Mumsnet Village Hall - committee members and volunteers needed

[FavouriteMug]

I've got the keys and we've got the entire building to ourselves. There's a kitchenette with a large enough fridge for Gin (maybe milk if absolutely necessary).

I need committee members and volunteers to organise a packed social calendar.

On the agenda for first meeting:

The Mumsnet Play - we need to agree on the script and then we can start casting

Life Drawing Class - we need a subject and smocks of course

Cake and Gin night - cant decide which night but I think gin should be funded from play proceeds.

Hot Desk Space - those of us who work from home can come together once a week and pretend to be busy and important.

Excercise Class - but what? We don't actually need to turn up but it should at least appear on the calendar.

Book Club - I can't be arsed so someone else will need to volunteer for this.

So, whose in and what can you contribute?

Whoever suggested chocolate digestives for the stitch and bitch group must be out of their mind... you'll get your yarn mucky clean biscuits only please.
Can whoever is in charge of the heating make sure that the hall takes 50 billion hours to warm up, unless it's an exercise class when it will be desert temperatures, and also that the loos are located in the very coldest part of the building, you may need to add some sort of hidden freezer unit if you can't see your breath when you are peeing.

Local NCT want a Nearly New sale in the Spring.

@oxalisRed

What's wrong with "stitch and bitch"? Not as naice as knit and natter?

Although I might be switching to poetry and prosecco hic as long as it doesn't clash with the pottery group.

Has anyone sorted out the community garden round the back yet? So we can competitively grow the phallic vegs etc.

Ooh, We'll need to set up the Committee for the annual Horticultural Show during which there will be a highly contested battle between those seeking to be presented with the 1st ribbon for best lemon drizzle cake (with the eventual winner the subject of gossip for the next few years) and a nasty rumour that the grower of the largest parsnip in the Oversized Root Vegetable Category has stooped to underhand tactics.

Ok, well, if I can't leave i may as we make myself useful. Anyone for a cuppa? That should warm us all up. Now, there are some green cups here, will those be ok? Are there any vegans among us because I've only got cows milk. Unless someone can nip and get us some soya. Anyone have any allergies? The geyser is rattling a bit. Any clues anyone?

I see I’ve already been overruled on the use of the colloquialism ‘stitch and bitch’. I’m off to pin a cheery (read passive aggressive) memorandum to the notice board

Got someone on the phone asking if we accept bookings for childrens parties. What's our policy?

Could someone ask the toddler group to wipe everything down afterwards. Every door handle was sticky after last week's session and all the toilet seats were wet.

I love a bit of gardening. Can I volunteer to keep the immediate grounds looking healthy and nice?

Ill buy flowers and take the money from petty cash, but I dont want to consult anyone about it because they dont understand about gardening and seasons.

Children's party booking are for 1 hour 55 minutes exactly. No blue tack or sellotape to be used. No bouncy castles after the twisted ankle the previous caretaker suffered when he wouldn't get off. No yoghurt in tubes unless they pay the extra £35 deep cleaning fee.

Anything I've forgotten @Pollysshoe

Childrens parties -50% of hire charge at booking. The rest a week before - non refundable.

Extra charge for use of kitchen.

No candles on cake - Health & Safety.

What a breath of fresh air this thread is. Mumsnet brilliance, where have you been, you have been missed!...
I'll organise the litter pick... used condoms, weed bags and random underwear abound!

I'll be on the WI, we are very modern with burlesque dancing and eco campaigns, we will use most of the store room and fall out with the other groups though. You won't ban us because we do a brilliant cake stall and/or cocktail bar at any event.

Childrens Parties - we need a disclaimer that the committee are not responsible for unsuitability and criminal backgrounds of any children's .

Last committee chair not recovered from giving evidence at Kevin the Clowns trial.

Any childrens entertainers ! Or any children come to that !

Think you'll find the scouts have commandeered the storage, if you even try to open the door you'll have mildewed tents falling out on top of you. They won't listen.

Re: children's parties - the cleaner was most unhappy about the confetti over the floor after the last party as apparently it's a bugger to sweep up.

@Namechangeforthis88

Think you'll find the scouts have commandeered the storage, if you even try to open the door you'll have mildewed tents falling out on top of you. They won't listen.

They best not break my plant pots or use my tools, or there will be trouble. Last time Brian the leader knocked one of my pots over and I made him pay and write a note saying how sorry he was. Total disrespect for anyone else using the hall.

@Mumdiva99

Children's party booking are for 1 hour 55 minutes exactly. No blue tack or sellotape to be used. No bouncy castles after the twisted ankle the previous caretaker suffered when he wouldn't get off. No yoghurt in tubes unless they pay the extra £35 deep cleaning fee.

Anything I've forgotten @Pollysshoe

They're asking if it would be ok to have a travelling farm to entertain the kids.

After the incident with the miniature donkey at the nativity play, I'm guessing that's a no?

Can the Brownies have a sleepover in the hall next weekend please. They are earning their camp badges.

Can I please be in charge of 'looking at a mess in the hall with my hands on my hips saying "right" in a I'm-Not-Sure-What-I'm-Supposed-To-Be-Doing manner?' Perhaps with occasional 'exaggerated sigh' to keep things fresh?

@whatisheupto

Can the Brownies have a sleepover in the hall next weekend please. They are earning their camp badges.

We need to see the risk assessment and DBS details of those supervising.

Also we need to ensure that Brown Owl doesn't bring in a film again. She was likely she got away with a police caution .

So far you don't seem to have a treasurer.

I have experience in this field, so stupidly I'll agree to do it.

Yes, I need to have money paid into the bank account. No I don't accept cash through my letter box/stamps/Tesco vouchers/IOUs or foreign currency.

No, I won't be in at any point during the day when you fancy dropping by to give me masses of cash.

No I don't have random spare change for float for your event.

No I won't pay invoices before you send them.
No I don't give cash advances for your business plans.

NO, I WON'T SIGN CHEQUES IN ADVANCE SO YOU CAN BY-PASS DOUBLE SIGNATORY RULES.

No, I won't approve loans for things that haven't been approved by the committee even if you think they'll say yes in 2 months time at the next meeting.

Yes, I will approve laminating 10 copies of the plan of how the chairs are supposed to be stacked. (No this doesn't need committee approval- the chairs should be stacked properly)

I may also approve the cost of laminated copies of useful notices like 'don't drag chair across floor'

@Namechangeforthis88

Think you'll find the scouts have commandeered the storage, if you even try to open the door you'll have mildewed tents falling out on top of you. They won't listen.

They are allowed the storage because they have paid for the storage. 😀

We can raise funds by hiring out the stage risers/ speakers/gazebo/disco lights, therefore nobody will ever be quite sure where they are when needed or have a van to bring them back. Few more laminated labels should help.

@pollysshoe as long as they keep the goats away from the curtains and count out and in any reptiles. I will only say tarantula and Mrs Bigson's hat once. See above for additional deposit requirements.