Let's list out the mental load/women's work

[indiesearcher]

I'm sitting down with DH later to go through ALL the mental load things I do, the invisible chores, the 'women's work' as some refer to it. We are going to try to split it more fairly.

So far I have:

Laundry
Meal planning/food order
Feeding animals
And kids
Bills
Renewals (insurances etc)
Birthdays
Children's appointments
Our appointments

What else is there?

Let's keep this going... I want to know it AALLL.

Making sure child's repeat prescriptions are put in and collected and that the calpol.plasters etc don't run out. And batteries, light bulbs etc

Remembering what days they need PE kits or whatever for school.

Making sure lunch is paid or there is a packed lunch made.

Planning Christmas.

Choosing everyone’s presents, up to and including my own.

Worrying. About pretty much anything.

Children's clothes sorting. Every 3 to 4 months having to go through the kids wardrobes and work out what fits, what needs to be replaced, handed down, sent to other relatives or to charity. If I don't do this their wardrobes end up a mess of things that don't fit. DH doesn't even know this happens.

De cluttering and charity shop donations
All kids appointments dentists hair opticians health
All cleaning including ransom stuff like cleaning bins / windows / kitchen cupboard fronts all the non obvious stuff
Tidying
Homework
Clubs
Taking & managing photos making albums etc

He recognises it. He's very aware that I do the lion's share of it and thanks me all the time. He does however roll with the 'but you don't tell me what to doooo' line.

He is super at home maintenance/DIY etc. It's all the invisible admin stuff that takes up headspace. I want to list it all (stuff I forget too) so that we can try to divvy up as much of it now and set reminders for the year/put it in diaries etc.

Great suggestions so far...

School costumes 😫😫😫

@rrhuth

It is good you are going to try to split this more evenly. It is only women's work if women do it!

It is possible to refuse to do all this stuff. I just never took a lot of it on and have to stay quiet when listening to friends as I don't know what to say.

I really wish I could do this, but I can't. It won't get done. The kids lives would be more chaotic. I couldn't stand it. My (stbx)h just wouldn't ever care enough to do all the things that need done.

And yes, I have a problem letting it go and sharing it. I gate-keep it.

Another one, thank you messages.

Despite it being mainly DPs friends and family buy gifts for the children, it is ALWAYS me who sends the thank you messages or calls. Because I know DP will not do it (he would just forget!) and I don't eant those people to think we are rude and ungrateful.

But god for once I wish he'd take the initiative to do this shit!

Seasonal stuff, like making sure children have sandals/hats/goggles/swim stuff/gloves/boots/hats etc

@Mmmmdanone

I am sure there is a level beyond which it can't be left, absolutely. I guess that is partly why he is STBXH?

But many people say they prefer to do XYZ because their DH won't do it absolutely right, in which case don't also moan about how much you have to do!

Watering plants.
Checking fridge so food is not wasted.
Emptying out fridge when needed and wiping shelves (not just loading new food on top of last week's ...)

Washing cushion covers.

You need fair play cards

You get half the cards each and those are your jobs.

Buying cleaning things for bathroom, laundry and kitchen. Buying shampoos, deodorants, detangling sprays etc.

Sorting out appointments.

And very different to cooking dinner: thinking what to have for dinner. As in: "I'll buy the takeaway or cook or go and buy the food tocook if we don't have it. Just tell me what you want". Having to think what I and everyone else wants to eat is a mental load (and one that really bugs me).

Yes, tonight I have let go of the weekly Tesco order which feels huge... I'm hopeful we'll not only see savings (because he is very frugal indeed and can make a delicious meal out of beans and tinned toms), but also I'll see a big weight lifted as I'm so over planning and doing this chore!

Hanging out with people you wouldnt generally hang out with and the mental exhaustion of making small talk, just because your kids are friends.

Annual pet vet visits for vaccinations
Keeping pet vaccinations in a safe place & other filing of important docs (birth certificates, passports, etc)

Vet - routine and emergency appointments
Remember to de-flea etc the cats / de-worm the dogs
Calling tradespeople, getting quotes, making decisions, booking them in
Listening to the DC - what’s going on at school, who’s fallen out with who, etc etc..,
Talking to DC about relationships/sex
Buying sanitary products for female children, remembering which is the preferred brand
Returning items to shop for refund
Polishing shoes
Remembering that school blazers also need washing
Haircuts
Orthodontist appointments
Returning books to the library

Ad nauseam

Making sure there is enough cat litter/correct type of cat food. Cleaning up after pets.

Thinking about what the kids are you to eat (and shopping for it) if I'm going to be away from home for the day!

Constant food shopping and thinking about what I'm going to make for meals.

Laundry - this is particularly mentally exhausting as I have a large family, small house with limited drying options and kids who constantly put clean towels in the wash while it's bloody raining and I can't easily dry them!

Decluttering. DH helps but I think about it a lot.

Definitely the managing of kids’ wardrobes and stuff like whether they still have the right size bike/helmet. Planning ahead to buy things in sales.

Getting outgrown stuff out of the house.

Presents for kids’ parties. Cards for their friends.

Kids’ haircuts and appointments (depends on the household, in ours DH does the dentist and barber, I usually deal with GP and hospital).

Sourcing of costumes, etc, for school dress up days.

Meal planning and food shopping is a big one in our house. It’s less the cooking, more the thinking ahead/thinking about what everyone will eat/how it can be adapted for fussy DC1.

@SwanShaped

Washing cushion covers.

No one needs to do this, just turn them round

Being able to anticipate and plan. Eg, Christmas always occurs on 25th Dec