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Original poster

Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

437 replies

ChilledFizz · 03/01/2022 17:09

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

OP posts:
Camembear · 05/01/2022 18:41

I’ve never seen this before. My kid is only a baby though so maybe I’ll start noticing it in a few years time.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 05/01/2022 19:00

@Woodlandwater

I was in a book shop with DC yesterday and another mum was loudly congratulating her 2 yo for counting the books so well. My 2yo was pretending to be a dog and licking the floor. But he's a second child so I've given up as my PFB was amazing to show off with loud declarations of "oh you know how to do long division at 3 and have read Tolstoy on your own, well done darling!!" but this one is feral.
🤣🤣 my two year old was pretending to be a dog and licking the floor. Made me laugh Woodlandwater.
CrankyFrankie · 05/01/2022 19:03

I don’t really understand why this would rile anyone up so much though... surely some kind of projection going on?!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
CatJumperTwat · 05/01/2022 19:06

I think it only "riles people up" when the offender is loud and you want quiet. Usually it's pretty funny, even though you feel sorry for the child.

Bertiebiscuit · 05/01/2022 19:34

I do agree that there are certain types of parents - often but not always men, - who spend all their time performing loud annoying parenting, I always assume they don't look after their children very often, and so need to try to make themselves look good by overdoing it, actually what I get is that they are rubbish parents because it's consistency and presence that counts, not loud lecturing, pandering loudly to every whim and over consulting the child on what it wants etc etc etc

JMAngel1 · 05/01/2022 19:39

Oh god stop - I know, usually it's not even what's being said but the volume and the conscious awareness that someone is listening. I'm not one for disliking people but there is a particular mum on the school pick-up that I would gladly hire a contract hit-man to take out Grinire

MammaMacgill87 · 05/01/2022 19:40

I honestly feel like people are just happier to show their parenting more outwith the home. In the past children were to be seen but not heard, now we all know different people are happier to display openly affection and discipline and education towards their kids. There's also the lockdown effect where we've been trapped indoors doing these things and so now we are out and about more there's no line between private and public, it's all just kind of out there. Unless you have kids of the same age It can get tedious to watch or listen to but each to their own, brush off and move on. I'd rather see theatric parenting than yelling or smacking them. And to be brutally honest I'd rather people spoke about me say 'oh god she was always so engaging and loud with her kids in public drive me crazy' than 'you never saw her speaking or enjoying her kids, so quiet , sad' in all reality I couldn't really give a damn if someone thought I was a performance parent at some point or another (I got accused if it alot with my daughter, who was disabled and non verbal so I literally had to put on a song and dance to communicate with her effectively and is the main reason she can now talk and communicate). The question is why does it bother you so much? Is the cringe factor/are you jelous you weren't that way with your own or are you just having a judgemental moment? Something to ponder, I find today's overly judgemental people in general to be worse than ever with our generation and that in itself mighty tedious, but that's probably just me 🤣

OhamIreally · 05/01/2022 19:47

@Lsquiggles

I saw a classic example of this yesterday at the park and it made me sad. A little boy sat on a swing whilst his dad with big headphones on was taking photos of him and the little boy said "you haven't even pushed me yet" whilst sitting there all sad whilst his dad was messing around putting filters on the photo. So on Instagram it looks like they had a lovely day out with dad, when actually he ignored them most the time they were there with noise cancelling headphones on Hmm
The performance parenting dad in my local park was pushing the kid but each swing had to be counted loudly in Latin.
Mumoblue · 05/01/2022 19:51

Some of the comments about “talking loudly to your kid” are irritating me a little.
I’m hard of hearing. Sometimes my volume is a little all over the place.

I think the reason why this subject gets peoples backs up so much is that lots of people feel watched and judged when they’re out and about with their kids.
I suppose I’d rather be judged for over-parenting than under-parenting, but I’d just rather not have to worry about what others are thinking.

