Anyone else the main earner and resentful?

[Hottubtimemachine]

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?

I don’t see why it’s so odd that I don’t know exactly what his business brings in. He doesn’t know what mine is either

Most couples know what the other brings in and sort their finances accordingly. It’s very unusual for a married couple to not know what the other earns.

@Bluntness100i don’t think it’s unusual when income is variable via self employment. We both have a ballpark understanding.

My point was having one person at home does make life easier though for all involved. OP says they have a nice life on her income. More money would obviously mean less free time for them both. I guess I was trying to say that having one person at home part time can work better than having everyone working full time and being super busy all the time. And maybe OP hadn’t appreciated everything her DH took care of during the week meaning it frees up the weekend.

Definitely. I've been the main earner for a few years, DH was running a business (barely any profit for 4 years) then off sick with poor mental health (partly stress of running a business, I'm sure!).
He does cook dinner most nights, does some washing up and all the 'dad taxi' runs for the DCs. Still doesn't do much around the house, but that's partly mental health and partly because I used to be SAHM to begin with and we got in the habit of me doing everything (when I was young and naive and hadn't become the grumpy middle aged feminist I am now!).

I work 5/6 days a week, 3 jobs and do all the financial planning. When I was studying, a few years ago, I was doing matched betting and made 30k in a few years, most of which has been used to prop up our finances while he wasn't earning much. I'd planned to use it as a house deposit...

I try not to be resentful, because it isn't helpful and it makes me unhappy. DH obviously isn't happy either, though I do feel he doesn't make as much of an effort to get well or earn money as he would if he didn't have me propping him up. We had benefits for years and I feel like they made it okay to earn barely anything, because the tax credits were very generous. I worked hard to get us off that, because it felt like a trap. But now I'm left with working full-time, running the house and being really tight for money trying to support 5 of us...

I think you need to be on the same page financially, and if you're not it always breeds resentment and does not make for a good partnership.

When I was married we were equally ambitious and built up our own business to fund the lifestyle we wanted. The problems that lead to our divorce were never financial, we were definitely on the same page, and even now we're divorced our income comes from the same business. We pay ourselves equal amounts but because my rent is more than his mortgage, and we share 50/50 custody, xh pays for my vehicle to balance things out. Unless you can talk about this and resolve it I just don't see how you can continue in the marriage, things will only fester and get worse

[quote Hottubtimemachine]@Bluntness100i don’t think it’s unusual when income is variable via self employment. We both have a ballpark understanding.[/quote]
Spot on. My salary is about 11k pa but I pay myself dividends as and when I need to, so I (& DP) don't know from one year to the next what my income is. I also don't know for sure what his income is as he gets bonuses - I know that it's above a certain figure.

I agree that the whole idea of one partner "facilitating" the other's career gets massively over-egged on here.

Pre-pandemic, my DH would typically spend around 3 months of each year overseas. Yes, I'd have to pick up more of the domestic burden when he wasn't around, but it really wasn't that big a deal and I am not in any doubt that my career would have been in the same place now if I had been a single parent or if he had had a "bigger" job. There might be a few jobs where it is necessary to have a partner "facilitating" in the background, but the reality is that those jobs are few and far between.

FWIW, I don't know exactly what my DH earns either. Not because he is secretive about it - I've seen his tax returns before. However, his income is variable and it is fairly negligible in the context of our household finances, so it isn't something that I have particularly prioritised looking into.

If he is earning less than £12,570? If so has be used the Marriage allowance to switch some of his personal tax allowance to you?

Does he have savings to
Contribute towards bigger purchases?

Does he do the "family" thinking. / planning or is that falling to you as well?

Communication is key here. If one partner is bringing in the majority of the family income, these needs to be agreed by BOTH partners.

