Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

[ChilledFizz]

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

@Iamnotthe1

I hate that what was once just considered the parenting norm has now been labelled as performance parenting by those who don't want to do it.

You should be actively talking to your children about the world around them and getting them engaged with it. It has a huge impact, particularly in those early years and, as a teacher, there is a noticeable difference between children who have had that and children who haven't.

This! Totally agree.

I was with one at a small softplay-there were just to the 2 of us - he was so loud !
Lets go Ellie, can you count all the coconuts ? Come on Ellie !Right Ellie, Daddy wants to eat his croissant?? Do you want some, then say CROI SSANT please !

I think so long as you are concentrating on engaging in a meaningful two way conversation and interacting as you normally do with your child that's fine wherever you are ...it's not anyone else's business...and that will probably appear genuine anyway...

-It's when people try and rope others into their performance and its a bit cringy, fake and annoying - they forget that others passing by are in their own worlds / thinking their own things and really aren't paying attention nor interested.

...so someone speaking loudly, looking over at you trying to grab your eye, acting dramatic/fake, laughing smiling as if "Did you just hear that?"...is quite invasive - it's annoying when people do that with or without kids!

@Beaconoflight

I was with one at a small softplay-there were just to the 2 of us - he was so loud ! Lets go Ellie, can you count all the coconuts ? Come on Ellie !Right Ellie, Daddy wants to eat his croissant?? Do you want some, then say CROI SSANT please !

That all sounds like totally normal things to say to and do with a 2-year-old.

@Snoken

I have a family with two performance parents and a child living near me and just seeing them gives me the rage. Also, both parents dress like overgrown toddlers for some reason. Always in colourful wellies, regardless of the weather, huge bobble hats, knitted scarfs with cats on them etc. The dad also has this huge mustach with the twisted ends. Looks ridiculous. They are constantly out walking their toddler son, all three of them jumping in puddles, balancing on walls, sitting in the grass verge of a fairly busy road looking at insects. Everything they say sound like something off CBBC, that poor kid will speak like a toddler for the rest of his life.

I'm in my 60s and often sit on my own in grass verges looking at insects and other natural history wonders. I don't need a child to perform to. Soz, please don't judge me for it too harshly.

I have a family with two performance parents and a child living near me and just seeing them gives me the rage. Also, both parents dress like overgrown toddlers for some reason. Always in colourful wellies, regardless of the weather, huge bobble hats, knitted scarfs with cats on them etc. The dad also has this huge mustach with the twisted ends. Looks ridiculous. They are constantly out walking their toddler son, all three of them jumping in puddles, balancing on walls, sitting in the grass verge of a fairly busy road looking at insects. Everything they say sound like something off CBBC, that poor kid will speak like a toddler for the rest of his life.

Judgey as fuck. Just go about your day and leave people alone.

@Cornettoninja I know what you mean about people seeing what they expect to see, but I don't think that's the case here. In the main example I can think of, the parent was standing right in front of me at an attraction, so I wasn't particularly looking at them, beyond the fact that I had to, if that makes sense. And because I was right behind them, could see them look left and right to gauge reaction. It wasn't for my benefit specifically.

I don't actually greatly care; I'll take it all day long over grim "come on you little shit" parenting, I just joined in to agree that people aren't making it up, and it's not the same as engaging with your child.

@Snoken

I have a family with two performance parents and a child living near me and just seeing them gives me the rage. Also, both parents dress like overgrown toddlers for some reason. Always in colourful wellies, regardless of the weather, huge bobble hats, knitted scarfs with cats on them etc. The dad also has this huge mustach with the twisted ends. Looks ridiculous. They are constantly out walking their toddler son, all three of them jumping in puddles, balancing on walls, sitting in the grass verge of a fairly busy road looking at insects. Everything they say sound like something off CBBC, that poor kid will speak like a toddler for the rest of his life.

Urghhh, such poor parenting. The only exercise mine gets is on the way to the corner store to stock up on sweets. Sometimes we go through the park so my DC can find insects to squash. I don't interfere as I don't believe in all that 'kind hands' malarkey - makes me want to vomit!

I was in the Science Museum yesterday...It was full of them...all talking to their kids at full volume for the benefit of everyone else around them.

How can you tell the difference between enthuastic parent telling science obsessed child about exciting things in an excited way and a performance for other people around them?

