Really worried about overweight DS(11)

[MeredithMae]

I am so worried about DS. He is overweight and now weighs 60kg. He has a big belly and worryingly, really big boobs now- they’re very noticeable.

His main issues are, unsurprisingly, food and exercise. I am terrified of setting him up for a lifetime of food issues so I’m trying so hard to be breezy and positive, but whilst also trying to acknowledge there is a problem. He gets upset and says he’s really fat and hates himself, and I’ll say well we could eat better and exercise more, and he’ll agree for a day then go back to normal the next day. I am overweight myself so not the best example although I am dieting and losing weight successfully.

Biggest issue is food:

*extremely picky; won’t try new foods, hates eggs, oats etc, allergic to dairy

*loves carbs; will have a panini for lunch at school then a break roll for a snack then ask for a wrap when he gets in. We’ve talked about this so many times, how he needs 1 bread portion a day, but he doesn’t listen

*can’t self regulate- will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more and gets upset if I say no. Went to the bakery to buy lunch with a friend last week and ate 2 desserts then sweets from shop- I was frustrated and explained that wasn’t going to help his weight and he just got upset with me for mentioning it.

*makes poor choices- will have breakfast at home then go to school and have a croissant- we’ve talked about it and I’ve told him he can have a bigger breakfast at home but he just says he’s hungry when he gets there.

Also, exercise:

*currently none. His school is only 2/3 mins walk away and he doesn’t play out or do any clubs. He says he hates exercise and can’t be convinced to try anything.

*Will do absolutely ANYTHING to get out of PE. Refuses to go to school, goes to the nurse saying he feels sick, pretends he’s forgot his kit etc and it’s because of his boobs- he gets picked on for them and is desperate not to get changed in front of people. They also show more in his PE top as no blazer to hide them

*I can’t exercise due to a disability. I’ve tried bribing him into going for walks, out on his bike, swimming, trying an exercise club like basketball, but I just get no no no.

I’m at my wits end.

I think at 11 it's unrealistic to expect him to make good food choices at school. I think you have to focus on the things you can control rather than lots of explaining to him what he's doing wrong.

Carbs are fairly cheap to buy so it's tempting to have them in the house / get with your weekly shop .
Fresh fruit / vegetables low fat dairy ( depending on his age ) are better fillers .
Could you decide between yourself to do a weekly menu and you write out and put up in your kitchen.
So something like.
Breakfast Yoghurt with blueberries , 1 piece wholemeal toast.
Lunch 2 light Babybel / equivalent in cubed low fat cheese , a low fat dip with carrot sticks / veg to dip or even a bread stick.
Dinner Spagetti Bolanase with grated carrot in to bulk it out ( he won't know it's in there ) wholemeal pasta. Not a jar , but made up yourself.
Snacks More fruit , or perhaps rice cakes with peanut butter on.
Yes he will still be getting carbs but they will be greatly reduced .
Also I'm assuming you will come back and say he doesn't eat that sort of stuff. I would answer , he doesn't eat it now . Most people can learn to adapt their palate over time . He likes the food he eats because they are familiar to him.
Start with and agree that you both will have a day a week of healthy eating , and a short walk , and try to build on that.

Average week:

-cheerios for breakfast. Won't eat anything else at all.

-either takes a snack like a beef jerky bar or graze box to school for break, or buys hash browns or a bread roll there. Won't take fruit or veg- too uncool

-he always has a baguette or panini for lunch

-After school snack, sometimes crisps but I always try and convince him to have rice cakes with peanut butter, or a plate of chopped peppers and cucumber with the crisps

-Dinners: lots of Persian meals which are rice, meat and veg. Plus things such as spaghetti bolognese, salmon and potatoes, fajitas, tacos, sausages etc. Always with a side of veg which he eats

-Snack: I try my very best to give him fruit chopped up but sometimes he'll have a couple of biscuits as well

Jennalong, just out of interest, why do you recommend cheese and yogurt for two out of three meals when the op has been very clear that her DS has a dairy allergy?

Well you might have to be strict and give him a packed lunch even though he'll hate it. Unless he can prove he can make sensible choices...

And don't buy cheerios!

As the provider of both money and food, you have a lot of options you know.

