Really worried about overweight DS(11)

[MeredithMae]

I am so worried about DS. He is overweight and now weighs 60kg. He has a big belly and worryingly, really big boobs now- they’re very noticeable.

His main issues are, unsurprisingly, food and exercise. I am terrified of setting him up for a lifetime of food issues so I’m trying so hard to be breezy and positive, but whilst also trying to acknowledge there is a problem. He gets upset and says he’s really fat and hates himself, and I’ll say well we could eat better and exercise more, and he’ll agree for a day then go back to normal the next day. I am overweight myself so not the best example although I am dieting and losing weight successfully.

Biggest issue is food:

*extremely picky; won’t try new foods, hates eggs, oats etc, allergic to dairy

*loves carbs; will have a panini for lunch at school then a break roll for a snack then ask for a wrap when he gets in. We’ve talked about this so many times, how he needs 1 bread portion a day, but he doesn’t listen

*can’t self regulate- will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more and gets upset if I say no. Went to the bakery to buy lunch with a friend last week and ate 2 desserts then sweets from shop- I was frustrated and explained that wasn’t going to help his weight and he just got upset with me for mentioning it.

*makes poor choices- will have breakfast at home then go to school and have a croissant- we’ve talked about it and I’ve told him he can have a bigger breakfast at home but he just says he’s hungry when he gets there.

Also, exercise:

*currently none. His school is only 2/3 mins walk away and he doesn’t play out or do any clubs. He says he hates exercise and can’t be convinced to try anything.

*Will do absolutely ANYTHING to get out of PE. Refuses to go to school, goes to the nurse saying he feels sick, pretends he’s forgot his kit etc and it’s because of his boobs- he gets picked on for them and is desperate not to get changed in front of people. They also show more in his PE top as no blazer to hide them

*I can’t exercise due to a disability. I’ve tried bribing him into going for walks, out on his bike, swimming, trying an exercise club like basketball, but I just get no no no.

I’m at my wits end.

@CakenTea

I was heavy at your son's age OP. For me, there was a definite emotional dimension- my mum had some serious caring responsibilities outside the home, my dad worked shifts and was away a lot, and I was therefore alone at home a lot, felt low priority to those around me, and a bit lost. Food was a way to seek comfort, and the amount/quality of what I ate had almost nothing to do with actually being physically hungry.

So can you take a different lens to this while you're looking at his food intake- what does your son love to do? How can you help him fill his time with things that make him feel loved and supported and creative and happy? Can you spend more time outside connecting to nature, to boost wellbeing, even if it isn't for the sake of calorie burning? How can you support him to raise his self esteem so that he isn't looking to food to fill the gaps?

Definitely. Thank you, yes, you're right.

This was my DS at that age. He didn’t really enjoy sports (was bullied by one of the football lads at school which didn’t help) and although he didn’t eat any differently from his 2 siblings, just had a very different build. Even as a baby, he was the first baby my midwife had ever met that didn’t lose any weight in his first week!! As a toddler he was just always very chilled and happy to sit and play, whereas the others were into everything!

I had the dreaded NHS letter after they weighed all the kids at school, suggesting the fat camp and special cooking classes for me etc, which was insulting to both of us as it’s clear from my other 2 DCs that my cooking/parenting isn’t the issue here, he just had a different metabolism to them.

Anyway, he went through puberty and is now 6 foot tall, with his trousers hanging off his hips. He grew into his body and his confidence increased. He got some gym equipment in his room and does some weights and pull ups etc most days, but essentially I didn’t make a deal of it, allowed him to grow into himself.

It probably helps that the food offering at school isn’t great and there’s a really long queue so they can’t be bothered for snacks most days. Quite often they’ll skip breakfast, take a cereal bar or something for break and only go to the cafe for lunch, or sometimes even wait until after school to eat again. Or I make early dinner for 3.30ish and just have a little snack later.

All the crap food at school certainly can’t be helping your boy, so I’d try and tackle that bit first. Stop putting money on his account - or give him £2 a day or something and once it’s spent that’s it for the week. Get him to choose some supermarket snacks to take instead (maybe those little bags of chicken or a peperami for a protein boost) Boys tend to enjoy more low carb options as they don’t seem as diet-y as low cal ones so you could try and boost his protein and veg intake. He’s old enough to understand that if he’s not happy with his weight then what he eats will affect it, but the goal shouldn’t be to lose weight at his age, just to make more sensible choices until his height catches up with him!

If you can afford, look into personal trainers. Some work with kids. 1 to one attention always more effective than PE or clubs.

Hit his pocket. Don’t give him access to any money if he can’t spend it wisely, ie a roll and sets and snacks.

Only extras allied on plates are veg - let him pile his plate as high as he likes with those.

Get him into a running club away from the eyes of his schoolmates - weight will fall off him.

@MeredithMae

Thanks everyone for your comments, lots to think about, good and bad.

