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Original poster

Anyone else the main earner and resentful?

142 replies

Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 13:38

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?

OP posts:
Borracha · 09/01/2022 14:45

I am in a similar situation. I think the part that bothers me is that me working my arse off and being ambitious and driven that enables him to sit back in his job. Sometimes when I get in from a manic day in the office (admittedly doing a job I love) and he tells me how he’s been on the golf course all afternoon, it pisses me off because I feel he never acknowledges that it’s my job/salary that enables him to do that.

But then his lack of dedication to his job means he’s at home a lot more and therefore does the majority of school pick ups, being in for workmen etc so I can’t complain in a way.

Eustonhalf · 09/01/2022 14:48

I find it odd and unlikely that he could suddenly become a high earner after years of sacrificing his career to run the home, allowing you to rise unimpeded by family responsibilities. That doesn't usually lead to being in a position to click your fingers and earn well.

TedMullins · 09/01/2022 14:50

I think many men do feel this way and personally, once kids are in school, I don’t think it’s on for one partner to remain at home or not earning. There are threads on here from women who have university age kids who potter about volunteering or doing hobbies while their husbands work and I think they’re taking the absolute piss (although it’s also possible their husbands do absolutely nothing life admin-wise and like having a maid). I agree your situation would generally be accepted if the genders were reversed. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable though, but I don’t think your husband necessarily is either if he does more childcare, contributes to bills and does his share. If you want to redress the balance though that’s totally valid and a conversation is needed.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 14:54

I think op you’re running into people who are in the same boat as your husband, so are defensive.

lucillelarusso · 09/01/2022 14:58

@Hottubtimemachine

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?
I think I am one if the few on this thread in the exact position you are OP. I also do all the parenting and all the emotional labour/life admin. He cleans, cooks and gardens. He acts as if the gardening is a huge chore but obviously loves it. I'm sick of him, utterly sick of him.
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 09/01/2022 15:05

Wait wait wait. Back up the truck a bit. You don’t KNOW what he earns?! When you’re married with kids?! I would say that is more of a problem than him being a slacker tbh. What does he say if you ask him?!

MrsKDB · 09/01/2022 15:09

I would feel resentful in this situation too. It’s a deeply unattractive trait in a partner.

Grida · 09/01/2022 15:09

Unless you need more money, I would be a bit careful about what you wish for. Presumably you will still have to work but you will also have to do a lot of unseen thankless tasks that the person who earns less tends to do. You won’t be able to justify not doing some of the boring, crappy jobs because you will no longer be the main supporter of the family. It might also change the power balance in your relationship which you may not like and may mean you have less independence.

Fridafever · 09/01/2022 15:12

It’s tricky isn’t it? I’m in a similar position. I’ll admit I sometimes feel a bit resentful when I think how if DP earned even 20-30k I could drop a day or retire earlier. I worry that if I lost my job we’d be pretty screwed. But then it’s not like he ever pretended he was ever going to earn much, he was a struggling artist when I married him and he remains one.

MapleMay11 · 09/01/2022 15:14

Do high earning men feel resentment at female partners who choose to work less as a direct result of their partner income?

Yes, some do. I know several men who have left for this reason and have chosen high earning women on similar salaries to theirs as their next partner.

CayrolBaaaskin · 09/01/2022 15:21

I resented carrying the lions share of the burden to financially support the family with my ex. We eventually broke up and that was a factor.

I do agree that we see it differently when a woman is not contributing financially and imo we shouldn’t unless the man is not prepared to do a fair share of the household or childcare.

Fridafever · 09/01/2022 15:22

The one that drives me mad on here is the trope that it’s only possible to earn well if you have a partner with no job or a low paid job. Therefore it’s essential that one person (usually the woman) must nobly not bother working for 20 years to facilitate DH’s important Big Job.

CayrolBaaaskin · 09/01/2022 15:24

@Grida - it is true that the main earner does tend to hold the power in a relationship especially if the other is a low or non earner. I am certainly wary of being that in a relationship.

CayrolBaaaskin · 09/01/2022 15:26

@Fridafever - agree. Many women do the same jobs as the mens «big important jobs» without a non working spouse. Funny that it’s only the men who can’t manage this.

D0lphine · 09/01/2022 15:26

I think that I'd be pissed off about his lack of transparency.

Who doesn't know what they earn? He needs to work it out. Just bad business not to know!

