Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

[ChilledFizz]

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

@mowglika

I agree with a pp, I’d rather hear performance parenting than parents swearing at and berating their kids!

It's not an either/or situation, you know. I'd prefer not to hear both.

@Rainbowdrops2021

This is exactly how I speak to my ds. He has a speech and understanding delay and autism. I’ve been told to use his name a lot and to speak clearly, he also loves numbers and letters so we are always counting and sounding things out. People are so bloody judgemental on MN sometimes.

Nobody is judging you - I work with an autistic dc and am constantly using his name, modelling language, repeating what he says. This is not what is being meant

If its not about reverse snobbery why are there comments about waitrose, 'Bear' and 'Ottilie'?

Why isn't it Aldi, 'Oliver' and 'Eva' or Iceland, Kaiden and Tiger-May?

References to it being in museums and bookshops as examples also give the game away.

"Just overheard a parent saying "I've brought you risotto to have before your ballet lesson"

How is telling a child what they're having to eat before they go to a ballet lesson performance parenting? I doubt they even thought about whether anyone was listening or not. That's just a bog standard conversation.

To be fair the bear and Waitrose post was not an attempt to describe performance parenting, it was a poster describing an every day non performance exchange she partakes in herself and a reference to her user name (the dc is not called bear)

I work with an autistic dc and am constantly using his name, modelling language, repeating what he says. This is not what is being meant

Exactly.

I'm glad that so many people on here haven't come across it much. I suspect it is very regional and certainly spotted more in 'naice' areas. Our Dordogne market experience probably sums that up.

If you're communicating with a child with an additional need of any sort, it's unlikely that you're going to be using the kind of tone of voice that comes with a PP.

If its not about reverse snobbery why are there comments about waitrose, 'Bear' and 'Ottilie'?

PP in the wild

TBF I've experienced it in all sorts of places..just at the park or in Aldi, out for a meal. I don't think it's a class thing

I've got a friend on Facebook that posts pictures of her kids forced smiling in front of their fireplace all the time, either doing a thumbs up or looking at each other. Always captioned with something unreal.

"great day with these ones. Not only did Tommy make man of the match in his primary school football game and the coach said it was the best performance he had ever seen in his whole career, but Isabella was approached and told she's the most beautiful girl in school and that she should be a model and she's got fame looks, both my kids absolutely crushing it, #mybabes #awesomekids #bestkidsintheworld #winning"

You'll hate me then. What's wrong with a risotto? For some of us that is normal food. I (overweight white middle aged woman) partially grew up in the middle east and practically live on tabbouleh and flatbreads with tahini, ful, hummus or muhammara. And give them to my toddler. That's just my childhood food.

This is a spectacular example of (deliberately?) misunderstanding.

No one cares a jot what you eat. Good for you if you have risotto. Good for your kids if they eat it. I don't much like it. I eat a tonne of tabbouleh though, so do my DC. Good for me, good for them. It's food. You're not performance parenting. I'm not. We're getting on with our day, eating food.

The parent, dramatically and loudly, "did you see I packed you RISOTTO to eat before ballet?" (Looks round, to make sure at least one person has heard they've made a risotto, and that they are clearly better than yow because of this michelin star unheard of food of the gods that they prepare for nothing more than a mere packed lunch. Smiles smugly as the people looking at them are definitely acknowledging how brilliant they are, and definitely not looking and thinking "shut up you tit")

The examples of apparent performance parenting on here are rubbish. I don’t believe that anyone but a vanishingly small minority of people do it.
I (now I don’t have them) find small children annoying, I find the way people interact with small children annoying especially if I’m in a confined space like a train but that’s my problem and I remember all too well that you have to communicate in a certain way with little ones especially if you’re trying to keep them quiet or get them to do something without kicking off.
More ballerinas eating risotto and more people wearing colourful clothes and jumping in puddles with their toddlers and less people judging judging would be better all round imho

@AnnaBolina

I've got a friend on Facebook that posts pictures of her kids forced smiling in front of their fireplace all the time, either doing a thumbs up or looking at each other. Always captioned with something unreal.

"great day with these ones. Not only did Tommy make man of the match in his primary school football game and the coach said it was the best performance he had ever seen in his whole career, but Isabella was approached and told she's the most beautiful girl in school and that she should be a model and she's got fame looks, both my kids absolutely crushing it, #mybabes #awesomekids #bestkidsintheworld #winning"

CRINGE (hides behind hand)

Someone made a really good point earlier about people who spam their social media with their kids and all of the amazing things they’ve done. I have a friend who does this a lot atm and it’s because she’s going through a nasty break up and one of her DC has just been diagnosed with SEN and to me it seem really clear that she’s just trying to make herself feel better about the good things in her life (and put a positive spin on for the ex and his family). If it annoyed me I’d just mute her.

ICDgirl

Yeah I get that...I understand that SM posts are usually about something with a positive slant and rose specs, and it's not the whole picture, etc like the child that was tired on a hike. I post stuff about my kids too..

