My boyfriend has a gambling problem ...I'm having to pay his rent,when is enough?

[slouggtg]

My boyfriend of 6 months.
I've found out last month he had no money.
He works 40 hours but is -900 in his overdraft.
His rent is £400 a month
He hasn't been able to pay it for two months.
He said he doesn't have a problem but it's obvious he does.
I paid his rent last month and this month but I can't keep doing it.
After I pay my bills /rent I'm left with £700 a month which I normally use to treats or nights out etc but after paying his rent and electric bill I have £200 a month left now.

Would you continue paying it?
If I don't he will be thinking i would rather waste money on shopping than pay his rent.

Im In over my head here

You don't have to pay his rent. You're choosing to.

I guarantee his only thought will be yay! Sucker!! Now I have an extra 400 and won't be homeless. I wonder what other bills I can convince her to pay.

No wonder he wants to move in with you

You'd have to have had a lobotomy to carry on with this.

Would you continue paying it?

I would not have paid anything towards anything for someone who has no money due to gambling, so maybe I'm not the right person to answer.

There is nothing you can do about his gambling. You didn't cause it and you cannot cure it. You can only delay the inevitable.

With a boyfriend of six months, that would be the relationship over for me.

Dump and block.

I'm in my sixties now and see these things much more clearly than I did as a teenager or younger person. I used to feel drawn to help, to save people, thinking it was only me who could make a difference, if only I tried enough I could fix things for them.

Now I have the humility to know that I cannot fix it and can only get away from the situation.

Good luck.

You cannot fix him.
He’s not your problem.
He will not be able to stop when he knows he now has your money too.

Please please leave

Hope you're listening to what everyone is saying Op. Dump him of course. He'll drag you down with him.

He will bleed you dry if you let him. 6 months in and he's already sponging off you. Come on OP, raise your bar because it couldn't be much lower.

[quote slouggtg]@Bellyups he has spoke about moving in but I've told him no.
I won't move in with anyone yet as I don't want too and I'm not ready [/quote]
Good.
Stick to that. Even if he was a good guy, you wouldn't be wanting him moving in.

And he's not a good guy. If you were foolish enough to let him move in - even supposedly temporarily - you'd be stuck with this leech.

God no, don't let him move in! As for paying his rent, another god no on that one too. You've done it once, that's once too often

You must have crippling self esteem issues if you're in this position because you wanted to help him because of gifts he gave you and your worry that he will think badly of you for not paying his rent (and instead spending your hard earned money on yourself). How can you worry about what he thinks about your spending when he's gambling his money away and can't pay his own rent? Why is it your responsibility? It's ludicrous! This sounds like an awful relationship if this is your thinking! You're worried about what he thinks?! He's throwing his money away and wanting you to bail him out.

I think one month might be ok if under the condition that he stops gambling, gets help and arranges to repay you. Surely not being able to pay rent is hitting rock bottom? Isn't he ashamed? The fact that he allowed this to happen for a second month is indicative of how serious his problem is. And you're worried about what he will think of you?!
He is an absolute loser. You're enabling his addiction. Leave him immediately.

Run away as fast as you can. Why would you willingly saddle yourself with such a leech?

Are you quite young? Is he older than you?

I only ask because he may be in the habit of reeling in an inexperienced unconfident prospect with lovebombing - overwhelming with gifts and attention.

This can trigger 'limerance', or that early infatuation and hormonal swoosh that makes you think 'he's The One For Me!!!'

You're in the honeymoon period, only a few months in, and you feel you HAVE to pay his rent. Oh, and his bills. To keep him happy. To keep all the loveliness going.

It was quite telling that you're worried he'll think you've been 'wasting' your own money on shopping ...

Has he started to suggest that's what you're doing, if you aren't handing it over?

And beware - letting him move in will mean 'there's OUR money for rent, bills, food etc - and there's MY money to do what I like with.'

You and your rights will disappear.

AND DON'T GET PREGNANT.

Don’t walk, run. Leave before you’re too tied down to this guy.

If I don't he will be thinking i would rather waste money on shopping than pay his rent.