The drinking a lot - is diabetes a possibility?

Very sorry did not read about the allergy . Drop the Babybel and go for vegan cheese. Apologies. Likewise yoghurt.

Op, what does he eat his Cheerios with? His diet is very carb heavy and he seems to have an awful lot of power over what he will and won't eat. I think you need to take back your control over what he eats as he is too young to self regulate.

I really feel for you Op. this all sounds very difficult.
I agree that you need to cap his card at school, such a shame that there is such a variety of unhealthy food available there.
I'd concentrate on now trying to lose weight but instead not gain it as he grows which he will like a weed in the next few years which you can use to your advantage. It might be time to be more direct with him as well especially as he is very unhappy with how he looks as well. I'd stop offering seconds and not have treats in house.
Ultimately however it will be up to him to either get on board or not.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

He is 11 and he disnt just suddenly get this big. It sounds like it has been going on a long time. As a child, his access to food is controlled by you. So, we need to see an average week of breakfast/dinner and what he has at school for lunch.

This is a really arsey reply. "We" don't "need" to see anything, this is not some sort of parenting camp.

@MeredithMae

Average week:

-cheerios for breakfast. Won't eat anything else at all.

-either takes a snack like a beef jerky bar or graze box to school for break, or buys hash browns or a bread roll there. Won't take fruit or veg- too uncool

-he always has a baguette or panini for lunch

-After school snack, sometimes crisps but I always try and convince him to have rice cakes with peanut butter, or a plate of chopped peppers and cucumber with the crisps

-Dinners: lots of Persian meals which are rice, meat and veg. Plus things such as spaghetti bolognese, salmon and potatoes, fajitas, tacos, sausages etc. Always with a side of veg which he eats

-Snack: I try my very best to give him fruit chopped up but sometimes he'll have a couple of biscuits as well

Reading this you seem to have handed all his food choices over to him. He's 11. He's not going to make sensible choices. You have it in your gift to change ALL of these bullet points. Eats biscuits - don't buy any! Wants beef jerky and not fruit? Don't buy beef jerky. Etc.

It would be much easier, as Jennalong demonstrates, to up his protein and reduce his carbs if he didn't have a dairy allergy, and our western diet is very dairy-reliant. You mention Persian food - I have no knowledge whatsoever of the ingredients for that (I'm Scottish and eat deep fried mars bars ) but what would be a normal dairy free and low carb breakfast?

Protein, protein, protein to fill him up so he doesn't get the carb withdrawal and hunger pangs. Someone unthread mentioned the Mediterranean diet - it seems like a really healthy way of eating which could also help with your weight.

(I don't really eat deep fried mars bars)

"Also I'm assuming you will come back and say he doesn't eat that sort of stuff."

He's allergic to dairy, I don't use jars when cooking, I do 50% wholemeal and 50% white pasta in our meals (he won't eat it if it's all brown and I don't much like it either). He hates any dips like humous or anything cos he doesn't like wet food. We do our meal plan together every week.

The Switch is a great idea!! I've just ordered Zumba as I've wanted to try it too (gently!) - I think he'll be up for Just Dance - are there any other suggestions for good games?

A large part of overeating for many of us is emotional well-being. Could the stress of you being unwell/ move to high school and being picked on about his weight/ his dad not being great all be playing into some issues for him and his self esteem?
We then eat to make ourselves feel better and perpetuate the cycle.
You are doing the right thing seeking help, how could anyone be angry with you! Sometimes exercise wise we have to think outside the box if he is a reluctant child - would trying things like rock climbing, boxing, trampolining or horse riding be an option financially? See if he can find something he loves other than the team sports and school?
Best of luck to you both OP, it sounds like you’ve had a rough couple of years so hoping for a healthy and happy year for you both.

At 11 he needs your help.

Daily top up on his card and enough for lunch only. No money to buy snacks. If he's too cool to take an apple and banana then he's not hungry.

Unlimited salad, veg sticks etc at home for snacks

Try flavours on his porridge, honey or syrup etc to get him to try it

Do you know an older teen you could pay to go out on his bike with him or out on long walks?

