Really worried about overweight DS(11)

[MeredithMae]

I am so worried about DS. He is overweight and now weighs 60kg. He has a big belly and worryingly, really big boobs now- they’re very noticeable.

His main issues are, unsurprisingly, food and exercise. I am terrified of setting him up for a lifetime of food issues so I’m trying so hard to be breezy and positive, but whilst also trying to acknowledge there is a problem. He gets upset and says he’s really fat and hates himself, and I’ll say well we could eat better and exercise more, and he’ll agree for a day then go back to normal the next day. I am overweight myself so not the best example although I am dieting and losing weight successfully.

Biggest issue is food:

*extremely picky; won’t try new foods, hates eggs, oats etc, allergic to dairy

*loves carbs; will have a panini for lunch at school then a break roll for a snack then ask for a wrap when he gets in. We’ve talked about this so many times, how he needs 1 bread portion a day, but he doesn’t listen

*can’t self regulate- will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more and gets upset if I say no. Went to the bakery to buy lunch with a friend last week and ate 2 desserts then sweets from shop- I was frustrated and explained that wasn’t going to help his weight and he just got upset with me for mentioning it.

*makes poor choices- will have breakfast at home then go to school and have a croissant- we’ve talked about it and I’ve told him he can have a bigger breakfast at home but he just says he’s hungry when he gets there.

Also, exercise:

*currently none. His school is only 2/3 mins walk away and he doesn’t play out or do any clubs. He says he hates exercise and can’t be convinced to try anything.

*Will do absolutely ANYTHING to get out of PE. Refuses to go to school, goes to the nurse saying he feels sick, pretends he’s forgot his kit etc and it’s because of his boobs- he gets picked on for them and is desperate not to get changed in front of people. They also show more in his PE top as no blazer to hide them

*I can’t exercise due to a disability. I’ve tried bribing him into going for walks, out on his bike, swimming, trying an exercise club like basketball, but I just get no no no.

I’m at my wits end.

ALSO: I have agonised over posting this as I'm scared of being attacked by the MN vipers, but I'm worried enough that I've gone for it.

Sounds difficult for you.

It would be helpful if you were able to share what you eat as a family over an average week, plus what you do as a family. For instance do you go out on a walk or play board games? Would he do any hobbies - swimming or music lessons?

Don’t eat out and don’t have crap food in the house. He’s eating it because you’re buying it.

Is he primary or high school? If high school, PE can be bloody brutal so TBH I’d want out of it too.

Can you try cooking healthy things together? Exercise is only a small part of losing weight; it mostly is diet. Tom Kerridge books are good and easy to follow. I have ‘The Dopamine Diet’ which is low-carb. Don’t give him money to spend at bakeries and sweet shops if you don’t want him having that stuff.

Is there a relative/family friend he could do something with? Like cycling/swimming?

I do sympathise with both of you; I was always starving when I got to school/work. If I was at home I wasn’t but I know tomorrow when I get to work I’ll be really hungry, even though I’ll have had a decent breakfast.

Lastly, is he drinking enough? I’m sure that’s where most of my hunger comes from as I never really feel thirsty and just can’t make myself drink. I have to now, as I’m on medication that gives me a really dry mouth, but I still don’t feel like it!

Are you able to swim? Could you all go to the pool together? Do you live with his dad? If so- could he take him swimming or on a bike ride or walk?

It's hard with food as you can't control what he eats at school but you can control what he has at home. Don't make wraps etc available to him after school. Could he have his tea earlier so he doesn't snack beforehand?

I have a lot of sympathy. I struggled with my weight as a kid/teenager, and convinced myself it was all my parents' fault (for making a massive deal about it and the constant shame etc) but now I'm facing the same issue with my own kid.

I think it's worth emphasising often that being overweight doesn't make him a bad person, it's purely a health concern. He can want to be healthier without hating himself as he is.

Currently I am able to basically not keep any junk food in the house, but I can see that when my eldest goes to secondary next year, I just won't be able to control what she eats. And I feel like 11 is very young to expect kids with weight issues to be making good decisions.

Oh you poor thing. I was the same as your DS at 11. My parents always gave us healthy food and lots of fruit and veg but as soon as I hit secondary school I could buy my own food and made poor choices. I just wanted junk.
Only he can change. Keep offering healthy food, pack him healthy snacks to munch on at school, don’t give him wraps before dinner, try to limit things like crisps to healthier types.
Keep reassuring him you love him and he can talk to you about anything. Feeling fat and unloved is the worst. When he’s a bit older suggest you both join Slimming World?
Force some exercise as well. The weather will be getting better soon.. say this weekend we’re going on long bike rides, like it or not

He is 11 and he disnt just suddenly get this big. It sounds like it has been going on a long time. As a child, his access to food is controlled by you. So, we need to see an average week of breakfast/dinner and what he has at school for lunch.

