Anyone else the main earner and resentful?

[Hottubtimemachine]

My DH has potential to earn a decent living but doesn’t. I think because I am a high earner there is no motivation, drive or pressure to do so. When our children were small it was fine but they are older now and I’m resentful. He does more around the house than me so definitely pulling his weight but I feel like my only purpose in our family is to provide the cash. I’m resentful. I’ve talked to him and explained I would like him to contribute more financially, nothing changes. Has anyone been in a similar position and resolved it?

We can both clearly see how much we have to spend at Xmas, holidays, children's stuff and so on.
I know exactly how much I have for food each month..i know exactly how much we have to spend each weekend.

We're not wealthy but we don't have to worry about money on a regular basis. I know what my salary is, and I know that it's more than enough to cover our outgoings. DH's income is variable but not significant enough for me to put the time and energy into monitoring it.

As I said above, it isn't a secret. He would tell me if I asked. I just don't feel the need to ask because it doesn't make that much difference.

Would it be different if your husband was the high earner and you was earning 12k a year? I imagine so.

Who are you asking @LondonQueen?

I earn more now. When he earned more we split bills 50.50. I had two jobs and when my main one made me redundant, he was like how will you pay your half
I managed to find another job.
Fast forward to marriage, house kids. If we split 50.50 I'd have lots more left and hed be in debt so we get paid into one account now. I do resent him sometimes. He could do overtime and I'd love to drop a day per week but we cant afford that with the way things are. I do find myself sat on my phone while he rallies after the kids more though...and he does the ironing. Theres no way I'd do half the home stuff though...he does 70% of it

@AlexaShutUp

Who are you asking *@LondonQueen*?

The OP

Presumably, the OP feels that, if the situations were reversed, she would be trying harder to increase her earning potential... because that's what she wants her DH to do.

hottubtimemachine

Do high earning men feel resentment at female partners who choose to work less as a direct result of their partner income?

I think they probably do. MN is a strange place as if a man came on here to complain that his wife was refusing to go back to work & spent her time going to the gym and meeting friends for coffee he would get a bashing. He'd be told that his wife had enabled him to have a career & to make sure they get his future pension pot.

Your DH is actually working so not going for coffee or walks with friends between the school run. So I sympathise that he's not earning much. However considering we're supposed to be feminists nowadays, somehow if it's the female who is the main earner the male is considered a cock lodger. If someone suggests a SAHM with school age children & a cleaner might have free time to relax there's a long list of jobs that get rolled out. The best one I saw recently was ordering moonoig cards while baby naps.

I’m finding this a really interesting thread - thank you! I work FT in a pretty busy job (and also study) and earn around £46,000. DP works 3 days for a charity and earns around £13,000. We have three teens. When the DC were small we both worked PT. I really wanted to stay PT but when it became apparent that we weren’t coping financially, I stepped up to FT as I had better professional prospects. I’ve been torn for years about it and have often resented DP as I feel that basically be waited for me to sort it out, has dragged his feet whenever I’ve got desperate historically and asked him to look for work, and gets a lot more leisure time than me. I’m also the only driver which doesn’t help. Essentially at times I’m
jealous that he seems to have a less stressful life which isn’t admirable! He would never oppose me dropping a day at work but we’d struggle financially and I feel I want to do better for the kids than that. I then get frustrated because I feel it’s down to me to provide that better life.

On the plus side he now does all the housework, lots of laundry and cooking and is very hands on with the kids. He never questions me working all hours and keeps the home fires burning while I do that. I’ve kept things as they are because at the end of the day I’ve valued the kids having a parent at home and if it can’t be me it’s good that it’s him. He is also very very frugal so I think his earning aspirations match his earnings.

I think people posting that it’s about agreement and whether each person is playing to their strengths/ abilities are absolutely right. I also struggle because I totally get the argument that men have as much right as women to take a step back and be the parent at home more.

Do high earning men feel resentment at female partners who choose to work less as a direct result of their partner income?

Of course some do.

I also struggle because I totally get the argument that men have as much right as women to take a step back and be the parent at home more.

Absolutely they do, but regardless of whether the partner who takes a step back, you're right that both partners need to be 100% happy with the arrangement. Neither parent has the right to expect the other to take on the burden of the financial responsibility, any more than either has the right to expect the other to take on the burden of domestic responsibility. The default position has to be that both parents are equally responsible for both, so if the responsibilities are going to be split differently, then that has to be by negotiation and mutual agreement.

Interesting point alexa. I guess my resentment has come from feeling that as some men don't 'see' domestic chores, my DP hasn't 'seen' the financial burden and has implicitly waited for me to carry it. It had got better recently because I've decided that I don't want to leave him and I don't want to keep resenting him. So I just have to play to the strengths of our situation. I will complete my studying in a couple of years and at that point I've told him I want him to go FT!

I'm in the same boat but my DH does not earn at all. Actually that's not strictly true, he is quite creative and makes things to sell but what he earns is way less than minimum wage and of course when he is doing this he can't pick up so much household stuff. He can literally work full time hours to make about £100 a week.

We were watching the pennies for many years but recently I got a big promotion and now really trying to pay catch up with pensions and savings.

We have 3 DC, the youngest is 14, I'm left to figure out how we support all 3 through university and he is creating havoc in the house with his less than minimum wage hobby/job.

There are times I am ok with this but a lot of the time I just want to run away.

My previous post didn't make sense! It was supposed to say regardless of whether the partner who takes a step back is male or female... but you got the gist!

In your situation, it sounds like your dh isn't pulling his weight sufficiently in either sphere. I can relate to that as (for complex reasons) there have been periods when I have had to carry the bulk of the domestic responsibility as well as the financial burden, and it does feel unfair. However, like you, I concluded that resentment was not a useful emotion, and in my case, there were some good reasons why DH was not stepping up as much as I would have liked and rationally, I didn't really believe it was his fault as such. He is doing much better now. At the end of the day, we all have to decide what we can live with and where our red lines are. It sounds like you're doing the same thing @marthasmum.

Great username @BlusteringBoobies

I think the key difference in your situation is that your DH is being savvy with his earnings and contributing financially despite earning less. That wouldn’t bother me at all, it sounds like you are a good team.

Thanks alexa I think you get it! I think now actually I do feel he pulls his weight in the home sphere. It was less equal for a long time (eg when the kids were younger and wanted mum more). Interestingly as I've tried to become more philosophical about it and have stepped back, he's stepped up eg he does more of the mental load now. I do wonder how many men truly take on the same amount in the 'at home' role as their female partners would. And I suspect those that do are partnered with women who are unusually happy to hand stuff over and good at not guilting themselves. It's been interesting to reflect on and hear others' experiences. alain i would find the effort expended to earn quite a minimum amount frustrating - you don't have that luxury, do you?

I find your whole financial arrangement a bit odd. How do you not know what he earns?

My DH earns much more than me, and all our income is shared jointly - it all goes in one pot. But we both know exactly how much the other earns and we have regular discussions about our budget, where we are spending our money, where we could cut back, and what we should save/overpay mortgage etc.... but also have regular bigger discussions like whether we are collectively saving enough towards our pensions and if not, what we should do about it.

Seems oddly vague and imprecise - you just want him to earn more. Why don't you sit down as a couple, work out what you need and where you want be financially in retirement, then discuss how to get there. That might engage him more and he will realise there is a point to increasing his income.