Excruciating situation that I had DEFINITELY NOT thought through. What am I going to do?!

[Diditopknot]

Absolutely delighted to have landed myself a dream job that is just amazing and life changing.
Before I tell you my issue I need to tell you that I suffer from a degree of social anxiety.

I never EVER go to works do’s, party’s, weddings, leaving do’s birthday parties, pubs…ever. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t own any “going out clothing”.
I’m considerably overweight, old and very introvert.

I have been invited by my new employer to a “company meeting “ which takes place in a hotel over 2 days. Very keen to attend, can’t wait to get started with this amazing opportunity.

The info about the “meeting “ arrived, all good until I get to the bottom… You are invited to dinner at said hotel, meet at 7pm for cocktails, Meal at 8pm, dress code ….1920’s Gatsby “
The whole thing, hotel & train tickets all paid for by the company.

What the fuck am I going to do?
It is so far removed from what I feel comfortable with,
There’s no way I would ever agree to going to something like this!!!!

Talk to your boss. If they have any degree of empathy they will understand.

As someone (an organisational psychologist, head of executive development) who frequently has run these (very creative) events for anything from 20 to 300 people - please don’t worry. Most of the bankers I work with are also introverted and we have a huge range of participant levels though most attend, some do so more quietly and perhaps leave earlier. As SCB is Asia, Africa and the Middle east - the majority don’t drink too.

Think back to a time when you have overcome such anxiety to attend something, even for a small amount - what made it happen? What/who helped? Tell yourself this story.. it could even be 20 years ago, doesn’t matter.

How many is it for? This may tidally change my comments feeling. The smaller hopefully the more informal and easier??

You have several options-

1. go to the day events but not the evening. This is perfectly ok. Make a friendly excuse/prior engagement etc and stay in your room or even nip home if near.
2. speak to the person or team who’s running it and confidentially as you are new you don’t know what to expect and it’s not really your favorite environment ( be as honest as you can in the moment if you trust them - if they dont respect it then they are unprofessional).
3. You could ask for options of where to sit. When not running an event, Personally I hate being at the front but love being in a corner - (good view from a distance) where I can nip out if I prefer.
4. plan for someone to sit with that you’d like to get to know - ask in team maybe or approach / drift near them later!
5. I very much assume one of those who took you in will intro you and make you feel comfortable as possible..
6. wear what you are comfortable in - maybe something not bright colours so you can blend in or favorite colour. Maybe a “normal” outfit for you but with a few props that you can easily take on or off if you feel odd - eg hat, red Neckertie - it’s only there as an icebreaker to get people mixing, not being too cliquey.

Plan some back up option if it’s too much - say you’ve got an important call with someone can’t avoid - eg sneak out after the main course. Or nip out for a break, just to call someone then go back in - a friend to load off in and create a few thoughts to go back in with.

I would hate people to feel uncomfortable at my events - we cater for everyone and 50% are introverted - even more so in some industries.

Think what’s the worse that can happen, really? Go as open curious mindset - as you can - you have a lot of options above and they clearly see a lot in you already - they want to get to know you. Go to find out.

When new in a company - think of it as an experiment to ‘test’ them - not you. I’m a firm believer that HOW they treat you on entry and what you notice, is a total insight into the real culture - what do you observe about what behaviours and people are respected, acknowledged.. how diverse and genuine is it?
If it’s awful then that’s their fault not yours - it may save you energy and time seeing it early in.

But it sounds like you will probably love it - take your job enthusiasm with you. It will give you amazing context and contacts in you job. Think of a few things you’d love to find out about - this makes your focus in others not you. (Great and are tell me in three adjectives that describes the culture at its best and then 3 at its worst, what is most valued, their best/worst moment at work)..

There’s only one thing that’s worse than being invited to these business events.

Not being invited.

Congratulations on getting this fabulous new job!
I am quite introverted and instinctively don't like social settings where I don't know people. I am also really not good as small talk. I used to work for a company that had big formal dos once a year and I learned that a) most people don't give two hoots about what you are wearing as long as you look as if you have made an effort, and b) it really is true that people like to talk about themselves. So, rather than talk about myself, I would ask people about their work, where they sit in the organisation, what they really enjoy about their job or role, their interests, etc. Even if you know nothing about their hobby, you can usually find a something about it that you can ask them to expand upon. A couple of people that I met that way ended up being my friends and we would support each other in different ways when we worked for the same company.
Try not to approach this like something that you have to bear, like a root canal or a smear test. Instead, look at it as an opportunity to start building relationships with your new colleagues and to find out about them. You may find one or two people who share your values and priorities; they may become good allies in your new role and in the future. You can do this!

