Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

[ChilledFizz]

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

@georgarina

Just overheard a parent saying "I've brought you risotto to have before your ballet lesson 😂

Was it particularly loud? Looking for attention?

I remember reading a very sad thread on here by a mum who was taking her child to a therapy appointment on the train. The only way to keep the child calm and in a receptive state for the therapy was to distract and reassure. I think the child had some hearing loss. The mum was bullied and ridiculed by 2 other women on the train, meaning both child and mum were distressed and the therapy session ruined.

I think it’s annoying because it’s not about the child. It’s ALL about the parent. That’s why it irks.

2I'm beyond the age of having young children but I see a lot of proformance grandparenting on social media, one old friend is an absolute expert, every first step is early, every utterance is a sign of genius, every stroll in local woods is documented and photographed, must have broken her heart when her latest grandchilds parents banned her from putting pictures on sm.

The OP didn't even include any examples!

A lot of what gets called 'performance parenting' is just being quite cheerful IMO. I'm naturally fairly quiet so I don't think I would get called a performance parent because you wouldn't hear me, but I say similar things to the people who would get labelled that way.

@MsTSwift

It’s funny though. We had an epic performance granny once at a museum craft / calligraphy session. Even my then late primary aged kids were eye rolling - all at TOP VOLUME with lots of attempted eye contact with other parents

“What lovely flowers darling! Though not quite as nice as the ones in granny’s garden! Do you know their name in French”

“Come on darling I am sure they teach you to hold your pen better than that at St Cuthberts !(local swanky school)”.

They were doing calligraphy DD2 cruelly announced unprompted that she was going to do her calligraphy in Mandarin. Thought performance granny was going to cry.

😂😂 at your dd!

@ChilledFizz

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

My child used to do a certain sport competitively, he was pretty darn good for his age, and we tried to support him as much as we could while he was enjoying it - some of the parents I met there I have no desire to ever meet again, they were living their lives through their kids, and were super competitive and nasty toward any other child/parent that they thought might threaten their child's glory. I was so glad when he decided he'd had enough, I expect (actually I know) that some of the parents are still pushing their mini Olympians today. Don't get me wrong, it's great to work hard, to want to succeed, to cheer your child on, but don't be a complete and utter nasty so and so to everyone you meet along the way. I think it's partly driven by insecurity in some folk, they just have to be the best to feel valued, and that's clearly not a healthy place to be in.

@endofthelinefinally

I remember reading a very sad thread on here by a mum who was taking her child to a therapy appointment on the train. The only way to keep the child calm and in a receptive state for the therapy was to distract and reassure. I think the child had some hearing loss. The mum was bullied and ridiculed by 2 other women on the train, meaning both child and mum were distressed and the therapy session ruined.

Yes, I used to speak loudly and clearly to my DC without realising I was doing it…she turned out to have some hearing issues. And I don’t see a problem with the salmon and bream example above. Why just say “pink fish” to the child if your family eats a lot of fish and there are different types that taste different?

Many people listening seem to think the person talking gives a shit about who is listening, but actually I think they are mostly just naturally loud people and they don't care at all.

The listener is doing a lot of projecting.

@Coronawireless because it was so obviously done for the benefit of everyone else in earshot, not the child. That’s the point.

@rrhuth

The OP didn't even include any examples!

A lot of what gets called 'performance parenting' is just being quite cheerful IMO. I'm naturally fairly quiet so I don't think I would get called a performance parent because you wouldn't hear me, but I say similar things to the people who would get labelled that way.

It's not necessarily what people say, it's the dramatics that go with it, and the looking around for approval from the other adults who don't care that your 3yo knows the order of the planets from furthest away to closest to the sun because they're trying to convince their 3yo that the moon is not, in fact, made from cheese

I'm always a bit sceptical of these MN claims of performance parenting. I remember reading a thread on this subject a while ago and quite a few people gave examples that were literally just a parent telling their child what type of tree/flower they could see, or asking their child what colour something was, or how many of something they could see. You know - perfectly normal conversations that most people have with children.