That’s not to say I don’t think performance parenting exists, but I think we should be giving people the benefit of the doubt.

somewhereoverthechipshop · 05/01/2022 19:56

@BigButtons

performance parenting has nothing to do with engaging with the child and teaching them things. Performance parenting is seeking attention and boasting through the medium of the child. It has very little to do with the child and everything to do with the parent's need for attention and self validation.
This sums performance parenting up perfectly. For all those posters who claim to not understand what the phrase means, and have never heard/seen it. Ever.
Bunnyfuller · 05/01/2022 20:03

Was in the National Gallery last year with my moody but interested teenagers, mooching around and muttering to each other. Sat down for a bit next to a Mum, her Mum and several children. I say several because they were a squirming, running, wriggling mass of young kids giving zero fucks about the art as mummy and granny gave them the art/history lecture at top volume, interspersed with ‘remember, when mummy and daddy took you to Florence……’ etc etc.

It at least stopped my teenagers scowling at me and switch to eye rolling for a bit.

Eve76 · 05/01/2022 20:10

When your in Aldi and a mum is talking to their DC like they are a Blue Peter Presenter whilst staring you in the eye and never leaving eye contact with you the whole time they are talking to their DC is bloody creepy . I do the only thing I can which eye roll and tut

Scottsy100 · 05/01/2022 20:19

I think it’s more the endless posts that are like “Tarquinius sold all his unused toys at Xmas and with the money he wanted to buy food for the food bank, we are so proud of him” cue picture of said child with shopping trolley of food.

Is there any need to post this stuff?

Surely if this is happening just do it why feel the need to post for praise from other parents or so they can “oh you’ve been to Tenerife, we’ve been to Elevenerife” you on your own post 😂

Frozentoes2 · 05/01/2022 20:23

As someone said upthread pp is so subjective.

I don’t talk particularly loudly but I do talk non stop to my toddler in public. And she’s really into phonics at the moment so we do a lot of “what letter does this start with” talk in public which some would probably find OTT.

Having said that there have been a couple of times where pp has irritated me. One Dad came and sat right next to my toddler and I at a library (there were other free seats) while I was reading them a book (fairly quietly). The Dad then started reading his own book very loudly and dramatically to his much older child whilst pausing to look at me and smile. Did feel like a bit of a performance. We politely moved away.

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 20:27

Stopped myself earlier from pointing out to my son that the moon we were looking at was crescent shaped. He would have loved that. But didn't want anyone to think I was performance parenting.

Walking4You · 05/01/2022 20:39

For all those posters who claim to not understand what the phrase means, and have never heard/seen it. Ever.

I suppose I haven’t then.

But then I have always done all the things deemed to be part of performance parenting. Including the ‘do you remember when we went to…’ etc… and have always considered that anormal thing to do so I suspect I would never have noticed it or thought it unusual/not the done thing.

What I have noticed though is inverse snobbery and the boasting that ‘well I would never spend that much time/effort trying to make my child appreciate this painting’ from some posters.
Imo this is not much better and just as tiring tbh.

Walking4You · 05/01/2022 20:39

@Franca123

Stopped myself earlier from pointing out to my son that the moon we were looking at was crescent shaped. He would have loved that. But didn't want anyone to think I was performance parenting.
I think that’s a shame tbh.
YesitsBess · 05/01/2022 20:46

I think this counts, but I'm only recounting it because it was funny (to me) and because there's not enough funny in this thread yet.

I worked at a house years ago where the family were quite rich. You knew they were quite rich because they never really stopped banging on about it and this house (one of their many) was a very big townhouse in the city. Which they commuted to by helicopter etc etc.

We were summoned periodically in order to 'encourage' baby Fjuffia with her Mandarin lessons. Fjuffia (not her real name) was a very sweet but strong-willed kid, I'm not good at guessing small people ages however she could walk, but in a fashion that indicated she hadn't been in on her hind legs for long if you see what I mean.

