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Let's list out the mental load/women's work

171 replies

indiesearcher · 04/01/2022 19:38

I'm sitting down with DH later to go through ALL the mental load things I do, the invisible chores, the 'women's work' as some refer to it. We are going to try to split it more fairly.

So far I have:

Laundry
Meal planning/food order
Feeding animals
And kids
Bills
Renewals (insurances etc)
Birthdays
Children's appointments
Our appointments

What else is there?

Let's keep this going... I want to know it AALLL.

OP posts:
PlayerOneNotReady · 04/01/2022 21:13

Booking the babysitter for when you are both out; working out how long you're going to be and how much it will cost, and having the right amount of cash to pay them with

ProfessorSillyStuff · 04/01/2022 21:14

Also how when I clear a surface, things go to their actual home. When anyone else is asked to help, they just bung things elsewhere. Or some other temporary non-solution for other chores iyswim.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 04/01/2022 21:15

Replacing stuff before it runs out eg batteries, bulbs, hoover bags.

Following local fb groups to keep up with local news that will affect us.

Clearing out the fridge.

Researching clubs and activities - general enrichment of family life.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 04/01/2022 21:18

Also all tech and media family accounts and parental supervision settings, and most of safeguarding in general , teaching habits, life skills and boundary setting.

DillonPanthersTexas · 04/01/2022 21:23

Half of this stuff doesn’t actually have to be done.

Quite

Also, I never got the 'doing the bills'. Assuming you are not struggling financially utilities, internet, insurance, TV license etc is all on direct debit? You check in now and again to see if there are any good deals out there but the way some folk moan on MN you think they live in Blenheim Palace.

Terfydactyl · 04/01/2022 21:24

@rrhuth

It is good you are going to try to split this more evenly. It is only women's work if women do it!

It is possible to refuse to do all this stuff. I just never took a lot of it on and have to stay quiet when listening to friends as I don't know what to say.

Same. I remember well the Christmas years ago DPs mum gave me the next years calendar and told me all the relevant dates were in it. And I said thank you so much, I think that's for DP. And gave it to him. She was speechless and I didnt care. I have max 4 birthdays to remember, DP has more than 30. Therefore not my problem. For OP along with all the other shite, getting deals and stuff on gas/electric/tv/broadband etc.
SkankingMopoke · 04/01/2022 21:25
  • Cleaning the filter on the washing machine and running a maintenance wash.
  • Extracting the clogging hair and fluff from plug holes before it becomes a major issue.
  • Descaling the kettle (and making sure there's enough descaler in the cupboard).
  • Ensuring the houseplants survive.
  • Making sure key clothing items find their way to the wash basket and are washed and dried in time for the next use: PE kit, DC-specific sportswear, Beavers uniform etc. So many occasions where they weren't in the basket so not washed, and eventually discovered 20mins before needing to leave the house screwed up and covered in ketchup. It's not enough to go through the basket and pick out the priority items to wash first, because I can't rely on DCs not stuffing them somewhere random! I have to remember to physically locate them every Friday night to make sure they're 'in the system' and will be ready in time.

It's basically the jobs which if they aren't remembered and done in good time, it is either a major problem or too late and a new one must now be bought eg plumber now required for blockage, fined because vehicle isn't taxed, or the houseplants are dead.

immersivereader · 04/01/2022 21:28

Children's savings accounts.

Going away fro the weekend? That's four lots of packing /unpacking. Frigging relentless

sheroku · 04/01/2022 21:28

Same. I remember well the Christmas years ago DPs mum gave me the next years calendar and told me all the relevant dates were in it. And I said thank you so much, I think that's for DP. And gave it to him. She was speechless and I didnt care.