DEFINITELY yes - he's had a rough few years with me being so ill, moving in with his dad, starting secondary school, etc, I definitely don't underestimate the impact this has all had on him. I do my absolute best to make sure he knows I love him and value him and just want the best for him.

I'm not lying about his average day, why would I come on here and ask for help and then lie?!

His school app tells me exactly what he's bought, it's always a bread roll or hash browns, and a panini/baguette, nothing else.

I'm going to order a Ring Fit- I think we could all benefit from it and would be great to use the Switch for something positive! Have also convinced him to give Basketball sessions a try after school at local leisure centre although he'll only go if a friend does (shy/only child syndrome) so I've text a few friends mums.

I’ve now read your follow up messages. That’s fabulous that he’s willing to try basketball, good luck

“Carbs” do not make you overweight. The issue here I think is more the processed food. You said he will eat a mixture of wholemeal and white pasta, will he eat wholemeal/brown bread?
Wholemeal bread is filling due to the fibre and actually not all that high in calories. If you stop restricting that, he might be able to move off things like the croissants, crisps, sweets etc.

You sound like a lovely family who have had a tough time recently. I agree that the more you give him happy, relaxed experiences and space to talk about his worries the better.

It seems like his diet at his dad's was the main issue. So I wouldn't go overboard on limiting food now, I'd just try to keep mainly healthy options in the house, encourage trying sports and help him keep his weight stable as he grows into it.

I think you need to find something you can do with him to get him moving more. A punch bag at home or basketball net where you can set him targets and be with him etc. Any form of exercise. Trampoline?

@MeredithMae

"Also I'm assuming you will come back and say he doesn't eat that sort of stuff."

He's allergic to dairy, I don't use jars when cooking, I do 50% wholemeal and 50% white pasta in our meals (he won't eat it if it's all brown and I don't much like it either). He hates any dips like humous or anything cos he doesn't like wet food. We do our meal plan together every week.

The Switch is a great idea!! I've just ordered Zumba as I've wanted to try it too (gently!) - I think he'll be up for Just Dance - are there any other suggestions for good games?

We have a switch and just got DD2 (12) Ring Fit Adventure as she does no exercise and she loves it! Plays it most days. Her big sister loves it too.

It sounds like the last two years have been really tough for him and he finds food comforting. Have you been honest with him about your illness, or do you think there has been gaps he's been worrying about? I'd make sure he felt safe and secure before risking any conversation that could feel like criticism. He's done really well to cope with a pandemic and his mum being ill, so be sure he's praised more for the balls he has kept in the air than focusing on the way he's coped.

I would start discussing his health as if the last two years happened to both of you, you are a team, after all. Get him involved in the cooking and meal planning, almost as a hobby but also to bring eating back as a family activity, rather than a secret or individual one.

Instead of focusing on exercise, which he resists, try to bring down his sedentary time by filling his days. Less screens, more errands. I'd also reach out to friends, explain you are still unwell and can anyone take him out on dog walks or have him help out in any way, car washing, gardening - opportunities for praise and feeling useful. Don't make it about weight, just doing things. This leaves less time for snacking and sitting.

Best of luck, you sound a brilliant parent and a lovely family who have had a hard time, please be kind to yourself.

Op it’s tough feeding kids healthy especially if you’re unsure yourself what to make.

You’re going to have to take a very tough stance on this.
I suggest you lead by example and you BOTH go on a healthy diet.

Healthy diets are not restrictive and you can eat lots.
Example:
Break: 3 eggs and Wholemeal toast with butter
Lunch: packed lunch sarnie, yogurt, fruit, crisps
Dinner: Bolognase, chicken curry, Chilli, (all Homemade)
Before bed: Hot Chocolate

He will complain and feel hungry for the first month but you have to tackle this now or he’ll have a life of problems.

I agree with other posters that probably it is stress/self-esteem related.
I'm not overweight but I am on the chubbier end of normal, and I find losing weight SO HARD just because of bad habits. If I am quite busy/fulfilled though, I find I overeat much less. So maybe he could do with more things to do, hobbies? The active games on the switch seem a good idea!
Also a totally random and off-the-wall suggestion but if he's a bit of a foodie, maybe you could try getting him into foraging? He could go out and look for wild food (exercise) and then you could cook together with the things he finds (which would be both something to do and very rewarding for him). Not very many things to forage at this time of year though.

Are you Persian op? Because if you are then you need to be really careful with type 2 diabetes? It’s absolutely rife in the population and difficult to get rid when it sets in.

Thanks for all the suggestions!

Just a reminder, he can't eat dairy, won't eat eggs or oats which makes breakfast tricky, don't want to give him toast as he eats bread at lunch (panini or baguette).

He's definitely struggled with me being in hospital for so long, especially as due to the pandemic he wasn't able to visit much at all. He had counselling for a while which I think helped and I'm working on making sure I'm giving him lots of love and security.