So cook, nanny, her security guard, her mothers security guard and I (who had no interaction with her otherwise) would have to stand in the nursery looking "encouraging" whilst her poor Mandarin teacher essentially chased her around the room in a very apologetic way trying to make her say anything that wasn't "BLLLLAAAARGGHHHH!" whilst barrelling around like a tiny drunk at closing time.

We would be required to clap and smile, assisted by the rictus grin and death glare of her incredibly beautiful ex-model mother who we were all terrified of. All except Fjuffia who did not give a fuck about any of it and spent the entire half hour yelling "BLLLLLAAAAARRGGH!" and throwing bricks at everyone.

It was ridiculous and so very funny I've never forgotten it, how we didn't all corpse more often than we did I don't know but I loved every second of it.

Rainartist · 05/01/2022 20:55

I agree @franca123 it's only "performance parenting" if it is constantly going on about it and at a loud volume, distracting everyone else around. Otherwise its just educating them.

I always liked a comment by Bill Bryson in his Notes from a Small Island I think, where he noticed a man in an art gallery walking around with a lad just quietly telling him all about how miners had done the paintings and it helped them deal with their difficult lives. That's quiet, unassuming education of his child for their mutual benefit. A bit like the poster addressing her child's question about Qs. Not the loud obnoxious over the top announcing of knowledge that I think a lot of people are referring to in this thread and I think he referred to too.

Sammy900 · 05/01/2022 21:31

haha laughing at everyone getting obsessed with risotto and fish

...It really isn't about the risotto...it's all about the performance and delivery - talking at a child for the attention of a bystander who doesn't give a toss

Floyi · 05/01/2022 22:44

@Sammy900

haha laughing at everyone getting obsessed with risotto and fish

...It really isn't about the risotto...it's all about the performance and delivery - talking at a child for the attention of a bystander who doesn't give a toss

I'd say 'risotto' and ballet were a BIG parts of what the poster was trying to convey, that's why they capitalised both words and why I asked whether it's the delivery or the words or perhaps both?
Bangolads · 05/01/2022 22:58

@Iamnotthe1 bah ha ha ha sorry, performance parenting isn’t actively encouraging your kids curiosity in a healthy way, it’s bragging about things that other people don’t care about and using social media to make things seems better than they actually are. It has very little to do with nurturing your child or any kind of healthy parenting. It creates narcissistic tendencies and encourages kids to seek external validation from strangers. It’s an epidemic.

Mollymoostoo · 05/01/2022 23:10

@girlmom21

It's better than the people half dragging their kids round the supermarket, swearing at them and telling them "wait till I get you home" in an aggressive manner.
I agree. I saw a father drag his child across a road swearing. I wouldbhave preferred to hear a parent bragging about their child's reading ability.
Iamnotthe1 · 05/01/2022 23:14

[quote Bangolads]@Iamnotthe1 bah ha ha ha sorry, performance parenting isn’t actively encouraging your kids curiosity in a healthy way, it’s bragging about things that other people don’t care about and using social media to make things seems better than they actually are. It has very little to do with nurturing your child or any kind of healthy parenting. It creates narcissistic tendencies and encourages kids to seek external validation from strangers. It’s an epidemic.[/quote]
Performance parenting as described on here is nothing to do with social media nor bragging. The term is used to refer to parents having conversations with their children at a higher volume so that other people can hear them. For example:
Parent: What's that animal over there?
Child: Sheep.
Parent: That's right! Clever boy, it's a sheep. What noise does a sheep make?
Child: Baa.
Parent: You're so smart! A sheep says baa!

I'm afraid you've misunderstood the term.

saraclara · 05/01/2022 23:36

@Franca123

Stopped myself earlier from pointing out to my son that the moon we were looking at was crescent shaped. He would have loved that. But didn't want anyone to think I was performance parenting.
Nothing wrong with pointing that out, and lots that's good. As long as you don't deliberately PROJECT YOUR VOICE SO THAT EVERYONE AROUND CAN HEAR WHAT A GOOD PARENT YOU ARE!