Anyone else the main earner and resentful?

[Hottubtimemachine]

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?

@hottubtimemachine I think the issue here is was it jointly agreed that this situation works for the family unit and everyone in that unit. It sounds to me like you kinda fell into this arrangement that isn't what you want?

What does he say when you try and persuade him to earn more?

Do you think he would do something if you could not work for any reason (health etc ...).

Those of you that say you have a similar relationship where you are doing a role similar to OP's husband and think the contribution is fairly distributed - can I ask if you came to this arrangement together and agreed that as a unit this worked best for everyone. And, what would your reaction be if your partner now asked you to contribute more financially as the burden on them was too much?

Resentment does build in these situations OP. Work in the home is undervalued, but equally many women see leisure time and less stress as their right. You'll see lots of SAHM/part-timers on MN saying how much they love having leisure time to meet friends for coffee etc etc conveniently forgetting how they're being facilitated.

What does he say to you telling him about how stressed your are?

I spent many years trying to support my partner’s dreams, giving him time to study, feeling sorry for him because I had a career and he didn’t. 16 years down the line, he has changed his study path countless times and still earns pocket money. I do feel resentful but mostly because he isn’t respectful towards me. I am really glad that I am independent and don’t rely on his income. But, I also worried that I will be responsible for him forever which isn’t what I want. If he could stand alone I would have asked for a separation but I don’t know how he would survive without me and it worries me. I don’t want to look after him in my old age, but he has no close friends and no savings or pension. I just bury my head in the sand most of the time, but when I think about it, the situation freaks me out.

@BlusteringBoobies

I'm reading this thread with interest as I am the main earner but hold no resentment at all towards my DH so I'm trying to work out what is different in our relationship that means I'm more relaxed.

I earn roughly 3 times DH and really love my job. DH, by comparison sees his job as a means to pay the bills, isn't career focused or ambitious and doesn't really enjoy it.

I pay the majority of the bills including mortgage but am still left with more disposable income. But although we don't pool our money, we both see it as a family pot. DH pays only a handful of bills but is also a much more savvy saver than me and ferrets away a lot of his salary, whereas I don't save at all.

His savings have actually just paid for an extension. We don't keep tabs on who pays for what (mostly it's me that pays for meals out, family days etc). But I find it's usually my idea to do it whereas DH is happy to do something at home. Any big purchases always get discussed and will come out of the savings he accrues-he never dips in without a discussion and I know what's in those accounts.

I think we probably split household chores 50/50 but I do more childcare pick ups and take days off when needed-this is more to do with job flexibility though. I can almost chose my hours and have far more holiday.

Perhaps if we were struggling financially I would feel different but from your posts you say you aren't struggling (unless I've missed it) and he does do more around the house.

I can only conclude the main difference is perhaps attitude. My DH is very careful with money, always takes charge of switching for best deals, remortgaging etc, is the sole saver and does a lot of the house admin. I would say I do all family admin but we split the rest 50/50.

I think for me the telling comment is 'and I really love my job'. I don't, and I don't really have the option to change it as it would mean a drop in family income that is too significant

I have felt resentment when I had a partner at home and I was the breadwinner. It is a huge amount of pressure and meant i had to get back to running my own business 12 weeks after having a baby, while my now ex swanned around coffee shops. I was also doing the lion's share of housekeeping, commuting, food shopping.

"There might be a few jobs where it is necessary to have a partner "facilitating" in the background, but the reality is that those jobs are few and far between."

Totally disagree. Most big jobs don't give meaningful time for kids. Maybe in the sense that you can outsource childcare, but if you don't want the kids to spend more time with their nanny than their parents, it REALLY helps to have one parents SAH or PT.

@AlexaShutUp

I agree that the whole idea of one partner "facilitating" the other's career gets massively over-egged on here.

Pre-pandemic, my DH would typically spend around 3 months of each year overseas. Yes, I'd have to pick up more of the domestic burden when he wasn't around, but it really wasn't that big a deal and I am not in any doubt that my career would have been in the same place now if I had been a single parent or if he had had a "bigger" job. There might be a few jobs where it is necessary to have a partner "facilitating" in the background, but the reality is that those jobs are few and far between.

For example, jobs where you have to spend 3 months per year overseas.

@bettyboodecia but I imagine it would not help if the burden (psychological or financial) on the individual in formal paid work was such that it was causing them problems e.g. health. I really think this is all about agreement. If a couple agree it doesn't matter what you do. You are doing whatever is best. The problem comes when one is unhappy with the situation

I have friends and family members (Male and Female) who have been in same situation as OP (or worse situation) and in each case it has not ended well.

[quote Jewel1968]@bettyboodecia but I imagine it would not help if the burden (psychological or financial) on the individual in formal paid work was such that it was causing them problems e.g. health. I really think this is all about agreement. If a couple agree it doesn't matter what you do. You are doing whatever is best. The problem comes when one is unhappy with the situation[/quote]
I agree. I know some couples where one has focused on work, the other on home, and it's worked really well. On the other hand, I know a couple of mums with demanding jobs where the SAHD has ended up not pulling their weight on the home front.

For example, jobs where you have to spend 3 months per year overseas.

Well, yes, it might be tricky if that applied to both parents unless they could work their schedule around each other, but the fact is, DH travelling a lot didn't hold me back in my career in the slightest, and he didn't need me to be a SAHP or doing a little PT job in order to get on with what he needed to do either.

So my point stands.

@throaway I think you're right and I'm lucky to have a job I enjoy, with a lot of flexibility and added perks like lots of holiday etc.

Interestingly I just asked DH what he thought we'd do if I suddenly stopped enjoying my job or had to go part time for whatever reason.