Regarding cocktails, I don't take alcohol either so I have a tomato juice and if anyone asks I say it's a Bloody Mary. Or you could have orange juice and call it a Screwdriver. I doubt anyone will look what you're drinking.
Yes it IS part of the job and having done so brilliantly, you'll be able to do this bit too. Good luck!

I'd LOVE it!
But can sympathise with you if it's your worst nightmare, bless ya. But you've already survived an interview (my nightmare!) and smashed it, so anything else from now on should be a breeze. I presume you'll be attending lots of meetings in the future where you'll have to participate? Think of this as just another meeting, with food and a dress code/uniform. It's one night. Usually/more often than not, our thoughts are worse than the actual events we fret about x Congratulations and good luck 💐

I have to do this sort of stuff with work too. I hate it. I do try and just see it as work, never drink very much and slope off after dinner when others are getting boozy. The odd thing is - I know LOADS AND LOADS of people who also hate these things. So know also - you will certainly not be the only one on your table feeling like you are. I can promise you this.
Well done on the job 💥 hope the dinner goes well .

Well done for getting your dream job. What a shame your own mind is stopping you from enjoying that weekend. Can I suggest trying hypnotherapy. Unless you feel like teling them the truth....then simply go there..do the work aspect and LIE...tell them at the end of the day that you feel suddenly a bit poorly and what a shame you will miss the dinner....go to bed and watch telly!

Knee or calf length black dress, (with beading if you can find anything nice) then just add the dress pieces like boa or shawl headband ...with feather if you can, black gloves. Black kitten heels? See it as a work assignment not a social gathering. Xxxx

Hmmm. I think the first thing is that you don't have to go to the evening event. The meeting is probably considered as part of the job, but you seemed in your OP to be "up for that".

When you've thoroughly acknowledged that you don't have to go you may be able to think more logically about it. The reason I emphasise that you don't need to go is that if you feel as desperate as you say, you might easily end up offending someone accidentally, and a politely worded "My social anxiety prevents me from attending the evening event" would be preferable.

Then, once you've "let yourself off the hook" you may be able to look at each aspect of the event, think about which would be most difficult for you, and consider if there's any way you might be able arrange things more easily. Eg (as someone said) ascertaining the hotel's mocktail menu in advance, and choosing a couple that sound nice; so that you can order without the need to explain anything to anyone. (If anyone says a word, just give them a "look" and turn away for a moment.)(This response might also serve you well if you have a wobbly moment.)

I wonder if, from what you've said, you are hoping that this new job might be a new beginning for you? Maybe the New You does actually go out and enjoy herself?
Or perhaps you can imagine yourself in an acting role for the evening?

But before you make your decision, please eradicate from your vocabulary the words overweight and old. They are not relevant here!!

I hope that in the end you're able to enjoy/survive the event unscathed. Or alternatively write a brief note to whoever sent the details and then either go for a walk or enjoy the evening in your room (maybe even go over your notes from the daytime "work") and wake refreshed and ready for the next day's Meeting.

My Best Wishes,

@Diditopknot

Thank you thank you THANKYOU each and every one of you for not calling me an ungrateful twat and telling to grow up!!

Even the thought of wearing a dress, feathers and all that shite makes my skin crawl and makes me feel sick.

But if I do look at it (like a very wise pp said up thread) as just part of the job for a couple of hours I will do my best to crawl through it. With gritted teeth, forced smile I shall persevere.

Then I shall raise through the ranks, ban all of these shinanegans and sit on a throne wearing a tiara in my fancy office.

😍👌🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻- good for you OP! And massive congratulations on the job- I agree you don't give yourself enough credit xxx

I’m overweight too and hate dressing up.
I would try a black dress that you feel comfortable in and then accessorise like hell to give it the 20s feel.
Long pearl necklace
Headband
Long gloves

Good luck with the new job!!

www.largeandlovelyfancydress.co.uk/20s--flapper-jewelled-headband-44667-5976-p.asp
www.largeandlovelyfancydress.co.uk/20s-flapper-accessory-set-6735-p.asp

Just decline on Covid grounds to be honest social events should be minimised at the moment unless absolutely necessary.

@Rodion

Plenty of people will also hate that there's a theme, so you won't be alone in the dread. Totally agree about wearing any outfit you feel comfortable in and dressing up with accessories. It just needs to be a nod to the theme, I doubt everyone will be in full 1920s regalia (although some enthusiastic fancy dressers may).