The good news is at his age he can grow out of it - he’s got a lot of growing height wise to do so it’s about stabilising his weight and building fitness rather than weight loss per se

What about an active game on the Nintendo Switch if you have one?

I can identify with the situation I've 2 DS, my youngest is overweight,has a big appetite, but thankfully eats a varied diet and exercises through play, kicking around the ball/ basketball/swim with DH and a swim lesson weekly. Hates walking. Biggest issue in our house is treats and the love for carbs, and I have to be very strict, not so easy with an eleven year old I can empathise. I think in this case a visit to family doctor is warranted. Another option would be to have a nutritional coach help with meal planning for the family perhaps. He certainly needs to increase protein and fibre to fill him up and help with hunger pangs. Best of luck I hope you get some more helpful feedback here too.

All the science is that exercise can help maintain healthy weight, but has very little influence on actually losing weight. Additionally, if he's overweight doing exercise is going to be even harder.

You need to focus on the diet - if his blood sugar tends to spike with carbs, he'll genuinely be hungry for more soon after he's had some. I'd suggest that he cuts right down on all carbs, and you do it as a team, with everyone in the household eating the same. You can look at something like Michael Moseley's Mediterranean diet as a starting point.

It sounds like you need to cut of the supply of carbs. Can you stop putting money on his school account, and send him in with a packed lunch? And tell him it will be reinstated when he can demonstrate sensible choices?

You say your disability limits your excerise. Is that all movement, or could you introduce a 20-30 min walk most days? Climbing walls and trampoline parks are fun (but expensive!) ways to get kids moving while you sit.

Would a skins style vest under his shirt on PE days smooth out his profile, and reduce the embarrassment of getting changed? DS does this for the opposite reason - he is extremely skinny and it gets commented on.

Its a minefield to navigate through. Well done trying to change things gently.

That’s hard OP

If you Google overweight kids and NHS at the end of the page you’ll see organisations that help kids loose weight. You can also ask your GP to refer you. It’s not easy and you need support. I would make getting help a priority.

A few thoughts

• It’s mainly about stopping him putting on more weight, rather than actively loosing it.
• refined carbs create cravings
• More protein and more fibre, at every meal.
• Packed lunches
• No more money for snacks
• Put the whole house on a healthy eating programme so he doesn’t feel picked on
• being active is important, but it’s mainly about diet so give yourself a break and focus on that
• limit screen time
• enforce bed time

• get support - I can’t emphasis this enough

Well he can't have a big portion for dinner unless you serve him a big portion so there's an easy solution. You could make his weekend food protein heavy. If he buys breakfast on the way to school don't give him any at home. And don't buy snacks. Or anything that doesn't need cooking - at least if he does raid the fridge he'd have to cook stuff first which delays the hunger satiation and teaches him how to cook!

Don’t have any unhealthy food in the house , if you have to have bread but Nimble whole meal , so if he wants to snack indoors it will have to be fruit / healthy bits . Limit his income so that he can’t buy crap outdoors . Get a switch with the fitness games and do it indoors .

He’s 11 so the food or the money to buy it must be coming from somewhere can you reduce that? It’s really hard, could you try focusing him on healthy eating rather than losing weight abd see if it improves his food choices a little bit? I swear the secret to losing weight on healthy/clean food is you just get tired of eating as it’s such hard work compared to say a chocolate bar to physically eat the same amount of calories.

PE at school kills enjoyment of exercise for an awful lot of people sadly.

@Luredbyapomegranate

That’s hard OP

If you Google overweight kids and NHS at the end of the page you’ll see organisations that help kids loose weight. You can also ask your GP to refer you. It’s not easy and you need support. I would make getting help a priority.

A few thoughts

• It’s mainly about stopping him putting on more weight, rather than actively loosing it.
• refined carbs create cravings
• More protein and more fibre, at every meal.
• Packed lunches
• No more money for snacks
• Put the whole house on a healthy eating programme so he doesn’t feel picked on
• being active is important, but it’s mainly about diet so give yourself a break and focus on that
• limit screen time
• enforce bed time

• get support - I can’t emphasis this enough

Excellent concise advice , certainly seek support.

It's really hard OP, I have one too. He's conscious but not upset at this stage but he's only a bit overweight. The Dr has said the same as he said to my oldest when he went through the same stage: it's an age thing, the key is to not get any heavier and that his height will even it out. In my older DSs case this is true: he was heavy at 11/12 yrs. He's 14 now, has shot up and broadened out and slimmed down. He's now taller than me (178cm) and a size 46 shoe. DS2 is likely to do similar.

