Really worried about overweight DS(11)

[MeredithMae]

I am so worried about DS. He is overweight and now weighs 60kg. He has a big belly and worryingly, really big boobs now- they’re very noticeable.

His main issues are, unsurprisingly, food and exercise. I am terrified of setting him up for a lifetime of food issues so I’m trying so hard to be breezy and positive, but whilst also trying to acknowledge there is a problem. He gets upset and says he’s really fat and hates himself, and I’ll say well we could eat better and exercise more, and he’ll agree for a day then go back to normal the next day. I am overweight myself so not the best example although I am dieting and losing weight successfully.

Biggest issue is food:

*extremely picky; won’t try new foods, hates eggs, oats etc, allergic to dairy

*loves carbs; will have a panini for lunch at school then a break roll for a snack then ask for a wrap when he gets in. We’ve talked about this so many times, how he needs 1 bread portion a day, but he doesn’t listen

*can’t self regulate- will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more and gets upset if I say no. Went to the bakery to buy lunch with a friend last week and ate 2 desserts then sweets from shop- I was frustrated and explained that wasn’t going to help his weight and he just got upset with me for mentioning it.

*makes poor choices- will have breakfast at home then go to school and have a croissant- we’ve talked about it and I’ve told him he can have a bigger breakfast at home but he just says he’s hungry when he gets there.

Also, exercise:

*currently none. His school is only 2/3 mins walk away and he doesn’t play out or do any clubs. He says he hates exercise and can’t be convinced to try anything.

*Will do absolutely ANYTHING to get out of PE. Refuses to go to school, goes to the nurse saying he feels sick, pretends he’s forgot his kit etc and it’s because of his boobs- he gets picked on for them and is desperate not to get changed in front of people. They also show more in his PE top as no blazer to hide them

*I can’t exercise due to a disability. I’ve tried bribing him into going for walks, out on his bike, swimming, trying an exercise club like basketball, but I just get no no no.

I’m at my wits end.

Oh sorry. Didn't realise that was so long!

Your poor DS , he got fat because his DF and family fed him rubbish.

I'd echo the weights thing. DS 15 has gone from being frankly pretty overweight in the first lockdown to looking amazing because DH got some weights for the garage and DS started using them. From there he has overhauled his own diet.

Your DS is too young to do it seriously, but if can start equating food with fuel than thats got to help.

Thank you! I'll order some little weights and see how we get on.

@rookiemere it's not an exaggeration either- he went to his dads skinny as a rake and came out 7 months later podgy all over. Then during my second long admission he got even worse. His useless dad literally lives on takeaways and ready meals, and has endless junky snacks- except he's pole thin and muscley because he works outdoors in a physical job. I begged and pleaded with him to stop feeding him what he was, but it went on deaf ears- I don't think he ate any fruit or veg in that entire time.

I'm not surprised he's seeing a gastroenterologist with the junk diet he's had. But that's in the past but you are making positive changes and that's the main thing.

Actually just a thought, but i'm not sure what you can do about it.
You didn't cause this DSs DF did. What DS is eating with you isn't brilliant, but nor should it cause DS to be so overweight. I suspect the issue even now is that a weekend of takeaways with his DF means that DS is putting on more weight or not being able to lose it.

Is it worth looking at where DF is getting the food from and trying to encourage DS to pick the least worst options, so avoid the chips and don't get fizzy drinks?

amp.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2021/may/27/what-are-we-feeding-our-kids-review-a-junk-food-expose-that-will-leave-you-feeling-queasy-bbc

Don't know if you saw this? It's probably on YouTube somewhere. Worth watching with your son and will also give some indications as to how hard this is going to be to break the cycle bearing in mind it's one man and not a full
Medical study. BUT it might help your son (and you) to understand why he can't control himself.

I'd go for 4 or 5kg weights - they are heavy enough to make a difference even with short training sessions. Then build up from there. You might be able to get a full set on FB marketplace or similar.

I got some 4kg from amazon last night!

It's really difficult when it comes to his dads. He used to go Friday after school - Sunday lunchtime but I've changed it to Friday after dinner and encourage him to come back Sunday morning before lunch. This gives ME 2 extra meals with him. That's all I can do though, and at least it stops them sharing a 18" pizza every Friday night.

Those sound like really good small changes you are making to his routine. Good luck.

Thank you!

I’m really pleased that I bit the bullet and made this thread, despite some of the posts, the majority have been so helpful.