I always sign all of the Christmas cards to my partner's family just from me. He's very vocal in saying that Christmas cards are a waste of time so I'm not going to pretend that they're from him. I also hope his family get the message that I'm not doing the "woman's work" on his behalf.

immersivereader · 04/01/2022 21:30

Filling up:

Cooking Oils
Hand-wash
Toilet rolls
Kitchen rolls

Emptying all the bins

Pairing lost socks.

immersivereader · 04/01/2022 21:31

I have to admit to not getting involved with DH's family organisations whatsoever. They speak a different language and it's an easy cop out. I do remind DH to call his dad though. But that's it. No cards, gifts, organisation of get togethers etc.

DillonPanthersTexas · 04/01/2022 21:34

Following local fb groups to keep up with local news that will affect us

You seriously including that as mental load! What local news do you get off FB? Missing cats and kids scooters for sale?

Woodlandwater · 04/01/2022 21:35

I read a blog that suggested listing was the wrong way to shift this work, instead it recommended cards. So you own the card for the task and card includes all the things relevant.

An example might be taking your son to a piano lesson. The 'card' for piano lesson will involve taking and picking him up, but also making sure the piano teacher is paid, that the son practices every day, that the piano is properly maintained and that all the right books have been purchased.

So the card system means that the person (often man) can't wiggle out of the actual mental load for most tasks.

SkankingMopoke · 04/01/2022 21:54

@DillonPanthersTexas

Half of this stuff doesn’t actually have to be done.

Quite

Also, I never got the 'doing the bills'. Assuming you are not struggling financially utilities, internet, insurance, TV license etc is all on direct debit? You check in now and again to see if there are any good deals out there but the way some folk moan on MN you think they live in Blenheim Palace.

Much could be left to be done until it becomes an issue, but would then cost more either in time, money or both than if it had been planned for/preventative maintenance undertaken etc. That brings its own stresses and I don't know anyone with the budget to be able to wing it to that extent.

In terms of doing the bills, direct debits/standing orders you forget about are fine for some stuff, but for other things I need to remember to adjust at regular periods eg pause DC's tutor fees for 2 weeks because she doesn't teach in the holidays. There is also all the one-offs eg DD2 has gained a new gymnastics badge, so I need to log in to their system to buy it. They 'doing' is minimal time (although it soon adds up!), it is the mental load of remembering it needs to be done.

FurryAntiWaxer · 04/01/2022 22:07

Some of these are about priorities. If left to their own devices would DH want houseplants, decorative cushions and an interesting variety of meals, or would they just eat grilled sausages and frozen mixed vegetables most nights?
All my DC do karate, same class, same night, same gradings, gender-neutral uniforms passed from DC to DC. DH comes from a sports mad family and can't understand why our DC aren't in team sports. If he can't figure that out, that's his problem.
Who decides that DC need a plethora of ballet/football/basketball/cricket/ gymnastics. If DH thinks it necessary he should carry that load. If it's your thing, don't put it on anyone else to do the running around. DC don't need that in their life either.

StormBaby · 04/01/2022 22:14

I haven’t read the thread so I’m sure there will be some repeats. This is what I used to do when I was with ex-h who was useless. My now-DH is a do-er so takes a lot more on. I’m still very much the leader though.

Work full time
Study
Do homework with kids and at one point, homeschooled.
All the housework
Financial budgeting 6 months in advance
Paying bills
Meal planning
Food shopping
All cooking
Drs appointments for all
Repeat prescriptions
Reminding DH to take his meds
School appointments
SEN appointments
Clearing out old clothing
Buying new clothing
Feeding pets
Worming schedules
Annual Vets visits
Paying dog Walker
Walking dogs
Taking the kids to sports clubs, including making sure their clothing and equipment is ready

Remembering and organising birthday gifts, cards, parties, treats
Booking days out
Booking holidays and transfers
Organising passports
Packing everyone’s suitcases
Organising pet sitters
All diy
All gardening
Plan, buy presents and do all of the Christmas Day cooking, tidying, wrapping