..but I think what makes me cringe is the forced/ fake element and OTT shameless grandiose sense of being better than everyone else

There's posting a picture of a child with a medal really smiling after a win or something candid where they are actually enjoying an activity, drawing, playing cooking, being chuffed with a present - that seems real and o.k and something to be genuinely happy about ...and then there's the stand for a photo / forced smile - how AMAZING is my child doing something ordinary that all kids do OTT relentless, isn't my life perfect types that can be a bit grating

Somebody made me feel really crap for getting my kid to fetch stuff off a shopping list she'd written for me in the supermarket once. I spent a lot of my children's early years feeling judged about all sorts of things all the time. So if you're bothered by 'performance parenting' just don't listen. Oh, I know it's meant as 'people who are doing it for others benefit' but it's unlikely that all the people moaning about it have the skills to judge exactly for whose benefit anyone is doing anything at any given moment. So just give it a rest and ignore it.

I think one of the qualities of performance parenting is its unawareness of other people - apart from as an audience.

So while it's important to be an attentive parent and talk to children, good parenting also involves being aware of the needs of others in public situations and encouraging children, as they get older to have that awareness - e.g that sometimes it's better too speaki in a slightly lower voice, enjoying quiet activities, even play by oneself for short periods,

I suspect I'm judged as a performance parent based on this. But honestly when I look around or catch your eye mid wittering in a museum it's out of embarrassment/ concern I'm being judged a dick. It's not looking for praise, I promise you!

Further up the thread one of the examples literally mentioned saying the child’s name a lot and counting. All of this performance parenting stuff is just crap to be honest, I think it comes from judgemental people who are probably a bit insecure if their own parenting style.

@ThinkAboutItTomorrow

I suspect I'm judged as a performance parent based on this. But honestly when I look around or catch your eye mid wittering in a museum it's out of embarrassment/ concern I'm being judged a dick. It's not looking for praise, I promise you!

I think I’ve probably been similarly judged based on this thread. When my DS was little the only way I could get him to go to the loo in a public toilet was to stand outside the cubicle and tell him a story. What worked best was a story I’d made up with cliffhangers and various fantasy characters with funny names. It often took ages. I was regularly mortified (being fairly introverted and worried about whether my DS would ever grow up to have properly functioning bowels) but suspect that many of our fellow toilet users found it highly annoying and very performancy. I used to smile at people with a jokey “what can you do” expression but who knows how that got interpreted

@georgarina

Just overheard a parent saying "I've brought you risotto to have before your ballet lesson 😂

Were the words, 'risotto' & ballet followed by a glance around the room for approval followed up with tinkly laugh? or was it just the mention of 'risotto' in itself that's performance parenting. Perhaps if she had said 'chips' instead of risotto, that would've been acceptable?

@AnnaBolina

I've got a friend on Facebook that posts pictures of her kids forced smiling in front of their fireplace all the time, either doing a thumbs up or looking at each other. Always captioned with something unreal.

"great day with these ones. Not only did Tommy make man of the match in his primary school football game and the coach said it was the best performance he had ever seen in his whole career, but Isabella was approached and told she's the most beautiful girl in school and that she should be a model and she's got fame looks, both my kids absolutely crushing it, #mybabes #awesomekids #bestkidsintheworld #winning"

THAT IS performance parenting/showing-off and I think that actually happens far more often on social media than IRL.

@BoredZelda

Its like the school bullies who take a pop at the 'swats' in the class for daring to do things that aren't cool and showing they are good at it / enjoy it. Because how very dare anyone get ideas above their station or be happy.

They could fuck off then and they can fuck off now.

Very well put.

I agree, essentially bullies are insecure and a lot of these comments say more about the insecurities of the poster is risotto, ballet, brightly dressed adults playing with their child etc those are just different living styles.

If a child is engaged with the parent and the parent is speaking at an appropriate volume then that's just parenting. Like the situation with child asking about q and u.

Over loud types are obnoxious whether they're yelling obscenities at their children or instructing them on the order of the planets it's about consideration for everyone around them.

Lol that people (pretend they) can't tell the difference between just talking to your child and performance parenting. Despite the numerous examples throughout the thread clearly showing the difference.

"Oh, well I speak to my child all the time, bet all you bullies would roll your eyes at me"

Yes dear, that's exactly what performance parenting is. Talking to your child.

I would explain, but if it hasn't sunk in with the previous 30 PP's explanations, it won't sink in with a 31st.

Tedious.

Is risotto considered to be a "show off" food in the UK?

It's very cheap and easy to make. I have never thought of it that way before...

Lol that people (pretend they) can't tell the difference between just talking to your child and performance parenting. Despite the numerous examples throughout the thread clearly showing the difference.

Yes but LOL that people (really seem to) think they are the arbiters of other people's intentions at all times. So self centred. Because you find something irritating it was done for your attention.

It is just judgy and unnecessary. Just move on and live your own life.