Really worried about overweight DS(11)

[MeredithMae]

I am so worried about DS. He is overweight and now weighs 60kg. He has a big belly and worryingly, really big boobs now- they’re very noticeable.

His main issues are, unsurprisingly, food and exercise. I am terrified of setting him up for a lifetime of food issues so I’m trying so hard to be breezy and positive, but whilst also trying to acknowledge there is a problem. He gets upset and says he’s really fat and hates himself, and I’ll say well we could eat better and exercise more, and he’ll agree for a day then go back to normal the next day. I am overweight myself so not the best example although I am dieting and losing weight successfully.

Biggest issue is food:

*extremely picky; won’t try new foods, hates eggs, oats etc, allergic to dairy

*loves carbs; will have a panini for lunch at school then a break roll for a snack then ask for a wrap when he gets in. We’ve talked about this so many times, how he needs 1 bread portion a day, but he doesn’t listen

*can’t self regulate- will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more and gets upset if I say no. Went to the bakery to buy lunch with a friend last week and ate 2 desserts then sweets from shop- I was frustrated and explained that wasn’t going to help his weight and he just got upset with me for mentioning it.

*makes poor choices- will have breakfast at home then go to school and have a croissant- we’ve talked about it and I’ve told him he can have a bigger breakfast at home but he just says he’s hungry when he gets there.

Also, exercise:

*currently none. His school is only 2/3 mins walk away and he doesn’t play out or do any clubs. He says he hates exercise and can’t be convinced to try anything.

*Will do absolutely ANYTHING to get out of PE. Refuses to go to school, goes to the nurse saying he feels sick, pretends he’s forgot his kit etc and it’s because of his boobs- he gets picked on for them and is desperate not to get changed in front of people. They also show more in his PE top as no blazer to hide them

*I can’t exercise due to a disability. I’ve tried bribing him into going for walks, out on his bike, swimming, trying an exercise club like basketball, but I just get no no no.

I’m at my wits end.

I don't mean to be alarmist but your comment that he drinks a LOT and you're forever filling up his bottle with sugar free squash
plus he does 1 or 2 fill ups at school for 50p each makes me slightly concerned about diabetes. I would get his blood sugar levels checked. Being overweight and inactive are both risk factors for type 2 diabetes and it is increasing in young people.

can you do couch to 5k with him?

there is a zombies run! app that plays a story and you run as part of it.

You are adult, you need to take control. If there's no extra portion, he can't have extra. If there's no unhealthy food in the house, he can't have any.

@purplesequins it says in the OP that she can't exercise due to disability and she has spent much of the last couple of year in hospital.

Physical chores around the house are a really good idea.
You can lay it on really thick about how much he helps you and how much you appreciate him too.
BTW he sounds like a lovely child.

I hear you OP, I really sympathise. My kids are the same.

Not sure how they stack up calorie wise etc against other snacks but my kids love these

www.bbcgoodfoodme.com/recipes/chewy-no-bake-cereal-bars/

My kids also like smoothies, maybe that would work for breakfast? They have oat milk, banana and peanut butter. I have them too, they are quite filling.

@BrioLover fridge raiders are not healthy! They are ultra processed.

If you want to give him meat snacks OP you’re best off just cooking some chicken legs or something like that from scratch - don’t buy the pre-cooked ones as they have added sugar and salt. You can also make your own chicken dippers or something like these.

Non-meat but high in protein you can make something like these protein bites or these peanut and coconut balls. These are both high in fibre and 2 dates count as one of your 5 a day.

From an exercise perspective, has he tried rugby? He would be welcomed with open arms at most clubs as a potential front row and being part of a team where his weight and strength is an asset could do wonders for his self-confidence. This would then get him outside, running and improving his fitness and stamina.

DS's rugby team is a huge mixture of all types of body size, we have huge front rows, who weigh similar to your DS, down to my tiny little 12yr old DS, who plays on the wing and weighs just 6 stone. There is a position for all body types and and acknowledgment from all team members that we need those different sizes, so there is absolutely no commenting on each others size.

Thanks so much for these comments today! I'm very grateful. Just a reminder that he won't eat eggs or oats and is allergic to dairy.

I know I could just put him on packed lunches and have no food in the house- but that feels like a pretty horrible hard line to take on a little boy who I don't want to develop food issues. He'll also just binge at the weekends when he goes to his dads where food is unrestricted anyway.

