Page 5 | Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

BoredZelda · 04/01/2022 12:45

It was all very benevolent but it seemed as if JJ wasn't being given any kind of space to notice things herself or even to speak.

Maybe the child was speech delayed. I’d have thought a library was a safe space people could go and not be judged.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 04/01/2022 12:46

@Woodlandwater

I was in a book shop with DC yesterday and another mum was loudly congratulating her 2 yo for counting the books so well. My 2yo was pretending to be a dog and licking the floor. But he's a second child so I've given up as my PFB was amazing to show off with loud declarations of "oh you know how to do long division at 3 and have read Tolstoy on your own, well done darling!!" but this one is feral.

I was in the coffee shop of a bookshop with my grandaughter, she would be about 6 and she asked me, as a I took a drink of hot coffee, Do all words with a q in them have a u after? I choked and then very very quietly, so no-one could accuse me of any heinous crime, told her that there were words without the qu but they usually came from other languages, and gave her a couple of examples, but at the moment she was unlikely to come across them. I thought I'd got away with it but the woman at the next table commented what an intelligent question she's asked and how well I'd handled it. Phew!

Jarbed · 04/01/2022 12:46

@penguinwithasuitcase

I'd be very interested to find out if there's a correlation between people who notice (and are bothered by) a lot of 'performance parenting' and those who spot the most 'virtue signalling'.

A particular sensitivity to "people who think they're better than me", perhaps?

Yeah what is this, like low self-esteem?

I don't think I've ever noticed "performance parenting".

Snoken · 04/01/2022 12:47

I have a family with two performance parents and a child living near me and just seeing them gives me the rage. Also, both parents dress like overgrown toddlers for some reason. Always in colourful wellies, regardless of the weather, huge bobble hats, knitted scarfs with cats on them etc. The dad also has this huge mustach with the twisted ends. Looks ridiculous. They are constantly out walking their toddler son, all three of them jumping in puddles, balancing on walls, sitting in the grass verge of a fairly busy road looking at insects. Everything they say sound like something off CBBC, that poor kid will speak like a toddler for the rest of his life.

autismandgin · 04/01/2022 12:47

I don’t think that’s performance parenting @takealettermsjones - that’s just good parenting. But that woman sounds awful!!

The difference is that you aren’t smug or sneering. Your communicating with your daughter to teach her, for her benefit.

Performance parenting is just that. Performing for other parents only. Ignoring the child and their actual needs.

#makingmemories 😂

autismandgin · 04/01/2022 12:48

Sorry for typos! I can’t feel my fingers today

Alconleigh · 04/01/2022 12:49

@penguinwithasuitcase

I'd be very interested to find out if there's a correlation between people who notice (and are bothered by) a lot of 'performance parenting' and those who spot the most 'virtue signalling'.

A particular sensitivity to "people who think they're better than me", perhaps?

Well......I don't have children, so have no skin in this particular game in terms of feeling my own parenting is being shown up in comparison etc etc, and I definitely know what performance parenting is and have seen it in action. As other PP have said, it's the little glances around to make sure that other people have clocked it that distinguish it from standard engaged parenting that all my friends do. There is a difference.

Cornettoninja · 04/01/2022 12:50

@Snoken you’ve just described what sounds like a lovely family but that gives you ‘rage’? What on earth has happened to you to make you feel like that about people being happy?

ldontWanna · 04/01/2022 12:50

@Snoken

I have a family with two performance parents and a child living near me and just seeing them gives me the rage. Also, both parents dress like overgrown toddlers for some reason. Always in colourful wellies, regardless of the weather, huge bobble hats, knitted scarfs with cats on them etc. The dad also has this huge mustach with the twisted ends. Looks ridiculous. They are constantly out walking their toddler son, all three of them jumping in puddles, balancing on walls, sitting in the grass verge of a fairly busy road looking at insects. Everything they say sound like something off CBBC, that poor kid will speak like a toddler for the rest of his life.

So... fun?

Fridafever · 04/01/2022 12:51

Just overheard a parent saying "I've brought you risotto to have before your ballet lesson

Is it ballet or risotto that’s the crime here?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 04/01/2022 12:51

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

Bore off OP. Just leave people alone. They have enough to worry about without worrying about someone making snide comments on the internet. Quite frankly, if this is the only concern, then I bet those kids are well looked after and cared for, which is all that matters really. STOP making judgey comments about peoples parenting. You sound like a tool.

NewYearNewMeFeckthatshit · 04/01/2022 12:53

I had a friend who used to do this with her PFB. She was ridiculously loud when out and about and always referring to him as being ‘sensitive’. It used to annoy me hugely as I cannot bear listening to loud voices, and maybe he was ‘sensitive’ because she was being overbearing?

She’s got 4 kids now including twins and she just gets on with stuff, much like the rest of us. Oldest one doesn’t get any special attention any more and he’s much more chilled these days.

Cornettoninja · 04/01/2022 12:53

@Alconleigh in fairness they can probably sense someone watching them so look around. You are watching them to be able to notice….