Are you sure they're showing off? Maybe they're just talking about books and walking?

Yeah how do you tell the difference between someone who has REALLY enjoyed something and therefore wants to share in a very innocent way so that others might enjoy or perfomance parenting. Are children and adults suddenly not allowed to enjoy walks and books without being worried that this will somehow offend others who think they are just being excited?

Ah the performance parents will have their phones out, so they can take photos to post and let everyone know they do all this wholesome stuff.

How do you know it will be posted all over social media? I take photos all the time. I don't share it and I certainly don't put it on social media. I stick them in an old fashioned printed photo book for the year. For myself.

You know this whole thread sounds like its full of a bunch of miserable, jealous toss pots who want to the joy out of life for everyone else because they don't like seeing people excited or enthuastic about something.

If they label it as 'perfomance parenting' they hope they can beat others with a stick. Its like the school bullies who take a pop at the 'swats' in the class for daring to do things that aren't cool and showing they are good at it / enjoy it. Because how very dare anyone get ideas above their station or be happy.

They could fuck off then and they can fuck off now.

As other PP have said, it's the little glances around to make sure that other people have clocked it that distinguish it from standard engaged parenting that all my friends do. There is a difference.

Yes, the difference is you are looking for it and judging. Have you never, in any situation, caught the eye of people around you? But because sometimes someone does it when you have already judged them as being performative, that confirms your cognitive bias.

@Snoken what a horrible post….. it’s called having a personality!

They sound lovely tbh and genuine too

[quote Cornettoninja]@Snoken you’ve just described what sounds like a lovely family but that gives you ‘rage’? What on earth has happened to you to make you feel like that about people being happy?[/quote]
I don't know. Nothing really. I guess I just have a problem with them seemingly constantly putting on a show for their DS. The parents are (practically) toddlers, the child is a toddler (as he should be), their activities are for toddlers, their language is for toddlers. It feels like it will stunt development. I mean the boy is about 3 years old now, and they still refer to themselves as mummy and daddy and they don't speak in full sentences to him. Just this morning the mum, as I was walking by, said: Look, mummy walk this way. Hugo walk this way too.

The worst person for doing this at the school gates when my kids were little is now a Conservative minister. Make of that what you will

@TarpaulinEyes

When I read these threads I always think of a few years ago and a woman who got on a local bus with a small boy, presumably her son. The bus was nearly empty so plenty of seats available. Mum sat down and decreed small boy should stay standing up. The bus resounded to her shrieking at him, 'nice strong legs, holding onto the pole nicely' repeatedly. Poor child kept looking at the seats longingly but nope not allowed to sit down. He looked knackered poor little chap. I hadn't heard of performance parenting then, assume that's what it was and just thought the woman was a loon. Nice strong legs has now entered the repertoire of family catchphrases.

That sounds very controlling. The woman should have stood as well, what a bully.

Its like the school bullies who take a pop at the 'swats' in the class for daring to do things that aren't cool and showing they are good at it / enjoy it. Because how very dare anyone get ideas above their station or be happy.

They could fuck off then and they can fuck off now.

Very well put.

I live in an area that should be rich pickings for this kind of thing, but actually I see it remarkably rarely. And I think I noticed it more when DC were very little and I was overwhelmed and felt like others were judging me - so I was perhaps watching other people too much myself.

I do have one shining example though, which still makes me grin many years later:

My DC was eating a biscuit waiting for a story time in a bookshop.
Other child snatched biscuit from my DC and took a bite.
Other DC's parent "No! Don't do that - the biscuit probably isn't organic! Put it on the floor. Now, can you say biscuit in Mandarin?"

(No, no apology or attempt to return/dispose of the toxic non-organic biscuit )

I’ve enjoyed this thread!

The posters who have pointed out that this type of parenting means the child is cared for and loved at home is exactly right. Because that’s all that matters….

Thanks for the insight everyone

I've encountered performance parenting rarely but always on trains by DGP and Dad's and it's been memoriable because even my kids or IL on one occasional eye rolled - so very OTT - and in every case child/children ended up upset/tantrum and it was clear they were overwelmed by questions and interactions well before that point and entire situation could have been headed off. It's usually easy to see parents who are trying to distract and avoid upsets with questions - it's more together rather than at the child.

