Let's list out the mental load/women's work

[indiesearcher]

I'm sitting down with DH later to go through ALL the mental load things I do, the invisible chores, the 'women's work' as some refer to it. We are going to try to split it more fairly.

So far I have:

Laundry
Meal planning/food order
Feeding animals
And kids
Bills
Renewals (insurances etc)
Birthdays
Children's appointments
Our appointments

What else is there?

Let's keep this going... I want to know it AALLL.

When DD was 8 I was going in hospital for a major operation which had a high risk of death and did a if I die you need to know list for DH. He said it was grim but so much was only known by me.
Birthdays - making sure child has card, candles, cake, banners and sorting a party.

I think DH would claim that he does about half. And on surface yes it might seem to be the case - he cooks, he cleans, he organises kids' stuff etc etc.

But I'm still the CEO of the family who does all the strategic planning. He's a good employee who does his tasks. Whereas I would prefer if we were both project managers.

CEO and “strategic planning”? 🤣
But yes to project manager.

Buying masks
Making sure kids have masks for school.
Dealing with used masks

Toilet roll. Buy, store, change,dispose of old roll.
Compost; collect, take/put out, turn heap etc
Wipe inside and outside of fridge.
Rotate stock. Add stuff to shopping list.
Know kids favourite brands
Know which kid eats what
Know how each kid likes it cooked
Know which plate/ bowl/ cup is acceptable for which kid
Know how much is left of the only cereal they will eat (ditto all their food)
Keep a running record of how many and variety of fruit veg etc they have eaten in a day/ week to ensure balanced diet.

I would itemise all the steps involved in a task so you can see a that gets done.

@G5000 this is exactly what DH said to me when I first put this to him. He does his share but he believes someone has to own it/delegate.... and that is me.

Knowing storage space available for all the shopping of different types. It's no good overbuying and causing issues.

But surely this is not some active weekly task though is it? Bar a few exceptions your household consumes the same amount each week, the weekly shop is pretty similar volume each time. It's not like you unpack your shopping to find that the freezer draw has eloped with the ice box and you have no space all of a sudden.

I really get the impression some people here are stretching a bit with what constitutes 'mental load'. Half the stuff here are not essential chores/life/house management, it's just additional crap you have elected to do.

I kind of agree that a lot on here takes things to the extreme.... BUT, it certainly goes to show how much energy goes into general home running!

BUT, it certainly goes to show how much energy goes into general home running!

Running a household does require some thought and organisation, but sometimes I honestly believe I am doing it wrong when I read about 'strategic planning', 'Refilling bird feeders' and my personal fave 'Following local fb groups to keep up with local news that will affect us'.

Might have already been said but

Packed lunches

Someone up thread mentioned wishing others in the household would use their eyes and use their initiative.

I think that's exactly it and why so much mental load and domestic labour is unquantifiable.

Noticing when something needs mending, when something's getting low, when a child's clothes no longer fit, when their sock drawer is full of outgrown socks, that a cup on the living room floor will be much happier in the dishwasher, noticing that the bin is full, noticing when the washing machine is making a funny noise etc etc.

And doing something about it, rather than reporting it to me.

Mine:

Meal planning, laundry, changing and making beds, tidying house, cleaning out animals x 15, feeding animals, getting pet food, all pets vet stuff and deflea/deworm, grocery shopping, all birthday admins like present buying for all families, Christmas planning and prep, DD school uniform and lunchbox, dish washing, all financial duties, bathing DD, replenishing all items like toilet roll, hand soap, shampoo, DDs after school activities, going to tip if necessary, mowing grass, being the one to take DD birthday parties, bedtime with DD, any school stuff to do with DD, DD doctors and dentist, all clothing buying and sorting out old clothes, all insurance admin, washing cars inside and out, all my own car stuff like tyres and petrol.

You'd think I was single... dh deals with some car stuff like getting new tyres or booking mot.

Something that barely seems to have had a mention is remembering which types of plastic and other waste can go in the council recycling bin and what to do with the ones that they don't accept - researching the widening availability of soft plastic recycling at supermarkets, finding somewhere to store the 'to be recycled' pile in between visits and remembering to start taking crisp packets, bread bags etc to the supermarket is now a boring but worthy job on my to do list.

No the world won't stop if I don't do it, but it's something that should be done.

I have a 'I'm not going to answer any silly questions' few hours sometimes.

Want to know where such and such is, whether the cats have been fed, what's for dinner, what we're doing at the weekend, when we're going camping, whether we mended the tent, what the bloody fox said etc?

Look for it, look it up, ask someone else or remain in ignorance.

Just. Don't. Ask. Me.

So, just today I have:

Bathed DD after she had an accident in the night.

Put DD sheets on etc, changed bed.

Paid car tax

Chased up gym over incorrect charges

Done a charity shop run full of books.

Made/prepped dinner for after school.

Cleared out gunk from dishwasher filter.