Wrongkindofovercoat · 04/01/2022 22:17

I do
all the cleaning, including buying the cleaning products.
all laundry, including the stuff required to do it, drying it, folding it, ironing, sorting socks and pairing and putting away.Change beds, buy new bedding as needed.
Source and buy new stuff or new to us stuff for the house as needed.
99% of food shopping so ensuring we have pack lunch stuff and all the other essentials, carry it from the car and put it away. Clear out and clean fridge and do a stock take of the freezer.
All school related stuff for the children, to ensure they have the right stuff on the right day, replace anything lost or broken or outgrown.
All tip runs, including loading up the car, not sure DH knows where it is.
All gardening, including poo picking from DDog. Also walk DDog and feed them, organise vet appointments.
Organise all Christmas, so get everything out of the loft, put up the tree etc and Birthdays, DH will order a few gifts if the fancy takes him. I buy cards, buy stamps, find addresses and post them.
Organised it so he could order his prescriptions online (before that I would ring the GP to get a repeat) by going to the GP's collecting the forms, getting him to fill them out and returning them, I go and collect them 90% of the time. I also remind him to go for his blood tests and found out where the best place was for him to go and the opening times.
All holiday admin other than booking one, I do all packing in the house, car and fit the roof box if required and the reverse. Carry all luggage to the holiday accomodation, unpack and do laundry/cooking/cleaning etc whilst we are there.
Do the majority of cooking/meal planning.
load the dishwasher and hand wash the stuff that needs it, empty dishwasher and put everything away.
Put the bins/recycling out on the appropriate day and bring the bins etc back again. I also put the recycling in the bins, empty the kitchen bin into the big bin. buy the binbags so we can do this.
Buy 99% of all clothes and shoes for everyone except DH, although at least 80% of what he has I bought either as gifts or because I recognised they needed replacing.

up until a couple of years ago, organise all childcare and pay for it, including finding someone to take the children at 0645 as DH couldn't possibly be expected to get up and take them at a more reasonable hour even though he worked from home.
99% of car stuff, cleaning them, checking the tyres, buying stuff for them, organising MOT's , tax etc, he does organise the car insurance.
If it snows, clear the road so we can get out.

It would be honestly easier to write a list of what he does do.

Cocomarine · 04/01/2022 22:34

@Wrongkindofovercoat : why?

Isonthecase · 04/01/2022 22:35

Such a depressing list. And let's not forget things like making sure you have the nappies and wet wipes and snacks ready for trips out whilst also being moaned at for taking longer to get ready because you're getting things for multiple people instead of just rolling out the door...

Cocomarine · 04/01/2022 22:38

“When key workers are leaving, remembering to buy them a present that's different from whatever you bought them for Christmas.”

Isn’t that the very definition of making work for yourself? Why on earth does it matter if you get them the same thing? If that’s really mental load, stick to chocolates.

I always think on these threads there’s a big list of genuine tasks, and a fair few non-tasks that people invent for themselves - and that I’d tell my husband, “no” if he wanted me to share them.

Parentingdilemmas · 04/01/2022 22:41

Homework
Consent forms for school
Ordering prescriptions
Picking up medicine from pharmacy
Doctor and dental appointments
Cooking
Meal planning
Grocery shopping (mostly)
Sorting old clothes and buying new ones
Cleaning house
Dishes (mostly)

tigerbear · 04/01/2022 22:42

@Wrongkindofovercoat so you’re basically a servant to your H and family??

DillonPanthersTexas · 04/01/2022 22:47

Wrongkindofovercoat, you sound like a martyr to be honest. Why do you 'Carry all luggage to the holiday accomodation' ?

Pinetreesfall · 04/01/2022 22:53

Booking the husbands fishing trips Hmm
Oh I'll get round to it he says and then wonders why there's no space on the boat.
WHY do I do it?! I should just say tough mate!

Cocomarine · 04/01/2022 22:56

@Pinetreesfall

Booking the husbands fishing trips Hmm Oh I'll get round to it he says and then wonders why there's no space on the boat. WHY do I do it?! I should just say tough mate!
The “why do you do it” would make an interesting thread, actually!

I get that you’d do carry more load than a partner for something that impacts your child, or costs your household money if you don’t. But skivvying around booking his fishing trip? Just why?!!