Anyone else the main earner and resentful?

[Hottubtimemachine]

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?

I've also told my OH he's not allowed to work away anymore even if he has to take a pay cut. When he worked away last time my career took a hit because I wasn't able to work any unsociable hours which is part and parcel of what I do because DD needed picking up from childcare.

I'm unwilling to sacrifice my career for him any longer.

@VitaminA @youtown I wholeheartedly disagree. You're assuming that everyone thinks it's good to have one partner at home, whilst I agree IF you choose to have a partner at home more it shouldn't matter which, but I'm of the opinion (depending on the situation I appreciate it's hard to talk generally) that a family functions very well with both parents working full time, I don't see it as a negative, it creates the most security for the parents as individuals and is good for children financially and socially (if the parents are splitting things fairly at home too). Therefore, if my DH decided he wanted to step back to do more at home I'd be wholly opposed as I don't think it's necessary, we are on top of everything and I'd begrudge the loss of income. He would say exactly the same if I wanted to scale it back. It's not a sex issue in my opinion.

@youtown I don't think it would be any different if a man was saying what the OP is saying. Fundamentally if one party in a partnership feels they are contributing more there will be resentment. The 'more' can be anything e.g. financial, childcare, cooking, admin etc ...

The key is teamwork and reaching a consensus. And keeping talking so that you know when one is feeling the pressure more and something has to change.

A friend of mine's DH down graded to a minimum wage job when he moved into her house as he didn't want the stress of managing other people. She pays the majority of bills, he pays for food. She has an average salary.The rest of his wage goes on the pub and smoking. He has no assets of his own.

I did try to warn her at the time. She didn't listen and ended up marrying him. She's now worried about her lack of pension for retirement although she will get a reasonable inheritance when her remaining parent passes but not enough to support the two of them.

I do think these situations evolve from the honeymoon years into a situation that is very hard to reverse. I see the resentment leaking out sometimes but getting someone who is very comfortable with the setup to suddenly step up is impossible without drastic measures. Divorce would now leave her even worse off.

My dh got too ill to work and he was at home full time when ds was about 8 to when he was 14, at which point he took his own life.

I didn't resent him, obviously - he did what he could and mostly I just felt bloody relieved that I had a job with reasonable pay that we could live on. He was superb at budgeting and took his childcare and home responsibilities very seriously, though some of them were clearly almost too much for him and he didn't reach a minimum standard in some at times. He didn't do any of what you might call the social side of parenting - taking ds to school, birthday parties, playdates or facilitating friendships, volunteering around activities. He did take ds to activities when he was well enough.

I found it extremely hard sometimes

I think what seems to be happening here is that you don't feel

cont.

that your dp is doing everything that he can, and you don't agree with his goals. Your marriage and your dp are unique and there's nobody on this site who will meet all the standards all the time. I hope you can talk about your mutual goals and objectives for your marriage and perhaps press the reset button.

The issue wasnt quite the same for me, but this is what I did.
I told xx that he wasnt on the same page with something as me, he also chose not to meet me halfway on the issue. So I was going to act like him on an issue. I was going to do x y and z like him.
He asked if it was revenge I said no, and I repeated that we were not on the same page and we needed to be.
It has solved the problem. He was forced to look at his own actions, and now realises that he didnt want two people acting like himself! So he has met me at least halfway if not more.

Like you a situation had changed, life had changed.
The situation/issue could not carry on just like it always had.

My DP earns a decent salary but chooses to work PT. I out earn him multiple times over. We couldn’t both do full on jobs with small DC plus travel and my role had more potential so it made sense. Now DC are that bit older it’s not strictly necessary and is more a lifestyle choice. I (used to) love my job and didn’t resent it as ultimately it made our family life easier and it was a team effort. As it became far less enjoyable I made it clear we’d be swapping at some point. I’ve since left to take a sabbatical and may/not go back depending on a few things. My expectation is if I’m unable/unwilling then he steps up.

It sounds to me like it’s not the disparity in pay, it’s the lack of team working that is your issue. The whole family has to agree on ambition and lifestyle, whichever end of the scales those are. I personally believe in being a productive human being and whilst nice to have hobbies and volunteer, not cool to put the whole strain on one person if they’re saying they want to share the load whilst maintaining a certain lifestyle.

I think many people do believe it's better for DC to have a parent care for them, give them time and prioritise their needs.

In that case someone needs to work part time or shifts and sacrifice their career. And therefore earn less.

@LordoftheDanceSaidHe

I think many people do believe it's better for DC to have a parent care for them, give them time and prioritise their needs.

In that case someone needs to work part time or shifts and sacrifice their career. And therefore earn less.

Yes, some people do believe that and presumably arrange their lives accordingly. In those scenarios, it would indeed be sexist to assume that the male partner should provide while the female partner should shoulder the majority of the childcare and domestic work.

However, there are many of us who don't see that as the ideal set up at all (regardless of which parent takes which role), and who believe that a more balanced division of responsibilities is the ideal that we should be aiming for. And for those people, there is nothing remotely sexist about wanting a man to pull their weight financially. It isn't about expecting them to live up to old fashioned stereotypes, it's about sharing all of the responsibilities equally. A woman would be equally expected to pull her weight financially, and both partners would be expected to do their fair share of the domestic stuff too.