We have a basketball hoop and a trampoline but he barely uses either, and only when pushed. I am now googling boxing bags as I think that's a great suggestion!! I've ordered a Ring Fit, Just Dance and Zumba for the Switch- I think he will love doing these with me- hopefully benefit us both. He does enjoy cooking with me, so I'll encourage this more.

@user1471462428

Are you Persian op? Because if you are then you need to be really careful with type 2 diabetes? It’s absolutely rife in the population and difficult to get rid when it sets in.

I'm half- I didn't know that!

Would LOVE ideas for healthy protein snacks he can grab when he's reluctant to have fruit or veg please.

Could you maybe start giving him a little bit of extra pocket money to do the hoovering/help with gardening and other more physically demanding chores? Good for you, good for him!

This is an interesting thread because your DS sounds exactly the same as mine. Mine is same age, same weight and he’s just piled it on since he started secondary in September. It’s primarily because he no longer walks to or from school as he used to at primary and gets the bus because it’s an hours walk away so aside from our family walk at the weekend and his PE sessions at school, he isn’t really exercising. He struggles with portion control and is also a fussy eater like your DS. He’ll eat just about any cereal but he fills the bowl until it’s almost spilling over the sides so I’ve had to have a word with him about it. He was a bit chubby before he started secondary but his weight has honestly totally ballooned. He’s been getting sugary snacks at break time just like your DS and isn’t making great choices at lunch either but also won’t take a packed lunch because nobody else does.

I weighed and measured him a couple of weeks ago, he’s tall so he’s about 10 lbs overweight. Nothing crazy but enough to make me think something needs to change. I don’t know if you have a local leisure centre that offers any junior gym classes but ours does and it’s only £3.20 a session so I’m enrolling him in those from this week onwards. We’ve also just changed our diet as a family so he doesn’t feel singled out, he’s no longer allowed snacks before dinner and we only have dessert once a week now. May just be worthwhile not buying the crap or hiding it from him so he can’t have it.

@MeredithMae

Would LOVE ideas for healthy protein snacks he can grab when he's reluctant to have fruit or veg please.

Fridge raiders? Those are mini chicken bites that are pretty tasty and come in a couple of different flavours.

Roasted or toasted chickpeas, cold, in various different spice mixes.

Chicken sausages.

Not sure about the protein content but what about the coconut yoghurts and soya yogurts - the Oykos vegan coconut yoghurts are really nice, the salted caramel and straciatella flavours are lovely.

In Belgium and Germany you have "frikadellen" which are like mini meatloaves. I make one once a month (use Turkey mince to cut down the fat content) and my two boys like a slice or two with some veg chopped up after school. Sometimes with ketchup, often not.

Protein pancakes - use apple sauce instead of egg to bind if he hates all egg, and then use oat milk or almond milk instead of dairy milk. Add a scoop of protein powder. He can have those with banana and peanut butter as a healthy brunch at the weekend, or cold with jam and fruit if you keep them in the fridge.

Would he have an oat milk smoothie for breakfast. Banana, oat milk and a few porridge oats? Blended until smooth - you can add peanut butter. It’s very filling.

I think you might be underestimating the calories in your evening meals. Rice is very calorific. I think most children are guilty of buying a treat or two when they join secondary school- I know I enjoyed a breaktime pizza but I never gained any weight. Try and cut down your portion sizes at home. Have you tried weighing out your ingredients and totting it up? It might be more than you think.

Ignore the drastic comments saying to cut things out completely and make his diet completely different.

Weight loss comes from consistency, which comes from sustainability.

Maybe begin with limiting the snacks, no wrap before dinner, a tiny bit of hunger is natural before dinner! Then gradually introduce different things and switch things out.

Also a good shout on the switch games.

Do you like HECK sausages OP? Low calories and high protein. Salmon, chicken, tuna - encourage them all!

I feel for you OP, it isn't easy, but you are much better off with this being a gradual process, restricting all of his current foods will end up with him finding them elsewhere and binging. Whilst encouraging him to be healthy you do not want to create an unhealthy relationship with food.

Best of luck! (Ex eating disorder survivor!)

PS. Do NOT send him to slimming world!

Where does he get the money from to buy the stuff at school?
I'd put him on packed lunches and he'd have to cope but I understand why you'd be reluctant to do this.

Martial arts/boxing. Increase his confidence and he'll eventually realise that losing weight will make him fitter, stronger, leaner. And if he has a six pack he'll soon realise the girls will come running

Try the Michael Moseley blood sugar diet for both of you as it's a pre-diabetic Mediterranean diet. You'll be familiar with most of the dishes and most of it will be adaptations of familiar recipes.

Couple of ideas that might have been suggested already:

• use smaller dinner plates so either one with a wide rim or next size down. If you use 10" plates then swap to 8" plates.

• reduce his carbohydrate portion size at dinner time & increase his veg to at least a third of the plate.

• switch to oat milk and yogurts to give you more options.

• would he join a kids boxing club?

• enrol him in a weekly swimming class rather than taking him for a family swim

• ask for a dietician referral and start him on probiotic tablets