Let's list out the mental load/women's work

[indiesearcher]

I'm sitting down with DH later to go through ALL the mental load things I do, the invisible chores, the 'women's work' as some refer to it. We are going to try to split it more fairly.

So far I have:

Laundry
Meal planning/food order
Feeding animals
And kids
Bills
Renewals (insurances etc)
Birthdays
Children's appointments
Our appointments

What else is there?

Let's keep this going... I want to know it AALLL.

I shouldn't do it but it's not hard - I'm on the laptop easily 14 hours a day for work so it's easy to do. I'm a do-er and it drives me nuts how he says 'oh I'll do it later'...and then never does.
It also gets him out the house with one of the kids so it's slightly less mad in here for a few hours - there's the incentive
I also do a lot of the other stuff people have mentioned above - again so it gets done ✅

I don't currently have another adult to share the load with, thankfully also don't have dc young enough to need costumes and PE kits now either, those days are behind me.

The things that get me down are, are the repetitive tasks like

• deciding what to have for dinner, and when I ask for suggestions not getting any, like no one else can make a decision.
• The never ending laundry, if I don't put a load on each day someone needs something that isn't washed, and they're all people who can operate a washing machine.
• Making sure we have essentials in like milk, bread, packed lunch stuff etc.
• Washing up and tidying the kitchen, I have people who will do these things but only if asked and reminded.

Can you add, using your eyes and initiative to the list? Just seeing things need doing and doing them.

The "use your eyes and see what needs doing" is a funny one.

DH rarely tidies up for anyone except himself (he's very tidy) nor will he get the kids to tidy their toys like I do.

However he regularly cleans all the windows which is something that I just don't "see" or prioritise.

Over the years I have managed to offload a fair amount of mental load to DH though not 50% of the family/household stuff. Im around the DC a lot more than he is so I see what is needed.

it's the remembering. We both get emails from school. I store the info in my brain that's already full of a million things, he apparently does not. Had no idea we had a meeting today. No, it's not my job to deal with school, we both do, but apparently it's my job to remember.

I don't understand why you live with these manbabies in a lot of these examples. Sounds like the problem is a lazy/incompetent partner rather than it being a mental load issue.

I presume you will be taking on your share of DIY and stuff that you say he does.
Do you both work the same amount of hours.

What stood out is you said you struggle to let go of things.

I agree a bit @Gufo however usually when you get together with someone there's very little mental load to share.

In my case DH dealt with his stuff and I dealt with mine. It was only when the DC came along that the mental load multiplied exponentially (mine have SN). With DS1 the fact I had 6 months maternity leave meant I automatically took on things like Dr appointments, getting his stuff ready as well as mine for the day etc.

With DS2 I told DH that I could not do it all anymore (Id been able to cope fine with just 1 DC) and he took on more.

Over the years I still do more however there's some things I just don't think about at all anymore - e.g. holidays, bills, insurance, suppliers, food shopping, sport activities for 1 DC (I do the other DC). DH is in total charge.

But we ve had to have conversations about equalising it. If I didn't speak up then DH just carried on as before not realising that there was more to do.

I agree a bit @Gufo however usually when you get together with someone there's very little mental load to share

But surely prior to children while living together there were tell tell signs of these lazy behaviours in these men? I find it hard to believe that they all cooked, cleaned, shopped, ironed, did chores without prompting then suddenly overnight turned into 'manbabies'

About a quarter of this stuff I simply don't do, either because it's not a thing in our house or I don't have /want to do it.

Half of what's left I do the remembering but delegate the procuring to OH , including running out of something. No way am I leaving the house if I don't have to when he can pick up whatever on his way home.

The other half it's all me , but I'm mostly responsible for myself , DD and sometimes the cat.

DH does a lot of housework and laundry but for me it's mostly the child related stuff like this:
Setting alarms and making sure the kids get up and have everything they need for school every day.
Keeping on top of school events, paying for them, reading the emails, remembering when the non uniform days are etc etc.
Booking and attending parents evenings
Organising playdates, birthday parties, presents for children's friends
Reminding children to have a bath, brush teeth, go to bed etc
Potty training (back in the day)
Buying growing up books and talking to them about puberty, buying period products
Meal planning, cooking and grocery shopping, including knowing who likes what to eat
Checking what homework they have and reminding them about it, ditto musical instrument practice
School/sixth form applications
Worrying about where they are and what they're doing when they're out of the house (DH wouldn't even question if one of them hadn't appeared home after school)
Related to the above, planning extra curricular activities and knowing when and where they are, paying for them, taking kids to them.
Knowing the names of kids friends and having contact details for their parents
Checking kids clothes fit and replacing them if not
Setting limits on phones/tablets and checking these for safety

I'm sure there are more....these are things I would say DH has almost never done any of in the past 15 years of being parents. I'd be interested to show him this list actually as he does spend a fair bit of time complaining that he "has to do everything in this house" because he does more housework and tidying than me.

Part of the problem with mental load/'wife work' stuff is that the obvious/listable task only takes up about 20% of the time/headspace.