I’m the sole earner in our family and have been for around a year. Before this DH earned a decent wage, although I’ve always earned slightly more than him. He took voluntary redundancy from his job as he hated it and was struggling with his mental health, with the idea that he’d start his own business, but to be honest he hasn’t really tried. He’s done a few small pieces of work but he’s barely made enough to cover the start up money we put in. He does do all of the childcare (1 DC at primary school) so we have no childcare costs which is helpful, he also does most of the housework, although we have a cleaner and I have to remind him to do the washing sometimes.

I do feel slightly resentful. I don’t really mind being the sole earner as I have a decent income and we don’t go without anything, but I don’t feel DH has adjusted his mindset at all to the fact that we’re now a single income household and still wants to spend like we did before, buying whatever he wants (and he has very expensive tastes) left right and centre. I tried to make things fair by allocating us both the same amount of personal spending money each month - but all that happens now is he sees his personal spends as for him to do whatever he wants with (buy clothes and gadgets mostly) while I have to pay for every single meal or day out from my personal spends. That’s what I resent really, more than him not working it’s his inability to manage money well and adjust his mindset.

I’m hoping it’ll be a fairly short term thing as he’s recognised that his business is unlikely to go anywhere and is talking about looking for another job soon. I don’t mind if he gets a part time job at the supermarket but I’d like him to be contributing financially in some way, however small.

I don't understand how people don't know exactly what they earn. I do earn more than my husband but overall both incomes give us a good wage. His mental health has taken a battering so now I have a promotion then he can reduce his hours slightly or get a less stressful job. It's a marriage after all.

What I think is annoying, is that other women on your salary, would have dhs on similar, if not more, and their standard of living would be much higher than yours. Yet you are all still doing the same work.

What would happen if you cut out hols, meals out and treats? Would that encourage him to earn more? What makes my blood boil is people who have older teens, are STILL at home and who are able to have hols, meals out etc, while earning minimum money. If they were in a flat by themselves, living off the reduced money, they would not be able to afford the hols etc by themselves.

I earn a bit more than dh. I know damn well that I would not have meals out, hols unless I pay myself. DH has no interest and would be happy to never go anywhere.

Yes

Haven't RTFT but in answer to the OP yes I am the higher earner. DH and I work in the same field and qualified around the same time (he is also older) but I earn quite a lot more.

I think he relies on me and is quite laid back about money because he knows he has a safety net.

He is a lot more carefree about money than he was when he was single:

I was the main earner in my previous marriage. I also did all the housework and cooking. XH worked sporadically, did some childcare, sorted the car and garden and did a bit of DIY.

I can safely say that I resented the hell out of him and our marriage ended as a result. He was a hard worker and had a good job when I met him but after losing his job he got used to be at home and being supported.

This is an interesting thread as most threads on this issue about SAHMs complaining that their DHs "only" work and provide and don't help around the house.

I think situations like the OP's show that we haven't yet arrived at true equality between the sexes. Women still generally expect men to earn more than they do, or at least the same amount, and if they don't then they're lazy/financially abusive/gold diggers. Just imagine if men dared call their SAH wives any of those names.

Op I think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do because presumably you believe in equality between the sexes. But I suppose most women in your position would feel the same.

£12k isn’t a business, it’s a hobby.

@VitaminA

I think situations like the OP's show that we haven't yet arrived at true equality between the sexes. Women still generally expect men to earn more than they do, or at least the same amount, and if they don't then they're lazy/financially abusive/gold diggers. Just imagine if men dared call their SAH wives any of those names.

Op I think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do because presumably you believe in equality between the sexes. But I suppose most women in your position would feel the same.

It's perfectly possible to believe in equality between the sexes while also wanting your partner to pull their weight financially.

Lots of men do feel the same as the OP about being the main breadwinner, and many of them are quite vocal about this.

@VitaminA

I think situations like the OP's show that we haven't yet arrived at true equality between the sexes. Women still generally expect men to earn more than they do, or at least the same amount, and if they don't then they're lazy/financially abusive/gold diggers. Just imagine if men dared call their SAH wives any of those names.

Op I think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do because presumably you believe in equality between the sexes. But I suppose most women in your position would feel the same.