I'm absolutely in the same position, and I do resent it, but also feel trapped as I don't see how he can fully support himself if we split. And it's not a case of him facilitating my career either, my kids are teens now, but when they were little it was very much about his job, and I had to work around it - luckily mine was flexible and I could work full time with a good chunk from home, so I was always with the kids, could do school holidays, but I was always the one juggling, but still managed to move up and build a great career. Now I earn over $200k more than him, and still seem to be the one with more flexibility (mainly because I'm in charge and have made it that way). He has had senior / well paid roles, but has stepped back and back, and while he does work full time, he's not prepared to step up and have any kind of stress or accountability.

I can't help feel that even if he'd just stayed where he was 5 years ago, how much better off and easier life would be than now. We moved country 10 years ago so we have started our pensions / mortgages and savings for kids from scratch again.

How do you not know what he earns? Do you have completely separate money? This sounds so complicated when you are married especially because you might be entitled to tax breaks etc?

@Katieandthekids- see my post above. He’s self employed so income varies year on year. I have a ballpark figure.
I’m not entitled to any tax breaks as my income is too high, our accountants have checked this. His income is so marginal I don’t really factor it, but that’s my point really. I would like him to contribute more.

@Hottubtimemachine do you think you have been explicit with your DH? Do you think he truly knows/understands that you want him to contribute more? Have you said it clearly enough?

@bettyboodecia

"There might be a few jobs where it is necessary to have a partner "facilitating" in the background, but the reality is that those jobs are few and far between."

Totally disagree. Most big jobs don't give meaningful time for kids. Maybe in the sense that you can outsource childcare, but if you don't want the kids to spend more time with their nanny than their parents, it REALLY helps to have one parents SAH or PT.

But those ‘big jobs’ ARE far and few in between at a population level. Having worked for large companies we’re talking Managing Director level.

So many men’s ‘big jobs’ turn out to be some sort of middle management on 50K at most. Big compared to their min wage partner but in the grand scheme of things not a ‘big job’.

Of course if childcare is more expensive it may make more sense for lower earning partner to stay home but that’s separate to the big job argument

Yes, the "big jobs" which really need someone at home in a "facilitating" role are truly few and far between. Perhaps it suits some men to leave their wives to pick up all of the domestic shit, but if they wanted to have a better work life balance, most of them could. I'm a CEO. I work hard, but I still have plenty of time for my family because I make time. To be honest, most of the other CEOs that I know do the same, both male and female. Many of us see modelling a good work life balance as an essential aspect of creating a positive, sustainable organisational culture.

Well, if you made plans for the future eg when you would like to retire, money to save for uni fees etc you could come up with reasons for him earning more - you don't say what age your DCs are, if their needs are fully covered, or if in the future they will need money spent on them which as yet you don't have or need to save.
Put in a plan and limit how much of your wages are spent - then demand more from him.

We live in a country where good childcare provision is patchy, and expensive. And where employers want maximum effort from employees without giving much flexibility for peoples personal lives (be that childcare or other caring responsibilities) in return. We've all seen what's it's like just when trying to book holiday time off work - the stress of trying to cover the summer or everyone wanting Christmas off! There isn't a culture in a lot of jobs of working office hours and then properly clocking off - even in 50k middle management roles. You do need to earn a lot and live in specific areas (or have lots of family support) to buy in a level of help that makes it totally worthwhile to prioritise both partner's jobs equally. And it can be hard for years until the kids get a bit older.
It's not really surprising that many families don't want to be or can't afford to be buying in enough help to keep life easier. And conclude it's better if one partner does pt or sah.

I actually think it's easier to carve out time when you are the CEO (who isn't easily replaceable) than the middle manager (who is).

@Aderyn21 I think the crux really is about agreement. Sure, one person stays at home but it needs to be agreed. And at any point when the arrangement isn't working you need to be able to have a conversation and change to new arrangements. The problem is that for some reason that conversation is hard or doesn't happen or doesn't achieve anything. That's the issue I think.

I do no agree that both parties have to be in agreement. It's just that too often one party enjoys the benefits of having a sah partner but when it's no longer in their interests tends to forget that they benefited. Or expects sahp to do a 'little job' that still fits around the school run and enables them to do most of the domestic shit work. If having one partner sah no longer suits them, then there needs to be recognition that the sahp will need support to retrain and also not to be financially disadvantaged more than the wohp by what was a joint decision. If sahp returns to work then wohp has to accept that both jobs are now equally important and can't expect previous sahp to drop everything and continue to do all the looking after of sick kids home from school and holiday childcare.

Too often they want two incomes but aren't willing to pick up their 50% of everything else and still want to carry on as before with previous sahp both working and continuing to take on most of the domestic responsibilities.

I do agree, sorry. Don't know where that random 'no' came from!

@Aderyn21

I actually think it's easier to carve out time when you are the CEO (who isn't easily replaceable) than the middle manager (who is).

Sure, but I haven't always been a CEO.

I don't kmow Joe people can be married and yet not so wealthy they don't worry about money! But don't know what's going on with their own fiancé's.

We have a joint account, in there is a fund for dc school clothes /clothes /school costs eg lunch etc.
Then another saving fund for emergency.
We both pay monthly into these.
Dh wage pays for bulk of bills then he transfers exact amounts into our other banks account with different provider for, Xmas and holidays. We both contribute to these.

Then in my personal bank account I have a fund for food and dc clubs /tutors.

I pay for food and most of the clubs he makes small contributions.