DH has been at his desk all day.

We both have full time roles albeit mine is less stressy and more flexible.

It's just all THIS!

[quote indiesearcher]@G5000 this is exactly what DH said to me when I first put this to him. He does his share but he believes someone has to own it/delegate.... and that is me. [/quote]
Well exactly, there's the mental load for you. Life would be SO easy if I could sit on my arse think about nothing, until someone comes and tells me exactly what to do.

I think 'I don't want to think about it' sums it up the best. This is your area of responsibility. I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to dedicate any headspace, I don't want to feel responsible for reminding you to do it or nagging when it's not done as we agreed.

DH has been at his desk all day

Was he just goofing off all day playing games and talking about last night's football?

Or was he also dealing with the 'mental load' of being the sole breadwinner and dealing with the pressure of doing a job he probably does not like very much but has to perform at or risk getting fired, made redundant or not getting that bonus thus putting his family at risk??

I'm expected to know what the cats want to eat. They will be crying so I'll ask him to feed the cats if he's on the way to the kitchen and he'll say 'What do they want?' e.g. dry or wet food. Given that they are completely random and have no rhyme or reason for their desires at any given time, I don't know! And there are 4 of them so they might not all want the same. Why don't you try a few options with them and see what goes down well?

I do wonder what would happen if I suddenly died (morbid, I know). I know what DD prefers to eat, what brands of toiletries etc she prefers. I know the names of her friends and teachers. I know which companies all of our services are with. I suppose he'd crack on with it, but I do wonder. I don't think the fridge would ever be emptied or the cupboard doors wiped down and I doubt anyone besides DD would get a birthday card or present again.

@indiesearcher

So, just today I have:

Bathed DD after she had an accident in the night.

Put DD sheets on etc, changed bed.

Paid car tax

Chased up gym over incorrect charges

Done a charity shop run full of books.

Made/prepped dinner for after school.

Cleared out gunk from dishwasher filter.

DH has been at his desk all day.

We both have full time roles albeit mine is less stressy and more flexible.

It's just all THIS!

When you were doing this was he sat watching you or working

One thing that has definitely helped with the shopping mental load in our house is Alexa. DH and DD now ask alexa to add items to the shopping list as they run out e.g. their deodorants, shampoos etc so when I am in the shop I can check the app and pick up accordingly. If it ain't on Alexa, I don't know they need it so it doesn't get bought.

@DillonPanthersTexas

BUT, it certainly goes to show how much energy goes into general home running!

Running a household does require some thought and organisation, but sometimes I honestly believe I am doing it wrong when I read about 'strategic planning', 'Refilling bird feeders' and my personal fave 'Following local fb groups to keep up with local news that will affect us'.

You can add, “dealing with used masks” to that list.

Some women do have to deal with more - and an unfair amount more - than their male partner. But it really undermines the argument when you claim that sticking a mask in the bin is mental load.

booking appointments for parents' evening
attending parents' evening
liaising with school re dd current anxiety
liaising with school over ds lack of homework (!)
all pet care
knowing what size clothes/shoes dc are in, and buying new clothes/shoes as needed
booking teenage dc covid vaccines and taking them as required
ensuring dc do required lateral flow tests and log them as required
buying weekly bus tickets and sending to dc phones
helping dd with her UCAS application and portfolios etc
helping dd with student finance application
sending regular money as agreed to other dd at uni
renewing dc passports
helping dd set up a bank account
all food shopping
all shopping for toiletries/household items etc
writing ALL things on the family calendar
checking dh term dates (yep, hes a teacher) and adding to calendar so I know when hes off
ALL of Christmas
ALL birthdays
ALL holidays (planning/booking/packing etc)
organising activities for when dc off school
topping up spending money on online school acounts for lunch
returning ALL reply slips for trips etc
ensuring dc have appropriate clothing/equiptment for trips on the required days
paying online for all trips/revision books/other stuff
ensuring ds has essential supplies for school (he loses them all the time!)
ensuring pe kits all still fit and dont need adding to on a regular basis
knowing when dc exams are happening and being supportive
all things garden (although I like this so dont mind this one)
ALL washing and clothes sorting
ordering dd acne medication
planning visits to student dd and older dd

meant to add, I work full time in an extremely busy stresful professional job and earn about twice as much as dh

Can you please give us an hour by hour break down of the daily tasks your DH has to do for work?

Just to compare work load.

@DillonPanthersTexas - that is a good question. I expect he is working, I've seen/heard it over the last 18 months wfh.

That said, he has sat orgainsing photos for photo book this evening while I do all of bed/bath time tonight (but photos are listed as a mental load task further down thread so....)!

I don't think there's any winning - I'll let you all see my finalised list!

Dealing with used masks - I guess if you use fabric ones that need washing, making sure available etc then yes (laundry).

The other bit, that I detest is when something is done, expecting a lot of praise for doing something that needs to be done or thinking that’s it for the week.