Unfortunately rugby and football are a big no, he's not a boy's boy at all, too scared and sensitive- BUT he's agreed to tennis lessons! He's on the waiting list for kick boxing with a friend of his so I really hope they get spaces soon, and I've just organised for him to have a trial lesson at a tennis club on Wednesday.

tennis is great! I hope he enjoys it.

other sports that are less scary than contact sports:
fencing
climbing
skateboarding
basketball

He doesn't have to have dairy but he can have milk alternatives like oat or soya milk. I'd suggest Oatley barista oat milk as it's virtually tasteless and creamy so perfect for cereal and hot chocolate.

Fruit, nuts, dairy alternatives, vegetables, mixed wholegrain and regular bread, pasta and rice and proteins such as boiled eggs and chicken to snack.

You want him to eat less but more protein dense food and move about more so he creates a calorie deficit.

@Twinkleylight he can't have oats so that's oat milk out and the OP states that he hates eggs.

"will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more"
Does he need a 'big' portion of dinner. Why not a medium sized one. He's only 13. You could different plates that are smaller.

If he's upset when you refuse 2nd helpings then so what? If there's food still left in the saucepans after serving then put those straightaway into tubs for the freezer because 'No, you can't have that it's for tomorrow/next week'.
This is to show 'boundaries' around the food. Not all the food is for 'everyone' to eat whenever they like.

Why would he be going through the meal plans with you? That's quite odd for a 13yr old kid. This provides an opportunity for obsessing over food and talking about food. Most 13yr old lads would not sit down with their mother and 'plan' about food!
Also several times you are saying 'Persian meals' and he likes cooking with you.
This makes me wonder how much of your 'relating' in the house revolves around food. Maybe you 'relate' to your Persian background by food and eating. How much 'air time' is food given in your house?

You 'relate' to him by being worried about him being unhappy if you say no to extra helpings. But he's unhappy being the size he is.
The Function of food is nutrition as well as appetite. Of course it can be enjoyable too.
If the Function of food in your house is always relating to your feelings or his feelings or being used as a communication tool then food can become different for him too. Food can become a feel good activity used to suppress anxiety.

@NerrSnerr He can have oats, he just doesn't eat them. Could be the texture for all we know. Oat milk might be fine.

Sorry but at 11yo you are in control of the food you have in the house. An 11yo doesn’t control this. You are in control of portion sizes. You are providing money for purchase of rubbish at school, too bad if he thinks a lunch from home is uncool, he’s not doing the right thing so that’s the fix. You are in control of what drinks are in the house. My kids took water bottles to school and now do so to uni/work, it’s a normal thing, no need to buy drinks.

Some hard opinions today!

I don't let him have seconds after dinner, but putting the leftovers away straight away is a good idea.

It was on MN I was given the idea to let him suggest meals for the week and to help with cooking them! I literally say, what do you fancy this week? And he'll say 1 or 2 things. I don't agree that's odd

I think we relate to each other a lot, more than just food? - Food is just dinner really, I've said we spend a lot of time together otherwise playing games etc.

@HoppingPavlova

Sorry but at 11yo you are in control of the food you have in the house. An 11yo doesn’t control this. You are in control of portion sizes. You are providing money for purchase of rubbish at school, too bad if he thinks a lunch from home is uncool, he’s not doing the right thing so that’s the fix. You are in control of what drinks are in the house. My kids took water bottles to school and now do so to uni/work, it’s a normal thing, no need to buy drinks.

I agree. You're being too soft. Weight is largely related to food, the exercise isn't going to help if he just carries on eating all the shit.

If you want to get him into a sport, I would 1000% recommend fencing. My DS did it for years and it was fantastic - lots of fun group warm-up games, kids of all shapes and sizes, it's perfect for kids/teens who aren't into rugby/football and it somehow seems to attract really nice, friendly kids and families.

I don't think that it's a hard line, OP. Most snacks are not a necessity, despite what advertisers and supermarkets would like you to believe.

My DD is in year 7 and takes a packed lunch almost every day. She usually has 1 day a week where she gets a hot lunch from the canteen.

Packed lunches don't have to be a boring sandwich. Food flasks are quite handy - instead of having that second helping at dinner time, he could take it to school for lunch the next day.

Sadly you can't control what goes on at his dads at the weekend but you can focus on the 5 days that he is with you.

