Really worried about overweight DS(11)

[MeredithMae]

I am so worried about DS. He is overweight and now weighs 60kg. He has a big belly and worryingly, really big boobs now- they’re very noticeable.

His main issues are, unsurprisingly, food and exercise. I am terrified of setting him up for a lifetime of food issues so I’m trying so hard to be breezy and positive, but whilst also trying to acknowledge there is a problem. He gets upset and says he’s really fat and hates himself, and I’ll say well we could eat better and exercise more, and he’ll agree for a day then go back to normal the next day. I am overweight myself so not the best example although I am dieting and losing weight successfully.

Biggest issue is food:

*extremely picky; won’t try new foods, hates eggs, oats etc, allergic to dairy

*loves carbs; will have a panini for lunch at school then a break roll for a snack then ask for a wrap when he gets in. We’ve talked about this so many times, how he needs 1 bread portion a day, but he doesn’t listen

*can’t self regulate- will have a big portion of dinner, then always asks for more and gets upset if I say no. Went to the bakery to buy lunch with a friend last week and ate 2 desserts then sweets from shop- I was frustrated and explained that wasn’t going to help his weight and he just got upset with me for mentioning it.

*makes poor choices- will have breakfast at home then go to school and have a croissant- we’ve talked about it and I’ve told him he can have a bigger breakfast at home but he just says he’s hungry when he gets there.

Also, exercise:

*currently none. His school is only 2/3 mins walk away and he doesn’t play out or do any clubs. He says he hates exercise and can’t be convinced to try anything.

*Will do absolutely ANYTHING to get out of PE. Refuses to go to school, goes to the nurse saying he feels sick, pretends he’s forgot his kit etc and it’s because of his boobs- he gets picked on for them and is desperate not to get changed in front of people. They also show more in his PE top as no blazer to hide them

*I can’t exercise due to a disability. I’ve tried bribing him into going for walks, out on his bike, swimming, trying an exercise club like basketball, but I just get no no no.

I’m at my wits end.

Just to echo what others are saying - exercise is important but actually it’s good that is the key thing that needs to be addressed. And it’s not just the quantity but the type of food.

There are lots of scientists who are now challenging the idea that all calories are equal and if you have a diet that is full of sugars, refined carbs, etc then that will be retained as far and also keep making you feel hungry as your insulin levels are raised.

I was heavy at your son's age OP. For me, there was a definite emotional dimension- my mum had some serious caring responsibilities outside the home, my dad worked shifts and was away a lot, and I was therefore alone at home a lot, felt low priority to those around me, and a bit lost. Food was a way to seek comfort, and the amount/quality of what I ate had almost nothing to do with actually being physically hungry.

So can you take a different lens to this while you're looking at his food intake- what does your son love to do? How can you help him fill his time with things that make him feel loved and supported and creative and happy? Can you spend more time outside connecting to nature, to boost wellbeing, even if it isn't for the sake of calorie burning? How can you support him to raise his self esteem so that he isn't looking to food to fill the gaps?

Have you thought about getting him a Fitbit or if he has a phone setting him up with Strava? He might be more keen on exercise if he can record it and see his progress.

I appreciate that the food choices is more important but when I am trying to lose weight I always up my exercise as at least when I am exercising I am not eating!

Good luck 👍

@CakenTea - lovely post.

On the exercise front, does he like animals? If so, do you know someone with a dog who might be happy for him to walk their dog after school? It would feel less like exercise perhaps.

This does sound really tough, but it's great that you are supportive and want to help him. It must be very difficult time know how to approach it.

I sympathise op. I have two children the one at secondary is bordering on underweight but will happily eat a load of crap at school (and then refuse healthy stuff at home). He also made a fuss about having to have school meals and we let him in Year 7 but I have limited his money in Year 8. I give it for the month and when it's gone, it's gone. This means that some days he will take a sandwich and it's stopped him buying sugary drinks although he still buys pastry and jam on toast quite often for break. I'm worried about the child with overeating tendencies going next year.

I'd say just keep on with healthy stuff at home. Can you keep wraps and stuff in the freezer so harder to use for a snack? And try and up the exercise a bit, even if it's something like just dance on the computer or table tennis?

@CakenTea

I was heavy at your son's age OP. For me, there was a definite emotional dimension- my mum had some serious caring responsibilities outside the home, my dad worked shifts and was away a lot, and I was therefore alone at home a lot, felt low priority to those around me, and a bit lost. Food was a way to seek comfort, and the amount/quality of what I ate had almost nothing to do with actually being physically hungry.