A lot of men would think a woman earning £12k a year with no provision for the future was lazy and not adding much financially to the relationship. Regardless of the sex these arrangements are only fair and work if both are in agreement.

I'm the main earner in our house (125k vs 25k) and while I'm ok with it generally there are times I get a bit resentful if I'm totally honest.

He doesn't really have the potential to earn a great deal more as he had to leave work due to depression and took a much lower paid role, but he's happy in it which is the main thing.

We pay bills etc proportionally, but obviously given the salary discrepancy it means I cover the majority of all of our spending

We are very fortunate that we don't have money worries because of my salary, but we do still need to think about it because I often hit my overdraft before pay day (thanks to a big SE mortgage on our small 3bed semi)

More importantly I'm the one that does all of the thinking about money, and that is what I resent. It would be good for him to take some of that on, as I have a LOT of anxiety about what would happen if I lost my job or got sick, as we couldn't even cover the mortgage payment with his salary.

It depends on the wider picture. The totality of work is financial, domestic, child rearing, mental load should be shared. This will change depending on your views on childcare and how hands on parents you want to be and how much you want to defer to child care. But if you want that someone, your DH here, does have to sacrifice career and earnings.

I worked part time when DC were small because we collectively wanted to DC to be raised by us, so one of us was at the school gate etc. This was me for 15 years. Obviously my career was impacted by that although I've earned well in that period. I'd hate DH to turn round and resent that.

As DC are older I'm trying to pick up my career but it is harder and I generally still run things at home. My DH I hope understands I've done my best to juggle and earn as much as I can under the circumstances.

I should add that he works damn hard in his job and is full time, it's just a not very well paid job. There is also no disparity in the household stuff, we are pretty even there (including the mental load stuff), he sorts his own family presents at Christmas and birthdays. So there really is nothing else to resent at all, it's just that I carry the weight of of the 'what if' on my shoulders and he doesn't!

I'm reading this thread with interest as I am the main earner but hold no resentment at all towards my DH so I'm trying to work out what is different in our relationship that means I'm more relaxed.

I earn roughly 3 times DH and really love my job. DH, by comparison sees his job as a means to pay the bills, isn't career focused or ambitious and doesn't really enjoy it.

I pay the majority of the bills including mortgage but am still left with more disposable income. But although we don't pool our money, we both see it as a family pot. DH pays only a handful of bills but is also a much more savvy saver than me and ferrets away a lot of his salary, whereas I don't save at all.

His savings have actually just paid for an extension. We don't keep tabs on who pays for what (mostly it's me that pays for meals out, family days etc). But I find it's usually my idea to do it whereas DH is happy to do something at home. Any big purchases always get discussed and will come out of the savings he accrues-he never dips in without a discussion and I know what's in those accounts.

I think we probably split household chores 50/50 but I do more childcare pick ups and take days off when needed-this is more to do with job flexibility though. I can almost chose my hours and have far more holiday.

Perhaps if we were struggling financially I would feel different but from your posts you say you aren't struggling (unless I've missed it) and he does do more around the house.

I can only conclude the main difference is perhaps attitude. My DH is very careful with money, always takes charge of switching for best deals, remortgaging etc, is the sole saver and does a lot of the house admin. I would say I do all family admin but we split the rest 50/50.

Earning 12k isn't really a successful business. It's not even minimum wage if he's working full time and putting a lot of effort into it. He'd be better getting a job.

I out earn my dh, but it wasn't always that way. He out earned me until about 5 years ago. He supported me through my doctoral training which has paid off. We are a team and do what's best for our family.

I guess the issue is you want him to work smarter not harder. He could easily get a job that pays double or triple not doing more hours, take the pressure off you. Why doesn't he?

Sometimes. Mostly I'm proud of myself, and in 3-4 months my DH may become a sah dad. (I out earn him 10 to 1)

That being said there are days where I wish I didn't have to work. I could keep busy easily just 'living' and being less stressed so then I feel a tad resentful. But it's passing. I couldn't imagine ever relying on a man for money. Thought makes me feel ill.