Changes/ideas so far:

-bought Ring Fit, Just Dance and Zumba for the Switch which we can do together

-bought two sets of 4kg weights, hopefully we can challenge each other with these

-got him a trial lesson for tennis, on waiting list for kick boxing, and he’s going to try basketball club at school

-a friend who saw this has said the boys can go swimming together once a week while we have a coffee (win win)

-be firmer about post school snack; fruit, veg or yogurt only

-bought some skins to wear under his clothes on PE days so he can just pop his PE top on top of a skin and not need to get topless (this is a game changer I think)

-been given some great protein based snack ideas for him

-considering a boxing bag for him; they are really expensive for decent ones though so I think I’ll save this purchase for his birthday in a few months

-remove leftovers when serving up dinner, so there’s no seconds available

this sounds so positive.

re school paninis, if he's starting to learn about calories you could look at calorie counts in the sandwich section at a supermarket, or Boots. Show him what an 800 calorie sandwich looks like, vs a 300 or 350cal one. This can feel like common sense to us but when you're 11 it's often not.

Well done @MeredithMae , you’ve really got things moving . Re the boxing bag it may be worth looking for a local boxing club for him to try .

That sounds like a good list @MeredithMae .
I'd raise a small note of caution. As these changes are being generated by you not him, I'd go gradually. Otherwise you run the risk of switching him off and his DF scoffing at him and getting him even more junk food when he is there.

love your attitude meredith

all the best!

Great job OP!!

Hi OP sorry your struggling with this, it's a tough situation. This may sound harsh but i think i would just cook healthy meals at home and say to him it's that or nothing, obviously not with food he absolutely hates, but hopefully he'll soon learn to try new things by only being given one or two healthy choices. And as for buying food at school, if it's possible i would give him a packed lunch and just not put any money in his canteen card if that's what his school has. Good luck op, i'm sure you're doing the best you can

@MeredithMae

Thank you!

I’m really pleased that I bit the bullet and made this thread, despite some of the posts, the majority have been so helpful.

Changes/ideas so far:

-bought Ring Fit, Just Dance and Zumba for the Switch which we can do together

-bought two sets of 4kg weights, hopefully we can challenge each other with these

-got him a trial lesson for tennis, on waiting list for kick boxing, and he’s going to try basketball club at school

-a friend who saw this has said the boys can go swimming together once a week while we have a coffee (win win)

-be firmer about post school snack; fruit, veg or yogurt only

-bought some skins to wear under his clothes on PE days so he can just pop his PE top on top of a skin and not need to get topless (this is a game changer I think)

-been given some great protein based snack ideas for him

-considering a boxing bag for him; they are really expensive for decent ones though so I think I’ll save this purchase for his birthday in a few months

-remove leftovers when serving up dinner, so there’s no seconds available

Well done!!!

Just read your update OP - You sound like a great mum and you've made so many positive changes.

I would say just don't have any unhealthy snacks in... It's hard to restrain yourself when you know there's crisps.

I do wonder whether if you just give it a few months whether the weight will come off now he isn't having takeaways and he has stability back?

OP, this is hard for you both. Try and ignore the faddy and extreme dietary suggestions some posters are offering. Has he been picked up in school obesity screening? Could you speak to the school nursing team in your area for child-appropriate advice?

Finding a form of activity he can get passionate about and develop a drive to master would be super-helpful - I do hope the tennis and/or kick boxing work for him. They could be transformative, including as PPs have said, in terms of personal confidence and self-esteem, as well as mood and energy burning. Good luck.

Well done, OP! It's so tough when you're not feeling great yourself and your child's other parent is completely unsupportive so the whole load is on you. But these all sound like positive changes and will help your DS grow up healthy and happy.

He has obviously had a very difficult two years as have you. If he has gone from being a healthy weight to obese in two years then he isn't going to pop back to benign slim overnight and his confidence will have taken a kicking especially with moving schools.

I love the idea of green, amber and red lists a previous poster mentioned.

I would get him to do his own list of fruit and veg he likes, he can then have an unlimited amount if that means he has grapes and carrots for the next 2 years as snacks then so be it.

If he has had cereal for breakfast then two carb meals before he gets home he probably is starving for nutrition rather than calories. I would offer his choice of fruit and veg he can load up on that.

If he wants a baguette and a piece of cake to fit in at a new school again I can't get wound up about it. Although what is in the baguette if he is dairy intolerant? A chicken baguette shouldn't be a huge issue

I think you can make your own hard lines eg he must eat 5 portions of fruit and veg per day. It is up to him when. It is about healthy choices for both of you not making it a problem that he is overweight.

Thanks everyone for being so kind.

Some great suggestions, I'll definitely be enforcing some of them. But yes thanks for the caution that these are my changes, not his, so I will go carefully.

Fingers crossed PE engagement improves and he likes tennis or kick boxing!