Eg. OP mentions feeding animals. The actual feeding probably takes less than a minute (take food from cupboard and place in feeding bowls). The time consuming bit is working out what food to give each animal/how much/monitoring so they always have the right food for their age and size etc, buying the food (likely to be from a specific shop), monitoring your supply to make sure more is bought before you run out, cleaning up after feeding animals. Plus if fallback responsibility for feeding animals is on you, you need to plan your activities to make sure you are home to feed animals or have time to organise someone else to do it. This probably involves making sure that person knows where the food is, how much to give them, any small issues that you do without thinking (eg. make sure they have plenty of water too/don't let the dog in the room when the cat is being fed or he'll eat all the cat food/dog likes to go out for a wee after he eats etc). Plus also checking that person remembered to feed them (especially if one of the DC was given the task!). So a task that in itself takes less than 5 mins a week actually involves hours of planning and thinking.

The same goes for all the items mentioned- it's the remembering everything, keeping a (mental or actual) list of what needs to be done, looking out for extra tasks that need to be done (eg items that need cleaning/fixing etc), remembering everyone's needs and preferences. TBH, even being the one that compiles this list of mental load tasks.

@Badabingbadatinselbum

And very different to cooking dinner: thinking what to have for dinner. As in: "I'll buy the takeaway or cook or go and buy the food tocook if we don't have it. Just tell me what you want". Having to think what I and everyone else wants to eat is a mental load (and one that really bugs me).

My response to this is always "I want to not have to think about it". I rarely have to say it any more.

Is it possible once you have your final list to share it?

@violetbunny

Also, unless he is incredibly dimwitted, he knows all this stuff happens - he is just choosing not to engage in it...

Hope you read him the riot act, OP.

I have discovered they are dim witted. Well some are. Unless they physically do things for themselves, they really are next to clueless.

@nansbigpants

Part of the problem with mental load/'wife work' stuff is that the obvious/listable task only takes up about 20% of the time/headspace.

Eg. OP mentions feeding animals. The actual feeding probably takes less than a minute (take food from cupboard and place in feeding bowls). The time consuming bit is working out what food to give each animal/how much/monitoring so they always have the right food for their age and size etc, buying the food (likely to be from a specific shop), monitoring your supply to make sure more is bought before you run out, cleaning up after feeding animals. Plus if fallback responsibility for feeding animals is on you, you need to plan your activities to make sure you are home to feed animals or have time to organise someone else to do it. This probably involves making sure that person knows where the food is, how much to give them, any small issues that you do without thinking (eg. make sure they have plenty of water too/don't let the dog in the room when the cat is being fed or he'll eat all the cat food/dog likes to go out for a wee after he eats etc). Plus also checking that person remembered to feed them (especially if one of the DC was given the task!). So a task that in itself takes less than 5 mins a week actually involves hours of planning and thinking.

The same goes for all the items mentioned- it's the remembering everything, keeping a (mental or actual) list of what needs to be done, looking out for extra tasks that need to be done (eg items that need cleaning/fixing etc), remembering everyone's needs and preferences. TBH, even being the one that compiles this list of mental load tasks.

yep, this.

I have read the riot act this christmas.
Light is beginning to dawn in some places.
It needs to dawn more, before christmas will happen again.

The first bit of your quote has now been recognised. The rest hasnt for now. So for now, no more christmas.

@PeonyRose80

Is it possible once you have your final list to share it?

Yes please.

@Gufo

I don't understand why you live with these manbabies in a lot of these examples. Sounds like the problem is a lazy/incompetent partner rather than it being a mental load issue.

It is all of it. Plus, unfortunately, if they did or do such and such, eg christmas, money would be thrown at the problem, lots of it, plus so many corners cut, that it wouldnt even be recognisable as christmas.

and it wouldnt be done a second year at all.

Sorting outgrown clothes and getting rid.
Putting things away, knowing where they go.

@Woodlandwater

I read a blog that suggested listing was the wrong way to shift this work, instead it recommended cards. So you own the card for the task and card includes all the things relevant.

An example might be taking your son to a piano lesson. The 'card' for piano lesson will involve taking and picking him up, but also making sure the piano teacher is paid, that the son practices every day, that the piano is properly maintained and that all the right books have been purchased.

So the card system means that the person (often man) can't wiggle out of the actual mental load for most tasks.

ooh, that is good.

Buying next size up. Checking what growing kid will actually wear now. Ditto uniforms and sports outfits.(To be fair my DH does a lot of this now. My posts are not indicative of my own tasks!)

Knowing storage space available for all the shopping of different types. It's no good overbuying and causing issues. Cleaning storage areas (food in particular) regularly too.

@TheChild

Another one, thank you messages.

Despite it being mainly DPs friends and family buy gifts for the children, it is ALWAYS me who sends the thank you messages or calls. Because I know DP will not do it (he would just forget!) and I don't eant those people to think we are rude and ungrateful.

But god for once I wish he'd take the initiative to do this shit!

Ugh yes

Plan is to create a list yes and will share!!

Pets flea/worm treatment and annual vaccinations

Scooping litter/picking up poos

Organising care for pets for holidays

Remembering birthdays and sending birthday cards

Buying Childrens clothes when they grow out of stuff

Reminding him to put the bins out....