But I've also been accused of it for normal every day conversations with my kids and one did have hearing issues for a while.

I had others eye roll at some parents in musuem antics but I said hard to know if they aren't just trying to desperately engage the kids and not to have them run around every thing in five minutes and insist they're done and what's next.

I do wonder what other parents think of me . "Bobby give space", "Play nicely Bobby"' " Bobby that's dangerous" "Don't run off please", "Bobby no hitting". Our language is very restricted and now Bobby (not real name) comes up to me and says "Play nicely" when I threw a pair of socks at DH the other day when he asked for one as I had the laundry basket passing by.

When I hear a parent and child interacting it makes me smile, when I see a parent on their phone that also makes me smile and I understand, when I hear a parent narrating every action to their toddler that also makes me smile because I did that last year when ds wasn't saying any words and HV advised to do it to help develop his language. im naturally not a loud person though. The pretentious ones where a class status is inserted which isn't necessary I just giggle. "Clara sweety, you have to put your gloves on the weather is no different to St Moritz. Do you remember how we dressed there last time at the chalet?" (I've heard this beginning of last month when it was freezing cold)

Bloody hell I witter on to mine constantly. I was told by the health visitor to talk to them constantly because it was good for language development so I took that as an invitation to make them my external monologue - what are we having for tea, what do you think of these paint samples, guess who just drove past I tell you where I know them from, xyz it's a habit that's been hard to break and I bet people think I'm a nutter.

I swear they both learnt to talk just to tell me to shush. Saying that though we never stop talking, about all kinds of shit, repetition games are our favourite at the moment, I packed my bag to Paris particularly and I often wonder if people think I'm doing it for show. A grown woman wandering around the supermarket with two primary school children who are sick of her shit.

Saying that though we've had some corking 'performers', my sister particularly. She used to make her children stand from being about ten months old to show 'they could'. 'He's an early walker' was a particular favourite as my poor nephew was wobbling away gripping onto her hand for dear life.

Mum sat down and decreed small boy should stay standing up. The bus resounded to her shrieking at him, 'nice strong legs, holding onto the pole nicely' repeatedly.

Our daughter’s physio suggested this to us to help with her core strength and balance. We don’t take buses but when we go on the tram we do it if it’s not too busy.

@Beaconoflight

I was with one at a small softplay-there were just to the 2 of us - he was so loud ! Lets go Ellie, can you count all the coconuts ? Come on Ellie !Right Ellie, Daddy wants to eat his croissant?? Do you want some, then say CROI SSANT please !

This sounds totally normal?! Is the problem the croissant? Would it be OK if it was a tea cake? I'm so lost!

I see a lot more disapproving looks, shaking heads and tutting at parents than I ever see parents glancing around for approval. If parents weren’t judged so much all the time fewer would feel the need to offset that judgement with a performance.

Fair enough @Alconleigh, I don’t deny pp exists but I’m getting the feeling on this thread a lot of people are trying to categorise kinds of people they just don’t like that way so they have free reign to be covert knobs.

@Snoken for your own sanity I think you need to work on moving past it. You sound over invested in a family that have nothing to do with you and really aren’t doing anything wrong.

@Snoken

I have a family with two performance parents and a child living near me and just seeing them gives me the rage. Also, both parents dress like overgrown toddlers for some reason. Always in colourful wellies, regardless of the weather, huge bobble hats, knitted scarfs with cats on them etc. The dad also has this huge mustach with the twisted ends. Looks ridiculous. They are constantly out walking their toddler son, all three of them jumping in puddles, balancing on walls, sitting in the grass verge of a fairly busy road looking at insects. Everything they say sound like something off CBBC, that poor kid will speak like a toddler for the rest of his life.

So they grow up and decided to be fun and silly and still child like because it makes them happy. What the hell is wrong with that. I doubt they dress like that for you benefit.

I think this post perfectly illustrates my point.

You grew up and decided to still have a pop at others not being in the cool gang, dressing the right way and knowing their place and just generally blending in with everyone else.

That 'poor kid' having fun at an appropriate level for his age.

How on earth do you make the leap from parents treating a two year old like a two year old to this somehow being something that will stunt them for life and that the parents will never stop doing???

It 100% says far more about the person making this judgment than anything about the kid or the parents.

As I say fun police sucking the joy out of life.

It makes me want to run around being daft purely to piss off dullsville.