senior managers because all Scotsmen drink whiskey apparently. DH is Scottish. We live in England. He hates whiskey.

Well of course he does, whiskey is Irish.

I know someone has already said that, but it is a point worth making again.

The advice about not talking on public transport is fine in London, not so much in the North or the midlands.

I work with a lot of people who are not British-born and their primary complaint is British people not saying what they mean.

My carer dig a Japanese course via a Swedish uni (on line and taught in English) and his tutor said this, "you English say one thing and mean another"

He put on his best sarcastic voice to say, "I have no idea what you mean"

I'm a foreigner, learned English in school in my home country. Whenever we practiced dialogues, which was very often, they always involved "How do you do" instead of hello, but never, not once, have I used this phrase or heard someone else use it in my almost 20 years in this country!

You would have heard it in the 1930s, in the type of posh house that had servants and afternoon tea served at 4.00pm

I work with a lot of people who are not British-born and their primary complaint is British people not saying what they mean. For instance, asking a question but not asking the right or direct one,like "Should you be eating that sixth Hobnob?" instead of, "Eating to many Hobnobs will make you sick. Stop it."

This! I live and work in France, with french and British colleagues. When a British person comes into our office and speaks to our french HR person, the culture clash is painful to witness. The Brit, who wants XYZ done, waffles on: “if it’s not too much trouble / don’t want to put you out / would it be possible to /oh don’t bother about it!” then leaves. Then my french colleague turns to me and says “I’m so confused - does she want me to do XYZ or not? Why doesn’t she just say ‘I need you to do XYZ’?” French people just tell you what they want / think / need / expect - no polite / confusing waffling.

I’ve pointed out this difference many times to people. It is important, I am a Scot and therefore not from England any more than my Bavarian colleague is from Saxony in Germany. When I put it like that to people here in Germany, they absolutely get it.

But it's the culture. That's how we operate. It may be annoying but it's how it works. And the other person can frame themselves as the inferior and say 'I'm being a bit of an idiot today, I'm not getting what you mean, probably me, I'm not great at understanding people, do you want me to do X?' And then the first person says 'no no entirely my fault, I wasn't clear, what a fool I am, but if course you got it, I want you to do X. Sorry for just putting it out there like that [both laugh].' You can get to direct communication but you have to observe the bows and preliminaries first.

I lived in Japan for a couple of years and Japanese people (especially women) put British cultural norms of not saying what is meant in the shade. In Japan group harmony is paramount, and nobody says what they mean except in private conversation with good friends/ family.

It's ironic that someone was told up thread that British people don't say what they mean while studying Japanese in Sweden given Japanese cultural norms!