After a short discussion we agreed we'd use our savings to support while I retrained or took some time out to decide what to do. Or if I wanted to go part time, DH has said he'd also look for a different job and add to his qualifications (he can add more certifications which would mean more money and a promotion but it's in his area of work he hates the most so currently not interested in pursuing).

So I guess I would still say it comes down to attitude and a bit of give and take depending on the circumstance. I don't feel that he relies on me or taken advantage of because I don't think he 'expects it', we just happen to be fortunate that I earn what I do and enjoy it.

I think it's easy to say in retrospect that you could have achieved the same career whether or not you had your dh at home. Maybe, but it would have been undeniably harder. The fact is you did have him home and you benefited from that, so it seems unfair to complain now that you don't have anything to gain from it anymore.
For me, whether you are being reasonable or not hinges on whether he is taking on a lot of the mental load or if he's doing very little and you are getting home and still having to organise and keep track of everything.
Yes, being the main earner is stressful, but maybe that's offset somewhat by having someone who can take primary responsibility for child care in school holidays and sick kids etc.

@Aderyn21

I think it's easy to say in retrospect that you could have achieved the same career whether or not you had your dh at home. Maybe, but it would have been undeniably harder. The fact is you did have him home and you benefited from that, so it seems unfair to complain now that you don't have anything to gain from it anymore. For me, whether you are being reasonable or not hinges on whether he is taking on a lot of the mental load or if he's doing very little and you are getting home and still having to organise and keep track of everything. Yes, being the main earner is stressful, but maybe that's offset somewhat by having someone who can take primary responsibility for child care in school holidays and sick kids etc.

Meh, to be fair I could have paid for it, and achieved the same, most men and women are the same.

Buying in help is very expensive though, especially if you need childcare outside of normal working hours. Not sure everyone could afford to buy in help or house a nanny even with 2 ft working parents.

Meh, to be fair I could have paid for it, and achieved the same, most men and women are the same.

I mean, you can pay for childcare, but you can't generally pay for someone to plan dinner, look after sick dc, keep track of dentist appointments, birthday parties, whether school shoes fit, what dc are going to wear for world book day, whether the dc have change for a cake sale etc.

The mental load shouldn't be underestimated.

This all becomes much worse in the case of a divorce. As the higher earning spouse, you may end up handing over a sizeable chunk of assets and pensions to your DH - who will be able to demonstrate lower earning ability.

I would definitely see what can be done to equalise earnings/pensions now before this resentment becomes worse.

For example, jobs where you have to spend 3 months per year overseas.

My husband goes away at a moment's notice and goes away for 4-6 months every 18-24 months. I'm still the higher earner by quite some margin. "Facilitating" his career hasn't meant me needing to hold back on mine.

@Aderyn21

I think it's easy to say in retrospect that you could have achieved the same career whether or not you had your dh at home. Maybe, but it would have been undeniably harder. The fact is you did have him home and you benefited from that, so it seems unfair to complain now that you don't have anything to gain from it anymore. For me, whether you are being reasonable or not hinges on whether he is taking on a lot of the mental load or if he's doing very little and you are getting home and still having to organise and keep track of everything. Yes, being the main earner is stressful, but maybe that's offset somewhat by having someone who can take primary responsibility for child care in school holidays and sick kids etc.

He didn't take primary responsibility for childcare in holidays, sick kids etc. We shared it, but tbh, being in a more senior role inevitably meant that I had much more flexibility than he did so I ended up doing more of this stuff.

He didn't carry more of the mental load either. Most of the time, he was working full time and just earning much less. He did have a short period when he was at home and another short period when he was part time, but we both agreed that there was no real benefit to us as a family in that arrangement.

@user5656555

For example, jobs where you have to spend 3 months per year overseas.

My husband goes away at a moment's notice and goes away for 4-6 months every 18-24 months. I'm still the higher earner by quite some margin. "Facilitating" his career hasn't meant me needing to hold back on mine.

Exactly the same situation here!

Me! He had a decent job before we had kids but decided when our son was 6 months old to jack it all in to be a SAHD.
Youngest is 8 now and he's worked about a year in 10 years.

He has a property left to him which mortgage free and provides some income. This has made him lazy quite frankly.
It's propping us up as a second income but if he were working it would basically solve a lot of our money worries and we could save and plan a lot more. For example I'd have liked to move to a bigger house by now and not live hand to mouth.

He knows he had to sort it out this year or it'll be the thin edge of the wedge between us.

@VitaminA

I think situations like the OP's show that we haven't yet arrived at true equality between the sexes. Women still generally expect men to earn more than they do, or at least the same amount, and if they don't then they're lazy/financially abusive/gold diggers. Just imagine if men dared call their SAH wives any of those names.

Op I think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do because presumably you believe in equality between the sexes. But I suppose most women in your position would feel the same.

I agree with this there are some major societal stereotypes on this thread.

For a minute imagine a man posted the exact same thing as OP. He would be toast.

My OH out earns me by a lot I know he feels resentful at times but he's a contractor so the gravy train could end at any time and he will have to get a lesser paid permanent job. I have increased my earning power looking at getting a promotion , since I have been earning more I'm not sure he likes it my job is always around , stable and there's a always a need for more of us. I have noticed money = power dynamics in relationships I might not ever be loaded but I will be ok be able to afford a small mortgage, holidays and treats on my own. The dynamics have definitely changed since I have began to earn more money I definitely expect my OH to do more and help.

@sanbeiji

Resentment does build in these situations OP. Work in the home is undervalued, but equally many women see leisure time and less stress as their right. You'll see lots of SAHM/part-timers on MN saying how much they love having leisure time to meet friends for coffee etc etc conveniently forgetting how they're being facilitated.

What does he say to you telling him about how stressed your are?

Exactly this

If he's not earning enough from his business to pay a reasonable proportion of your joint out comings he doesn't have a business he has a hobby.