Let's list out the mental load/women's work

[indiesearcher]

I'm sitting down with DH later to go through ALL the mental load things I do, the invisible chores, the 'women's work' as some refer to it. We are going to try to split it more fairly.

So far I have:

Laundry
Meal planning/food order
Feeding animals
And kids
Bills
Renewals (insurances etc)
Birthdays
Children's appointments
Our appointments

What else is there?

Let's keep this going... I want to know it AALLL.

Bins
Recycling
Dentist
Sorting clothes to charity shop
Cleaning oven/microwave

Taking/sorting kids to buy new shoes and uniform

That's exactly it - 'dealing with used masks' involves tracking them down and putting them in the wash or asking someone else to do that, obviously washing, drying then ensuring that everyone knows where the clean ones are.

It's not much but even simple tasks need someone to keep in mind, even if it's only reminding others what to do.

Emergency days off when school phone up to say your child is sick
New lunch boxes
Who covers inset days / school holidays?
Dog walking
Cat litter tray
Snake feeding
Unwell/wet child in the night
Child in hospital- emergency
Child in hospital- planned
Who stays with child in hospital? Who stays home?
I'll or injured parents/grandparents- who can do what
And who checks to see when the toothpaste runs out?

@Twitterwhooooo

That's exactly it - 'dealing with used masks' involves tracking them down and putting them in the wash or asking someone else to do that, obviously washing, drying then ensuring that everyone knows where the clean ones are.

It's not much but even simple tasks need someone to keep in mind, even if it's only reminding others what to do.

I think this is really important.

It's first of all realising everyone in the house needs masks, then working out how many. then buying them. Then distributing them, then keeping track of them, Its knowing who has how many masks, and where the dirty ones are. Its making sure the clean ones are put back somewhere accessible regularly. Its keeping track of how many may have been lost (yes ds - Iooking at you here!) and knowing when you need to buy more

dh is oblivious to it all. every single mask in the house could be lost/dirty and he would only notice when he came to get one out of the box to go somewhere, (if he even remebered to do that) It just would literally never occur to him to even give a moments consideration to whether there were enough clean masks available in the house.

Remembering to check the oil in the cars, vet check ups, flea treatments, car servicing/MOT, dentist appointments, taking kids to parties and sitting with a weak cup of tea in a rowdy village hall, wishing their was some signal, trying to avoid awkward small talk with other parents.

Kids' clothes, buying, sorting out, keeping clean and where they're kept.

Gifts.

Toys. Sorting out old ones/outgrown.

Freezer. Stocking and using foods.

Bedding changing.

Beach items for a day out.

Dealing with masks though, is as complicated as you make it, and yes you can break it down into a million steps.

But in our house, used washable masks go into the laundry basket. All members of the household do this, and if one languishes in a school bag or in the car, there are enough to tide us over - and a box of disposables ones too. Once laundered - which takes zero amount more thinking that the laundry anyway (done by both my husband and I, whoever notices the basket is full or wants to put something in) - all masks go into a basket by the door. So it’s easily visible without thinking that we have enough.
Ditto the disposable box. We don’t check it, or think about it. We just see it’s low, and take about 30 seconds to do a repeat order on our phones. They arrive next day and so far we haven’t both ordered! But no matter if we did.

It’s just easy, there’s no load about it. There are so many things where I think the stress isn’t the “load” per se, it’s the unfairness that one person is doing it - easy or not.

To be fair to he does a lot of what is listed on here. Holidays, pet care, liaising with DC friends' parent for kids' social lives, for gifts I dare say he'd shove money in a card

He doesn't seem to notice things need cleaning, I blame his mum for never teaching him, her house is always filthy too so he probably ever saw it happen anyway.

Ditto with washing, he'd put everything in together like his mum does and then tumble the lot. I separate colours and types and line dry like my mum and nan did. I have taken his lead with ironing and stopped it! I prompted him to get someone to do it as it was always his work shirts, he does liaise with her and pay her. He'd be rubbish with kids clothes I think as he's rubbish about buying and hanging his own, just doesn't care how tatty they are!

For school stuff he is better now they're at secondary and he's a secondary teacher.