But I do appreciate that some of it is about the parent and not the child. Especially when things get competitive.

@girlmom21 I don't think many of those parents exist though, other than in people's imaginations.

I go to lots of wanky venues with my kids and have not noticed it.

Yeah, I have these kind of conversations with the children I nanny for, every day is a school day after all, but not at full volume while fishing about for eye contact to show off to anyone in the general vicinity. I talk to my baby about all kinds of rubbish, he had no idea what I’m on about because he’s a baby, but he likes my voice. But again, that’s only for mine and his benefit, and at three months old he couldn’t care a fig if I saw a green woodpecker. But again, I don’t do it to perform for other people.

Some posters are wilfully misunderstanding.

It's not necessarily what people say, it's the dramatics that go with it, and the looking around for approval from the other adults who don't care that your 3yo knows the order of the planets from furthest away to closest to the sun because they're trying to convince their 3yo that the moon is not, in fact, made from cheese

There's a look that goes with the glance tooC if they get the eye contact sort of a shoulder shrugging half smile, honestly you'd know it if you saw it. The lady on the train how awful for her. I imagine in that instance she was focussed entirely on her child not looking around to see who approved

"Not a bad new years eve climbed x peak with small child who tried soo hard" followed by loads of pictures of a knackered child and heart emogies the reality was the child couldn't make it had to be carried posed for pictures and lectured all the way down about how they weren't trying hard enough (at five) did they want to be fat and unfit at forty like x or y? DID THEY REALLY? (Apparently the child said yes 🤣)

Reality vrs Facebook

I inwardly roll my eyes and drag my feral bunch around with me giving them 'the look' constantly

The lady in the posh garden centre was laughing her head off at me as I walked in with them saying 'no touching, no running and NO FIGHTING'

I do sympathise with parents who do this even though it is intensely irritating. My neighbour is this, and a man. It is pretty constant.

I think it is derived from a good place, albeit one where they are very insecure about their own parenting skills and rarely get feedback on how they are doing. It is definitely about them and their status as a parent, not the children, which makes it even sadder.

I guess in the old days, people were much more connected to a real community and knew that what they were doing was ok / not ok - or at least knew their place. It's just a sign of our dispersed society for me - people operating in little silo's desperate for some connection to something wider than them. Ergo social media moms.

Honestly - I think twas ever thus.

I remember when my 4 year old just froze on a playground tower thing and couldn't get down. He was really upset and howling and his Dad had to climb up and get him. Immediately another Dad put his younger child up there who just got down no probs. I wouldn't have thought anything of this, except that the Dad kept looking right at my face and smirking. I notice he didn't do this to my then DH though - just to me.

This was in the 80s - performance of a different type but basically just showing off.

@BeMoreGoldfish

I’ve no idea why there’s an accent on compete! 😂

I thought it was a speck on my screen and got a duster.

[quote rrhuth]@girlmom21 I don't think many of those parents exist though, other than in people's imaginations.

I go to lots of wanky venues with my kids and have not noticed it.[/quote]
I've seen it a couple of times but not a lot. I do wonder if some of the people who say it happens all the time are just upset because their own performance parenting isn't being acknowledged, because the people they're performing to are concentrating on their own kids

@georgarina

Just overheard a parent saying "I've brought you risotto to have before your ballet lesson 😂

You'll hate me then. What's wrong with a risotto? For some of us that is normal food. I (overweight white middle aged woman) partially grew up in the middle east and practically live on tabbouleh and flatbreads with tahini, ful, hummus or muhammara. And give them to my toddler. That's just my childhood food.

Interacting with your child is great but not when it’s impacting other people around you in a negative way. For example, I was at the park pushing my toddler on the swings recently and there was another toddler being pushed by his mum on the swings next to us and the mum was talking really loudly pointing out everything around them etc. She was so loud and constantly jabbering away I couldn’t even talk to my kid without having to shout at him over the other mum. It was a bit inconsiderate, she didn’t need to be so loud when they are directly next to us. This type of thing seems to happen constantly around the parks where we live.

Just catch their eye and say ‘aww never mind, they soon catch up’