Let's list out the mental load/women's work

[indiesearcher]

I'm sitting down with DH later to go through ALL the mental load things I do, the invisible chores, the 'women's work' as some refer to it. We are going to try to split it more fairly.

So far I have:

Laundry
Meal planning/food order
Feeding animals
And kids
Bills
Renewals (insurances etc)
Birthdays
Children's appointments
Our appointments

What else is there?

Let's keep this going... I want to know it AALLL.

Ensuring DC eat healthily and don't have too much screentime.

Doling out prescription medicines.

My DH does a lot of the things listed here but agrees that I have 80% of the mental load.

Unfortunately we have DC with SN and loads of appointments and it's hard to keep up with everything so I do it all.

I wash cushion covers. Not often but sometimes. Kids are grimy.

Reading nursery emails and remembering when it's about to be wear red socks day or whatever. Making sure said socks are clean and remembering to put child in them on the correct day.

When key workers are leaving, remembering to buy them a present that's different from whatever you bought them for Christmas.

Planning ahead for kids' clothes - eg if it's spring coming, do they have t shirts, flip flops and shorts that fit them, not just winter stuff.
Remembering who gave the child which jumper/toy/whatever and remembering to have it in use when Auntie Marg comes over.

And so on and so on and so on...

""Washing cushion covers."

No one needs to do this, just turn them round"

I do. But eventually both sides need washing (although to be fair Ive only ever done a couple as DC aren't allowed to eat anywhere except at the table)

Making the rules for DC on amount of screen time, snacks, portion sizes, bedtimes etc.

Researching what could be wrong with DC/how to help them (mine both have SN)

Looking up symptoms/taking photos of rashes to see if they evolve the next day/s

Researching in general for the family:

• new books for DC to try
• cleaning methods
• how to simplify family life
• decluttering tips
• a lot of MN topics basically

It's always struck me that men would never go onto a website to ask for recommendations for a family calendar or a meal plan or how to simplify the laundry or deal with the school about an issue etc.

General maintenance Of kitchen appliances. Descalling the kettle/coffee machine. De crumbing the toaster. Salt/rinse aid in the dishwasher. Cleaning the bits of the washing machine that need it. De-fluffing the tumble dryer.
About 6 months ago I found dh trying to take out the condenser bit at the bottom of the dryer. He though the reason the machine was broken was because he didn’t know it needed cleaning and had been looking on YouTube how to fix it. I’d been doing it every couple of months since we had a dryer, about 14 years ago...

Attending assemblies, nativities and parent's evenings (or at least the arranging there of buying the tickets, writting on calender and reminding). At least in this house.

Cleaning fridge, washing machine, defrost freezer, clearing hoover
Organising repairs and services of domestic appliances
Logistics of school/nursery day and activities

Ordering/collecting lateral flow tests
Refilling pets water bowls
Refilling bird feeders
Remembering which bin goes out on which day

• Remembering pta events (school dance, buying tickets, arranging after school collection, special outfits)
• to add to school lunch planning, also making sure containers are clean and labeled, clearing/cleaning lunch pail
• labeling school clothes, buying labels, checking clothes
• changing baby nursery spare outfit and hat seasonally
• to add to weekly shop - it's the being solely responsible for stock of everything from running low on bin liners, nappies and chicken stock cubes and pasta to being responsible if everyone suddenly drinks all the milk, orange juice, eats the eggs or bread. It's unpleasant!
• completing all school forms, making all school payments, sending notices to school about being off school/late/appts
• booking holidays, packing all the essentials for all the kids,
• organising all travel entertainment such as a colouring book and crayons for long journeys, downloading appropriate ipad shows
• taking the appropriate bedtime books on holiday.
• two people walk through the living room but only mental load person will clock that mr bunny (aka dc1 important toy)/school shoe/school book is in the corner but is in the middle of doing another mental load task so cannot stop - it's draining

There's SOOOO much!

I'm class rep too so I don't mind being on top of the school stuff but 9/10 I'm so busy organising the class WhatsApp groups I forget to send my own flipping child in the right costume!