Over the years I've talked to him about it but his argument was always that lot of it didn't need doing. For the bits that matter he said he'd do. Too some extent he is right. I know a lot of my angst came from a controlling mother who wanted things done a certain way and worried what people thought, think Hyacinth Bucket and I felt I had to live up to it and I think a lot of women do too. My children would certainly live in a different way (not bad, but not what I want for them) if brought up just by him.

I've actually managed to offload this one! I do the friends and family that I brought into the relationship, and leave DH's family and friends to him.
He massively cocked up over Xmas and forgot to thank one person, to whom it was very important to receive and Very Much Noticed. He had to do a lot of apologising, but I suspect it will be a lesson learnt. I did feel a flash of embarrassment when he said he'd had a shirty text (because we all know that people will always blame the woman for that sort of lapse), but it passed quickly and I don't feel any kind of guilt, which is really refreshing!

Urgh, the quote didn't post! It was in reply to thank you cards/messages for gifts etc.

@Twitterwhooooo

That's exactly it - 'dealing with used masks' involves tracking them down and putting them in the wash or asking someone else to do that, obviously washing, drying then ensuring that everyone knows where the clean ones are.

It's not much but even simple tasks need someone to keep in mind, even if it's only reminding others what to do.

I actually agree that used masks are yet another item for the mental load. Recently a stray mask in the washing machine made its way to the filter, requiring the filter to be removed, the mask unwound and thrown away and a drum clean to be done. Now all masks have to go in a net bag to prevent this happening again. Each task is not time consuming. But someone somewhere has to remember this among many many other tasks. And someone (me again) had to solve the problem of stray masks and filters never meeting again. AND I had to source and buy the fucking net bags, 3 quid , Amazon, pack of two after measuring to see they weren't massive but also not tiny. And I get to check all masks, repair if possible, replace if not. Small insignificant task my fucking arse.

Clearing out the fridge of leftovers or saved which ultimately turns into some lab experiment.

Washing up plates, cutlery, cups that always get dumped on the bench to clean or place in dishwasher, likewise empty containers of jam, butter, milk containers - dumped for some sucker to tidy away, same with empty loo rolls!

Also returning any unwanted christmas items .. or people changing minds

Repeat prescriptions
Keeping on top of follow up appointments e.g. consultants, paediatrician, opticians
Planning ahead if child is poorly/gets Covid
Keeping abreast of child's interests to plan ahead for birthdays/child's friends' birthdays

@DiamondBright

I don't currently have another adult to share the load with, thankfully also don't have dc young enough to need costumes and PE kits now either, those days are behind me.

The things that get me down are, are the repetitive tasks like

• deciding what to have for dinner, and when I ask for suggestions not getting any, like no one else can make a decision.
• The never ending laundry, if I don't put a load on each day someone needs something that isn't washed, and they're all people who can operate a washing machine.
• Making sure we have essentials in like milk, bread, packed lunch stuff etc.
• Washing up and tidying the kitchen, I have people who will do these things but only if asked and reminded.

Can you add, using your eyes and initiative to the list? Just seeing things need doing and doing them.

I assume you have older children from your post. Some of those tasks can easily be done by them ;)

Day-to-day checking bank accounts, credit cards etc online. Each month, downloading all the 'online-only' bank account statements, credit card statements, bills - gas, electric, water, phones/broadband, mobiles etc.
Then checking each statement to ensure there are no rogue charges.

All things childcare: Finding childcare, arranging payments, end of term gifts for teachers, theme days, bring in XXX days, childcare for when the usual childcare isn’t available, childcare for the child that isn’t going to the medical appointment because you’re no longer allowed to take siblings. Generally pulling in favours just to be able to do everything.

Everything friendship-based: Play dates, birthday parties, gifts, hobbies & clubs, fall-out when they argue, helping them navigate friendships. Basically all the emotional shit that sometimes makes you hate other kids.

Everything healthcare: Appointments, school nurse permission forms, ensuring there’s enough Calpol etc.

I could go on, but I fear I’m starting to sound angry...

Oh god, I feel like my brain is like a news ticker. DH does occasionally play the feeble card with the kids' wardrobe management and other uninteresting admin but the big one for me was him taking over the meal planning and main grocery shop, freed me up to add more admin into my life (committees and hobbies )

Fixing/replacing any household item that gets broken or malfunctions

Hi there @indiesearcher

Did you ever compile a full list that you could share please?

thanks