So can you take a different lens to this while you're looking at his food intake- what does your son love to do? How can you help him fill his time with things that make him feel loved and supported and creative and happy? Can you spend more time outside connecting to nature, to boost wellbeing, even if it isn't for the sake of calorie burning? How can you support him to raise his self esteem so that he isn't looking to food to fill the gaps?

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

There's some great suggestions here but honestly I would give yourself a break and wouldn't worry too much if this has built up over 2 years of living with a useless manchild parent who constantly fed your DS crap. In your place, I'd be angry but things will hopefully improve if your DC is back with you for the long-run with a combination of healthier food, nudging him to be more active and focusing on having fun together.

Does he have any good male role models who can hang out with him? Maybe ones that are interested in fitness/gym stuff?

What about a family nutrition class together (might motivate him to make better choices at school. I wonder if GP could recommend something?) and an exercise together every week, some fun stuff I can think of:

Trampoline Park
Laser tag
Scavenger hunt (geo cahcing maybe? So you don't have to do prep work)
Goat/kitten yoga
Ropes course
Indoor rock climbing

I think the switch games are a great idea, maybe Mario tennis? If you got 5 you could do a different one for 30 mins every night, Monday is just dance night etc. Good luck OP

Read up on gut health. Weight gain is hormonally driven. Switch bread to sourdough, add as much prebiotic and probiotic food as you can. Also tonnes of fibre to fill him up.

Start by adding good stuff rather than restricting anything. Can you give him a fruit platter in front of the tv? Can he cope with natural yogurt? Add lots of healthy fats this will fill him up. Don't give him anything with seed oils or vegetable oils. Stick to olive oil and butter. Add fermented foods, vinegars, anything pickled. You need to convince his body he's not preparing to hibernate so focus on 'spring 'foods. Sound bonkers but there's evidence behind it.

Oh and sugar free squash needs to go. He's better putting a tiny bit of fruit /juice in water if he can't stand it plain. The aspartame is compelling him to eat non stop carbs

I think you need to hear some brutal honesty.

If you are being truthful about what he is eating then he simply wouldnt be this overweight. Maybe the meals are well balanced, but he must be eating a mountain of it every night at dinner. Do you know about portion sizes? It might open your eyes to start looking up the calorie content in the meals you make and looking at the portion size you're serving him.

Mario Tennis on the switch is not going to solve this for you.

See a dietician. Or go online and use the government resources for overweight kids.

We went through this with my eldest son. At 10/11 he went really chubby and kind of roundish everywhere. I was worrying about how to change all our diets, up the exercise etc.

However, he’s now 12, nearly 13 and has grown much taller, and is starting to really chisel off. He has gone through puberty much earlier than his friends and is currently on antibiotics for acne. His feet are massive and he looks like a young man rather than a child.

If I was you I wouldn’t focus on trying to get him to lose weight, but prevent from putting on more. Don’t make him miserable by restricting lots of food, instead introduce more of the filling things that he does enjoy. Build his self esteem and confidence up, lots of compliments ‘Wow I bet your strong!’ ‘You look handsome today!’

Does he play out with friends? My ds has become much more confident after going out with friends. I’ve also bought him a smart watch (A huawei one, avout £30), just gave it to him as a watch but he brought up himself that he had a set a new record for the amount of steps he had done, and is now taking an interest on trying to up his steps every day.

Also try looking into an Oculus Quest VR, both my ds’s love it. You are stood up playing the games, ones like boxing really get your heartbeat racing and moving a lot of muscles!

They are spendy so maybe worth looking into for a birthday or Xmas gift.

DS2 was overweight at 11.
We are a skinny family, me, DH and DS1 can eat anything and not put on weight so it was a bit of a surprise. Unlike you though I never acknowledged it. I made lots of suggestions but tiptoed round saying anything for all the reasons you gave. He ate the same as the rest of us though was inclined to be inactive. I always cooked from scratch and relatively healthy but didn't monitor portion size.
Eventually it was obvious that it was bothering him and I grasped the nettle.
He was hugely relieved to have it acknowledged and discussed. We made a plan to try and maintain his weight as I fully expected a growth spurt to sort it out.
I made a chart of foods coded green, amber and red.
Green he could eat as much as he wanted, amber ok in moderation and red only occasionally. He would eat family meals but not have seconds. He would walk daily and try to do some exercise.

He always drank a lot of diet coke and I firmly believe that was a factor though can't explain why.

All this was done in a very positive gentle way and it worked. It wasn't easy because his 14 year old sibling was so far opposite that he was trying to gain weight. A year later he had lost his chubby midriff and was much less self concious.

He is 24 now and 6'4 and slim but while he doesn't diet he has to be mindful of what he eats. His sibling is still trying to gain weight.

Lots of comments on here from people who are thinking of diet for adults. For an 11 year old boy it's different. They need carbs and energy. The thing that stands out for me is the sugar.