You have this completely wrong.

He would rather waste money gambling than pay his rent and bills.

And yet you are worrying that it would be unfair for you not to pay them for him. And that he might think poorly of you for spending your own money on things for yourself rather than meeting the basic obligations he can’t be bothered to meet.

I’d suggest that you:

1. Dump him. He’s just a liability, frankly. Ask him for the £1000 you’ve paid for him so far back too.
2. Get some counselling to sort out these thoughts processes so that no one can take advantage of you like this in the future.

You deserve much better than this loser.

While he has you supporting his gambling habit, he has no need to face his problems.
The longer you continue to enable his gambling, the deeper in debt he will get.

Whatever you do, do not let him move in with you. He is obviously very manipulative, and within a few months has easily manoeuvred you into a position where you feel responsible for him. I hope you can see the danger here for yourself. The longer you stay with him, the more vulnerable you will be to him taking advantage of you.

Your best move would be to get out of this relationship now, before you are drawn even deeper into his life.

He will not change no matter what he promises leave him he will drain you financially and emotionally.

I admit I haven't read though the whole thread but I will say this from experience from knowing other female friends in a similar situation:

If anyone gets involved with a person who has an addiction, whether it be porn, gambling, drugs then there will always be 3 of you in that relationship.

^And the addiction will always take priority over you".

Please walk away from this.

I have quite a bit of experience with gambling addictions in some of my family members. You've only been in a relationship with him for 6 months, you don't have any kids, you need to leave him. Getting into a relationship with someone who hasn't addressed their addiction and been "clean" for a good chunk of time is a very very bad idea. This will ruin your life in all sorts of ways. I am not being dramatic, I know first hand it ruins lives, and really really badly. It completely destroys families, livelihoods and careers. For someone who you have known only 6 months there's now way you should stick around, heck, I'd be telling people long married to run far far away from an active gambler. This will get worse, get out.

Christ alive.

Dump immediately. Block all communication.

Of course he wants to move in, he wants access to all your money to squander on gambling too.

You'll probably have to write off the hundreds you've already given him- think of it as an early-use escape fund.

What the actual fuck, OP.

Fuck that. Don't pay a penny more. He's already thinking he's got it made. You'll lose everything, and he'll still need more.

you can spend your money on whatever you want

has he tried to make you feel guilty already

Oh my god why are you doing this ?
How old are you because anyone with a level of maturity learned through various stages of adulthood would never do this for anyone they've only known for 6 months.
You will be bankrupt and homeless before long and guess what? He won't give a fuck and will most certainly not help you out all.

AND ....DO NOT GET PREGNANT!

Run!!

Wtf! Why are you even considering doing anything else?

Preferably after he's paid you back in full!

Have you even seen proof of his debt? Could be conning you

Check your credit history too - not even slightly kidding!

One of my reasons was when we first met he was spoiling me rotten with gifts /meals etc and seeing him in a bad place made me feel awful for him.

That sounds even more like he's a con man

It's called "reciprocity obligation" it's a technique used by hard sell salespeople (mlm and similar) and...con men!

They give you something "for free" and you feel obligated to reciprocate, either to same level or more (as they were so "kind" to you without prompting)

At this point my advice is:

Get all your bank cards renewed

Change all your passwords

I repeat check your credit history with all agencies that do this and keep a VERY close eye on your post and email - even the apparent "junk" mail.

I'd be changing to a new email address too.

I have a branch of relatives on the family tree that are con artists trust me these precautions are a good idea. They're also gamblers - the 2 things often co-exist

Maybe change phone number too (i'm not quite as up on tech scams involving phone numbers but I know they exist)

How did you pay his rent? Did you give him cash or was it by card or bank transfer? The latter 2 could put you at risk for "wire" scams plus can sometimes be interpreted by credit checks as meaning you are now "financially linked" to him which could mean you being chased to pay for his debts etc

And he's angling to move in already too! Hell no!!

And to add to that, you have to presume that anything he has ever told you is a lie. Because lying is part and parcel of the addiction, and ime it doesn't end with the gambling.

6 months in? Run for the hills then keep on going!