What you describe is very similar to what people describe when they seem to think they get a disproportionate amount of dirty/funny looks off people.

Fridafever · 04/01/2022 12:53

Bore off OP. Just leave people alone. They have enough to worry about without worrying about someone making snide comments on the internet. Quite frankly, if this is the only concern, then I bet those kids are well looked after and cared for, which is all that matters really. STOP making judgey comments about peoples parenting. You sound like a tool.

I think this sums it up nicely!

oakleaffy · 04/01/2022 12:53

@Franca123

Science museum, talking to your kids, books, walking, wholesome. Aren't these all good things?! We need better examples!

Museums of all kinds are good for children.. We used to pop in maybe for just half an hour, and so what if the DC are really looking forward to the gift shop on the way out? It definitely opens their eyes to appreciate things in adult life. What is really worrying is the lack of books in some children's homes {According to a friend who works in this field} Books, being read to , and being read with is so important.

I don't mind parents interacting with their kids at all, in public and don't see it as 'Virtue signalling', more as setting them up for a well rounded childhood.
Far better that than a memorable ''Charlene, come here or I'll hit you'' that we hears a few years back.

Iamtired123 · 04/01/2022 12:54

God forbid parents actually engage with their children in public!

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 12:54

Are we sure the little looks around aren't newish / inexperienced parents unsure that what they're doing with their child is correct and are looking around to gauge any reactions? I know after all the lockdowns and what not I took my toddler to Clarkes for shoes . He was pretty uncontrollable, there was lots of people and a long wait. I had little idea how to deal with this stressful situation. I remember feeling self conscious as I was pretty sure I wasn't doing a very good job.

MONSTERSALAD · 04/01/2022 12:55

Someone commented on my performance parenting in Waterstone's - my DD(2) had run over to a stand of wooden letters and was pointing at and naming each of them. I didn't prompt her to do it, but she was so chuffed to see the letters and I wasn't going to rain on her parade.

I felt quite smug, tbh, and did have a laugh to myself - DD only knows them because I'm a terrible parent who placates her with youtube so that I can get some work or chores done!

TarpaulinEyes · 04/01/2022 12:56

When I read these threads I always think of a few years ago and a woman who got on a local bus with a small boy, presumably her son. The bus was nearly empty so plenty of seats available. Mum sat down and decreed small boy should stay standing up. The bus resounded to her shrieking at him, 'nice strong legs, holding onto the pole nicely' repeatedly. Poor child kept looking at the seats longingly but nope not allowed to sit down. He looked knackered poor little chap. I hadn't heard of performance parenting then, assume that's what it was and just thought the woman was a loon. Nice strong legs has now entered the repertoire of family catchphrases.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 04/01/2022 12:56

@ScrambledSmegs

** obviously this was a good 10+ years ago, quinoa is so passé

Anything's passé once Morrison's sell it, that was my late OH's opinion! How do you do accents, I did a lick and stick from the original post!

Hollyhead · 04/01/2022 12:56

Is the volume of speaker appropriate?
Is the parent focused on their child and not looking around for approval?
Is the conversation age appropriate?
Is the the child looks engaged.
If the answer to 2 or more of these questions is no it’s performance parenting, if not it’s just parenting and trying to engage your child nicely.

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 12:57

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

Bore off OP. Just leave people alone. They have enough to worry about without worrying about someone making snide comments on the internet. Quite frankly, if this is the only concern, then I bet those kids are well looked after and cared for, which is all that matters really. STOP making judgey comments about peoples parenting. You sound like a tool.

That's a more succinct response than my response. Well done!!!!

JennieLee · 04/01/2022 12:57

I think the thing about being in a library is the loudness of performance parenting. It's not that libraries are meant to be hushed at all times, but it's often done with no consideration of people working on PCs, trying to select books, do homework etc.

I particularly recall the father of overtired Jasper - a toddler who did not want to go into his pushchair. Father of J spent about half an hour reasoning with Jasper loudly, while blocking the door, rather than simply lifting the child into his buggy.

I suspect that in some cases at least it is time-poor professional parents who actually see their kids relatively little, and who are trying to cram all their parenting into short bits of 'quality time'.

Antsgomarching · 04/01/2022 12:58

My DH does this with toddler, he hams it up to keep her cheerful to prevent a public meltdown basically.

Jarbed · 04/01/2022 12:58

@Franca123

Are we sure the little looks around aren't newish / inexperienced parents unsure that what they're doing with their child is correct and are looking around to gauge any reactions? I know after all the lockdowns and what not I took my toddler to Clarkes for shoes . He was pretty uncontrollable, there was lots of people and a long wait. I had little idea how to deal with this stressful situation. I remember feeling self conscious as I was pretty sure I wasn't doing a very good job.

Yeah or people feeling a bit embarrassed at the silly/funny thing they're doing with their kid in the presence of judgmental people looking at them and "getting the rage" because of their moustache or bobble hats or the fact their kid likes risotto.

Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

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