If the genders were reversed I think people would say that he probably does loads of household work that is unpaid and unseen by you and that his contribution is therefore greater than the £1k a month.

Could that be true?

Montecristocount · 09/01/2022 15:30

It’s interesting to hear from the other side as I’m the one who gave up work during the baby years and have recently gone back to work part time and earn a fraction of what DH does. From my perspective DH benefits from me being part time, as do the kids as I can do all the cleaning, sort kids activities, food shopping etc on my days off. There’s always a day I can wait in for workmen etc. I think I’d be a bit annoyed if DH started spouting how he earns more now. I definitely feel I pull my weight. If I worked full time we’d need to get a cleaner. Also evenings I’d have to go to the gym, whereas that’s done on my days off now and DH can go whichever evening suits him. I’m sure there are benefits to having him not in work full time OP.

Just10moreminutesplease · 09/01/2022 15:33

I think it’s a tricky one. You say it was fine when your children were small so presumably it was a situation that benefited both of you?

If him being a lower earner meant he did more of the childcare and housework, and this allowed you to concentrate on your career, then I think you’re unreasonable to complain now. This would mean that he facilitated you being a higher earner and was disadvantaged career wise because of it.

If he didn’t take on more of the childcare burden etc then your feelings are more understandable.

Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 15:39

@Just10moreminutesplease this is where I struggle a bit, he did do more of the childcare so I could justify the situation at the time. However, if I was a single parent or he worked as I would like him to I have no doubt I would still be in the same position now career wise.
I would have had to pay for the childcare he was providing yes but I would have still got where I am, my ambition and drive was not dependent on him ‘facilitating my career’.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 15:43

I’m not sure I understand your issue, so he pays fifty percent of what he earns into the joint pot. What percentage of what you earn do you pay and how much is your personal spending money each month?

FitAt50 · 09/01/2022 15:45

Seems a strange relationship when you have no idea what he earns and think its less than £12 a year?

Montecristocount · 09/01/2022 15:46

So did he do all the homeschooling last year? I can safely say I earned my keep just for those months alone Grin my DH would have struggled if he had to work and homeschool the kids at the same time.

Original poster
Hottubtimemachine · 09/01/2022 15:47

WRT his earnings, I don’t pore over his tax returns and neither does he look at mine. We both have our own business. However, I do know his income varies year on year but has never been more than £12k p.a
I don’t see why it’s so odd that I don’t know exactly what his business brings in. He doesn’t know what mine is either.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2022 15:50

I think you may be underestimating how carrying the mental load for kids can impact your capacity to do your own job as well as you want to. Your dp may not be responsible for your drive in your career, but people generally perform better at work when they have someone else to think about the other things.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want a fairer split of money, but I don't think you're dp's role in the family should be undervalued.

premium77 · 09/01/2022 15:50

@Montecristocount

It’s interesting to hear from the other side as I’m the one who gave up work during the baby years and have recently gone back to work part time and earn a fraction of what DH does. From my perspective DH benefits from me being part time, as do the kids as I can do all the cleaning, sort kids activities, food shopping etc on my days off. There’s always a day I can wait in for workmen etc. I think I’d be a bit annoyed if DH started spouting how he earns more now. I definitely feel I pull my weight. If I worked full time we’d need to get a cleaner. Also evenings I’d have to go to the gym, whereas that’s done on my days off now and DH can go whichever evening suits him. I’m sure there are benefits to having him not in work full time OP.
I find comments like this very odd.

How do you think parents that both have full time jobs manage to upkeep household tasks without hiring a cleaner? How do you think single mothers who work full time cope? Trust me your world wouldn’t fall apart if you returned to work full time (if the kids are at school ages).

I can absolutely see why the full time worker would become resentful that their OH doesn’t have to feel the stress of keeping a roof over everyone’s heads.

And if you think doing household chores and staying in the for builder is equal burden to that then you have no idea.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 15:51

I wouldn't like it and I don't think it's a good idea either way round, either for the relationships or the couple as individuals. Obviously it's fine when there are young kids but not afterwards.

Sit him down and say you aren't happy with it, and you want him to think about this and for you to agree something between you. He must have tax returns that tell you what he earns. If he is naturally lazy a job might be better than a business. Obviously if your kids are teens he might still have to do more parenting so allow for that.

It's a bit odd you don't know what the other earns, most couples would know. It makes it hard to manage joint finances when you don't.