I’m guessing a degree of either secret eating or you not including everything. Does he really test have a panini or baguette for lunch or is it accompanied by crisps, cake and a drink. What is the filling these paninis Does he only have one snack in the after/evening? Any deserts? Sweets/treats, takeaways?

How much pocket money and how much dinner money is he getting a week?

My eldest never felt hungry and was underweight. Also had allergies so was under consultant at hospital. I remember consultant telling me that she had some patients (children) who were always hungry and would get the shakes if they didn't eat. My Ds was the opposite.
It was something about appetite centre in the brain and satiety. It sounds to me like your DS is always hungry. And the choices he makes then are not good.

You have my sympathy OP. My dd is 11. She’s autistic and has adhd and eating is becoming a real issue. For sensory reasons she can’t eat certain foods and has quite a restrictive diet though thankfully eats a lot of veg. She attends a special school and their meals are very very carb heavy. Sausage sandwiches, nachos, cake, bacon sandwiches for snacks. She struggles in team sports because if she can’t do it she gets really stressed out. She’s definitely an emotional eater and the adhd adds an impulsive eating side to her. She also doesn’t know when she’s full. It’s very difficult as she feels fat (we’ve not said anything) and she’s very sensitive to her weight.

Thanks everyone for your comments, lots to think about, good and bad.

DEFINITELY yes - he's had a rough few years with me being so ill, moving in with his dad, starting secondary school, etc, I definitely don't underestimate the impact this has all had on him. I do my absolute best to make sure he knows I love him and value him and just want the best for him.

I'm not lying about his average day, why would I come on here and ask for help and then lie?!

His school app tells me exactly what he's bought, it's always a bread roll or hash browns, and a panini/baguette, nothing else.

I'm going to order a Ring Fit- I think we could all benefit from it and would be great to use the Switch for something positive! Have also convinced him to give Basketball sessions a try after school at local leisure centre although he'll only go if a friend does (shy/only child syndrome) so I've text a few friends mums.

I think if he’s obsessed with ‘coolness’ I think it would be worth investing in a PT session once a week with a muscly, ripped bloke who can be a good role model. He will see the Tupperware boxes of protein, the veg and the water drinking. Getting into building muscle rather than cardio might be more palatable exercise for him.

He seems pretty obsessed with coolness, no packed lunch, no fruit- but man boobs aren’t really cool either.

I think his lunch and his breakfasts are the biggest problem as they are not keeping him full. I know you are being good and offering healthier options as snacks- but no one who has eaten a big bowl of cereal, a croissant and a panini needs peanut butter and rice cakes when they come home.

Once he gets over the awfulness of taking a packed lunch- would he take some chicken wings or chicken pieces? Some eggs? Some crudités and a bit of hummus?

For breakfast- does he like cheese and meats? German style breakfast? More filling than Cheerios.

Would he eat a cooked breakfast? Veggie or chicken sausages? Bacon medallions? Beans?

Better than cheerios and would fill him up.

Hi @MeredithMae, it sounds like you’ve both had a very tough two years, I really hope you continue to recover & improve💐. I agree with other posters - the exercise you can build up very slowly (ring fit & basketball are both great ideas…is there anywhere at home you could put a hoop so he can play with a ball on his own & with friends?) but it’s food that needs to be addressed first. On the breakfast front could you swap out the useless cereal for some low fat/calorie, high protein sausages (Asda gfy ones have a good rep) with some low sugar (or home made) baked beans or perhaps fried kale with tomatoes & mushrooms? Increasing protein and reducing the amount of carbs is key. The weights are also a good shout - converting some fat to muscle may well also advance his confidence and give him the impetus to try/do more.

I have to agree that the food offered in secondary schools is TERRIBLE! My DD comes home telling me she's had sausage rolls, pizza wraps, scone with jam and clotted cream..... this is all at break time which is only 1 hour before lunch.

I limit her account to £20 a month. Once it's gone, it's gone. Snacks from home will be soreen or a home baked cake (when I can be arsed to make them) and a piece of fruit.

She is a healthy weight but has no control over eating rubbish. She would spend all of her pocket money on sweets if I let her.

Definitely agree with looking at the mental health/self esteem side of things. I binged as a kid and as an adult I can see it definitely started after trauma (you being in hospital for 18 months and him living somewhere else counts as trauma, not blaming you in the slightest but it will definitely have had an effect). What does his week look like, hobbies and clubs wise? You say he’s only had a friend over once? What responsibilities does he have to give himself a sense of pride? I think the focus needs to come off weight and food. (I’ve been there at his age, it can be a very small life focussing on food and fatness all the time!)