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Original poster

Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

437 replies

ChilledFizz · 03/01/2022 17:09

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

OP posts:
Annaghgloor · 04/01/2022 12:08

@BlusteryLake

One person's "performance parenting" is another's "parenting". There are loads of annoyances when out in public. Just ignore any you wish to.
This. I have literally never seen anyone collecting applause by glancing around, which seems on Mn to be viewed as the ‘gotcha!’ moment of performance parenting.
Laquila · 04/01/2022 12:12

This is an interesting thread. It's all relative, isn't it?! It's funny how there's often a bit of a race to the bottom on these kind of threads too, as people.compete to be the least-bothered/most-casual parent ever - I wonder if that's a bit of a pre-emptive thing, to avoid (the perception of) being judged by more helicopter parents?

In reality we all interact differently with our kids and we all have different family dynamics. It's also worth remembering that genuinely, not all parents realise the value of talking to their kids about the world, explaining important concepts to them or including them in more adult conversations where appropriate - that's very much not a given, and some.people.grow up starved of this.

StellaGibson118 · 04/01/2022 12:13

When my children were smaller and I had really bad depression I used to post stuff about them and photos all the time. Not braggy, just activities we did. I stopped doing that the last few years because I realised they aren't old enough to consent to me putting their life on the internet. However, before that I felt like if I posted what they were up to it made me accountable to do stuff with them and not lie in bed all day. It also felt like I had something to prove as a SAHM I guess.

One of my friends posts endless pictures of her kids doing various fun things every day. That's because she gets all her happiness from them and making their life fun. Some people might look at it as showing off, but I know her well and I know how much joy she gets from them. She's had a super shit time too and they are her light in the dark.

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Franca123 · 04/01/2022 12:15

Most of these examples are ridiculous. I think I've never noticed 'performance parenting' as it just seems like totally standard behaviour. What's wrong with trying to get a child to take an interest in different types of fish or to eat a risotto? A lot of this sounds like inverse snobbery.

3mealsaday · 04/01/2022 12:19

Do parents do this sort of thing? I've never noticed. I just snarl "shut up!" at my 4 year old whenever he asks me things and go back to messaging on my phone. He wanted me to play with him at soft play the other day and I had to tell him to "go away!" and shove him in the ball pit. I didn't pay £4.50 for entry so I'd actually have to play with my child. In the end, he found some toddlers to squash and a great afternoon was had by all.

Who gives a flying duck about the order of the planets anyway, when we still can't agree the fairly basic point of how many there are?

ScrambledSmegs · 04/01/2022 12:20

It seems to depend on where you live. I used to live in N London in an area associated with crunchy parenting. There were a hell of a lot of rich-but-hippyish parents of young children who had exceptionally loud, carrying voices - the aisles of Waitrose used to ring with such gems as 'shall we have some quinoa salad for lunch, Snowdrop? Can you say KEEN-WAH?' **

I don't live there any more and loud/performance parenting doesn't seem to be a big thing in my new hometown.

MeatyRvita · 04/01/2022 12:21

I’ve noticed it a lot but it doesn’t bother me half as much as the parents who half heartedly try and parent their children when they’re being incredibly naughty in public (especially the park for some reason!) by saying things like ‘gosh no Hugo I’ve told you, you have to let other children have a go on the slide’ with zero authority, actual parenting skills or discipline/following through (eg actually removing your child from the park and taking them home after you’ve warned them)
Inevitably the child just rolls their eyes, ignores them and the parent just watches on whilst little Hugo carries on being a little shit and pushing children over, throwing sand in the sand pit etc!

ScrambledSmegs · 04/01/2022 12:21

** obviously this was a good 10+ years ago, quinoa is so passé WinkGrin

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 12:24

I used to live in North London and the waitrose after school was horrible. Full of children running absolutely wild. Felt so sorry for the staff having to put all the products back in the right place afterwards. Never seen kids allowed to behave like that anywhere else. I'd rather some 'performance parenting' than that.

ISaidDontLickTheBin · 04/01/2022 12:25

@MeatyRvita

I’ve noticed it a lot but it doesn’t bother me half as much as the parents who half heartedly try and parent their children when they’re being incredibly naughty in public (especially the park for some reason!) by saying things like ‘gosh no Hugo I’ve told you, you have to let other children have a go on the slide’ with zero authority, actual parenting skills or discipline/following through (eg actually removing your child from the park and taking them home after you’ve warned them) Inevitably the child just rolls their eyes, ignores them and the parent just watches on whilst little Hugo carries on being a little shit and pushing children over, throwing sand in the sand pit etc!
Grin my favourite of these is "gentle hands, Arabella!" when little Arabella has just flattened another child...
takealettermsjones · 04/01/2022 12:25

I've been judged for this before.

My kid loves doing all the animal noises. We were on a bus and she kept wanting to get off the seat, so I started asking her animal noises to distract her. There was one that she had persistently got wrong, but this time she got it right. I gave her loads of praise because I was genuinely happy that she had got it, and she was happy and laughing too, so all good I thought. We were speaking at normal volume and I hadn't given a second's thought to whether anyone could hear tbh.

A woman a couple of seats behind us snorted and said "it's an animal noise, she's hardly Oxford material".

Felt great. 👍

ShinyHappyPoster · 04/01/2022 12:29

@Iamnotthe1

I hate that what was once just considered the parenting norm has now been labelled as performance parenting by those who don't want to do it.