What about playing to his strengths? He'll likely have a reasonable amount of power / strength due to his size, perhaps getting some weights to help build up muscle which will then help him burn fat. A set of cool looking dumbbells at a not too heavy weight? Could have them in his room (my DS does although he's 15). There is a gym near me which is fairly good and focuses on strength rather than people in leotards type thing. It attracts a lot of bigger type people who then seem to get really strong and healthy looking.

Are there by bits of exercise equipment/games that you could get for him to do in the privacy of his home? I used to love going on my trampoline after school at that age.

Bloody hell - all that is available at school? Croissants, bread rolls, paninis, hash browns (as a snack??!), baguettes? No wonder he's starving when he comes home and looks for more, there's practically no protein in there anywhere.

What's a graze box?

Biscuits? Don't buy them, then he can't have them. Ditto crisps, don't buy them, he can't have them. I often tell my kids "oops I forgot, next time". They get used to not expecting them. We never have biscuits in. Sometimes I make crepes, pancakes, biscuits but at least I can control the quantity of sugar going in there.

I’d cut the squash. Switch to water. even sugar free messes up your blood sugar signals and he’ll crave more of a hit from simple white carbs while he’s drinking so much of it.

Try the Ring fit for the switch , it’s on offer at Curry’s at the moment so probably the same price else where . Also get some smaller plates to eat off as you then eat less per portion so if he did have some extra it would still probably be less than he eats now .

There have been a lot of studies into carbs and the amount of carbs he's eating is fine, he just needs to do some exercise.

For me, if I think about food I eat more. Any type of trying to control my eating makes it worse emotionally and I make worse decisions. I find I need to focus my mind on another challenge (for me it is running but there are infinite other options out there) and then my eating mostly resolves itself. I agree with pp to said your son has had a lot to cope with emotionally in last couple of years and I wonder if she appropriate support for that would be helpful. We have a non sporty child with good anxiety who was starting to get unheathly in terms of weight and fitness and we took him to parkrun each week. Firstly he marshalled with us until it became familiar (they can Marshall at his age but need to stay near an adult till 18). He got t shirts for meeting marshalling milestone (eg 25). Then we got him walking 1 parkrun a month and then walking all parkruns and then he naturally started to run/walk and is now enjoying being faster than me. There is very little difference in daily calorie intake between losing a little bit of weight over time and gaining a little bit of weight over time especially at his age as he’s coming up to a growth spurt age for boys - so a couple of small changes will have a notable impact over time.

Only have completely healthy food in the house

It the only way

Urge to exercise will rise naturally once he’s lost a bit.

My son is addicted to carbs and we’ve had a tough Christmas saying no to everything. I r begun giving him eggs for breakfast and have stopped buying junk. He won’t exercise either behind a dog walk 🙄

Lots and lots of children will have pack lunches. I would cut out money on his card entirely and make healthy pack lunch.
It is in his best interest and he has had an opportunity to choose healthier options.
You have a year or two while you still have control of his diet and I think you should do it.
Also gp.

One thing I did spot is that he drinks a lot of sugar-free squash.

Sugar-free drinks have been shown to be counter-productive. They taste sweet because of artificial sweeteners to the body prepares itself for a sugar intake, insulin released and so on. Then there is no sugar so the body starts to send out signals saying "I want sugar please".

There have been some very interesting programs (Horizon mainly) in recent years about overweight people and a lot of it changed my own thinking. For example, it was shown that if you fast for 36 hours (and by fast, I mean fewer than 400 calories) for the next 24 hours you can basically eat what you like - to outrageous levels - and it seems to make no different. It was not well understood why this is.

For myself, I was always a skinny child and really only started to put weight on properly in my late 30's. What I found worked for me when I first started weighing more than I was comfortable with was a food diary. It helped me see where the extra calories were coming from.

For your son I'd echo a lot of what has been said above and, especially, to get help because this is not an easy situation to deal with alone. You can control what your son eats, but making a diet (which is what this is) seem like a punishment is also unhelpful.

What about a variant of the 5.2 program ? Control his intake on 5 days, but let him have 2 days 'off' each week - 2 days of his choice - where he doesn't have to observe the stricter regimen as long as he doesn't go mad and eat 37 chocolate swiss rolls or something ?