Mumsnet Village Hall - committee members and volunteers needed

[FavouriteMug]

I've got the keys and we've got the entire building to ourselves. There's a kitchenette with a large enough fridge for Gin (maybe milk if absolutely necessary).

I need committee members and volunteers to organise a packed social calendar.

On the agenda for first meeting:

The Mumsnet Play - we need to agree on the script and then we can start casting

Life Drawing Class - we need a subject and smocks of course

Cake and Gin night - cant decide which night but I think gin should be funded from play proceeds.

Hot Desk Space - those of us who work from home can come together once a week and pretend to be busy and important.

Excercise Class - but what? We don't actually need to turn up but it should at least appear on the calendar.

Book Club - I can't be arsed so someone else will need to volunteer for this.

So, whose in and what can you contribute?

Don't let Fenella Ponsonby-Smythe (I remember when she was Fiona Smith) take over the tots ballet class. She's the worst type of stage mum, but her Arabella has as much chance of joining the Royal Ballet School as I have of piloting a space rocket.

@gildalily

Please could I request a large set of pale green ridged cups and saucers?

I had a set of these, also a teapot, sugar bowl and milk jug but gave them to the charity shop two house moves ago, thinking they were double retro and passé. Now of course they’re triple retro and desirable.

I am volunteering to run a cake stall, as long as I don’t have to “interact” with anyone.

Sign me up for the book club, as long as everyone gets a chance to say their 2 minutes worth (to be timed by a buzzer) and they do not go over their 2 minutes!

The Bookings Secretary needs to make sure that there's a half hour gap between bookings in order to avoid punch-ups between the pilates group and keep fit group. I'm not volunteering for the role because it's a pain in the arse!

I'll trim the hydrangeas out the front.

@Mumdiva99 I can help a group apply for funding to set that up

We need to hold monthly parish council meetings so we can complain about dog poo, pot holes, parking on grass verges and all the other important stuff.

When we spoke about book club at pickup last Thursday I was under the impression that * I * would be Committee Member in Charge of Book Club.

I have already ordered 24 copies of Ulysses in anticipation.

I am most put out and must say I am now considering a vote of no confidence in the Chairperson.

There’s a weird guy just turned up. Says he wants to run a yoni massage workshop. Can we squeeze him in on Tuesday?

@Shortpoet

I’ll also sort out the smell. That weird mixture that public buildings have of detol, sweat, urine, boiled cabbage, mildew and disappointment.

(I love that smell, reminds me of my childhood, between Brownies, flower shows, prize bingos, weddings & funeral teas).

Do we have Rainbows/ Brownies? I can do that.

I mean you can timetable him in by all means, but you know what will happen, don't you? Only men will turn up (for "educational" purposes, obviously ) and no women (I can't possibly think why ) so there won't be any yonis around to massage. Hopefully the workshop facilitator won't bother again after that, and the timeslot can be used by the gardening club from then on.

What's wrong with "stitch and bitch"? Not as naice as knit and natter?

Although I might be switching to poetry and prosecco hic as long as it doesn't clash with the pottery group.

Has anyone sorted out the community garden round the back yet? So we can competitively grow the phallic vegs etc.

@gildalily

Please could I request a large set of pale green ridged cups and saucers?

🤣

@RJnomore1 that's fabulous. I've seen the perfect package of costumes I want to hire....but it won't be cheap.

We also need to sort out a lighting rig and sound desk. I need a stage manager to liase with you....and volunteers - please send me your CV.

I'll organise the tuck shop if that's OK?

Can we squeeze him in on Tuesday?

^

Yoni can squeeze anytime yes yes

@oxalisRed

What's wrong with "stitch and bitch"? Not as naice as knit and natter?

Although I might be switching to poetry and prosecco hic as long as it doesn't clash with the pottery group.

Has anyone sorted out the community garden round the back yet? So we can competitively grow the phallic vegs etc.

Tell him we don't need yoni massage @Shortpoet

Tuesday is Poetry and Prosecco.

Can I be in charge of the car park attached to the hall ?

Limited parking spaces so just as the mother and toddler group is finishing the WI start coming in for bridge club.
Chaos reigns as the mums try and manoeuvre their 4 x4 around the sensible Honda jazz of the WI 🥱

Excuse me .....excuse me.....I think someone may be parking me in. Big 4x4, parked behind me?
Does anyone here drive a big 4x4 with a dog crate and push chair in the back? You've blocked my exit.
Hang on, if I can find a pen I'll draw a diagram...

Listen, I know I said "never again" when it comes to the role of the treasurer, bit I might be persuaded to step up to the plate again if there's the prospect of a clubbercise, or, dare I say, a regular ceroc night?

Ha Boris, you're the culprit. I knew it!

Can we have malted milk biscuits and anaemic orange squash please?

Did we decide on a subject for life drawing? Can it please not be Bernard again. I think we're all fully aware his motivations for volunteering aren't entirely artistic.

I'm happy to be the Facebook group moderator.

We obviously want free and open discussion on it, but I'm afraid I won't tolerate people disagreeing with me, so they'll find themselves blocked.

It's a thankless job, you should all be grateful I'm willing to take it on.