Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

[ChilledFizz]

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

After thinking about it and reading all these replies, I'd like to clarify, I am a performance parent. Let me explain why and why I don't think it's a big issue. Firstly I'm a single parent, to four kids split up with dad 3 years ago, so I already get judged for that, I'm overweight (because I'm miserable) and I sport a shaved head just because that's how I like it, I'm covered in tattoos too just for good measure. I look stereotypically scummy mummy, or weird mummy whatever.
My second child was born very early and with a genetic disorder so as I said previously I was loud and theatrical for her benefit, it aided her greatly I even taught myself to sign to help her. I've had two more kids since then my youngest is three.
So when out and about I am the one to loudly say Monkey number 3, what kind of tree is that? What's it's name, do you remember xyz
Now I'm not saying it's deliberately for an audience however if there is an audience I couldn't give a crap. Do you know why? Because I'm lucky if I talk to another adult in a day, sometimes the kids asking or me saying stuff has induced conversation from other adults about how lovely and well spoken my kids are, sometimes that's the only nice thing I've heard in weeks. I'm actually very intelligent and well qualified but I look like a fat shaven headed tattooed mum of four, so to hear me speak shows me differently
I wonder all these people you judge as trying to show their wealth or their tastes or how much work they put into Timmys costume...I wonder if they are the same? Who cares if they are looking for approval? Maybe they never got it from their parents or peers or husband's, maybe they go home at night and their only success of the day was that costume?
Seems dramatic but that's the truth. If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you judge, maybe just give them a smile and leave it at that, there are far worse things they could be doing. So yes pp does exist but does it matter? Does it effect you?

The only person’s opinion that really matters is your own. I agree wanting attention is not a bad thing in itself, but getting attention under the guise of parenting your children is just off.
@MammaMacgill87 it doesn’t matter what other people think. It matters what you think. You are doing a good job. Respect yourself.

Ahh @MammaMacgill87 that put another completely different spin on things too and actually makes me want to engage back. It just goes to show how there are so many perspectives on how and why people behave as they do. We never know what's going on inside another's lives and shouldn't be judgey.

it’s bragging about things that other people don’t care about and using social media to make things seems better than they actually are

That’s not my understanding of what people speak of with performance parenting and nor is it unique to parenting.

talking at a child for the attention of a bystander who doesn't give a toss

Which is the problem of the bystander who decides it is for their benefit.

As I said, much of the issue is as usual parents must do things in just the right way else they are judged.

Nobody cares if someone a little too loudly says “remember when we took you to Blackpool” or “shall we have fishfingers for tea” but it’s the wrong thing to do if they went to Florence and are having smoked salmon.

As long as you don't deliberately PROJECT YOUR VOICE SO THAT EVERYONE AROUND CAN HEAR WHAT A GOOD PARENT YOU ARE!

Can you let us all know what the right volume of voice is acceptable? Just so we know where to benchmark it for the benefit of those who feel they have to judge.

@liveforsummer

We've got 2 at the school gate - both men.

It's mostly men 🙄

Look at what a super daddy I am. I am A Man.

Not for me @BoredZelda
Both are the same. Focus on your child. Because the performance parent isn’t interested in their child. And yes it’s very easy to tell the difference.

@Avarua

Yeah I hate it when people maximise their kids' language acquisition, providing the foundation for their future learning.

Sounds like a very Performance Parenting take on the situation 😂

As someone said upthread pp is so subjective.

Yep, I think your average person can tell the difference between a parent just engaging in a positive fashion with their child and a parent showboating to an audience. We have all seen it. Mum walking down street have chit chat with inquisitive child is never going to be an issue, another parent loudly teaching disinterested child french or Latin in a coffee shop surrounded by others (eye roll).

Focus on your child. Because the performance parent isn’t interested in their child.

Which is your judgement, not incontrovertible fact

And yes it’s very easy to tell the difference.

You mean it is easy for you to decide when someone meets your own parameters for what you think is acceptable. The issue is with your judgement not another person's actions.