You should be actively talking to your children about the world around them and getting them engaged with it. It has a huge impact, particularly in those early years and, as a teacher, there is a noticeable difference between children who have had that and children who haven't.

Yy this! I always find it sad when posters bitch about parents actually engaging with their own DC. Those parents will interact with their DC in the exact same way whether grinches are watching or not. They're not 'performing' they are 'parenting'. And it's blooming odd that unconnected adults consider themselves the intended audience.
JennieLee · 04/01/2022 12:34

I used to work in libraries.

One mother used to make a particular impression. She was quite loud and her daughter was called something like Jennifer Jane. JJ received a kind of non-stop directed narrative about what to look at and do and notice. It was all very benevolent but it seemed as if JJ wasn't being given any kind of space to notice things herself or even to speak. I think children do need a bit of quite time just to amuse themselves and develop their own ideas - rather than being constantly supervised and directed and educated.

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 12:36

Ottilie's mother sounds like a mum trying to get through a supermarket run without the child having a meltdown. With my oldest, you have three options. Let him run wild, shout at him then drag him home screaming or actively engage and distract. I choose actively engage and distract so that we all get home happy and calm. Sometimes it goes wrong and a tell him off and he goes home in tears but i do my best to avoid that. I actually couldn't care less if people think I'm doing it for their benefit not my family's benefit.

ParkheadParadise · 04/01/2022 12:37

I don't know what performance parenting is 🤷‍♀️

When we were young my mum did silent performance parenting.
It we played up she would give us a look that said Shut it or her favourite hand squeeze that said when we get out of here I'll smack your backside.
She did have 6 of us to keep in check.

penguinwithasuitcase · 04/01/2022 12:38

I'd be very interested to find out if there's a correlation between people who notice (and are bothered by) a lot of 'performance parenting' and those who spot the most 'virtue signalling'.

A particular sensitivity to "people who think they're better than me", perhaps?

Cornettoninja · 04/01/2022 12:39

I think a lot of examples given on this thread aren’t anywhere near performance parenting, it’s just talking to your kids. I actually think there are far more examples of reverse snobbery than performance parenting.

Footprintsinthegrass · 04/01/2022 12:40

@Iamnotthe1

I hate that what was once just considered the parenting norm has now been labelled as performance parenting by those who don't want to do it.

You should be actively talking to your children about the world around them and getting them engaged with it. It has a huge impact, particularly in those early years and, as a teacher, there is a noticeable difference between children who have had that and children who haven't.

100%
SeasonFinale · 04/01/2022 12:41

Risotto and ballet lessons as an example of PP. Where do you live that this evening warrants a hint of boasting?

SeasonFinale · 04/01/2022 12:42

*even

Cornettoninja · 04/01/2022 12:42

@takealettermsjones

I've been judged for this before.

My kid loves doing all the animal noises. We were on a bus and she kept wanting to get off the seat, so I started asking her animal noises to distract her. There was one that she had persistently got wrong, but this time she got it right. I gave her loads of praise because I was genuinely happy that she had got it, and she was happy and laughing too, so all good I thought. We were speaking at normal volume and I hadn't given a second's thought to whether anyone could hear tbh.

A woman a couple of seats behind us snorted and said "it's an animal noise, she's hardly Oxford material".

Felt great. 👍

That woman sounds like an absolute wanker, and a hypocrite considering her comment was almost certainly intended for you to overhear.
BoredZelda · 04/01/2022 12:42

OK. I'll keep an eye out for it. Can't say I've noticed it. But then I am often on my phone

Yeah, the thing is parents can’t win. If you don’t interact with them you are neglecting and lazy, if you interact too much you are a performance parent. Be loud enough when you are heard telling them to behave themselves, but not when you are talking about the llamas. Don’t let them play by themselves in the swing park as that is lazy and dangerous and they might interact with other children, but don’t be the helicopter parents that don’t let your kid play by themselves.

I spoke all the time with my daughter. She was unable to come out of her pram and so we talked about the world around her. Or we sang or played games. Her speech and vocab was advanced and I’m sure people thought me a performance parent as we talked about stuff. Thankfully I couldn’t give a shit what other people thought and I kept my daughter entertained. Not giving a shit also helped me ignore all the wankers who would loudly exclaim that my daughter should be out and running about and not stuck in her pram.

AngelinaFibres · 04/01/2022 12:42

@MsTSwift

It’s funny though. We had an epic performance granny once at a museum craft / calligraphy session. Even my then late primary aged kids were eye rolling - all at TOP VOLUME with lots of attempted eye contact with other parents

“What lovely flowers darling! Though not quite as nice as the ones in granny’s garden! Do you know their name in French”

“Come on darling I am sure they teach you to hold your pen better than that at St Cuthberts !(local swanky school)”.

They were doing calligraphy DD2 cruelly announced unprompted that she was going to do her calligraphy in Mandarin. Thought performance granny was going to cry.

So she was perfomance patenting and you are popping on for a little humble brag. Mumsnet bingo anyone.SmileSmileSmile
doadeer · 04/01/2022 12:43

I try not to be loud but I do talk and sing to my son when we are out because he's autistic non verbal and I'm trying to engage him. I hope people don't think this about me 🥴

Cornettoninja · 04/01/2022 12:45

I think you might be on to something @penguinwithasuitcase.