Have you taken him to the Dr btw? We are in France, most kids have to have a yearly physical checkup so it does get picked up on. Would hearing it from someone else help or hinder?

It sounds like your son is living in a highly obesigenic environment. By that I mean he is surrounded by opportunities to eat foods that make him fat - largely processed carbs. He seems to have endless opportunities to get to them. You can control what he has access to at home, and he's still young enough that you can control what money he has access to. So (without being mean):

Why did he go to the bakery for lunch? Why is that acceptable? Why did he then have money to go to the sweetshop? He's too young to control these choices on his own.

Can you give him a packed lunch? Is a panini really an option at school? School dinners have gone way downhill since I was in the UK.

It also sounds like genetics might be a contributing - you say you are overweight as well. What about his dad? Children learn from what they see every day: there is no point in lecturing him about healthy eating if you have cupboards of processed carbs and he sees you 'dieting' rather than just eating healthily because that's the normal thing to do.

It's particularly hard when they are fussy. Does he eat fruit and veg? What are your usual meals? If he's refusing to eat eggs, and he can't eat dairy, then meat / chicken / fish are your main options protein/fat wise and that is what is going to fill him up. Not pasta, potatoes, rice, bread.

No bashing here OP, it's really hard and it makes you feel like a terrible parent.

My DS is as skinny as a rake, but within months of going to secondary school he was developing a paunch, so I put enough money on the payment system and capped it, for him to have a daily panini and drink and no more, I then made sure that there were treats at home, but that way I knew what he was eating and how much.

Can you not have wraps in the house, only brown bread (less attractive to most kids). And cook less for dinner so he can't have a massive portion / second helpings as the food just isn't there. It is tricky though when they get to secondary and you can't control what they have outside the house.

Have you any friends or relatives who would take him out for a walk/cycle or something? If you were my friend I would be happy to include your child on our walks so long as it was not an overwhelming commitment for me.

It must be very difficult if you are disabled - but how do you get out or can you not get out at all?

for you for being worried about posting!

All the good advice about food has been mentioned but what about getting him a treadmill he can use at home and rewarding the sessions each week when he has completed x amount of distance.

Overweight children don’t like PE as the are self conscious but a treadmill at home could be made I to something fun and a means to being rewarded.

Secondary school food options are dire. Yes @workwoes123 panini and bacon roles all the way around here too.
You do need to cut out the white carbs - pasta, potato, rice, white bread especially. Anything with added sugar. Up the protein.
Does he have someone who would take him to the gym? It's "cool" exercise and he can wear what he likes, build muscle that will help burn calories and help his self esteem.
Talk to the school OP about your worries and PE. They might be able to offer a modification

Thanks everyone, to the main points:

*We don't live with his dad. I've posted before that I've been in hospital for 18 months of the last 2 years, so he lived with his dad. Unfortunately his dad is a useless manchild and they basically lived on takeaways and junk- DS absolutely PILED on weight and I was in utter despair

*We eat good meals for dinner, home cooked with veggies, lots of Persian meals so basically rice and meat and veg. He enjoys cooking with me.

*He’s at secondary- won’t take packed lunches as uncool. I repeatedly ask him to just buy lunch plus nothing else, and to take a protein snack from home for break, but he can’t seem to stop himself. He just says he got hungry. I have stopped him buying breakfast croissants though after having breakfast at home by threatening to not put money on his card.

*He drinks a LOT! Sugar free squash mainly, I’m forever filling up his bottle, plus he does 1 or 2 fill ups at school for 50p each. And he loves smoothies but only has them on weekends.

*Breakfast is a big problem- he eats cereal such as cheerios. Won’t touch weeetabix or oats or eggs, can’t eat yogurt, I don’t want to give him toast as he has baguettes or panini for lunch at school.

*I’ll suggest wearing his PE top under his school shirt, or a skin.

*He only went to the bakery once- first and only time he has had a friend over.

*We play board games and card games a lot. He goes to bed at 09:45 and wakes at 8. I can’t go for walks for more than 15 mins, or cycle, but we do go swimming once a week, he just plays rather than actually swims though.

*I think he’d be mortified if I suggested going to the doctor, but I will. He sees a paediatrician monthly for his gastro/allergy issues who has gently suggested losing some weight and he was super embarrassed.

I was an overweight child and now an overweight adult. I've had a problem with binge eating since I was very young and I don't know what my parents could have done to help to be honest. Taking away his access to unhealthy food won't solve the underlying problem unfortunately. His self esteem will be on the floor...I would start by trying to address this.