Yes it is my judgement.
I think it is easy to tell when a parent is interested in their child and in the moment. This is lovely to see.
It is also easy to tell when a parent is more interested in how they appear to other people than being with their child. Sad to see.
Both my judgements yes.

I need to shout so my toddler can hear me under the blimmin mask I need to wear everywhere these days .

It’s almost like it hasn’t happened if nobody witnesses it. We all want to be seen and admired.
Think of the sound of one hand clapping in the forest, not the impressions of strangers.

It does seem quite a baffling thing to get upset about, when millions of children are being neglected and abused all over the country and the planet. Perhaps the 'perpetrators' are looking at you as they talk because they can see you eyeballing and generally being over-interested in them? Some people can't help talking loudly, many kids have hearing impairments, etc etc.

Maybe some high achieving parents just parent differently, and that's ok, really, in the grand scheme of things?

@CrankyFrankie

It does seem quite a baffling thing to get upset about, when millions of children are being neglected and abused all over the country and the planet. Perhaps the 'perpetrators' are looking at you as they talk because they can see you eyeballing and generally being over-interested in them? Some people can't help talking loudly, many kids have hearing impairments, etc etc.

Maybe some high achieving parents just parent differently, and that's ok, really, in the grand scheme of things?

No one is "upset" about it. True performance parents are irritating (especially in relatively quiet places) and eminently mockable. That's all that's being said here.

I'm all for venting about other people's foibles, and I certainly don't go with 'be nice or be quiet', but I think this thread encapsulates one of the less pleasant faces of Mn, by giving the impression to new, struggling or less confident parents that there is only a tiny 'sweet spot' in between high-decibel performance parenting and ignoring your child entirely because you're on your phone, raising your head only to shout 'Shut up, X! Stop whining for more crisps!' -- and that this must be gauged, or you face negative judgement either way.

(Rather like the minuscule sweet spot in between baby names that are downmarket/'chavvy' and those that are 'pretentious and try-hard', if we believe the Mn Baby Names board.)

I remember asking an extremely confident, successful (and mildly famous) friend of mine with two children whether she used Mn at all, and being taken aback that she said she'd been on it a lot intermittently at times, but had to come off it because she found that the effect of threads like this one was to make her realise that the self-critical voices in her head that told her she was doing parenting all wrong actually had a basis in reality -- that if her older child (with invisible SN) was misbehaving in the supermarket, or gave him a screen in a café so she could eat, that there were actually people judging her negatively in RL. That it wasn't just an inner voice, there were people who were really thinking harsh thoughts about her and her child.

And this person is, as I said, confident and successful, not some shrinking violet.

@MammaMacgill87, I absolutely recognised elements of your good post -- and I think you sound like a lovely mother, and that your children are lucky to have you.

For various reasons, partly to do with a disastrous move to somewhere insular and unfriendly and having to take extra leave, DS's first year and a half was an incredibly lonely and difficult time for me. I talked to him a lot when we were out because that was the only talking I did to another human being in the flesh in daytime hours. I also talked a lot to him because I didn't get that myself as the eldest child of a big family, who got very little individual attention from early on, because my mother needed to devote her time to the younger ones.

I also really appreciated @MammaMacgill87 post

@Annaghgloor

Yes that’s how I feel a bit with mumsnet. I’m honestly shocked by how often people are apparently just ready to jump on these tiny slights or different ways of doing things. It’s bizarre and really unpleasant.

