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Original poster

Anyone else the main earner and resentful?

142 replies

Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 13:38

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?

OP posts:
Pigletting · 09/01/2022 13:47

What does he earn and what do you earn? How many hours do you each work? Are you both happy in your respective jobs? And does your collective income allow you to afford the things you want?

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 13:52

I also think you need to clarify numbers here.

I now out earn my husband previously he put earned me, he’s a high earner in his own right though, i have no resentment.

So how much do you both earn, how do you manage your finances and what does he do?

CuteOrangeElephant · 09/01/2022 13:52

I feel the same. DH said no career is speaking to him, meanwhile I am stuck working 5 days a week in a career that I love but I want to drop down to 4 days and don't feel we can afford it.

It's not that he does nothing but I wish he did more.

Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 13:57

@Piglettinggood questions. I have no idea what he earns and I suspect neither does he. He has his own business. I do know he is never in a position to pay for say a meal out or contribute to extras such as a holiday. He does contribute to some bills.
I am a higher rate tax payer. We both enjoy our jobs. Our collective income does allow us to have a nice life, but obviously pretty much everything is paid for from my earnings. I know I should be seeing this as family money, and I do, but I am resentful that it mostly comes from me.
He has no pension or savings and it doesn’t seem to occur to him this might be a good idea.

OP posts:
Pugroll · 09/01/2022 14:00

It doesn't occur to him to save for his future as he will assume you'll carry on funding him. If it's not working for you then how you feel is valid, everyone's set up and what they're happy with is different so don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I outearn DH but we pay bills etc 50/50 then keep the rest in our own accounts which is what he wanted when he used to earn more.

RowRowRowYourBoat1 · 09/01/2022 14:04

I’m the main earner in our family. My husband is ambitious and works very hard but it’s the nature of our jobs that mine is paid over 3 times what his is. He does more stuff with the house and the kids. I love my job in general but feel like I’m currently in a very toxic work environment and stuck in this current job for the rest of my career (30+ Years). I resent that we can’t afford for me to drop a day or couldn’t afford for me to take unpaid mat leave or avail of unpaid parental leave because we couldn’t be able to pay our mortgage. It puts a lot of pressure on me.

tiredanddangerous · 09/01/2022 14:04

I find it really odd that you don't know how much he earns. Aren't you worried that he is stashing money away and letting you pay for everything unnecessarily?

Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 14:08

@Pugroll you are absolutely correct he does not worry as I have a good pension. However, there are many many women out there married to high earners who are the same and are supported in their approach.
I’m struggling with my resentment that he doesn’t earn well, when he absolutely could, and pretty much everything falls to me financially- yet if the genders were reversed no one batts an eyelid. I’m tired and not sure I’m making sense. Do high earning men feel resentment at female partners who choose to work less as a direct result of their partner income?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 14:09

Very very odd neither of you know what he earns. Doesn’t he do tax returns?

Jobseeker19 · 09/01/2022 14:09

I feel similar but I'm probably on a lower scale money wise.

My DH is self employed and does the school run tues/wed/Thursday as I'm working during those hours. He will have Monday and Friday off if he wants and finishes work at 1.30 on school run days.

He will say that he's going to work in the afternoon when I come back or on weekends but he rarely does.

And when I have a day off he will not work even though I can pick up the children.

He never has any money and is constantly broke. No meals out or even paying for his own coffee or lunch. He will go all day not eating until I come home or only eat if I'm buying when we're out.

He pays half the rent and uses the rest for tobacco, thats the only thing I see him buy. He is content to only earn enough to cover those two expenses.

I appreciate him doing the school run so that I can work and have put up with it but sometimes I want him to take me out. Or when we go shopping for him to have a desire to buy something. Its like shopping with a child.

Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 14:11

@tiredanddangerous no he’s definitely not stashing. As he’s self employed it’s always difficult to get figures from him but I think he earns around the £12k mark. His earning potential with his qualifications are much much higher.
@RowRowRowYourBoat1- you have hit the nail on the head with the feeling of pressure of everything falling to me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 14:12

So if he earns a grand a month what does he do with it?

lucillelarusso · 09/01/2022 14:13

I am incredibly resentful, bitter really. It's sad. I feel financially abused. His mother is exactly the same. I can't believe I have accepted it tbh.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2022 14:15

For me a lot would depend on how much he has taken a step back careerwise to enable you to focus on your career. If he has been carrying the mental load re kids, doing more housework and childcare then I think that is fair enough, and you should probably appreciate his unpaid contribution more. If not, then he is taking the piss.

Sparklfairy · 09/01/2022 14:18

He'll be doing his tax return in the next couple of weeks if he hasn't already. Id be asking to see it.

Even if he's "only" on 12k there's little to no tax or NI to pay, so a grand a month in his pocket... going where?

Dozer · 09/01/2022 14:23

So the problem isn’t that you earn more it’s that he earns a low wage, through choice. That’s v unfair and would be a dealbreaker for many.

Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 14:24

So to be completely fair to him he pays for his car, phone, kids sports, and bills. He will also pick up food as and when. His contribution to the bills is around £500 (partly because they are in his name and he never shops for a good deal, they could possibly be a bit less). So that pretty much takes up his £1k Aprox.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 14:27

@Dozer ‘ So the problem isn’t that you earn more it’s that he earns a low wage, through choice. That’s v unfair and would be a dealbreaker for many’

That’s literally it. However I can’t fathom if I’m justified in feeling resentful as pretty much all of the women where I live have done exactly this as their husbands are high earners

OP posts:
bantuknots · 09/01/2022 14:33

I just had a conversation about this with my sister yesterday who was in a similar situation to you!

My sister was the higher (and only) earner for years and never said anything to anyone as she didn't want people to judge her DH. Their situation was different as he had just come over from another country and was struggling to find work. However he just got into the habit of not working and eventually stopped looking for work all together. They have two kids together of primary school age so he'd do all the childcare whilst my sister went to work.

He'd also help around the house and pull his weight that way but his income was literally £0. My sister was telling me how she felt so resentful because there was so much pressure to be the sole earner for the family. Anything the kids needed or DH needed, she'd have to pay for it on top of general household bits and shopping. She'd be working 45hrs full time a week and wouldn't even have £35 spare to get her nails done. It was the cause to all of their arguments.

He's now finally got a job he really enjoys so both of them earn a decent wage and there's way less pressure on my sister's side. She nows sees things as equal and would like to eventually drop a day as her role is super stressful.

In your case OP, I don't think it'll get any better unless DH earns more. Whether that's through his business or by applying for a role that suits his ability/qualification. It sounds like he won't make the effort to change as he knows your finances are in a decent position and you're able to carry on looking after him. There's nothing worse than resentment as it gradually builds up. I think it's best to have a talk with him about how you're feeling as it's not fair all the pressure is on you. If it's a dealbreaker, let him know that you're not able to carry on like this in the long run.

I also think it's harder to accept as it sounds like he could potentially earn more but he's making a conscious choice not too. As opposed to him working in a low paid role but doing the best of his abilities

LethargicActress · 09/01/2022 14:36

Do high earning men feel resentment at female partners who choose to work less as a direct result of their partner income?

I think a lot probably do, and with wives who contribute a lot less than your DH financially. It’s not that no one bats an eyelid when the genders are reversed, I think it’s more that it’s not generally part of women’s conversation, but men have been well aware of the problem. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a contributing factor to so many men having affairs.

It’s been quite interesting to see a few threads a long the same lines as this from women recently, and it shows how men in stereotypical family roles have probably felt for a long time.

Twiglets1 · 09/01/2022 14:40

I’m not sure you are justified really - plenty of couples have a similar dynamic though normally it is the man working longer hours and paying more of the bills etc. If you’re not happy you obviously need to be vocal about that but I think you should think of it more like “your” money rather thin Mine or His.
That is how my husband and I have always approached our money and we only have a joint bank account. He put a lot more in when the children were younger and still does tbh as he’s the one more career oriented. But we are a team and I look after the house more and other things.

WakeUpLockie · 09/01/2022 14:41

feeling resentful as pretty much all of the women where I live have done exactly this as their husbands are high earners

I’m a SAHM. My husband doesn’t feel resentful, but it was a joint decision to save childcare costs etc, I didn’t just opt out to do nothing because I fancied it. My children are preschoolers and in primary and I am keen not to stagnate and start earning in a few years. I would find coasting and basically being lazy quite unattractive in a partner so don’t blame you if that’s what you are feeling right now.

Jewel1968 · 09/01/2022 14:43

What does he say when you ask him to contribute more financially (or get a better paid job)? Does he agree and then do nothing?

What do you think he would do if say you became too sick to work? Would he step up?

Do you think he lacks confidence or some other mental health thing makes him like this?

Do you think it's as simple as he won't bother because you bother for both of you?

You can only really change how you act not how they act. You can't make him get a better job. You can set it out clearly how you feel, the impact it's having but you can't MAKE him act. He needs an incentive.

Suggest you get counseling to help you navigate this so you find a way to communicate so that he hears and acts or you realise perhaps you need to move on.

AlexaShutUp · 09/01/2022 14:44

Do high earning men feel resentment at female partners who choose to work less as a direct result of their partner income?

Yes, I know many men who do resent it, but accept it because socially it is still seen as the norm for the man to be the main provider.

I get where you're coming from. I earn several multiples of my dh's income, and we could not manage on his earnings alone. There are complex reasons as to why he isn't able to earn more, and I don't resent him as such, but a more equal distribution of financial responsibility would undoubtedly be preferable for both of us. Being the sole/main provider does create a lot of pressure that might be hard to understand for those who haven't had to do it.

It is what it is, though. Resentment in a relationship is corrosive and shouldn't be left to fester. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your dh about how you feel. If he could earn more but won't, then you need to either decide to accept that or end the relationship. If there are reasons why he can't earn more, then it's a question of whether you can come to terms with that and whether there is anything else that he could do to help ease the burden on you.

Crinkle77 · 09/01/2022 14:45

Yes Lethargic no one seems to question it when it's the women staying at home.

Perhaps OPneeds to have a conversation with her DH about working more and how they'd split housework and childcare in that situation.