Keeping a mental note of where everything is in the house, where’s my drink bottle, shoes, slinky, homework, socks ..every waking moment.
Sorting laundry, clothes, charity drops
Constantly picking up after everyone, everyday,
Researching - holidays, household activities, household items, furniture, art, treatments. clothes
Replacing broken kit, mending holes,
Chasing up lost property at school;
Clean, dry, polish shoes,
Clean or organise the window cleaners, trades, gardeners, plant boxes
Gifts for dusites/ postie at christmas

Spring cleaning, including

Blinds
Skirting boards and picture rails
Under furniture
Cleaning sofas
Washing cushion covers

Arranging /scheduling in house maintenance like painting and returbs

Half of this stuff doesn’t actually have to be done. Managing photo albums?? And a lot of the buying/sourcing of things just comes under the umbrella of weekly shop.
We have a pretty good split in our house but we both have busy jobs and it just wouldn’t be possible to have 1 person take it all on. Also kids need to be responsible as it becomes age appropriate so my 8 year old feeds the cats, they put their own laundry away, tidy their own rooms, help cook, empty the dishwasher, and have the responsibility of managing their homework with support from us. I expect my 8 and 10 year old to remember when it’s PE day or if they need to take their instrument to school etc. Sometimes we/they forget it’s bake sale or whatever and nothing bad has happened as a result.

@indiesearcher

There's SOOOO much!

I'm class rep too so I don't mind being on top of the school stuff but 9/10 I'm so busy organising the class WhatsApp groups I forget to send my own flipping child in the right costume!

If you are class rep you could do everyone a favour and cut out at least half the shit that the school tries to get everyone to do?

And shall we add the next generation - elderly parents?

Noticing how they are
remembering what they like
deciding how and when to raise difficult conversations about their independence and needs
thinking about their care
making sure someone is doing their care
doing the care
answering phone calls, making appointments, checking medications etc etc - all the similar stuff above re children
all the stuff above re parents' home - buying cleaning products as needed, checking the house is insured, etc etc
dealing with possible scams
support - questions, phone calls, often repetitive

and so on and so on.

For me it's not just doing the food shop but walking around the house in the week and thinking "we're getting low on X and X I must get that this week." It frustrates me to no end that he doesn't think about that! We'd run out.

Also making sure we see both sides of the families and spend time with them.

Little things like just reorganising a messy cupboard when it gets too much.

Hoovering/ mopping WITHOUT being asked to.

I think this is not 'women's mental load' OP,

it is the mental load of a woman who has a partner who can't be bothered to do anything and who gets away with it because she is not speaking her mind about sharing chores equally and telling him to be more involved in his family's life...

Looking after the children when they're I'll.
Running children to their clubs
Remembering to buy the uniform for school and clubs
Remembering the subs for the clubs and the weeks when the clubs aren't on
Sorting issues that occur at school

Holiday planning - both DC holiday clubs and family vacations, from researching destinations to making sure the transfer vehicle has an appropriate child seat and everything in between.

organising social lives. When DC are small, you need to organise their play dates, remember to invite kids that have asked yours over, knowing whose parent is who, making small talk at school gates so your children would actually be invited anywhere. Also keeping in touch with family friends, organising dinners etc. While DH enjoys very much meeting up with all the friends we have, I do all the planning.

These are things that wouldn’t happen if just left to DH:
School bags packed
Anything that school had asked us to bring in eg boxes
Washing of eg coats, hats, gloves, bedding, towels. May all be done on one day so it’s all draped over the house on a cold day.
Christmas cards (we didn’t do this year)
Most things involving Other People.
Buying of homely things like candles, cushions.
There would be no photos up or pictures
Shelves would be empty
Kids wouldn’t have any clothes or extra things like wellies and sunglasses. If he bought them clothes then it’d probably be full price from John Lewis rather than borrowing from a friend, getting second hand stuff.
Clubs and activities being researched, paid for and coordinated.
Fridge cleaned out
Presents bought and wrapped (before things run out at Xmas)
We wouldn’t have stamps in the house or wrapping paper. He would probably buy a £3 gift bag every time.
Packing of holidays - only his stuff would get packed. He would pack the bare minimum so it wouldn’t be comfortable for anyone.
School holiday dates would be unknown.

He definitely pulls his weight but there are certain things he’s just not bothered about.

For me it's not just doing the food shop but walking around the house in the week and thinking "we're getting low on X and X I must get that this week." It frustrates me to no end that he doesn't think about that! We'd run out.

What would actually happen if you ran out? I'm not talking about someone's gluten-free bread or other genuine requirement, but just ordinary food.

There is a lot of worry about not having things just so. Once you let that go, the mental load reduces for everyone.

Should the aim be to get partners to raise their standards, or is it to reduce the pressure all round?

The problem for me was having to know where every thing in the house, mine or someone else's or communal, was, where it should be, how much of it was left how much of it we need/how long it lasts/when it'll be outgrown/ or if its clean/dirty/broken, how it'll be fixed/ replaced...
Then knowing how each family member is doing, what their hopes/dreams/frustrations/limitations are, constantly researching and modifying their schedules/environment to improve their quality if life by knowing all their tastes, abilities, etcetera then nobody caring to do the same for you.

Knowing when PE/swimming/ballet etc is on each week and planning the washing so that the appropriate kit is ready when needed. Not a clue!