Sounds like you've got a good kid there. Good for him for giving those exercise options a go. I'd also suggest cricket for a bit of activity without too much pressure. I think walking to school is my DD's saviour really. 40 mins each way makes a massive difference over the weeks.

Re packed lunches I'd be surprised if they are that unusual. You don't want your child to be at target but equally kids are so quick to say "everyone" else has a later bedtime, or an iPhone or whatever. I'd swap wraps out, they are annoyingly high in calories for something not that filling.

I wonder if it's worth pitching a reward system to him. If he wants snacks after school, fine, but he should have a walk first or have it instead of pudding.

Did you say you eat Persian style food most days? DH is Persian/Afghan and whilst a lot of the home cooked meals are super healthy and nutritious, they contain a huge amount of oil! Perhaps even just reducing that would make a difference. It's shocking how just a small amount of olive oil increases the calorie content massively!

I agree, pocketpenny! But we use the bare minimum amount of oil now, usually Fry Light instead.

His drinks aren't a problem, he only drinks water or sugar free squash, no fizzy or anything.

Sorry, if this is a drip feed... He started a new school the week before Christmas too, after being bullied at his first school he started in September, so has been through a tough time and is currently so is very much The New Boy. I am not going to force him to take packed lunches when he wants to fit in and have school food, I don't think having a baguette or panini is too bad anyway really as he'd probably take in a wrap or sandwich anyway, and he's agreed to not have bread rolls/hash browns too. He had a cake on Friday and I said if he's having a sweet treat at school then there'll be no sweet treats after school which he said was fine.

Last night I moved all the snacks/crisps up into a high cupboard and added some extra things like yogurts (DF) and protein snacks suggested in this thread (and that I did a search for online last night) to our Ocado shop.

@trumpisagit thank you, he IS a lovely kid!!! He's been through so much and is such a trooper, so funny and kind and fun to be around.

Oh and thanks to the posters suggesting diabetes, he doesn't have it, he has blood tests every 6 months or so for his checks as he's under the care of a paediatric gastroenterologist.

Just a thought but game apps Ring or whatever are pricey.
Have you considered a personal trainer who could come to your home and train you both?

On eof my DSs had a similar issue.

We got through it by education about nutrition. We looked at what the body needs, and we looked at how carbs create cravings. Without judgement I would comment when he started raiding the cupboards for food an hour after eating: that'll be carb cravings.

Then next day I'd give him roast chicken - as much as he wanted, with veg that he liked and comment that he wasn't rummaging for food an hour later. He learned to spot when carbs made him eat almost addictively and when proteins and complex carbs helped normalise his appetite.

Maybe get him involved with some food prep with you. Show him how to cook a lovely pasta and tomato sauce, withlots of extra veg in it - carrot and celery and onion to start it off, cooked until they are soft then add red pepper and tomatoes and herbs. If he doesn't like the veg, puree it, so it looks just like pasta pomodoro. Grate some half fat cheddar or mozzarella on top.

Or grilled burgers in bagel thins. Show him how small changes can save loads of calories. If you watch a film, make your own popcorn (he might like popping it) with no oil. Add a sprinkle or salt and if he likes them garlic and paprika powders or if he doesn't, a bit of sugar if he likes salt and sweet together. Half the calories of crisps or tortillas.

If he drinks fizzy drinks, switch to zero sugar. Not ideal but better than sugar, and encourage him to drink them with meals not between.

Tell him he's old enough now to eat veg because of its nutrients. He doesn't have to like it. He just has to be proud of himself for downing it so he can get fit.

Never ever ever say he's fat or that he needs to lose weight. I always said the opposite: You definitely don't need to lose weight, as you will grow in your teens, so you just need to stabilise your weight where it is, eat healthily and build your strength and stamina.'

By always phrasing things positively, I managed to avoid him thinking I judged him.

Are you being honest with yourself about being unable to exercise with your disability? Have you Googled 'Exercising with [your disability]'? Demonstrating good behaviour is best practise.

Order him some handweights and a kettle bell from Argos. Line up a 5 minute weights session online for him. No one can argue with a 5 minute regime at home. A few weights sessions are addictive. All the chubby boys I know took to them and have become really honed, including DS and a very overweight friend of his. Weights feel very 'manly' to young boys and they love how quickly you get definition.

Set a few targets. I took DS swimming - starting from unable to swim half a length, to swimming a kilometre in 6 months and a mile in one year. It helped his confidence a lot.