@MammaMacgill87

After thinking about it and reading all these replies, I'd like to clarify, I am a performance parent. Let me explain why and why I don't think it's a big issue. Firstly I'm a single parent, to four kids split up with dad 3 years ago, so I already get judged for that, I'm overweight (because I'm miserable) and I sport a shaved head just because that's how I like it, I'm covered in tattoos too just for good measure. I look stereotypically scummy mummy, or weird mummy whatever. My second child was born very early and with a genetic disorder so as I said previously I was loud and theatrical for her benefit, it aided her greatly I even taught myself to sign to help her. I've had two more kids since then my youngest is three. So when out and about I am the one to loudly say Monkey number 3, what kind of tree is that? What's it's name, do you remember xyz Now I'm not saying it's deliberately for an audience however if there is an audience I couldn't give a crap. Do you know why? Because I'm lucky if I talk to another adult in a day, sometimes the kids asking or me saying stuff has induced conversation from other adults about how lovely and well spoken my kids are, sometimes that's the only nice thing I've heard in weeks. I'm actually very intelligent and well qualified but I look like a fat shaven headed tattooed mum of four, so to hear me speak shows me differently I wonder all these people you judge as trying to show their wealth or their tastes or how much work they put into Timmys costume...I wonder if they are the same? Who cares if they are looking for approval? Maybe they never got it from their parents or peers or husband's, maybe they go home at night and their only success of the day was that costume? Seems dramatic but that's the truth. If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you judge, maybe just give them a smile and leave it at that, there are far worse things they could be doing. So yes pp does exist but does it matter? Does it effect you?

What a lovely, thoughtful post.

@MammaMacgill87 you sound fabulous

'For various reasons, partly to do with a disastrous move to somewhere insular and unfriendly and having to take extra leave, DS's first year and a half was an incredibly lonely and difficult time for me. I talked to him a lot when we were out because that was the only talking I did to another human being in the flesh in daytime hours.'

Yes, reading this I realise I do this too. Maternity leave was incredibly lonely for me and the overly upbeat loud talking I did with DD when she was a baby was sometimes to stave off tears! And if I looked around to try and make eye contact with other people, it was sometimes because I would have loved to even have so much as a friendly smile from someone else as I was stuck alone with a non verbal baby all day.

@MammaMacgill87

After thinking about it and reading all these replies, I'd like to clarify, I am a performance parent. Let me explain why and why I don't think it's a big issue. Firstly I'm a single parent, to four kids split up with dad 3 years ago, so I already get judged for that, I'm overweight (because I'm miserable) and I sport a shaved head just because that's how I like it, I'm covered in tattoos too just for good measure. I look stereotypically scummy mummy, or weird mummy whatever. My second child was born very early and with a genetic disorder so as I said previously I was loud and theatrical for her benefit, it aided her greatly I even taught myself to sign to help her. I've had two more kids since then my youngest is three. So when out and about I am the one to loudly say Monkey number 3, what kind of tree is that? What's it's name, do you remember xyz Now I'm not saying it's deliberately for an audience however if there is an audience I couldn't give a crap. Do you know why? Because I'm lucky if I talk to another adult in a day, sometimes the kids asking or me saying stuff has induced conversation from other adults about how lovely and well spoken my kids are, sometimes that's the only nice thing I've heard in weeks. I'm actually very intelligent and well qualified but I look like a fat shaven headed tattooed mum of four, so to hear me speak shows me differently I wonder all these people you judge as trying to show their wealth or their tastes or how much work they put into Timmys costume...I wonder if they are the same? Who cares if they are looking for approval? Maybe they never got it from their parents or peers or husband's, maybe they go home at night and their only success of the day was that costume? Seems dramatic but that's the truth. If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you judge, maybe just give them a smile and leave it at that, there are far worse things they could be doing. So yes pp does exist but does it matter? Does it effect you?

I love this

I remember asking an extremely confident, successful (and mildly famous) friend of mine...

What's the 'mildly famous' got to do with anything?

@saraclara

I remember asking an extremely confident, successful (and mildly famous) friend of mine...

What's the 'mildly famous' got to do with anything?

It demonstrates that she's wildly successful, from being extremely good at what she does, and yet was still susceptible to the kind of relentless carping about other people's parenting that you often get on Mn to the point where she recognised it was damaging her mental health as the parent of two children with additional needs.

I just call it parenting.
This who call it “performance” are the ones that are fake.