In terms of alcohol you could look up the hotels cocktail menu in advance and see if they have any mocktails - then if not you have time to call in advance talk to them about what you could order on the night so that you're prepared (a virgin mojito is always a reliable choice).

These days enormous amount of 0% alcohol drinks which look like the real thing. Check with hotel ! Well done. The event will be over before you know it just focus on job

just get yourself a nice black dress and a bit of being jewellery , i had this dilemma a few months back and I felt fine in what I was comfortable in I'm just like you and I don't do dresses I wore eider leg black trousers and a black top some silver bling

I had to do this recently for a friend's 40th. I thought I might die but survived just fine and feel stronger for it. I would improvise. Maxi black dress if short dresses make you uncomfortable. Headband gloves and a feather boa to fidget with. God knows I need something to fidget with in social situations. I also invested in shapewear last year and it has loads for my confidence. Ignore if it is not your thing.

I'd be trying to channel this kind of 'grown up" look rather than beads and feathers. Hope it all goes well. I find these events awful too and end up underdressed and uncomfortable half the time.

I don't deal with these types of situations well either, dress in black, either trousers or a dress and tights, accessorise with silver, jewellery etc, a nice hair comb could be your nod to the 20s theme or top It with a boa or a fake cigarette in a holder, you clearly interview well and that means you deal with pressure well, treat it as a big job interview, if you feel pressured to drink, use my best trick, ask for a soda water, sparkling apple juice or lemonade in a champagne flute. No one will question it unless they overhear your order, I successfully manage a lot of situations where you're 'expected' to drink using this trick!! If you don't feel comfortable with that just ask for a soda water with ice and lemon and if anyone asks what you want to drink ask for soda to "top up your vodka"

You CAN do this and you WILL look amazing. You just have to tell yourself you want to go. I have to tell myself "I planned this I'm looking forward to this I can do this" and prepare some small talk in my own head. A lot of people don't understand social anxiety, especially when you function well everyday. Good luck you will sparkle! 😘

I had a similar/dissimilar occasion and I supposedly suffer from no anxiety at all. I had to meet my partners parents for the first time and despite being 53 I felt they would be judging me and my suitability.
Prior to going I decided to think of them as potential business clients and therefore try not to worry about what they thought of my personality. I already had the ‘role’ of girlfriend so the job was mine. Just needed to get through the meeting.
In your case the people you will be meeting will
only be looking at you in terms of professional suitability. And you too already have the job.
So work the room. Don’t expect to ‘enjoy’ it. But aim to succeed !!! Good luck.

Just saw your update.

Can I request a picture in the future of the fancy office tiara wearing throne residing topknot?! Well bloody done.

@MadMadaMim
Before the weird world we now live in, my jobs always had quarterly away days and annual away weeks. I have had to find ways of dressing up for so many themes.

Terrifying this is common.

Do things like team building away days doing something totally unrelated to your job still happen? Popular with investment banks in the 1990s. Awful.

Knowing full well you were being judged on the nonsense too.

@AngelinaFibres

The thing to remember Op is that you know you have social anxiety but absolutely no one else in that room does. You were clearly the best person at interview and you got the job. You are clearly marvellous. The previous outfit ideas are great. You need to play a part for these few hours. You are not the life and soul of the party ,that's a step too far, but you are a friendly colleague who accepts the need to attend these things and makes an effort

Good advice

@PermanentTemporary

Set a goal for the evening? You're clearly professional, so set yourself a few tasks?

• say hi to at least 2 direct reports and note whether they appear to be loving it or are also gritting their teeth: ask where they would rather be that evening
• scope out any potential people who are looking for a mentor and why: is your team good at this or is it a new idea to them
• say hi to your new boss and thank him for the invitation: ask if they did the same thing last year and what the theme was.

Plan a nonalcoholic drink that you won't knock back in one - Heineken 0% quite good.

Consider medication like betablockers if the anxiety is really bad...

More good advice re seeing and using it as a work opportunity- this is the mental route I would choose.

OP I'm dying to know what your new job is. I'd love to get out of the public sector (teaching) to an industry that doesn't treat it's employees like shit.

@WorstXmasEver

I'd quit the job. I'm too old to play dress-up & have some boss mucking me about like that.

Sure you would. Did you read the part where OP said it's the most amazing job and sounds like she's utterly delighted to get it.